Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the circumstances. Signing up for divorced in laws means an exponentially more complicated in-law relationship, more drama over holidays, potential acrimony at weddings and other events. Eldercare becomes more complicated with step-parents. Inheritances are messier.

If the divorced parents were amicable and self aware, if they understood their choice to divorce meant 1/3 vs 1/2 on holidays/grandchildren events, then I would not make it a dealbreaker, but I would not marry someone whose parents were messily divorced.

Not that it is likely to matter as my parents and in laws are still married, but it is how I would advise my children.

What is in bold is a complete stereotype from divorce 20-30 years ago. None of this is true in my situation.

I don’t think it’s a stereotype (I’m the poster you quoted) I’m an older millennial and the friends I have who are married with divorced parents are going through hell. One was written out of her fathers will in favor of the new baby, but her half brother won’t lift a finger to help her now nearly-senile father find a memory care assisted living. Another gets a drunken tirade every Christmas that she doesn’t spend with her mother and spends with her father because “she’s the baby’s real grandma”. Others spend all day on every holiday driving to three or four households to keep the peace.

One family (amicable and self aware!) tolerates their ex spouse on holidays when it’s their turn. Their assets are in trust for their original kids. A family like that would not raise red flags for me.

I can guarantee you, she'd get a drunken tirade for Christmas no matter what. That you think it's because of divorce is laughable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

'

Divorce is not a sign of failure and there is nothing wrong with it.

Regular people think a successful marriage is one that never ends. That mindset is a problem in it self.

I'm sorry, but divorce absolutely is a failure. How ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

We fail in life sometimes. We are human. But some things are successes to be celebrated and some things are failures to try to avoid and learn from. Divorce is in the 2nd category.

Divorce is not a failure. Getting married can be a mistake. Divorce is the right decision in many cases and staying in a bad marriage is the worse failure of all.

I'm the child of divorced parents and there's a ton of trauma in my family that extends beyond the divorce. I refused to date guys who didn't have a divorce or something in their background. People who come from "intact" families or who have never experienced any kind of trouble in life tend to be very judgmental and smug and lack empathy. They also don't have any kind of resilience. When life throws them a curveball, they tend to fold up like a cheap lawn chair. They aren't good at coping with tragedy. And life will throw trouble at you. (Look at the past 2 years!) I didn't go out looking for partners with trauma in their background, but I inevitably found that partners without some scars were naive and unempathetic and childish.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

'

Divorce is not a sign of failure and there is nothing wrong with it.

Regular people think a successful marriage is one that never ends. That mindset is a problem in it self.

You're an idiot. Please don't get married. Enjoy a long-term, non binding relationship. Ever heard of "til death do we part"?

I don't see divorcees as FAILURES, but their marriage, by definition, failed.

Divorce is not a failure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I dated a divorcée. Her parents divorced, then remarried other people, and divorced again.

There were, I think, 8 divorces involving just this couple and their only child (who I dated, but broke up with).

She married the next guy, had a child, and is now divorced from him. Divorce was the norm in that family.

I personally believe more in commitment, personal responsibility, and grit.

Other people? Many seem really fragile or mentally ill these days.

As in grind your teeth and think of England because there is no way she can support herself to the standard she is accustomed to?

Functional and healthy is more important to me.

There are many long-time married people in non-functional and toxic relationships. That's not a plus.

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the circumstances. Signing up for divorced in laws means an exponentially more complicated in-law relationship, more drama over holidays, potential acrimony at weddings and other events. Eldercare becomes more complicated with step-parents. Inheritances are messier.

If the divorced parents were amicable and self aware, if they understood their choice to divorce meant 1/3 vs 1/2 on holidays/grandchildren events, then I would not make it a dealbreaker, but I would not marry someone whose parents were messily divorced.

Not that it is likely to matter as my parents and in laws are still married, but it is how I would advise my children.

Yep, this is my life.

Anonymous wrote:As a child of divorced parents, if someone's going to judge me for something I couldn't control, rather than how I dealt with that event, I have zero interest in marrying them. So, there's that.

x1000

Anonymous wrote:I am laughing - I come from a family where there are no divorces and divorce is viewed as a failure - but the stuff people put up with from
their spouses is incredible and horrific.

