Your description reminds me of a friend whose husband became extremely controlling once the babies were born. She learned to walk on egg shells around him because "this is what I have to do if I want to stay married".

They did not stay married. And once she left with the kids he had no interest in them anymore. It was weird.

Anonymous wrote:OP: I guess where I struggle is in a sense he would not do these things unless he responded to a negative stimuli. I guess some women might be overall better than I am. So he does have a point on some ways. I am trying to understand the balance. The problem is some of these things are so trivial. But if I ask him to not forget to do something - he normally forgets because he is depressed so he does not like thinking about logistics anymore he tells me his mind is elsewhere and he cannot control it - he can blow up out of proportion.

This is heartbreaking OP. Think about the lesson your child is learning. If mommy is annoying it’s ok for daddy to rage and slam doors? Do you want your child to think this is normal and what they should expect for themselves? If you are annoying (not getting into whether you are or not in these circumstances- it literally doesn’t matter)your spouse can be annoyed but they have the responsibility to express that annoyance in a healthy way. It sounds like your sense of self is really badly damaged at this point in time so I hope you will find a professional to talk to to help you think about what to do.

Anonymous wrote:Cheating.

A lot of men do at this stage in life when they don’t want to handle all the changes and stress of being a parent or bang a mother.

Anonymous wrote:He suffers from depression. He tells me that rage is not ok in the sense that when he gets really annoyed he has thrown things at me and has admitted that is too mucin. But calling me names, mocking me and storming out of the room / slamming doors, he says I provoke him through my annoying behavior. So he says it’s in direct response to that. Again, he can become very agitated easily. The other week I put the laundry on too late. He got very annoyed at me. When I responded in an annoyed fashion to his annoyance he said he hates me and he wants to get a divorce.

Oh HELL no. Please don’t stand for this. Not normal and not OK.

He is being abusive and you should not be blaming yourself. Blaming you for him not being able to control his emotions is part of the abuse.

I get his depression/anxiety may be part of this. Was he like this at all before? Were there any red flags or warning signs?

He needs to get to therapy, on meds and start trying to cope with his depression/anxiety.

Is he like this in other areas of his life? If he goes to work is he able to control himself there or is he now having trouble at work as well. Or is he able to function everywhere else, simply bottles it all up and then comes home and unleashes it.

He sounds like a freak show who bottles everything up and lashes out at his wife.

Keep a logbook of this all daily.

Then read it over one day ina. Few months when you’re well rested. Then decide what to do- divorce consults or therapy to cope with a broken person. Build your local support network too.

Is he working? Is he forgetful there? Does he blow up at people there?

Anonymous wrote:OP: I guess where I struggle is in a sense he would not do these things unless he responded to a negative stimuli. I guess some women might be overall better than I am. So he does have a point on some ways. I am trying to understand the balance. The problem is some of these things are so trivial. But if I ask him to not forget to do something - he normally forgets because he is depressed so he does not like thinking about logistics anymore he tells me his mind is elsewhere and he cannot control it - he can blow up out of proportion.

He could be “forgetting” because of ADHD or any of the spectrum disorders (asd, bipolar, etc.).

When people say your life changes after kids, they’re not literally talking about some diapers to do or a crying baby. They are talking about having to be there 24/7 for another dependent person for years of teaching, developing them and caring for them.
Care-taking is not all about playtime and goofing around. It’s about identifying and fulfilling the needs of a baby, toddler, adolescent, preteen, teen. Needs such as food, clothes, motor skills, language skills, academic skills, manners, self hygiene, good habits, and yes playtime.

He needs to be his best self so he can be the best spouse and care-taker he can be. Raising a child is not just loving the child, it is vastly the caring of the child.

He’s emotionally immature, self centered and lacking empathy. And ya maybe depression increases his irritability, but that’s no excuse for the behavior you describe. Please don’t blame yourself if he finds you annoying.

Anonymous wrote:He is emotional abusive and holds you responsible for his abusive actions.

Prepare for the divorce now. Get yourself prepared in every way you possibly can. When ready, stop tip toeing around trying to please him. When he says he wants a divorce, calmly agree that would be best.

agree. This is verbal and emotional and psychological abuse. If it keeps going you will be an isolated shell of a person and your kid will think his terrible behavior is “normal.” And worse, later may start to treat you the same. And anyone they date or live with.

He can only help himself, you cannot help him. Stop trying. At some point it won’t matter what’s driving his abusive behavior— only that you and the child must get away. You’re his target. Hopefully the kid will never be, even if he does get or want or capable of some custody time.

He is emotional abusive and holds you responsible for his abusive actions.

Prepare for the divorce now. Get yourself prepared in every way you possibly can. When ready, stop tip toeing around trying to please him. When he says he wants a divorce, calmly agree that would be best.

Anonymous wrote:He suffers from depression. He tells me that rage is not ok in the sense that when he gets really annoyed he has thrown things at me and has admitted that is too mucin. But calling me names, mocking me and storming out of the room / slamming doors, he says I provoke him through my annoying behavior. So he says it’s in direct response to that. Again, he can become very agitated easily. The other week I put the laundry on too late. He got very annoyed at me. When I responded in an annoyed fashion to his annoyance he said he hates me and he wants to get a divorce.

It’s some mental disorder causing his depression. Hope he’s on lexapro daily and in a 12 step anger mgmt program.

Blowing up is NOT acceptable. Draw a hard line.

No more kids w him either.

Did he show signs of this kind of behavior before kids, or was it almost non-existent?

OP: what do fights look like for you?

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety. Get him on some anti anxiety meds to take the edge off. Therapy too, as PP suggested.

This.