Anonymous
Post 11/15/2021 11:55     Subject: Aloof neighbors
Anonymous wrote:We've lived in our neighborhood for 10 years. I feel that our neighborhood is cold, aloof and unfriendly. I want to get to know our neighbors better but I feel like they are not interested. Here's an example of why I think this:

Three years ago we got new neighbors on one side. We have two kids, at the time, ages 5 and 7. One week after they moved in we all went over with a lovely gift basket and introduced ourselves. This was pre-Covid. We had a quick chat for 5 minutes and they didn't invite us in. Since then we've never actually talked to them again, and this was 3 years ago. They are never outside. They now have two kids, ages 1 and 3. Did they decide in those 5 minutes that they didn't like us and we weren't worth getting to know? Pre-Covid we had a few backyard BBQs and invited them. They never RSVP'd and ignored the invites. Occasionally we'll see them taking their trash cans down and we'll wave and they'll wave back and that's it.

Two years ago we got new neighbors on the other side. At the time our kids were 6 and 8. They had one kid, age 2. The week after they moved in we went over to their house and brought them a welcome gift basket. We talked on their driveway for about 20 minutes. We've seen them out walking maybe twice since then, and had a quick 2 minute chat--pleasant but not friendly. All summer they had deck parties and they never once invited us. We never see them outside.

We are outside playing in our yard or gardening all the time, and when a neighbor walks by, we say hello and have a quick chat. But we have no friends in the neighborhood at all. Do people just not like us? We thought we were doing a nice gesture by taking over the welcome baskets and welcoming them to the neighborhood but it didn't seem like it was appreciated. We're even on the HOA committee to try to get to know neighbors. Over the summer I sent out an email to a few families in the neighborhood directory who had kids to see if they wanted to meet up for a backyard playdate, no one responded. I feel bad that my kids have no friends in the neighborhood and don't really know any of the kids.

What would you think in this situation?



I responded earlier about approaching other families in your neighborhood as adults first, instead of playdate vessels—which is totally just advice stemming my own preference—but I was thinking about this again and it seems like you have other friends in your life (given you referenced throwing BBQs) so I’d just put your energies into those relationships! In your position, I don’t think I’d think much at all about my neighbors if we just didn’t click for whatever reason.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2021 11:19     Subject: Aloof neighbors
This makes me sad-- you're clearly trying to reach out, build community, make a connection to people and for whatever reason they're not willing and that sucks.

I will say, I teach my kids how to be social, how to be inclusive in settings but also conversations, i'm shocked as a 35 year old how many adults still can't carry a normal convo. chalk it up to that.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2021 11:06     Subject: Re:Aloof neighbors
Anonymous wrote:OP,

I extend to you many hugs. As well as a most sincerely offered virtual gift basket.

I think it’s a mismatch in kids’ ages. Plus maybe marital tension due to new kids. Or maybe financial stress, due to housing costs, if you live anywhere near DC. Maybe they don’t have $$$$ to furnish their new homes nicely. Who knows why they don’t feel like they’re in a place where they can reciprocate.

If your kids are still young, I would focus on school as a great place to meet fellow parents.

And if you are so inclined, continue to welcome new neighbors to your development. That’s just the right thing to do.


+1
You sound like a nice neighbor OP and wish our own neighbors were so friendly. I'm guessing your gesture was really appreciated and agree with this PP that the kids' ages are just too different. Your children are at an age where they should be making friends in the neighborhood themselves and biking and walking around without your help so things will change OP. By the time my kids were about 8-9 but most definitely by 10 they were making their own plans and I would just tell them to be back at a certain time.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2021 08:32     Subject: Aloof neighbors
Honestly, I think its more this area than anything--the only real exception to this, in my experience, is when we lived in Glover Park with their great front porch culture. But, especially in the close-in burbs, many of my friends report similar experiences.

That said, we're further out now and the neighborhood is very friendly. Occasional block parties, kids trick or treat together, etc. But people move to our neighborhood for that type of vibe.

I will say, I do warm to the neighbors who seem to want to get to know us first as adults as opposed to "parents." We were invited over for drinks by one neighbor (kids were welcome, with the expectation they'd all entertain one another) and that kicked off a much more natural neighbor friendship than those who invited us over for playdates as the first "getting to know you" activity, which sets a very different tone.

