Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 08:31     Subject: Re:Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
In certain situations, I sometimes challenge my child - if your daughter says Grandma bothers her by using the pet name - then tell her to politely ask Grandma to call her by her real name not the pet name. Obviously there are many situations where a young child needs help, but this is one she can handle herself.

As far as the pet name bothering you when it comes out of Grandma’s mouth - you gotta let that go - you let the genie out of the bottle when Grandma heard you use the name.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 08:25     Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:If your daughter prefers Sarah, you and DH should call her Sarah. If your daughter is a people pleaser, maybe the pet name annoys her when YOU use it, but she's pretending it doesn't.


If OP calls her child Doodlebug or whatever and that’s an endearing term she has used since she was a baby to express intimacy and love, that pet name has an emotional value and signifies that relationship and the intimacy of that bond. The kid does not have that bond with Grandma and never will, she rolled her eyes. Most children are not good at verbalizing nuanced feelings or setting boundaries. Mom is old enough to understand Grandma is stepping a bound.

In a healthy relationship, Grandma would stop using that pet name when asked, even if it’s just to please the parent to whom it means a lot.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 08:20     Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yeah the fact that she escalated after you pointed it out means she knows absolutely that this is getting a rise out of you and is enjoying it.

Depending on the age of the kid either I would say or tell my child she could (but doesn’t have to) say that she prefers grandma call her “Sarah”. If she’s otherwise a good MIL I’d privately tell her, hey, Sarah mentioned to me she feels uncomfortable with you using her parents name for her, but you know how she is she’s never going to tell you that she loves you to bits. If she continues using it after that, tells you how much she cares about boundaries...


So, you'd lie to Grandma and say your child said something you didn't, and then it would teach you what the other person thinks about boundaries?

Sarah didn't mention that she felt uncomfortable. She got put on a spot by a parent who admits that they're visibly annoyed when it happens and bent over backwards to find a response that didn't offend anyone. The kid is so scared of mom's reaction that she freezes and looks to her when this happens. This is a parent with huge problems with boundaries. Grandma isn't the issue.


I disagree. I think her response that it is a name only for Mommy and Daddy to use suggests she’s not comfortable with Grandma using it. Grandparents are not parents, and a reasonable boundary is to not use the same name a parent does. If MiL won’t accept a reasonable request to use the same name for the child she has been using all along, then she is out of line.

My husband calls me an affectionate name in public. That doesn’t mean my father in law is welcome to.


My issue with this approach is that it shifts accountability. OP is the one with the issue. Or, at least, we KNOW OP has an issue and the child may have an issue. It is wrong to make this about the child. We shouldn't use our kids that way. OP needs to speak for herself, relying on her own emotions and desires, if she feels the need to say anything at all.


OP is the child’s mother. I think she can say better than we can if her daughter is actually ok with this.


OP said that it "grates" on HER and that it it is "like nails on a chalkboard" for HER. She said her daughter thought it was "weird" (and only when asked, likely after OP made it clear she herself did not like it.)

OP should speak for herself and not put it on her daughter.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 07:59     Subject: Re:Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want other people to use a pet name, then don’t use it in earshot of other people.


This. Plus we all know you are just one of those women who dislikes her MIL no matter what they do. Like the OP of the MIL/middle of the night thread. You all sound the same.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 07:56     Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?

OP your first issue when you next see your therapist is how to be less controlling and regimented.

It's an early indicator of dementia so you really want to start working on it with them asap.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 07:46     Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
This is a choice for only the child to make, not you. If she is ok with it, then there is your answer. But make sure she is speaking her opinion about it, not what she thinks her mom wants to hear.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 07:37     Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:MIL recently started calling my kid by the pet name that only I and DH use. It grates on me when she says it. Kid thinks it's weird but tends to bend over backwards for people and when I asked if she cared just said, "well it's really for you and daddy at home, but I guess it's okay."

When MIL has used the name, I at first was surprised and let it go, but after seeing my kid make a face, I tried correcting and saying "Schmoopy? Oh, you mean Sarah?" which I realize is a little passive aggressive. Next time I said, "sorry, it's funny to hear you use that name, it's really just a nickname DH and I use." After that she seemed to do it even more!

I wish I could be more laid back, but it feels like nails on a chalkboard. Advice?



Lol No. Find REAL problems, op
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 07:34     Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
If you want the MIL to call your daughter Sarah, model calling her Sarah. Calling her something else and then being mad other people use it too is just a mind game you're playing.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 07:32     Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
If your daughter prefers Sarah, you and DH should call her Sarah. If your daughter is a people pleaser, maybe the pet name annoys her when YOU use it, but she's pretending it doesn't.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 07:31     Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Maybe DD hates the name from her parents too but does not want to bring it up. My DD told her father to stop calling her 'xxxxx" at around 3. She told him it was a baby name. Broke his heart but he stopped.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 07:28     Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yea, I have advice for you -- chill out.


