Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Why did you let it get to that point? Nobody gets married thinking "I'm going to be a lazy and selfish roommate", right?

You may benefit from reading Must Be This Tall To Ride.

I was spending more time at work and then when home, with the kids. Our relationship suffered. By the time the kids were in bed, I was too tired to engage, as was she. That was one of the reasons for her first emotional affair.

It's good that you recognize that. FWIW, that was the reason for my own divorce. But you should forget about it for now. No further thoughts about why things failed until after the divorce is final. You need to stay focused on getting through this divorce with the minimum time and money spent on lawyers, with the best outcome for your kids (which is 50/50 custody in which you remain very involved), and with an equitable share of the marital estate going to you. Always remember that your STBXW has made herself your adversary in this proceeding. Never doubt that her lawyer will remind her of that if she forgets it. I am sure you've been dumped before, and this will be like that - she will treat you coldly and ruthlessly.

Sounds like you probably already understand this, though.

So similar to another previous guy, I also went through the same thing about 10 years ago. I was completely blind sided one evening when my (now) exW told me she was not happy and that she felt we needed to separate - our child was barely 3 years old at that time. I went through the same excruciating feelings of sadness and anxiety that you have described.

Though I agreed to move out (I was 5 minutes away) and in my period of desperation, I tried many things over the course of the first several weeks to try to get her to change her mind. But I realized (and she said at point very clearly) that she was not going to change her mind. I was lucky to be close to the house that we had quickly set up a co-parenting schedule. I found a place to live (bought a new place) and within 6 months, I had moved in and setup a new home for me and our child.

I was still reeling and still somewhat numb during this entire period of time. What helped me was to focus all of my non-work time and energy onto our child and to make sure that every moment we had together was fun filled and enjoyable (the kid was 3 years old so lots of time going to museums, playgrounds, etc.). I did start to work out on the days that my kid was with their mom - but this was purely for my own mental health and sanity.

While we had the majority of the separation agreement in place there were two or three things that were still points of disagreement. It wasn't until about the 9th or 10th month when I had a light bulb moment - I found a way to overcome these minor points of disagreement and we finalized the paperwork. It felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted my shoulders and it also felt that for the first time in nearly a year I was able to see everything very clearly once again. What became very clear was that she had been involved in an emotional affair at the very least - and with a guy who I thought was mutual friend of ours. Turns out they both had planned to divorce the respective spouses at the same time and my exW eventually moved in with him (they are basically life partners as they are not officially married). Even with this clarity, I felt no ill will towards either of them. What had become clear to me was that (i) our marriage was not as strong or happy for a few years and (ii) we would not be good or happy together even if we stayed together as we each evolved separately and differently from each other.

Throughout all of this, I was not interested or ready to date - my focus and my energy was on my child and on my personal healing. About 20 months or so from the time she asked for the divorce, I started to dabble in the online dating scene - I was pushed basically by my closest cousin who I had visited in Europe while on vacation. I went on a few dates during the nights I was kid free. I was truly in a good place emotionally, mentally and by focusing on my own health, I was also in great shape.

I had no problem getting dates and met plenty of successful women (never married and divorced, some with kids and some without kids). I had a few meaningful relationships and about 3 years after the divorce, I met my now wife.

My advice to you is (i) focus on your children and make sure the time you spend with them is truly meaningful.

(ii) in the time that you don't have your kids, focus on your mental, emotional and physical health. You need to be good in all aspects of your life - your children will feed off of this. Do not let any disagreements with your STBX get in the way of your happiness with your children. Do not let them see you sad, angry, etc. You have to present a safe and loving environment for them and that starts with you being good - it will take time but you need to fake it 'til you make it.

(iii) part of being strong emotionally is to not dwell on whatever she ma have done. She made her choices. She very well may have tried to save the marriage. But as I learned from my own experience, if the communication between spouses was not clear (prior to the "announcement"), you cannot beat yourself up for not having been aware of how unhappy she was. My exW has admitted, years later, that she did try to save our marriage but she was doing things that seemed obvious to her, but she realized they were not obvious to me and she never had told me that she was unhappy or that she felt our marriage was in danger of falling apart.

(iv) when the day comes that you feel like the weight has been lifted off your shoulders (or that the fog has dissipated and things are clear), then you can start to think about dating. But do not go down that path sooner. And be careful about how you date - I never went on dates when my kid was with me (we had a 50/50 custody agreement). I never introduced my kid to a date or a GF until I was several months into a very serious relationship with my now 2nd wife. Always protect your children from your dating life.

I am sorry you're going through this, but things will get better, but it will take time. What your feeling and experiencing is gut wrenching for sure, but it is absolutely not the end of the world, even though it may seem like it. Focus on you children and your own health. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Well, if you do wind up divorced, bring what you learned to your next relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Why did you let it get to that point? Nobody gets married thinking "I'm going to be a lazy and selfish roommate", right?

You may benefit from reading Must Be This Tall To Ride.