All totally fine, but even out here in the family-centric 'burbs, I do prefer people who at least make an effort to get to know one another as people (as opposed to simply being "X's mom and dad.")

OP, if you haven't tried that approach, perhaps something to keep in mind in case others feel like me.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2021 08:16     Subject: Aloof neighbors
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am 59 and I have never been in a neighbors house, backyard or socialized with a neighbor. That includes growing up, my two apartment buildings and two houses.

My block had tons of kids they don’t talk. Period. At bus stop heads down on iPhone.

It is not a thing. Kinda creepy as I don’t want my neighbors invading my personal space.




That’s weird actually.


Yea this is really weird and I’m creeped out. This poster has never socialized with a neighbor or been on a neighbors property and none of the kids in the neighborhood talk to each other and don’t look up from their phones? Some twilight zone stuff going on here


Actually normal. It is creepy being friends neighbors. My wife only did it three times and short lived as last started crap like being in my mail, watch my house, watch my kids. They slowly turn you into free slave labor. Then the one women actually who forced my wife into a activity she did not like much but went anyhow the women ran into someone and said introduce me to your friend. She then said this is not my friend just a neighbor.

My favorite my other neighbor became friends with a neighbor whose husband got promoted to big job and moved to a nearby rich neighborhood told her neighbor when she said would love to see house. You won’t, I am cutting ties to this middle class neighborhood and moving so my kids have better quality people to associate with. She did play dates all the time women’s kids.

I don’t mind friends in my town or school. Not next door. They are vultures. Literally my neighbors growing up first stepped in my moms house after 30 years was after she died looking to buy house cheap for a song one of their kids.

We actually had a deal realtor if we found buyer on own only one percent commission. Told one neighbor hey it is listed I will tell you highest offer and if you want you since paying 5 percent commission to realtor finds you can have it for 3 percent below high bid with the realtor. They said we don’t want to pay market price “we are a neighbor”
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2021 07:45     Subject: Re:Aloof neighbors
From your description I would avoid you at all costs if I was your neighbor.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2021 07:34     Subject: Aloof neighbors
Anonymous wrote:The families you describe have babies and preschoolers. Your kids are in elementary. They assume they don’t have anything in common with you. Also do you remember what it is like to have a toddler? Even if you do remember not being able to make chit chat because you need to closely supervise a child at your neighbors non-childproof deck/yard, this is a pandemic. We barely saw people we know and like for over a year, we were going to strike up new friendships.

I think you are just out of step with the neighbors kids/life wise. We lived next to a family with kids the same age for 5 years and played with them like 3 times. Now we live on a cul de sac with several families and our kids play every day.


I’ll add on that
1. The HOA membership is hurting you socially
2. The neighbors might think the gift basket is from the HOA, not you.
3. The other moms will be interested in you once their kids start school and you have activity / camp info to share
4. Your kids will be more sought after once they are babysitting age.

One way I’ve met moms is to plan events without kids. Join a running group, invite people to have coffe and donuts after school drop off on the first or last day, invite moms over for a glass of wine on your deck. The key for us has been to make it breezy and impromptu. We have a fire pit and my husband and O might know all week we are doing s’mores with the kids Friday night - but I’ll post on our neighborhood FB group at 4pm “just decided to make s’mores tonight. We have plenty of marshmallows if you want to stop by. Or I’ll invite some moms from my older kid’s grade over on a Thursday night, but I send the invite on Monday like “if you can make it, cool, just a casual gathering”.

I think when it seems like a pre-planned party, people overthink it. When it’s short notice, people squeeze it in if they can and don’t feel pressure if they can’t. I hosted 3-4 casual events before another mom planned one for her house.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2021 07:17     Subject: Aloof neighbors
The families you describe have babies and preschoolers. Your kids are in elementary. They assume they don’t have anything in common with you. Also do you remember what it is like to have a toddler? Even if you do remember not being able to make chit chat because you need to closely supervise a child at your neighbors non-childproof deck/yard, this is a pandemic. We barely saw people we know and like for over a year, we were going to strike up new friendships.

