Anonymous
12/02/2021 19:58
Subject: Re:Why is my family attacking me like this?
Anonymous wrote:Okay, the answer to your subject line is that you have chosen to be polite and thus are allowing your mother to direct the narrative. Your mother has crafted a narrative wherein she was reasonable and you have cut her off as an ungrateful child who doesn't like how your mother parented you.
If you don't want the family members to attack you and you don't want to allow your mother to craft the narrative, you have to be much more open and blunt about why you cut your mother off.
They’ll start by asking benign questions to reel me in, and then explain to me how much I’m hurting my mother, how it’s time I talk to her again. When I explain that I just can’t, the mood changes completely and I’m attacked! From three different people I’ve been told that I have “never deserved anything good”, that I’m “disappointing and cold hearted”, and one person told me that my side of the story doesn’t matter and that they “will ALWAYS take your mother’s side”. All of these arrived within the last three days.
When they get to the point of explaining to you how much you're hurting your mother, you can't be polite. You are just saying that you can't reopen yourself to your mother to be polite. You need to say that your mother subjected you to years of emotional abuse and manipulation and that despite your trying to protect yourself, she continued to hurt you and that you were forced to cut her off to avoid her causing your more emotional harm than she already has. If you need, you can say that you've had to go to therapy for what she's done to you and that your therapist agrees that continuing the relationship with your mother is harmful unless your mother changes her behavior and that your mother has made no attempt to change the behavior that has put you in therapy. Even if this isn't true, you need to put things in terms so clear that the family members will not blame you for the disruption of relations between you and your mother. For the person that says that your side of the story doesn't matter and that they will ALWAYS take your mother's side, then you can just say that you're sorry that this relative does not care about you at all and that the expectation that you will reopen relationships with your abuser just because she believes your mother is sad and hurtful on her part.
You can continue to be polite and then you will have to put up with the extended family believing your mother's side of the story. Or you can fight back and establish your own story about being the abuse victim and protecting yourself. That should stop the aggressive gaslighting from your mother and the family that she has convinced. They may still choose to take her side and deny that your mother was abusive, but they should stop trying to convince you to reopen relations with your mother.
Actually the advice is usually don't explain or justify. Don't engage at all when they do this.
Anonymous
12/02/2021 19:45
Subject: Why is my family attacking me like this?
Not OP, but in similar situation. For years my Mom would say “this is just how families are, they say these things to each other a d then forgive and move on”. Very easy for them to say that when the parent is causing the hurt. This is not normal, it is dysfunctional"
+2. Seems to be SOP. I literally didn't realize until my 5th decade that this was not how normal families behave, that it was okay to expect one's family members to respect you and to be mean, and to apologize if they err.
+2. Seems to be SOP. I literally didn't realize until my 5th decade that this was not how normal families behave, that it was okay to expect one's family members to respect you and to be mean, and to apologize if they err.
Anonymous
12/01/2021 23:12
Subject: Re:Why is my family attacking me like this?
I would block or have a standard response when family reach out suddenly after not hearing from them in a while:
“Great to hear from you, I’d love to catch up. But I need to be upfront— I am not going to discuss my relationship with mom. I have heard from other family members about this recently and I know not everyone agrees with my choice. But it is my choice and I’ve made it. Would still love to catch up with you, but I want to be clear on this from the start.”
“Great to hear from you, I’d love to catch up. But I need to be upfront— I am not going to discuss my relationship with mom. I have heard from other family members about this recently and I know not everyone agrees with my choice. But it is my choice and I’ve made it. Would still love to catch up with you, but I want to be clear on this from the start.”
Anonymous
12/01/2021 23:08
Subject: Why is my family attacking me like this?
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been no-contact with my mother, and my whole family because of this, for over a year. It’s a long story rich in a history of emotional abuse, and all I can say is it’s been better this way, healing. But now as we arrive at this interim time between Thanksgiving and Christmas, something is happening: All of a sudden I’m being bombarded by texts from family members who I haven’t heard from in years.
They’ll start by asking benign questions to reel me in, and then explain to me how much I’m hurting my mother, how it’s time I talk to her again. When I explain that I just can’t, the mood changes completely and I’m attacked! From three different people I’ve been told that I have “never deserved anything good”, that I’m “disappointing and cold hearted”, and one person told me that my side of the story doesn’t matter and that they “will ALWAYS take your mother’s side”. All of these arrived within the last three days.
I haven’t responded to any of them further, but I’m sitting here like wtf just happened! And what do I do with this? These are my family members who I had a fine and loving relationship with until I stopped speaking with my mother. I don’t so much care that they’re angry with me, I knew this would happen and I’ve resigned myself to it. But why are they doing this? Attacking me? What is their end game? Surely they can’t expect to spew such hate and expect me to have a relationship with them? So what’s the point in attacking me?
Do you have a therapist?
Anonymous
12/01/2021 23:05
Subject: Why is my family attacking me like this?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Flying Monkeys-definitely.
You remain calm and don't respond. Good that you are blocking. They are not safe people.
