Anonymous
11/17/2021 10:15
Subject: Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all again for the advice and for the amazing cocktail from DCUM bartender! For those offering advice specific to sailboats: my husband is a lifelong sailor and has always had one. He just has his heart set on upgrading to really a much larger one with three cabins etc. And yes, they are that expensive even used, and he knows they don’t hold their value. We’d finance it— it would be a large monthly payment of about $3k plus of course slip fees, maintenance etc.
It’s not even about the boat for me so much as it is about the disregard for me. The other night when I told him I really don’t want to get this huge boat he said, “I don’t care what you want.”
Plus the lack of sex for 5 years, when I got tired of constantly initiating so just stopped, is a big problem. And the not-infrequent verbal abuse he throws my way is also a major, if not the core, issue.
I know boating people OP, so I understand that it's the real thing. However, that level of investment only makes sense if you're really going to sail - like become a cruiser for months out of the year, a serious commitment. If you don't want that life, it doesn't make sense for you to pay for half the boat. Also - even if you did want to sail yourself - cruising is a HUGE stressor on couples. If he's already a jerk to you on land, how do you think he's going to act in the middle of a passage when something goes wrong? Not to get overly dramatic, but my sailing friend told me that her &sshole boyfriend nearly killed her once in a fight on the water.
Sounds like your husband wants to live a different life now, and that's totally fine. Let him go.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 10:10
Subject: Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
OP here. Thank you all again for the advice and for the amazing cocktail from DCUM bartender! For those offering advice specific to sailboats: my husband is a lifelong sailor and has always had one. He just has his heart set on upgrading to really a much larger one with three cabins etc. And yes, they are that expensive even used, and he knows they don’t hold their value. We’d finance it— it would be a large monthly payment of about $3k plus of course slip fees, maintenance etc.
It’s not even about the boat for me so much as it is about the disregard for me. The other night when I told him I really don’t want to get this huge boat he said, “I don’t care what you want.”
Plus the lack of sex for 5 years, when I got tired of constantly initiating so just stopped, is a big problem. And the not-infrequent verbal abuse he throws my way is also a major, if not the core, issue.
It’s not even about the boat for me so much as it is about the disregard for me. The other night when I told him I really don’t want to get this huge boat he said, “I don’t care what you want.”
Plus the lack of sex for 5 years, when I got tired of constantly initiating so just stopped, is a big problem. And the not-infrequent verbal abuse he throws my way is also a major, if not the core, issue.
Anonymous
11/16/2021 22:16
Subject: Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:After reading this and a few pages of your previous post, all I can comment on is...
What's all this talk about being 51 like it's sooo old... Likely wouldn't find another partner, someone to be there in old age, etc...
Maybe it's the millennial in me, but 51 is not old. I'm 32. I literally do not think of 51 as old. With online dating and other services I'd bet you could find multiple people with more similar values/interests than your current husband.
I'm happily married with 3 young kids. But with complete honesty, if at 50 years of age when our kids are in their 20s, if DH and I were in a sexless marriage with such stark differences in goals/desires ... I don't think I'd have trouble choosing divorce. I mean, at 51 you could do so many things with your life. You sound stressed. With more time to do the things you love, be with friends/family... You could prioritize your mental and physical health and live the greatest decades of your life ahead....
This is a good point. DH is 52 and I’m 49 and we don’t really feel “old.” We have teens but a lot of our friends have younger kids. We sort of have to remind ourselves of our age because I do think we need to be aware that time passes quickly but you can start over in early 50s. Frankly, I know a number of people divorcing, seems like as the kids get more independent, so I think you could meet someone else if you wanted.
Anonymous
11/16/2021 21:54
Subject: Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of this thread:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/991591.page
So anyway, I did get into individual counseling but have only had a couple sessions— but it’s been very helpful. But this just happened last night and my next appointment isn’t for a week.
So we got to talking about his continued urgent desire to buy a much larger sailboat (it would cost about what a vacation house would cost) and some other goals he has. I said, “I understand that’s what you want. From my perspective, you were able to stop working five years ago at 51 and pursue your dream business, which I have always supported. But now I am in my early 50s and thinking about the future. I don’t want to work until I’m 70 supporting us when I’m already pretty burned out in my career.”