I think you are just out of step with the neighbors kids/life wise. We lived next to a family with kids the same age for 5 years and played with them like 3 times. Now we live on a cul de sac with several families and our kids play every day.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2021 22:50     Subject: Aloof neighbors
If any of us in the neighborhood was in need of help, neighbors would help. Otherwise we respect each other's privacy. That's a good thing. This is, potentially, a long relationship. Life long perhaps. No reason to risk a congenial relationship by getting overly familiar and forming cliches. As for asking for favors, as for friendships, I have my own friends. -- beyond the immediate houses on our street. I assume my neighbors do too.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2021 22:01     Subject: Aloof neighbors
I lived in a neighborhood like this. Lots of mom groups. Kids playing and teens wandering about. But I realized something really quickly:

I don’t want that kind of drama.

Enjoy the distance OP. It will save your sanity to not be involved.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2021 20:34     Subject: Re:Aloof neighbors
Growing up my parents had a lot of neighborhood friends and I definitely wanted that for my family. We have it, and I love it. Having kids definitely helped but our neighborhood is really friendly to everyone.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2021 20:29     Subject: Aloof neighbors
Count your blessings, OP. There are about 4,000 prior threads on here re: navigating actively psychopathic neighbors for you to read.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2021 20:27     Subject: Aloof neighbors
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We've lived in our neighborhood for 10 years. I feel that our neighborhood is cold, aloof and unfriendly. I want to get to know our neighbors better but I feel like they are not interested. Here's an example of why I think this:

Three years ago we got new neighbors on one side. We have two kids, at the time, ages 5 and 7. One week after they moved in we all went over with a lovely gift basket and introduced ourselves. This was pre-Covid. We had a quick chat for 5 minutes and they didn't invite us in. Since then we've never actually talked to them again, and this was 3 years ago. They are never outside. They now have two kids, ages 1 and 3. Did they decide in those 5 minutes that they didn't like us and we weren't worth getting to know? Pre-Covid we had a few backyard BBQs and invited them. They never RSVP'd and ignored the invites. Occasionally we'll see them taking their trash cans down and we'll wave and they'll wave back and that's it.

Two years ago we got new neighbors on the other side. At the time our kids were 6 and 8. They had one kid, age 2. The week after they moved in we went over to their house and brought them a welcome gift basket. We talked on their driveway for about 20 minutes. We've seen them out walking maybe twice since then, and had a quick 2 minute chat--pleasant but not friendly. All summer they had deck parties and they never once invited us. We never see them outside.

We are outside playing in our yard or gardening all the time, and when a neighbor walks by, we say hello and have a quick chat. But we have no friends in the neighborhood at all. Do people just not like us? We thought we were doing a nice gesture by taking over the welcome baskets and welcoming them to the neighborhood but it didn't seem like it was appreciated. We're even on the HOA committee to try to get to know neighbors. Over the summer I sent out an email to a few families in the neighborhood directory who had kids to see if they wanted to meet up for a backyard playdate, no one responded. I feel bad that my kids have no friends in the neighborhood and don't really know any of the kids.

What would you think in this situation?



This is totally normal for DC unfortunately.

Just deal with it or move some place else where people are friendlier.

Not in my experience living in multiple places in DC (Dupont, Logan, Woodley Park). But it does sound like where I grew up in Fairfax.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2021 20:11     Subject: Aloof neighbors
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am 59 and I have never been in a neighbors house, backyard or socialized with a neighbor. That includes growing up, my two apartment buildings and two houses.

My block had tons of kids they don’t talk. Period. At bus stop heads down on iPhone.

It is not a thing. Kinda creepy as I don’t want my neighbors invading my personal space.




That’s weird actually.


Yea this is really weird and I’m creeped out. This poster has never socialized with a neighbor or been on a neighbors property and none of the kids in the neighborhood talk to each other and don’t look up from their phones? Some twilight zone stuff going on here
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2021 17:53     Subject: Aloof neighbors
Hahaha be grateful, OP!

I know neighbors who asked favors from a new neighbor before that new neighbor literally even moved into their home! Rather have your neighbor, no contest!

The best kind of neighbor keeps to themselves. Period.