This is what dysfunctional families do. they unite around a scapegoat. Don't be surprised if once you successfully disengage and don't take the bait for months or years, they stat fighting with eachother and eventually cutting off from eachother. Healthy people do not bond over hatred and anger. Healthy people have boundaries and will not emotionally abuse someone for taking a break from a family member.
This -
Not OP, but in similar situation. For years my Mom would say “this is just how families are, they say these things to each other a d then forgive and move on”. Very easy for them to say that when the parent is causing the hurt. This is not normal, it is dysfunctional
This is my mother's playbook as well, though heavy on the "forgive" not apologize. She is never wrong, so there is never any reason for her to ever apologize for anything on earth. Anyone who might be upset just has to forgive her for misunderstanding her intentions and apologize TO her for accusing her of wrongdoing, which she would never do.
Anonymous
12/01/2021 21:39
Subject: Why is my family attacking me like this?
OP this is really typical in families like this. Once you pull away the sob story is spread around the family painting you as the bad guy and then flying monkey's come in to pull you back into line.
Block them. They have already told you they will take your mothers side. Fine, that's ok. PP's are right, when you remove yourself eventually they grow bored and someone new will be attacked. Distance yourself from these crazy games, life is much more peaceful.
Don't engage with family over this anymore. You don't need to defend yourself. If you need to talk find someone you trust or a therapist but don't go to family because that's where the dysfunction is so they aren't going to be any help to you.
Be careful of gaslighting - trust yourself, what's happening isn't normal, this isn't family just being family.
Block them. They have already told you they will take your mothers side. Fine, that's ok. PP's are right, when you remove yourself eventually they grow bored and someone new will be attacked. Distance yourself from these crazy games, life is much more peaceful.
Don't engage with family over this anymore. You don't need to defend yourself. If you need to talk find someone you trust or a therapist but don't go to family because that's where the dysfunction is so they aren't going to be any help to you.
Be careful of gaslighting - trust yourself, what's happening isn't normal, this isn't family just being family.
Anonymous
12/01/2021 20:59
Subject: Why is my family attacking me like this?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Flying Monkeys-definitely.
You remain calm and don't respond. Good that you are blocking. They are not safe people.
This is what dysfunctional families do. they unite around a scapegoat. Don't be surprised if once you successfully disengage and don't take the bait for months or years, they stat fighting with eachother and eventually cutting off from eachother. Healthy people do not bond over hatred and anger. Healthy people have boundaries and will not emotionally abuse someone for taking a break from a family member.
This -
Not OP, but in similar situation. For years my Mom would say “this is just how families are, they say these things to each other a d then forgive and move on”. Very easy for them to say that when the parent is causing the hurt. This is not normal, it is dysfunctional
Oh my gosh! My MIL used to say version of this- you can say anything to your family, it’s her right to say whatever she wants. She is not a bad person and was not abusing people but I hated this! I don’t think she liked my view that I didn’t have to sit and listen to her opinions on stuff that was none of her business…
Anonymous
12/01/2021 16:07
Subject: Why is my family attacking me like this?
I also like HG Tudor videos on narcissism. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUtLvjs0eqk
Highly recommend starting the day with a "Once You Know You GO" coffee cup.
Hugs, OP. We can't change other people and we were not put here to be victimized. Protect yourself and live your best life.
Highly recommend starting the day with a "Once You Know You GO" coffee cup.
Hugs, OP. We can't change other people and we were not put here to be victimized. Protect yourself and live your best life.
Anonymous
12/01/2021 15:43
Subject: Why is my family attacking me like this?
This is why I didn't take my therapist's advice and totally cut off my mother; narcs then recruit others to do their dirty work. They really lose their sh*t and my mom was pretty elderly anyhow by that point, but the emotional abuse (name calling, constant criticism, etc..) was worse.
I kept interaction to a minimum instead, and only went to see them for a couple days at a time, a couple times per year. Maybe called a couple times a month. And then "gray rocked" any comments.
Sorry OP. Your mom probably cried about how awful you are and that you need to be shamed in order to come back around and have a relationship. Which pretty much indicates how she operates, instead of trying to repair the relationship with you.
Just don't reply, or work with a therapist to create a standard reply to all of them, so they all get the same message. Something like...I really missed you at thanksgiving, but mom and I need to work through some things. Please respect my decision.
I kept interaction to a minimum instead, and only went to see them for a couple days at a time, a couple times per year. Maybe called a couple times a month. And then "gray rocked" any comments.
Sorry OP. Your mom probably cried about how awful you are and that you need to be shamed in order to come back around and have a relationship. Which pretty much indicates how she operates, instead of trying to repair the relationship with you.
Just don't reply, or work with a therapist to create a standard reply to all of them, so they all get the same message. Something like...I really missed you at thanksgiving, but mom and I need to work through some things. Please respect my decision.
Anonymous
12/01/2021 15:34
Subject: Why is my family attacking me like this?
Anonymous wrote:We don't know what happened, so honestly you could be right or you could be spoiled snowflake.
Let's say that is true for shits and giggles. She still has every right to not speak to whomever she doesn't wish to speak with.
Anonymous
12/01/2021 15:27
Subject: Why is my family attacking me like this?