Nope, her kid is uncomfortable because grandma is trying to co-opt a level of intimacy she does not have. OP said this is a pet name, not simply a nickname.



You're conveniently skipping over the fact that OP said her daughter is a people pleaser, she was likely equally reacting to OP's reaction. IT sounds like OP is creating a stressful situation for her daughter and she has learned to bend over backward to keep mommy calm and happy. OP needs to relax big time.

If and only if it really bothers her daughter then she can coach her daughter to say " Grandma, I like it better when you call me X".


But daughter has to bring it up. Child has specifically said this is OK. Coaching a kid who bends over backwards to please people to do something that they have said they don't want to do isn't the answer.

But since the kid has expressed a request to only use it at home, OP and her DH can start there. If they slip and use it when other people can hear, then maybe it will give them empathy for grandma.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 07:26     Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yeah the fact that she escalated after you pointed it out means she knows absolutely that this is getting a rise out of you and is enjoying it.

Depending on the age of the kid either I would say or tell my child she could (but doesn’t have to) say that she prefers grandma call her “Sarah”. If she’s otherwise a good MIL I’d privately tell her, hey, Sarah mentioned to me she feels uncomfortable with you using her parents name for her, but you know how she is she’s never going to tell you that she loves you to bits. If she continues using it after that, tells you how much she cares about boundaries...


So, you'd lie to Grandma and say your child said something you didn't, and then it would teach you what the other person thinks about boundaries?

Sarah didn't mention that she felt uncomfortable. She got put on a spot by a parent who admits that they're visibly annoyed when it happens and bent over backwards to find a response that didn't offend anyone. The kid is so scared of mom's reaction that she freezes and looks to her when this happens. This is a parent with huge problems with boundaries. Grandma isn't the issue.


I disagree. I think her response that it is a name only for Mommy and Daddy to use suggests she’s not comfortable with Grandma using it. Grandparents are not parents, and a reasonable boundary is to not use the same name a parent does. If MiL won’t accept a reasonable request to use the same name for the child she has been using all along, then she is out of line.

My husband calls me an affectionate name in public. That doesn’t mean my father in law is welcome to.


My issue with this approach is that it shifts accountability. OP is the one with the issue. Or, at least, we KNOW OP has an issue and the child may have an issue. It is wrong to make this about the child. We shouldn't use our kids that way. OP needs to speak for herself, relying on her own emotions and desires, if she feels the need to say anything at all.


OP is the child’s mother. I think she can say better than we can if her daughter is actually ok with this.


Being someone's mother doesn't automatically give them deep insight into their child or make their opinion correct, I mean I don't think any of us would say that about our own mothers or our MILs..

I will give you that if a parent is attuned to their child's feelings they may have a better read on the situation than random posters, but going only off of what OP has shared I can't say she's worried about her daughter, her post is mostly self focused, She even admits barely being able to contain her rage at her MIL using the nickname.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 07:21     Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yeah the fact that she escalated after you pointed it out means she knows absolutely that this is getting a rise out of you and is enjoying it.

Depending on the age of the kid either I would say or tell my child she could (but doesn’t have to) say that she prefers grandma call her “Sarah”. If she’s otherwise a good MIL I’d privately tell her, hey, Sarah mentioned to me she feels uncomfortable with you using her parents name for her, but you know how she is she’s never going to tell you that she loves you to bits. If she continues using it after that, tells you how much she cares about boundaries...


So, you'd lie to Grandma and say your child said something you didn't, and then it would teach you what the other person thinks about boundaries?

Sarah didn't mention that she felt uncomfortable. She got put on a spot by a parent who admits that they're visibly annoyed when it happens and bent over backwards to find a response that didn't offend anyone. The kid is so scared of mom's reaction that she freezes and looks to her when this happens. This is a parent with huge problems with boundaries. Grandma isn't the issue.


I disagree. I think her response that it is a name only for Mommy and Daddy to use suggests she’s not comfortable with Grandma using it. Grandparents are not parents, and a reasonable boundary is to not use the same name a parent does. If MiL won’t accept a reasonable request to use the same name for the child she has been using all along, then she is out of line.

My husband calls me an affectionate name in public. That doesn’t mean my father in law is welcome to.


My issue with this approach is that it shifts accountability. OP is the one with the issue. Or, at least, we KNOW OP has an issue and the child may have an issue. It is wrong to make this about the child. We shouldn't use our kids that way. OP needs to speak for herself, relying on her own emotions and desires, if she feels the need to say anything at all.


OP is the child’s mother. I think she can say better than we can if her daughter is actually ok with this.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 07:04     Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?

This will only stop if your daughter says “Grandma, I like it when you call me Larla.”
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2021 06:57     Subject: Re:Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
If you don’t want other people to use a pet name, then don’t use it in earshot of other people.

Let it go, unless your daughter expresses displeasure with it in the future, and then talk her through asserting what she wants grandma to call her.