Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 03:23     Subject: Re:I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you imagine a woman wanting to dump her kids on a BIL to go away with her boyfriend for a weekend???? Men get away with so much it's crazy.


To celebrate a 6 month anniversary. A lot here would berate her for not focusing on her kids.



Maybe some would. Some (more sensible and balanced) others would say that "focusing on her kids" doesn't mean being with them 24/7.



Widowed mom here. At about the same timeline as OP's BIL, I took some weekends away with my gentleman friend. My relatives, who LOVED my DH were happy to watch my kids. No one shamed me.

You can be very focused on your children - you kind of have to be when you're the only parent they have - and carve out a new life for yourself. Two things can be possible at the same time.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 03:21     Subject: Re:I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you imagine a woman wanting to dump her kids on a BIL to go away with her boyfriend for a weekend???? Men get away with so much it's crazy.


To celebrate a 6 month anniversary. A lot here would berate her for not focusing on her kids.



Which is not even a thing for adults.


Talk about nit-picking. It is a thing for adults to go away together for a weekend. Who cares why they want to do it.

OP no you don't have to baby sit the kids. Perhaps your husband does want to help his brother out though. I think it would be best for your BIL to leave the kids with either set of grandparents or other family/friends. Let this be the way its handled moving forward. I think it would be best for all parties if you aren't actually involved.

I get grief but the man who lost his wife has processed his grief whilst you are for some reason years later still unable to process it. This is kinda messed up and personally I don't think you should be around his kids at the moment in that kind of intimate setting. What if they say something about it, you really aren't the right person to handle it. You might intentionally or unintentionally screw things up for all of them.

Let the kids stay with other family who will respect all parties involved.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2021 01:47     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. I know you are right, in my heart. I don't expect him to remain single for the life honestly I don't. I think I had finally come around to the idea of SIL being gone, and then now there's this new woman who might be in the picture forever. I don't know it's difficult. It's like she's being replaced, and I wonder if my husband would do the same as his brother if I were to pass. I know that no matter what it's harder on him. And to the posters attacking him for dating, he's been nothing but a devoted dad. Even before my SIL passed he was an involved dad, so it's not like he's dumping the kids on us to go out dating and partying. My husband and I have watched the kids for the weekend before so it's not a new thing, and we don't mind doing it. I know I need to just say yes and be kind. Thank you.


Ummm - Actually it sure does sounds like you want him to stay single for life.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2021 20:56     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, I understand where you’re coming from. It’s hard to see widowed people move on. I lost my own mom when I was young, and I have a very good friend who lost her husband early in her marriage. It’s a very public loss, and it’s hard to see the spouse left behind develop a new romantic relationship.

But those are your feelings to manage. I say this with love, but you need to work your way through your grief over losing your SIL. Some therapy might not be the worst thing. Some sort of ritualized way of saying good-bye to her. It’s okay for your BIL to date again.

I’m sure he loved your SIL very much, and treasures the time he did have with her. But he doesn’t get to have a future with her. It’s okay for him to find someone else to share that time with. And as much as it’s hard for you, this is a time where you should swallow your feelings, put on a smile, and babysit his children. It’s okay to not want it to be happening. But it is. And it’s okay to support him through it.



OP here. Thank you. I know you are right, in my heart. I don't expect him to remain single for the life honestly I don't. I think I had finally come around to the idea of SIL being gone, and then now there's this new woman who might be in the picture forever. I don't know it's difficult. It's like she's being replaced, and I wonder if my husband would do the same as his brother if I were to pass. I know that no matter what it's harder on him. And to the posters attacking him for dating, he's been nothing but a devoted dad. Even before my SIL passed he was an involved dad, so it's not like he's dumping the kids on us to go out dating and partying. My husband and I have watched the kids for the weekend before so it's not a new thing, and we don't mind doing it. I know I need to just say yes and be kind
Thank you.


Pp here. Hugs. It’s hard, I know. My friend who was widowed was actually married to my husband’s BFF. It took her a long time to date again. And she was nervous about how my dh would feel about it. It’s all a lot to process. It will be okay.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2021 20:47     Subject: Re:I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you imagine a woman wanting to dump her kids on a BIL to go away with her boyfriend for a weekend???? Men get away with so much it's crazy.


To celebrate a 6 month anniversary. A lot here would berate her for not focusing on her kids.



Which is not even a thing for adults.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2021 20:42     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Look at it as you getting time with your nieces and nephews. And if he winds up marrying this woman, she is going to have away over your access to those kids a probably to your BIL. You also seem to be prioritizing the feelings about a dead woman over the feelings of her live spouse and your BIL. Also, your husband will not want the relationship soured.

