Anonymous wrote:

We were not ever happy. The first months of dating were fun. It should not have lasted beyond that. We were never in love. We got married due to family and social pressure and our age. I did not want to get married. I wanted to run. My marriage was a mistake. So stop assuming people can go back to to the good old days. There were not any. I still stayed for 10 years. It never worked. It was a waste of time.

You post a lot. I think this is a narrative you have built up. It’s almost impossible that there are two people (you and DH) who married each other under these circumstances and stayed together for 10 years. There is no way you were as negative about marriage on the day of your wedding as you are now, and really no way that he was, too. Your marriage didn’t work - and maybe it was you - but your narrative is an easy way to make it sound like it happened to you and is whitewashed of any agency on your part.

You are wrong. I wanted out immediately. My family did not want a divorce in the family even though they said to “get married anyway” when I wanted to cancel the wedding. We almost broke up twice and fought out entire engagement. Everyone said it was the stress of the wedding. It wasn’t, He admittedly married me because I made the salary he wanted a wife to make. We might have sex 3 times in the first year. I wanted out within months…I felt I tried enough to make it work//it was not working. He became emotionally abusive after marriage. I was stuck geographically a long time. We stayed married as long as we did because of all is “work on the marriage” and “don’t get a divorce” judgment that is rampant. We were never happy and I am not making that up. It was like I was married but never married. I made a mistake getting married — so did he. I was very hesitant about marriage and almost broke the engagement a few times. I almost did not show up at the church but was concerned about everyone else’s feelings. I was not happy on my wedding day…I knew I was probably making a huge mistake. Do not tell me how I felt. The point is—there are marriages that never should have happened and there are marriages where it miserable…and no one regrets a divorce in those situations. People are so reluctant to believe this and I do not get it. There is a lot of pressure to get married and stay married…and that is why people get into these situations and stay far longer than they should.

We were not ever happy. The first months of dating were fun. It should not have lasted beyond that. We were never in love. We got married due to family and social pressure and our age. I did not want to get married. I wanted to run. My marriage was a mistake. So stop assuming people can go back to to the good old days. There were not any. I still stayed for 10 years. It never worked. It was a waste of time.

You post a lot. I think this is a narrative you have built up. It’s almost impossible that there are two people (you and DH) who married each other under these circumstances and stayed together for 10 years. There is no way you were as negative about marriage on the day of your wedding as you are now, and really no way that he was, too. Your marriage didn’t work - and maybe it was you - but your narrative is an easy way to make it sound like it happened to you and is whitewashed of any agency on your part.

Anonymous wrote:My spouse was emotionally verbally and financially abusive. I am so happy to be free.

+100

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many posters responding that they have no regrets? The question is does anyone HAVE regrets. Posters responding that they don't are off topic and not helpful.

Because we are sick of hearing the narrative that people who divorce regret it. And the question was if anyone regrets it. The natural answer is “no” if you don’t. The OP did not say “I only want to hear from people who do regret and and tell me why.”

If you don't have some regret, then you're a sociopath.

BS. My exH was the sociopath who lead a double life. left for another woman and has spent close to ZERO time with our child now four years later. I filed. I divorced. Am I supposed to regret it? You don't know every person's situation. Most people who decide to divorce do so knowing that they've done all they could to save to the marriage. Once it's decided, why have regrets? There's nothing wrong with making a decision and standing on it.

I think that if there is abuse, people don’t typically regret it.

I also think that some people do better single than others. Like me, I was never looking to get married and if I got a divorce I know I’d be content single. My mom was like that after her divorce.

So whether or not somebody regrets being divorced might come down to personality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many posters responding that they have no regrets? The question is does anyone HAVE regrets. Posters responding that they don't are off topic and not helpful.

Because we are sick of hearing the narrative that people who divorce regret it. And the question was if anyone regrets it. The natural answer is “no” if you don’t. The OP did not say “I only want to hear from people who do regret and and tell me why.”

If you don't have some regret, then you're a sociopath.

Wrong. Some people have really bad marriages they suffer through for years because of people telling them to stay. There were no benefits to being married for me.

Think about the time when you were happy together, during dating and the first years of marriage. At some point you loved this person enough to commit to the idea of making a life together (otherwise you wouldn't have gotten married). Perhaps you loved him enough to have his children. If you don't have any regret for the loss of that, then you're a sociopath.

We were not ever happy. The first months of dating were fun. It should not have lasted beyond that. We were never in love. We got married due to family and social pressure and our age. I did not want to get married. I wanted to run. My marriage was a mistake. So stop assuming people can go back to to the good old days. There were not any. I still stayed for 10 years. It never worked. It was a waste of time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many posters responding that they have no regrets? The question is does anyone HAVE regrets. Posters responding that they don't are off topic and not helpful.

Because we are sick of hearing the narrative that people who divorce regret it. And the question was if anyone regrets it. The natural answer is “no” if you don’t. The OP did not say “I only want to hear from people who do regret and and tell me why.”

If you don't have some regret, then you're a sociopath.

