Anonymous wrote:Kids should be spanked more often than they are.

It's a low education, low SES thing.

Anonymous wrote:Both you and your husband need to keep affirming that they can tell you anything and to come to you if someone tries to get them to keep secrets. If that did happen here, overtly or subtly, that is the most disturbing and harmful part. If so, it was grooming. I am not sure my kids would have connected the "not seeing them as much" that does sound like something more likely conveyed by the adults.

Steer clear of them, OP.

+1000

It is deeply upsetting that your children kept something from you that they knew was wrong to protect their grandparents. This is precisely the kind of pattern that many of us are trying to stop as we raise this generation -- the idea that kids have to protect adults, that upsetting events should be repressed and not talked about to avoid conflict, etc.

This is why the people saying "it was just a swat, what's the big deal" don't have credibility here. I don't believe in spanking or hitting kids at all, but I would feel much differently about this situation if OP's parents had told her right after it happened and there had been a chance to discuss, address it with the kids, and have some kind of resolution. The secrecy is alarming.

Also, think about this child who held this secret in him for months and months and finally had to tell is mom even though he was worried about what it would mean. Just think about that for a second. His instincts are so pure and he just wants everyone to be okay. He shouldn't be carrying that kind of weight.

His thinking that assaulting someone else's kid over not eating a meal is amusing just....well makes it all the more infuriating. Limited supervised contact is where I would start. I would also have them apologise to the kids and have them promise they will not touch the kids again without consent.

Forget unattended visits, I’d slow down the attended visits. It would be a long time before I took my kids to my parents’ house even when I’m there.

Haha, spanking for not eating does not make any sense, but many of us were spanked as kids, did us good too, remember that. Just tell your parents not do that anymore and honestly, this could be the easiest solution.

Both you and your husband need to keep affirming that they can tell you anything and to come to you if someone tries to get them to keep secrets. If that did happen here, overtly or subtly, that is the most disturbing and harmful part. If so, it was grooming. I am not sure my kids would have connected the "not seeing them as much" that does sound like something more likely conveyed by the adults.

Steer clear of them, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids should be spanked more often than they are.

+1

If they were staying with your parents while you were on a work trip, and they didn't eat dinner, spanking is a great response but it's not terrible either. The kids certainly weren't behaving well.

What? Hitting another human for not eating is an ok response? Is that how you would interact with adults? Bullshit.

Anonymous wrote:I'd do the same thing you did, OP. I'm so sorry. Extra frustrating that your boys kept it from you specifically because they knew it would mean they'd see their grandparents less. I think I'd have some extra conversations with my kids to more fully explain why I wasn't okay with what my parents did and why this means no more unaccompanied visits.

I might also question if my parents had TOLD my kids not to tell me, and said something like "if you do, your mommy won't let you visit us as often." This is 100% something my mom would do even though not only have I explained we never, ever spank our kids, but that we do not keep secrets in our family. I would be bothered by the fact that it took a long time to come out, and I'd explain to my parents that THEY should have been the ones to tell me, and reiterate that it's never okay to ask my kids to keep a secret from me. Honestly, this might bother me more than the spanking at this point because the long term consequences of encouraging children to conceal something like this are really bad.

This.

And being mandated reporters they are well aware of the consequences of encouraging kids to keep secrets, they should have told you what happened.

This is a great place to work through your family baggage, OP. https://adultchildren.org/

Protect your kids. Help them to understand that they are not at fault here, your parents may try to guilt them.

I’m not sure a swat on the butt is worth the hysterics, OP. Just tell your parents not to spank. My guess - It probably wasn’t about not eating dinner. Your kid was likely being disrespectful.

For not eating dinner? Wtf.

Similar situation happened to us. My kids stayed with my in-laws overnight. About a year later, one of my kids mentioned something about the time granddad spanked the other one. I was livid. Who thinks it’s ok to spank someone else’s kid ever?Its been years and my kids have never been alone with them again. Actually rarely even around them at all. I lost all trust in them. My kids still bring it up occasionally.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sons told me last night that last summer, when I was on a work trip and my husband was working, my parents spanked them after they didn't eat their dinner. I am not surprised (my parents have a terrible temper and this is totally something they would do when frustrated). They told me that they didn't tell me that this happened because they knew I would not let them go to my parents' house unattended. My son said they "slapped him on his bottom real quick". We don't hit or spank. I brought it up with my dad and he admitted it but acted like it was "funny" and that I was "making everything a big deal". What would you do? I told my parents they can no longer be with the boys unattended if this is how they are going to act. For what it's worth, they are both mandated reporters.

Free babysitting, you don't get to complain. Also, my house and my rules. Next time hire a babysitter and stop mooching off your parents.

I’m not the OP but my parents practically beg to take the kids and are hurt and sad if we have other plans. Funny that you assume OP is mooching.

Bet the grandparents will feel anything but relief at never getting to watch the kids on their own again. There’s a reason grandpa’s trying to minimize it and joke about it. If he thought he was right, he would have doubled down.

OP, you already know the answer. They have a terrible temper, they spanked, and they’re not the least bit remorseful. Stand up for your kids and put your foot down.

I recall seeing my mil attempting to give a spoonful of food to my one year old. He dodged the spoon and she threw the spoonful of food against the wall and stamped off… it was clear that she cold never be trusted to care for him alone. Short temper and using physical punishment are unacceptable traits in a child caregiver/ grandparent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sons told me last night that last summer, when I was on a work trip and my husband was working, my parents spanked them after they didn't eat their dinner. I am not surprised (my parents have a terrible temper and this is totally something they would do when frustrated). They told me that they didn't tell me that this happened because they knew I would not let them go to my parents' house unattended. My son said they "slapped him on his bottom real quick". We don't hit or spank. I brought it up with my dad and he admitted it but acted like it was "funny" and that I was "making everything a big deal". What would you do? I told my parents they can no longer be with the boys unattended if this is how they are going to act. For what it's worth, they are both mandated reporters.

Free babysitting, you don't get to complain. Also, my house and my rules. Next time hire a babysitter and stop mooching off your parents.

This is always such an interesting response to me because there's nothing that indicates Op made her parents do it there's nothing that indicates that if the grandparents weren't there she would have hired somebody and paid someone.
Maybe the grandparents offered to do it and that's why op husband was working. How many times on this board do we hear parents of kids talking about their own parents and like you never let me watch the kids you never let me do this you never let me spend time with my grandkids blah blah blah blah blah Don't hire someone I'll watch them for free but on the same token you're not allowed to have any standards because they're willing to do it for free.

This is on you OP...you knew what kind of people your parents are and you left your kids with them anyway. And obviously didn't have a conversation about it prior. If I even thought my parents or ILs would spank my kids, I would never let them watch them. And spanking for not eating dinner....totally nuts. Your parents cannot be trusted. Now you know.