Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 08:37     Subject: Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
Anonymous wrote:People I know who have had affairs:

My dad - I know nothing about it until WAY after it happened. (Still married to my mom)
My mom - revenge affair (again, knew nothing about it until WAY after it happened) (She is still married to my dad)
Me - angry, lonely, messed up (I'm still married to my husband)
My AP - wasn't having sex with his wife (He is still married to his wife)
Male friend - ended up divorcing wife and marrying AP, and they are still married (This all happened way before I knew them)

Yep, and that's all the affairs I knew about. So, in my eyes affairs result in long marriages.

Your family and you are the perfect example of how affairs span generations.

Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 08:07     Subject: Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
People I know who have had affairs:

My dad - I know nothing about it until WAY after it happened. (Still married to my mom)
My mom - revenge affair (again, knew nothing about it until WAY after it happened) (She is still married to my dad)
Me - angry, lonely, messed up (I'm still married to my husband)
My AP - wasn't having sex with his wife (He is still married to his wife)
Male friend - ended up divorcing wife and marrying AP, and they are still married (This all happened way before I knew them)

Yep, and that's all the affairs I knew about. So, in my eyes affairs result in long marriages.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 07:43     Subject: Re:Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
Women overthink the motivation for an affair when it comes to men, perhaps because some women have affairs for complicated reasons.

Men have affairs primarily for sex and often but not always - I am sure you were having great sex with your DH when he cheated - because his wife stopped having sex with him.

Sex is a basic need for almost all men. It's that simple. To classify seeking sex as a pathology would pathologize everyone.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 07:42     Subject: Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.


Assuming you live with your family, aren’t you always choosing time with your AP over time with family and activities with your kids?


One hour as a lunchtime nooner twice a month isn’t eating into time that would have been with family or kids. They are at work and school themselves.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 07:41     Subject: Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
Anonymous wrote:I think most cheaters would cheat even if they were in a good marriage with a great spouse. I have seen it happen. There is something broken in some people that makes them cheat. I think some people need the chaos and risk factor vs. a stable marriage.

I wish there was a reliable way to vet people like this, but they tend to be really good liars. Their track record should be taken as a warning, yet some people think they can 'change' a cheater - pure delusion.


That broken thing comes from their background and what they experienced growing up. Experiencing Alcoholic parents, neglect, cheating, divorce and/or abandonment as a child.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 07:41     Subject: Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
Anonymous wrote:You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.


Assuming you live with your family, aren’t you always choosing time with your AP over time with family and activities with your kids?
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 07:36     Subject: Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
I think most cheaters would cheat even if they were in a good marriage with a great spouse. I have seen it happen. There is something broken in some people that makes them cheat. I think some people need the chaos and risk factor vs. a stable marriage.

I wish there was a reliable way to vet people like this, but they tend to be really good liars. Their track record should be taken as a warning, yet some people think they can 'change' a cheater - pure delusion.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 07:30     Subject: Re:Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
^thats because lies and betrayal ruin marriages, and discovery of non-monogamous sex. That guy will see how much hurt, destruction and devastation his “marriage friendly” affair causes sooner or later. None of them think they will get caught abs live in this fantasy where nobody gets hurt.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 07:27     Subject: Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
Anonymous wrote:You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.


The bold is not true if the affair gets discovered. The affair is the direct reason the spouse files.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 07:21     Subject: Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.


Huh? Your AP doesn’t know who is getting “better gifts” or how you behave at home, and vice versa. Personally I don’t see the point of doing something as destructive as an affair unless you love the person, and if you do you tell them.


A lot of married affairs start on Ashley Madison where they have sex immediately after meeting once. Is that love? Get your head out from under the blanket. And, they almost never give gifts—especially if value because they wouldn’t be able to explain them to their spouses. And, if they are getting sex with no strings there is no incentive to do anything particularly nice or spend $. The pp is correct. That’s how most married seasoned men approach affairs.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 07:07     Subject: Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You all are describing amateur night.

Every Authentic Cheater knows that you never, never, never put down your spouse in words or writing to your AP, whom you describe as perfect in every way but one, which happens to be exactly your AP's unique gift.

You never say the three magic words to the AP but you are always loving in your actions.

You never give the AP better gifts than your spouse.

You never refuse emotional support or sex or participation in household projects to your spouse once you have begun to be physically intimate with your AP.

You never choose time with the AP over time with family events or holidays or activities with your kids.

Rancor and neglect ruin marriages, not affairs.


Huh? Your AP doesn’t know who is getting “better gifts” or how you behave at home, and vice versa. Personally I don’t see the point of doing something as destructive as an affair unless you love the person, and if you do you tell them.


Of course your spouse does not know but you know and that affects your energy in interactions with your spouse. If you love someone else you should leave your spouse, but most affairs have little to do with love. People are getting other needs met and do not plan to end their primary relationships. Not loving your spouse is far more destructive than having sex with someone else, as the many DCUMers who divorced over other issues can attest.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 07:02     Subject: Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen plenty of cheating situations that have none of the qualities you mentioned.

In all the cases I’ve seen, there were undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues.


This. And substance abuse issues. The heavy drinker narcissist, for example.


While I haven't diagnosed the people I know who have cheated, they all seem like normal members of society. Hard to believe all cheaters are mentally ill since half of people cheat at some point
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 06:29     Subject: Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen plenty of cheating situations that have none of the qualities you mentioned.

In all the cases I’ve seen, there were undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues.


This. And substance abuse issues. The heavy drinker narcissist, for example.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 04:53     Subject: Re:Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:They all have mental heath isdues

Good friend - bipolar
BIL. - PTSD
roommate from college - serious daddy issues
Coworker - sex molested by brother
Neighbor - alcoholic
H’s coworker - on the job he shot somebody started drinking and had affair

I could go on and on


He shot somebody? Wtf? Is he a police officer or in a line of work that is possible?


Is anyone going to address this???


Presumably a cop.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2021 04:51     Subject: Re:Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.
Holy crap. Do they not sell birth control where you live?