I was spending more time at work and then when home, with the kids. Our relationship suffered. By the time the kids were in bed, I was too tired to engage, as was she. That was one of the reasons for her first emotional affair.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Why did you let it get to that point? Nobody gets married thinking "I'm going to be a lazy and selfish roommate", right?

You may benefit from reading Must Be This Tall To Ride.

Sounds like you are on the right track, OP.

It helped me to think about what future me would look back on and be grateful for or wish I hadn't done. I was glad I stayed healthy, didn't jump back into a relationship, and focused on doing things at work and with friends that I felt good about. I needed it.

OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced man. It was finalized in 2019.

Firstly, she has checked out of the marriage. You haven't yet. But you will, in time. Try to accept that you're not going to save the marriage and get things back. Not going to happen. It's done. I ran around like a madman doing everything I could, but ultimately it didn't matter. In particular, don't bother with couples counseling.

Secondly, get your ducks in a row legally. See a lawyer, now. Initial consultation should be $300 or so. Make copies of all legal and financial documents and store them somewhere outside the house. Start working up a separation agreement. You should get 50/50 custody and assume that assets will be split 50/50. If the plan is for you to keep the house, start thinking about how you will pay her 50% of the equity. Get a professional appraisal as the basis for this.

Don't bother trying to figure out if there is another man. This won't affect custody or the separation of assets. You'll just spend more money on lawyers and private investigators.

Go to the gym. Lift heavy. This will improve your physical and mental state. I lifted 5x a week while my divorce was playing out. Look into some kind of mindfulness or meditation. You will go through a long period of stress and being able to calm yourself is important.

Once your wife moves out, you pretty much only want to talk to her about kid logistics and legal stuff pertaining to the divorce. She is no longer your friend and life partner. You don't want to tell her about your life, which is none of her business, and you are no longer available to listen patiently to her ceaseless female prattle.

Don't think about dating until the divorce is all over. You won't have the mental bandwidth for it.

Over two years later, I would say that I am happy. I wish the divorce hadn't happened, but it wasn't up to me. It's not up to you, either. I remain amicable with the ex, and as far as I can tell the kids are doing well, not least because I remain extremely involved in their lives - more so, in fact, than my XW.

This part isn't true if OP is in Virginia. If he makes more money and will have to pay alimony, an affair will bar her from receiving any.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced man. It was finalized in 2019.

Firstly, she has checked out of the marriage. You haven't yet. But you will, in time. Try to accept that you're not going to save the marriage and get things back. Not going to happen. It's done. I ran around like a madman doing everything I could, but ultimately it didn't matter. In particular, don't bother with couples counseling.

Secondly, get your ducks in a row legally. See a lawyer, now. Initial consultation should be $300 or so. Make copies of all legal and financial documents and store them somewhere outside the house. Start working up a separation agreement. You should get 50/50 custody and assume that assets will be split 50/50. If the plan is for you to keep the house, start thinking about how you will pay her 50% of the equity. Get a professional appraisal as the basis for this.

Don't bother trying to figure out if there is another man. This won't affect custody or the separation of assets. You'll just spend more money on lawyers and private investigators.

Go to the gym. Lift heavy. This will improve your physical and mental state. I lifted 5x a week while my divorce was playing out. Look into some kind of mindfulness or meditation. You will go through a long period of stress and being able to calm yourself is important.

Once your wife moves out, you pretty much only want to talk to her about kid logistics and legal stuff pertaining to the divorce. She is no longer your friend and life partner. You don't want to tell her about your life, which is none of her business, and you are no longer available to listen patiently to her ceaseless female prattle.

Don't think about dating until the divorce is all over. You won't have the mental bandwidth for it.

Over two years later, I would say that I am happy. I wish the divorce hadn't happened, but it wasn't up to me. It's not up to you, either. I remain amicable with the ex, and as far as I can tell the kids are doing well, not least because I remain extremely involved in their lives - more so, in fact, than my XW.

This is pretty good.

Lift heavy and lift hard is the absolute best advice. A clear mind comes from a tired body.

It will give you more confidence. Distract you for 60 minutes, and help you sleep at night.

Plus, there is something very therapeutic and meditative about the repetitive process of lifting something up and putting it back down.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced man. It was finalized in 2019.

Firstly, she has checked out of the marriage. You haven't yet. But you will, in time. Try to accept that you're not going to save the marriage and get things back. Not going to happen. It's done. I ran around like a madman doing everything I could, but ultimately it didn't matter. In particular, don't bother with couples counseling.

Secondly, get your ducks in a row legally. See a lawyer, now. Initial consultation should be $300 or so. Make copies of all legal and financial documents and store them somewhere outside the house. Start working up a separation agreement. You should get 50/50 custody and assume that assets will be split 50/50. If the plan is for you to keep the house, start thinking about how you will pay her 50% of the equity. Get a professional appraisal as the basis for this.

Don't bother trying to figure out if there is another man. This won't affect custody or the separation of assets. You'll just spend more money on lawyers and private investigators.

Go to the gym. Lift heavy. This will improve your physical and mental state. I lifted 5x a week while my divorce was playing out. Look into some kind of mindfulness or meditation. You will go through a long period of stress and being able to calm yourself is important.