His response was: “wow. That’s the nastiest thing you ever said to me. You are throwing it back in my face that I stopped working, when you encouraged me all along.” He also added that for most of our relationship, he made more money than me. I said, “I know— but I’ve worked really hard the whole time we’ve known each other and now I’m bringing in 80% of our income. I just want a plan for the future.”
I was shocked he said it was nasty because I didn’t mean it in an unkind way at all. I was expressing my needs for the future.
I said, “I am not trying to be nasty and I still completely support what you are doing. But I think as an couple we need to decide together on a plan so that I can also enjoy freedom of pursuing my own passions someday. I’d prefer to put the money for this boat into retirement savings.”
That really made him mad. He said “the whole reason I’ve been building my business is so we can do what we want, like buying this boat.” And he said “I’m not going to be a slave to retirement savings.” He added that if the boat ever became too expensive, we could sell it or he could start making more money to pay for it.
I said, “I understand all that but I’m worried specifically that this boat is going to be a money pit and we don’t have a plan that will allow me to stop working when I want to.”
He said we can do both— buy the boat, save for my retirement. I’ve run the numbers and I’m not sure how. He’s so focused on the here and now.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night and just feel extremely sad today.
if you don't want to get divorced .. and maybe there are good reasons not to ... can you still formally separate your finances and
each pursue whatever
Anonymous
11/16/2021 21:47
Subject: Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Divorce him and take half his boat.
I’ll make you a cocktail for the occasion, too…
— DCUM bartender
OP here. Thank you all for your responses— I am reading and feeling supported. Thank you. I need to make a big change.
Bartender— what would you make if I rolled out?
This one’s on the house, OP.
Diva vodka, fresh passion fruit juice, butterfly pea flower, Liberté Divine champagne. Pour in a crystal coupe glass and sprinkle a crumbled sheet of gold leaf on top. Toast to your new retirement account.
Daaaaayum. I'd drink to that.
OP, I would definitely get your ducks in a row. Then have the this isn't working for me conversation. You deserve to retire and if you can't see enjoying retirement with his selfish a$$, it's time. You'll find your tribe of people better than him.
Anonymous
11/16/2021 21:19
Subject: Re:Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:My spouse bullied me to take on a much bigger expense than I wanted to. Now we both regret it deeply and it's caused.much stress. In your case there are a whole boat load of other issues. Probably time for you to detach.i don't think you are going to get the husband you want back.
Anonymous
11/16/2021 21:18
Subject: Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
A boat that costs the same as a damn vacation home?? What the actual??? And then he turns things around on you calling a reasonable discussion nasty? That's some BS pure manipulation. Ugh he's vile.
Anonymous
11/16/2021 21:17
Subject: Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
After reading this and a few pages of your previous post, all I can comment on is...
What's all this talk about being 51 like it's sooo old... Likely wouldn't find another partner, someone to be there in old age, etc...
Maybe it's the millennial in me, but 51 is not old. I'm 32. I literally do not think of 51 as old. With online dating and other services I'd bet you could find multiple people with more similar values/interests than your current husband.
I'm happily married with 3 young kids. But with complete honesty, if at 50 years of age when our kids are in their 20s, if DH and I were in a sexless marriage with such stark differences in goals/desires ... I don't think I'd have trouble choosing divorce. I mean, at 51 you could do so many things with your life. You sound stressed. With more time to do the things you love, be with friends/family... You could prioritize your mental and physical health and live the greatest decades of your life ahead....
What's all this talk about being 51 like it's sooo old... Likely wouldn't find another partner, someone to be there in old age, etc...
Maybe it's the millennial in me, but 51 is not old. I'm 32. I literally do not think of 51 as old. With online dating and other services I'd bet you could find multiple people with more similar values/interests than your current husband.
I'm happily married with 3 young kids. But with complete honesty, if at 50 years of age when our kids are in their 20s, if DH and I were in a sexless marriage with such stark differences in goals/desires ... I don't think I'd have trouble choosing divorce. I mean, at 51 you could do so many things with your life. You sound stressed. With more time to do the things you love, be with friends/family... You could prioritize your mental and physical health and live the greatest decades of your life ahead....