I had this. I ignored them. Who are they to tell you how to interact (or not) with your own mother. It's none of their business and they wouldn't tolerate being told what to do by you, either.
It is infuriating when this happens and the best thing you can do is ignore it, don't validate it by responding.
It is infuriating when this happens and the best thing you can do is ignore it, don't validate it by responding.
Anonymous
12/01/2021 13:27
Subject: Re:Why is my family attacking me like this?
Okay, the answer to your subject line is that you have chosen to be polite and thus are allowing your mother to direct the narrative. Your mother has crafted a narrative wherein she was reasonable and you have cut her off as an ungrateful child who doesn't like how your mother parented you.
If you don't want the family members to attack you and you don't want to allow your mother to craft the narrative, you have to be much more open and blunt about why you cut your mother off.
When they get to the point of explaining to you how much you're hurting your mother, you can't be polite. You are just saying that you can't reopen yourself to your mother to be polite. You need to say that your mother subjected you to years of emotional abuse and manipulation and that despite your trying to protect yourself, she continued to hurt you and that you were forced to cut her off to avoid her causing your more emotional harm than she already has. If you need, you can say that you've had to go to therapy for what she's done to you and that your therapist agrees that continuing the relationship with your mother is harmful unless your mother changes her behavior and that your mother has made no attempt to change the behavior that has put you in therapy. Even if this isn't true, you need to put things in terms so clear that the family members will not blame you for the disruption of relations between you and your mother. For the person that says that your side of the story doesn't matter and that they will ALWAYS take your mother's side, then you can just say that you're sorry that this relative does not care about you at all and that the expectation that you will reopen relationships with your abuser just because she believes your mother is sad and hurtful on her part.
You can continue to be polite and then you will have to put up with the extended family believing your mother's side of the story. Or you can fight back and establish your own story about being the abuse victim and protecting yourself. That should stop the aggressive gaslighting from your mother and the family that she has convinced. They may still choose to take her side and deny that your mother was abusive, but they should stop trying to convince you to reopen relations with your mother.
If you don't want the family members to attack you and you don't want to allow your mother to craft the narrative, you have to be much more open and blunt about why you cut your mother off.
They’ll start by asking benign questions to reel me in, and then explain to me how much I’m hurting my mother, how it’s time I talk to her again. When I explain that I just can’t, the mood changes completely and I’m attacked! From three different people I’ve been told that I have “never deserved anything good”, that I’m “disappointing and cold hearted”, and one person told me that my side of the story doesn’t matter and that they “will ALWAYS take your mother’s side”. All of these arrived within the last three days.
When they get to the point of explaining to you how much you're hurting your mother, you can't be polite. You are just saying that you can't reopen yourself to your mother to be polite. You need to say that your mother subjected you to years of emotional abuse and manipulation and that despite your trying to protect yourself, she continued to hurt you and that you were forced to cut her off to avoid her causing your more emotional harm than she already has. If you need, you can say that you've had to go to therapy for what she's done to you and that your therapist agrees that continuing the relationship with your mother is harmful unless your mother changes her behavior and that your mother has made no attempt to change the behavior that has put you in therapy. Even if this isn't true, you need to put things in terms so clear that the family members will not blame you for the disruption of relations between you and your mother. For the person that says that your side of the story doesn't matter and that they will ALWAYS take your mother's side, then you can just say that you're sorry that this relative does not care about you at all and that the expectation that you will reopen relationships with your abuser just because she believes your mother is sad and hurtful on her part.
You can continue to be polite and then you will have to put up with the extended family believing your mother's side of the story. Or you can fight back and establish your own story about being the abuse victim and protecting yourself. That should stop the aggressive gaslighting from your mother and the family that she has convinced. They may still choose to take her side and deny that your mother was abusive, but they should stop trying to convince you to reopen relations with your mother.
Anonymous
12/01/2021 13:16
Subject: Why is my family attacking me like this?
Anonymous wrote:How about, you took offense at some perceived slight and all these people are right? You imagined some abuse that is in your mind?
Why are all these people crazy and you are right? If one person is called out by many, why should be believe that one persons opinion is correct and all around her are wrong.
I don't know what your story is as to why you are disbelieving OP. No it's not everyone thinking one thing vs. OP thinking another. This is specific to this family. Don't know any weird families? I guess you are just lucky.
Anonymous
12/01/2021 13:09
Subject: Why is my family attacking me like this?
How about, you took offense at some perceived slight and all these people are right? You imagined some abuse that is in your mind?
Why are all these people crazy and you are right? If one person is called out by many, why should be believe that one persons opinion is correct and all around her are wrong.
Why are all these people crazy and you are right? If one person is called out by many, why should be believe that one persons opinion is correct and all around her are wrong.
Anonymous
12/01/2021 13:07
Subject: Why is my family attacking me like this?
I don't know what is emotional abuse exactly. Yelling? Screaming? Calling you names?
Or not letting you party at 9:30 club all night.
You just don't know these days with the younger crowd.
Or not letting you party at 9:30 club all night.
You just don't know these days with the younger crowd.