I'd consider passing this year.

Ultimately, your DH should get over it imo, and a lot of posters have given you things to consider in this regard. But at the end of the day, he might need some time to calm down from "livid." If you try rushing, you may end up with a super awkward holiday with no fun for anyone.

OP how has your BIL handled this in the past? Does he normally overlook this behaviour. Is this atypical of him?

The thing is it appears your husband doesn't care if your BIL is being treated poorly, he only cares about his mothers feelings and that isn't really great.

Has your BIL overlooked previous button pushing attempts by your MIL? Is this a once off?

It just sounds like your BIL is done with your MIL, 80 or not, he just sounds done with her antics. People like your MIL do get tiresome. I would suggest if this is not typical for your BIL to support him.

If BIL is of the same cultural background then this is telling, your MIL must be really over the top for him to go against his cultural norm.

I mean his behavior was bad, but she WAS being a B. And if she is regularly making remarks like this she’s 100% in the wrong. So the kinder thing would be to let it slide with BIL if this behavior is atypical for him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this happen umpteen times in my South Asian family. We are raised to be deferential to our parents, in-laws and such. The older generation often plays the elder card to behave obnoxiously and then anyone who stands up against their nonsense immediately becomes the villain. Your MIL had it coming, OP.

Not just the older generation. A South Asian friend (under 40) is exactly like this with snide, b&&tchy comments to anyone she perceives as beneath her - nevermind the fact that she's basically LMC herself. I can't stand anyone, of any age, who acts like this.

The OPs mother didn't just wake up at 55 and suddenly evolve into this person. She's been like that her whole life.

The MIl is not 55. She's 80.

Team BIL. OP, your MIL is dreadful, and will likely not be around for too many more years. It will be very sad if you and your DH throw away your relationship with your SIL and family when you are looking at decades of time you could enjoy each other’s company. Your BIL ought to apologize (though I kind of admire him), but he had a lot of provocation. Don’t side with your DH on this—help him to understand his mom is toxic and his relationship with his sister is far more important at this point.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this happen umpteen times in my South Asian family. We are raised to be deferential to our parents, in-laws and such. The older generation often plays the elder card to behave obnoxiously and then anyone who stands up against their nonsense immediately becomes the villain. Your MIL had it coming, OP.

Not just the older generation. A South Asian friend (under 40) is exactly like this with snide, b&&tchy comments to anyone she perceives as beneath her - nevermind the fact that she's basically LMC herself. I can't stand anyone, of any age, who acts like this.

The OPs mother didn't just wake up at 55 and suddenly evolve into this person. She's been like that her whole life.

It may be that MIL is starting to lose her marbles. 80 is quite old. Even if she was always somewhat like this, if she's getting worse, that may be an early sign of dementia or even high blood pressure. Plus, older people don't handle stress well, and even simple things, like a family dinner, can be quite stressful for a person that old. Keep in mind that older people can be really, really good at hiding it when things start to go south. It can be very subtle.

So, my first concern would be for OP's husband and his sister to have a calm conversation about whether their mother is starting to lose it a bit. Maybe it's time to speak with her doctor.

Then, as I would tell our grandchildren, it's never ok to name call. BIL is an adult. He is capable of executive function control. He should not have exploded that way. It was wrong and he needs to hear that from OP's DH. That said, I don't think he should be held hostage to an apology either.

Rather, the concern should be for the future. Since MIL is only likely to get worse as she ages further, I think it is fair for OP's DH to sit down with his sister and BIL and express his concern about how MIL will be treated as she ages. It may help for the family to come together and come to a shared understanding about how to cope and help each other.

It might also be helpful to see if OP can find some culturally-relevant materials on how to help aging parents. The local center on aging or perhaps a local non-profit may be able to offer support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is actually between the BIL and the MIL. Nobody else needs to take sides.

If the DH doesn't go then he is getting in the middle of other people's adult relationships, which usually makes things worse.

I guess DH doesn't have to go, this will only create more bad blood and eventually lead to relationships falling apart or being strained. DH should let the people involved sort out their differences.

This is how these families work though, one person walks around being endlessly rude and then the one time someone calls them out and is rude back everyone jumps on to shut them down. Dh needs to come to his mothers rescue rather than acknowledging that she is rude herself and not a victim. Its so typical.

Yes name calling isn't productive but if you've ever been around someone who constantly pushes your buttons, sometimes you are just done with it.

+1
The MIL is a b----. She "needles" people by insulting them constantly, and when BIL finally snaps because she's been at them all weekend, she's suddenly the victim.