Wrong. Some people have really bad marriages they suffer through for years because of people telling them to stay. There were no benefits to being married for me.

Think about the time when you were happy together, during dating and the first years of marriage. At some point you loved this person enough to commit to the idea of making a life together (otherwise you wouldn't have gotten married). Perhaps you loved him enough to have his children. If you don't have any regret for the loss of that, then you're a sociopath.

Anonymous wrote:Guessing men experience regret more than women.

Meh, I sure don't. Not having to deal with the daily stress of the XW being crazy and useless is awesome. If we hadn't had kids, I'd have broken up with her in less than a month, but for their sakes I had to try and hold the marriage together. That meant years of mental and emotional exhaustion for me and I was damn glad when it was over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t regret leaving him but I do (deeply) regret the impact it had on my kids. It scarred them and I see the it affecting their relationships with others and with me. In retrospect I was way too shallow in thinking about the impact on them as I so desperately wanted to get away from my ex.

Not sure how you could have changed very much, given that it seems it was not an option to stay.

PP here.

I think if I could change anything I would have been more open with them as things were getting worse. Kids were tweens at the time. As it was, I think the divorce kind of came out of the blue to them. One day normal family, the next day divorce. I think they blame me for causing the divorce when the reality was both at fault with a workaholic, emotionally-checked out husband. That shock of the announcement really impacted them in the short term (for example, their grades that semester were awful, they quit sports, and had a rough patch with friends). Longer-term I see they are not as trusting of others and have had a hard time dating, not to mention all the weekend visitation hassle and split houses and whatnot. My DD is not as open with me still as I had hoped she would be. My DS, who has a bit more of my ex's personality, blames me for not trying harder.

I was a bit in la-la land of "their kids, they'll get over it, they're resilient" kind of stuff and too focused on what I was going to do next, both career and personal life. Dating was hard for me with too resentful kids in tow and it wasn't until they went off to college that I found a steady partner and even now they are cordial but not friendly with him.

To the OP I'd just say one thing: the financial and logistical challenges of a divorce are difficult and ones you are focused on, but you really need to examine the psychological toll it will take on the kids. That's the problem that might go on and on for years.

yes, i have, of course, but not in a similar type statement. i this case (anonymous forum) why would you not use the proper pronoun, he or she? it won't identify you or anything and it might give a tiny bit of clarity, knowing whether it is a man or a women posting.

people also do this a lot when talking about their kids. what difference does it make if the internet knows if you have a son or a daughter? none.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People never admit to this. The human mind rationalizes and defends its choices. It's natural.

Not necessarily, I divorced my ex and still love them. I admit it freely. I just gave up and didn’t try to save it.

I regret it.

It’s not everyday anymore as it’s been some time now, but the regret creeps up every now and then and it’s a day or two before I get past it.

WTF is this? how hard is it to use the proper pronoun here. is this an affliction of all DCites? dumb.

It's just a gender-neutral third person pronoun that you can use if you don't know or don't want to specify the gender of the individual. I know you're probably older and hate "wokeness" but I promise you have used "they" as a third-person singular too.

(I'm not PP btw)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People never admit to this. The human mind rationalizes and defends its choices. It's natural.

Not necessarily, I divorced my ex and still love them. I admit it freely. I just gave up and didn’t try to save it.

I regret it.

It’s not everyday anymore as it’s been some time now, but the regret creeps up every now and then and it’s a day or two before I get past it.

WTF is this? how hard is it to use the proper pronoun here. is this an affliction of all DCites? dumb.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many posters responding that they have no regrets? The question is does anyone HAVE regrets. Posters responding that they don't are off topic and not helpful.

Because we are sick of hearing the narrative that people who divorce regret it. And the question was if anyone regrets it. The natural answer is “no” if you don’t. The OP did not say “I only want to hear from people who do regret and and tell me why.”

If you don't have some regret, then you're a sociopath.

Wrong. Some people have really bad marriages they suffer through for years because of people telling them to stay. There were no benefits to being married for me.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t regret leaving him but I do (deeply) regret the impact it had on my kids. It scarred them and I see the it affecting their relationships with others and with me. In retrospect I was way too shallow in thinking about the impact on them as I so desperately wanted to get away from my ex.

Not sure how you could have changed very much, given that it seems it was not an option to stay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many posters responding that they have no regrets? The question is does anyone HAVE regrets. Posters responding that they don't are off topic and not helpful.

Because we are sick of hearing the narrative that people who divorce regret it. And the question was if anyone regrets it. The natural answer is “no” if you don’t. The OP did not say “I only want to hear from people who do regret and and tell me why.”

If you don't have some regret, then you're a sociopath.

NP. I didn't have kids. He was abusive, in part because he stopped treating his mental illness. I kept trying for a few years after it became so bad I moved out to my own apartment. My health and life were at risk. After I left his life for good, he pulled himself together -- finally! -- and went back into treatment. He's doing great now. I'm doing great.

What about divorcing him am I supposed to regret?

DP here. I think with no kids its much easier to have no regrets.