You aren’t being disloyal to your SIL. If she was a nice person, she’d want her husband — who she loved — to be happy and for the kids to have a stepmother.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2021 20:36     Subject: Re:I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you imagine a woman wanting to dump her kids on a BIL to go away with her boyfriend for a weekend???? Men get away with so much it's crazy.


To celebrate a 6 month anniversary. A lot here would berate her for not focusing on her kids.



Maybe some would. Some (more sensible and balanced) others would say that "focusing on her kids" doesn't mean being with them 24/7.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2021 20:31     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Yes I can image asking my brother to take my kids for a weekend. Rarely, but I can imagine it. Isn’t the BIL her husband’s brother?
Dont aunts and uncles do things with their nieces and nephews?

I appreciate the pain of the loss. When you lose someone parts of your everyday life it’s a huge loss.

Her former SIL would appreciate her maintaining her relationship with those kids. That’s the part that matters.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2021 20:28     Subject: Re:I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:Can you imagine a woman wanting to dump her kids on a BIL to go away with her boyfriend for a weekend???? Men get away with so much it's crazy.


To celebrate a 6 month anniversary. A lot here would berate her for not focusing on her kids.

Anonymous
Post 12/04/2021 20:28     Subject: Re:I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:Can you imagine a woman wanting to dump her kids on a BIL to go away with her boyfriend for a weekend???? Men get away with so much it's crazy.


My husband's sister and brother in law leave their kids with us, and we leave ours with them. I don't see a problem with a single parent of either gender leaving their kids with their own sibling and that sibling's spouse.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2021 20:22     Subject: Re:I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Can you imagine a woman wanting to dump her kids on a BIL to go away with her boyfriend for a weekend???? Men get away with so much it's crazy.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2021 20:17     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Geez, OP is well aware that her feelings are "selfish"...no need to pile it on.

OP, I think it's just one of those things that'll get easier with time. If you otherwise would've said yes to the weekend care, if I were you I'd do it and have a great time with them. Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2021 20:09     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:And I feel like the Grinch and my reasoning is totally selfish. I love my nieces and nephews, but I am struggling with BIL having a new girlfriend. My SIL were best friends, neither of us had sisters growing up so we became like sisters, and honestly, I have felt pretty lost since she passed a few years ago, and yes I realize it's worse for my BIL and the kids. My BIL started dating a woman 6 months ago, and things seem to be pretty serious, and she's nice, there's nothing actually wrong with her, but I'm really struggling with the idea of her being around. Anyway, BIL asked me and DH to watch the kids the weekend before Christmas because he wants to go away with his girlfriend for 6-month anniversary. Normally I have no problem babysitting, and we've had plenty of sleepovers in the past and have always had a blast. But I don't want to do this, it feels like we're helping him cheat, even though I know he isn't cheating and isn't doing anything wrong. He's been nothing but a good, but it still feels wrong to me. Of course, my husband doesn't understand why I'm bothered b this. So help me DCUM, help me do the right thing here, and help me not be resentful and be welcoming to his girlfriend.


This is all that matters in your post. Say no.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2021 20:06     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, I understand where you’re coming from. It’s hard to see widowed people move on. I lost my own mom when I was young, and I have a very good friend who lost her husband early in her marriage. It’s a very public loss, and it’s hard to see the spouse left behind develop a new romantic relationship.

But those are your feelings to manage. I say this with love, but you need to work your way through your grief over losing your SIL. Some therapy might not be the worst thing. Some sort of ritualized way of saying good-bye to her. It’s okay for your BIL to date again.

I’m sure he loved your SIL very much, and treasures the time he did have with her. But he doesn’t get to have a future with her. It’s okay for him to find someone else to share that time with. And as much as it’s hard for you, this is a time where you should swallow your feelings, put on a smile, and babysit his children. It’s okay to not want it to be happening. But it is. And it’s okay to support him through it.



OP here. Thank you. I know you are right, in my heart. I don't expect him to remain single for the life honestly I don't. I think I had finally come around to the idea of SIL being gone, and then now there's this new woman who might be in the picture forever. I don't know it's difficult. It's like she's being replaced, and I wonder if my husband would do the same as his brother if I were to pass. I know that no matter what it's harder on him. And to the posters attacking him for dating, he's been nothing but a devoted dad. Even before my SIL passed he was an involved dad, so it's not like he's dumping the kids on us to go out dating and partying. My husband and I have watched the kids for the weekend before so it's not a new thing, and we don't mind doing it. I know I need to just say yes and be kind
Thank you.


It sounds like this is a lot more about your feelings about BIL moving on than about babysitting the kids.

I think you know the answer - be kind and gracious and accepting and watch the kids for the weekend.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2021 19:45     Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
pp again. But Op your reasons are really messed-up.