Anonymous
11/16/2021 21:14
Subject: Re:Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
My spouse bullied me to take on a much bigger expense than I wanted to. Now we both regret it deeply and it's caused.much stress. In your case there are a whole boat load of other issues. Probably time for you to detach.i don't think you are going to get the husband you want back.
Anonymous
11/16/2021 21:04
Subject: Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
Oh OP, I remember your first post. You're in a sexless marriage, and he's manipulating you emotionally to get what he wants. I can't remember if I posted on your original post.
I get that you love him and he's a dear person to you. But from the outside, this is no kind of partnership. If you really think about what you want out of life (moving back to the midwest, being around family) is he willing at all to give you any of that?
Please discuss with your therapist his attempted emotional manipulation.
And please think about YOU. Not just about him. I wish you well.
I get that you love him and he's a dear person to you. But from the outside, this is no kind of partnership. If you really think about what you want out of life (moving back to the midwest, being around family) is he willing at all to give you any of that?
Please discuss with your therapist his attempted emotional manipulation.
And please think about YOU. Not just about him. I wish you well.
Anonymous
11/16/2021 20:31
Subject: Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:get an independent financial counselor to do the numbers and assess retirement and/or boat options.
Also a boat is even worse than a car in terms of resale - harder to resell and value drops more probably.
This is where I would start. Get numbers from an expert who doesn't have an emotional connection to the situation, and see if that changes the conversation. If it doesn't, you may need to escalate to some of the other things people have suggested.
OP, I am the person above who suggested the financial planner. My Dad had a boat when I was growing up. I have to say, I have many fond memories of tbe time I spent sailing with him. Being out on the water (the Chesapeake Bay) was very calming. He grew up near the water and had a small boat as a teen, so I know it made him happy too. My Mom didn’t enjoy it and din’t come very often. At a certain age me and my siblings had other things to do. The boat cost a lot - not only to buy but also to dock and maintain.
Back then my Dad earned the money (a lot) and my Mom didn’t work, so I’m not sure there was any dispute about money. But, neither of my parents have been big spenders - no mercedes or porsche, no vacation home, no private school tuition, no country club fees or designer handbags, etc.. My Dad saved a huge chunk of money otherwise, managed it very well in the stock market and paid in full for our higher education.
I loved the boat, but the gift of financial stability and paid college without loans was truly life changing for us kids, and for them. They do not have to worry at all about money in retirement, although they still live modestly compared to their net worth.
Perhaps compromise by spending some money but on a boat you don’t own - go on a sailing vacation. Rent a boat for a day, etc. It’s not the same as owning a boat, but it’s way less maintenance. Support him being a social sailor at Annapolis Boat Club or being a crew member on a racing team. Take the family to sailing camp or buy tickets to sail on a tall ship, etc.
Anonymous
11/16/2021 20:28
Subject: Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Divorce him and take half his boat.
I’ll make you a cocktail for the occasion, too…
— DCUM bartender
OP here. Thank you all for your responses— I am reading and feeling supported. Thank you. I need to make a big change.
Bartender— what would you make if I rolled out?
This one’s on the house, OP.
Diva vodka, fresh passion fruit juice, butterfly pea flower, Liberté Divine champagne. Pour in a crystal coupe glass and sprinkle a crumbled sheet of gold leaf on top. Toast to your new retirement account.
AOC, is that you? The drink looks perfect.
Anonymous
11/16/2021 20:20
Subject: Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Divorce him and take half his boat.
I’ll make you a cocktail for the occasion, too…
— DCUM bartender
OP here. Thank you all for your responses— I am reading and feeling supported. Thank you. I need to make a big change.
Bartender— what would you make if I rolled out?
This one’s on the house, OP.
Diva vodka, fresh passion fruit juice, butterfly pea flower, Liberté Divine champagne. Pour in a crystal coupe glass and sprinkle a crumbled sheet of gold leaf on top. Toast to your new retirement account.
Anonymous
11/16/2021 19:04
Subject: Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:Divorce him and take half his boat.
I’ll make you a cocktail for the occasion, too…
— DCUM bartender
OP here. Thank you all for your responses— I am reading and feeling supported. Thank you. I need to make a big change.
Bartender— what would you make if I rolled out?
Anonymous
11/16/2021 18:20
Subject: Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?
He is an idiot and also selfish and insane. I would run a credit check on both of you for any debts you don't know about. Protect yourself.