Also, your husband should stay out of it. She's 80, but it sounds like she's been like this for years. And you all enable it and treat her like a child, and lash out at the person who finally grows a pair and calls her out. No, he shouldn't have lost her temper. Yes, it's also her fault. And your husband is willing to wreck his relationship with his sister over it?

THIS.

And this is textbook abuse. DH needs to realize this. MIL's behavior is abusive, period.

I’ve seen this happen umpteen times in my South Asian family. We are raised to be deferential to our parents, in-laws and such. The older generation often plays the elder card to behave obnoxiously and then anyone who stands up against their nonsense immediately becomes the villain. Your MIL had it coming, OP.

You admit you all indulge her pettiness and comments as if she was a child. You cannot expect others to do the same. My guess is your BIL work hard for his patio and was proud of it, only to have his MIL sniffling and degrading it. I'm sorry but that would hurt. You say he's prone to temper so no wonder he finally lashed out. Honestly, I'm sure your SIL was hurt too but she's likely been hearing her mother's negativity all her life anyway.

BIL was wrong to not control himself better regardless of his relationship to her. His outburst was crude. But she was equally wrong to instigate. Her comment was mean.
Your DH is wrong for blindly doting on a mother who demands respect but refuses to show others the same. I'm sorry, cultural or not - that's wrong. Common courtesy tells you to keep your mouth shut if you don't have something nice to say. Just because she's old doesn't give her a pass.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple of months ago, we were visiting DH’s sister’s house when my MIL made an insensitive comment and as a result, her husband got very upset and called my MIL a b**** in front of everyone (including grandchildren). DH harbors a lot of resentment towards him as a result of that incident. He cannot get over it. When it happened, we were all shocked as we come from a strict immigrant culture where parents are always respected.

DH is livid and wants to decline their invitation to have us come to their state to celebrate the holidays. Should I counsel him to look past his BIL’s behavior to keep the peace?

Nope. In general, I think you should stay out of it. Specifically, I think your husband should tell your BIL that name calling was not all right and he owes his mother-in-law an apology.

MIL was behaving badly and finally the straw broke the camel’s back. Maybe she’ll watch herself next time.

OP here. No she won’t. She’s 80 years old. She is unable to change her impulses. Believe me, we’ve all tried but at this point, most of us treat her like she is a 5 year old child.

I have tried to stay out of it but my DH Was gutchecking himself with me and I don’t know what the right answer is.

The right answer is she was being a b*tch, and sounds like she always has been, so husband needs to call her out for being one. Age is no excuse

There has to be more to the story here. Pakistani here as well and no son in law would behave that way unless seriously provoked. The patio comment must’ve been a breaking point. What else happened that day?

I see this deference to elders become super toxic in a lot of families. At some point your DH needs to realize his mother can’t treat ppl the way she does and have the same results she has with her kids. You say you treat her like she’s 5 but really you should be talking to her about her rude behavior that everyone else tolerates instead of meekly siding with her for cultural reasons and making your BIL the bad guy.

Given the severity and rarity of the situation I’m inclined to be team BIL. Our culture punishes people who set boundaries and call out bad elder behavior.

I think OP is very happy that this happened. The Damaad is calling the Saas a Bltch. It doesn't get better than this for OP. C'mon OP, fess up!!

Anonymous wrote:This is actually between the BIL and the MIL. Nobody else needs to take sides.

If the DH doesn't go then he is getting in the middle of other people's adult relationships, which usually makes things worse.

I guess DH doesn't have to go, this will only create more bad blood and eventually lead to relationships falling apart or being strained. DH should let the people involved sort out their differences.

This is how these families work though, one person walks around being endlessly rude and then the one time someone calls them out and is rude back everyone jumps on to shut them down. Dh needs to come to his mothers rescue rather than acknowledging that she is rude herself and not a victim. Its so typical.

Yes name calling isn't productive but if you've ever been around someone who constantly pushes your buttons, sometimes you are just done with it.

+1
The MIL is a b----. She "needles" people by insulting them constantly, and when BIL finally snaps because she's been at them all weekend, she's suddenly the victim.

Also, your husband should stay out of it. She's 80, but it sounds like she's been like this for years. And you all enable it and treat her like a child, and lash out at the person who finally grows a pair and calls her out. No, he shouldn't have lost her temper. Yes, it's also her fault. And your husband is willing to wreck his relationship with his sister over it?

Anonymous wrote:Listen, I think your SIL and BIL behaved terribly.

It’s fine to have some distance for now. Don’t go. Your husband is angry, BIL hasn’t even done the minimum to apologize and set things right again. Now is not the time for a visit—but don’t give ultimatums either. Just say the holidays is too soon.

Look at OP’s MIL posting here.