Once your wife moves out, you pretty much only want to talk to her about kid logistics and legal stuff pertaining to the divorce. She is no longer your friend and life partner. You don't want to tell her about your life, which is none of her business, and you are no longer available to listen patiently to her ceaseless female prattle.

Don't think about dating until the divorce is all over. You won't have the mental bandwidth for it.

Over two years later, I would say that I am happy. I wish the divorce hadn't happened, but it wasn't up to me. It's not up to you, either. I remain amicable with the ex, and as far as I can tell the kids are doing well, not least because I remain extremely involved in their lives - more so, in fact, than my XW.

I have dated a lot of divorced dads and this seems like good advice.

I’d say don’t bother dating until at least a year after the divorce is final. Your head won’t be in the right space. Or if you do, and all you want is sex, please make clear you are not ready for a serious relationship before you have sex.

I counsel my female friends not to date a guy who is divorced until the guy is at least 18 months past the divorce being final.

Anonymous wrote:

She said "ask yourself" and "sometimes." She never made one single claim about him. Reread it -- she didn't. And certainly no claim that he sucked.

That is what you brought to it, and if OP follows your lead, he will, like you, bring that to his future conversations and relationships. That's both sad and pretty determinative of what will follow.

He doesn't need this negative, judgmental energy right now. Stop project your relationship issues. Any MEN have some further thoughts?

Anonymous wrote:How would I deal with it? I'd quickly pick myself up and go out and meet some new people. You may not be ready but you can't let ex-wife know that. Go get yourself a cool new car, some new clothes - spruce yourself up like you are dating. It's very typical for women, once the kids reach the age where they are more independent, to want to leave their husbands. It's not you - its biology. But you can't let her think less of you. She might come back, she might not. But put on a good show and you'll at least have a chance.

NP. This is an exceptionally immature way to react. "Cool new car"? Clothes and "sprucing up"? Juvenile.

OP has children to think about, assets to consider, lawyers to consult, emotions to sort through, and does not say he has any interest in "putting on a good show" to "have a chance" at getting back his wife. Focusing on riding around in a new car with new clothes on is beyond idiotic. And it would make him appear as if he's the one having an affair and checking out of the marriage and fatherhood to pretend he's wild and single.

OP sounds way too smart anyway to take your awful advice, PP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if there were signs that you missed. Sometimes a woman tries and tries to work on her marriage but the man is in denial and won't engage, and she just gives up. It may be that what you are doing now is too little too late. If you're only willing to work on the marriage when it's at the brink of death, you're not much of a husband. Ask yourself what you've been ignoring.

Ignore this crap. Typical DCUM woman saying it's all the man's fault. That's the last thing you need right now.

+1,000 pathetic

NP

You may not like it, but she's not wrong.

Nobody said anything about "it's all the man's fault." There is a lot of "sometimes" and "ask yourself" about whether something could be true.

She is wrong. The thrust of that message is "you suck". He doesn't need that now.

Incidentally, he asked MEN for advice, he did not say "women please tell me to think about how I failed my wife".

That you read it as just saying "you suck" says so much about you and why you are divorced.

She told him: you were in denial, you failed to engage, you're not much of a husband, you ignored her. There is nothing in there about her except "she gave up on you because you failed". The only way to read that is "you suck". Now stop hijacking the thread with this crap.

I’m a new poster but you are reading so much into this comments and it’s really telling.

We can’t know how much of this is OP’s “fault” and it doesn’t matter much, but often men do neglect the emotional work of the marriage and are then surprised when their wives leave. I don’t have an axe to grind, I know about it from books I have read. Also sometimes women just get discontent and leave their husband of ten years for no good reason, even though they have two kids. I think that’s more rare, but it does happen.

She said "ask yourself" and "sometimes." She never made one single claim about him. Reread it -- she didn't. And certainly no claim that he sucked.

That is what you brought to it, and if OP follows your lead, he will, like you, bring that to his future conversations and relationships. That's both sad and pretty determinative of what will follow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if there were signs that you missed. Sometimes a woman tries and tries to work on her marriage but the man is in denial and won't engage, and she just gives up. It may be that what you are doing now is too little too late. If you're only willing to work on the marriage when it's at the brink of death, you're not much of a husband. Ask yourself what you've been ignoring.

Ignore this crap. Typical DCUM woman saying it's all the man's fault. That's the last thing you need right now.

+1,000 pathetic

NP

You may not like it, but she's not wrong.

Nobody said anything about "it's all the man's fault." There is a lot of "sometimes" and "ask yourself" about whether something could be true.

She is wrong. The thrust of that message is "you suck". He doesn't need that now.

Incidentally, he asked MEN for advice, he did not say "women please tell me to think about how I failed my wife".

That you read it as just saying "you suck" says so much about you and why you are divorced.

She told him: you were in denial, you failed to engage, you're not much of a husband, you ignored her. There is nothing in there about her except "she gave up on you because you failed". The only way to read that is "you suck". Now stop hijacking the thread with this crap.