Each situation is different - go in with your eyes open - don’t be fooled by superficial stability - look below the surface.

That's what I've seen. As I got divorced all these people told me of their parents intact marriage and all the stuff they put up with. Not in our family, but there is a lot that a marriage certificate does not speak about.

I married someone who had a similar background:
intact childhood home, but whose parents divorced under acrimonious circumstances when we were already adults and out of the house.

In both cases, it was our professionally successful WOTH mothers divorcing fathers who were emotionally neglectful and spiraling with mental health issues. In my spouse's case, their father died a premature death. In my case, my father got professional help and eventually remarried (but our relationship is strained and superficial).

Like attracts like, in my experience. Trauma attracts trauma.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the circumstances. Signing up for divorced in laws means an exponentially more complicated in-law relationship, more drama over holidays, potential acrimony at weddings and other events. Eldercare becomes more complicated with step-parents. Inheritances are messier.

If the divorced parents were amicable and self aware, if they understood their choice to divorce meant 1/3 vs 1/2 on holidays/grandchildren events, then I would not make it a dealbreaker, but I would not marry someone whose parents were messily divorced.

Not that it is likely to matter as my parents and in laws are still married, but it is how I would advise my children.

What is in bold is a complete stereotype from divorce 20-30 years ago. None of this is true in my situation.

I don’t think it’s a stereotype (I’m the poster you quoted) I’m an older millennial and the friends I have who are married with divorced parents are going through hell. One was written out of her fathers will in favor of the new baby, but her half brother won’t lift a finger to help her now nearly-senile father find a memory care assisted living. Another gets a drunken tirade every Christmas that she doesn’t spend with her mother and spends with her father because “she’s the baby’s real grandma”. Others spend all day on every holiday driving to three or four households to keep the peace.

One family (amicable and self aware!) tolerates their ex spouse on holidays when it’s their turn. Their assets are in trust for their original kids. A family like that would not raise red flags for me.

I am laughing - I come from a family where there are no divorces and divorce is viewed as a failure - but the stuff people put up with from
their spouses is incredible and horrific.

Each situation is different - go in with your eyes open - don’t be fooled by superficial stability - look below the surface.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to really see the reasons behind it.

For cheating, alcoholics, physically and emotionally abusive households, hell YEAH that would be some MAJOR red flags. You can pretty much guarantee as nice as they seem in their 20s/early 30s pre-marriage, there are going to be some really big issues come midlife and when kids come along. A lot of that trauma comes out after kids are born and holidays and everything bring back lots of repressed trauma. They also learn to 'lie and compartmentalize' because that is what they had to do outside of the home, they usually learned it from the other parent.

To this point, I would be very wary of marrying the child of an abusive family unless they had done significant therapy to ensure an end to the cycle of abuse. Regardless of whether the parents were still married.

Mom her who left an abusive DH SO THAT my child would not be exposed to it or turn out that way. Now you're telling me he gets all the same disadvantage and stigma?

But your child was exposed to it, unless you left before he was born and you got 100% custody. If he went to therapy to make sure he hadn’t internalized any of it, and he didn’t have ongoing contact with his father (particularly if abuse was sexual) that’s fine. But just leaving an abuser doesn’t always mean the generational cycle of abuse is broken unless additional work is done.

Anonymous wrote:I thought this way and ended up marrying someone who was abusive despite us both coming from intact families over generations. So many families I guess just lived through trauma and stayed together. It's the luck of the draw these days. I would look more at character traits and just do regular counseling. America is the land of freedom and if people want to do something they can.

I know my kids will likely be judged but there's nothing I can do about it. Like the above, we got out as soon as it started becoming abusive. It's hard to say how that will play out in the future. I don't have a crystal ball. I was abused as a child from a parent of an intact marriage - not my own but a relative and have never spoken about it except to family, so no one would know from the outside. The spouse is not the only influencer in a child's life. As I got to see in college. Plenty of people from intact families behaving crazy that likely influenced their behavior as adults. It's not like the parents are marrying off the children anymore. Children have freedom to make their own lives which can go upwards or downwards pretty easily.