Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Yes, I believe this is true. Men have less "caring" gene and women have more "bit*h" gene.

Misogyny much? This entire thread in itself is a lesson in sexism.

Reality check - this gender gap in providing unpaid care exists and putting your head in the sand does not solve anything …

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Maybe but gentle communication helps.

My daughter told my son I was hurt he never calls me (I worked incredibly hard to help him overcome many challenges and enjoy success now and tried to be the best mother I could despite coming from an abusive mentally unwell mother myself). He told her immediately that he loves me very much but was busy and he was sorry. He called very soon after and agreed to check in more regularly.

I adore his wife and there is no jealousy between us. She does communicate much more regularly with her parents than he does, even though she confides a lot of stuff to me she can mmm does not talk about with them. On the other hand, my brother is one of the best communicators in my family.

So it may not be always true, but I think you right that sons are often less sensitive than daughters to being considerate to feelings of parents - otherwise where would that cliche come from (a son is a son until he gets a wife but a daughter is a daughter for life) … yet with gentle nudges, they can do better. There are so many other ways, he is a great son by working hard to reach his dreams and being a devoted Husband who chose a kind, intelligent wife. I am so glad we have good relations with his wife and that helps keep us all connected.

If you want to talk to your son, call him. If you are upset with him, tell him. You’re really pitting your kids against each other.

Exactly. She has raised her daughter to think she needs to do the emotional work to make her brother treat her mom better.

This is a side bar from Main topic but Wow we are reading different posts. I read someone who has great relationship with both children and in laws. She regretted telling her DD But it worked out well. What are you creating drama when there was none?

The world wide reality is that there are major gender differences in ways both parents and children care for each other. Scientists cannot agree on how much is biology and how much is socialization.

Read through 5 or 6 posts in the family section of this forum and just look for the sexist assumptions about women's responsibilities.

Why are you people denying sexism is the issue?

This is not the case in my family. I grew up with wonderful parents and a fantastic father. It's dads who need to lead the way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Yes, I believe this is true. Men have less "caring" gene and women have more "bit*h" gene.

Misogyny much? This entire thread in itself is a lesson in sexism.

Which part do you disagree?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Yes, I believe this is true. Men have less "caring" gene and women have more "bit*h" gene.

Misogyny much? This entire thread in itself is a lesson in sexism.

No, my DH is not like that. He is very caring about his parents, more so than SIL I feel.

OP, maybe you should consider moving your mother to a facility near you? You driving 3 hours 2-3x a week must be hard on your own spouse and kids if you have them.

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Yes, I believe this is true. Men have less "caring" gene and women have more "bit*h" gene.

This is not genetic. People still EXPECT women to manage this stuff. Women are judged for any perceived failing of their children or household. It's sexism.

I'm in my 60s and still see this. Kid shows up to school unkempt or missing assignments and everyone will assume it's on mom. House isn't perfect when someone drops by, it's on mom. Look at the endless posts on this site that do the same. Any issue with inlaws - it's caused by the dil.

People are in denial about the amount of sexism that persists.

Anonymous wrote:Your mom raised them this way. You reap what you sow. My brother is the same way.

Wow, look what you did there. In trying to make a “feminist” point about social conditioning, you laid all of the parenting blame…at the feet of only the mother.

Wow.

Let that sink in.

How about ***your parents*** raised them this way. THEY reap what THEY sow. Wow.

Hi OP. You should check the hospital visitor policy. It’s possible your mom is only allowed to have one visitor a day. So if one of your brothers stops by for ten minutes, you may not be able to visit today. You and your brothers should check the policy and decide which day each of you is going to visit if there are limitations. We just went through this with my mom. It’s Covid related (she was not a Covid patient and was Covid negative but they are still limiting visitors).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Maybe but gentle communication helps.

My daughter told my son I was hurt he never calls me (I worked incredibly hard to help him overcome many challenges and enjoy success now and tried to be the best mother I could despite coming from an abusive mentally unwell mother myself). He told her immediately that he loves me very much but was busy and he was sorry. He called very soon after and agreed to check in more regularly.

I adore his wife and there is no jealousy between us. She does communicate much more regularly with her parents than he does, even though she confides a lot of stuff to me she can mmm does not talk about with them. On the other hand, my brother is one of the best communicators in my family.

So it may not be always true, but I think you right that sons are often less sensitive than daughters to being considerate to feelings of parents - otherwise where would that cliche come from (a son is a son until he gets a wife but a daughter is a daughter for life) … yet with gentle nudges, they can do better. There are so many other ways, he is a great son by working hard to reach his dreams and being a devoted Husband who chose a kind, intelligent wife. I am so glad we have good relations with his wife and that helps keep us all connected.

If you want to talk to your son, call him. If you are upset with him, tell him. You’re really pitting your kids against each other.

Exactly. She has raised her daughter to think she needs to do the emotional work to make her brother treat her mom better.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's all socialization. My parents were very co-equal in terms of parenting and domestic tasks, and my dad helps to care for my mom's mother, who is in assisted living near them. My brother lives in the same city as my parents and sees them a few times a year. I live across the country so I don't see them often either, but normally we go out for 9 or 10 days once a year and my parents come visit us 2-3 times for a week each, so I spend a lot more time with them than my brother does. He just doesn't make it a priority.

Yes it is impossible to know what percentage is biology versus socialization. There is no agreement on nature v nurture for explaining gender gap in providing care but we can only do something about the socialization piece.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2017/12/05/on-gender-differences-no-consensus-on-nature-vs-nurture/

Twenty-five years after the release of the bestseller “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” the debate over how and why men and women are different and what that means for their roles in society is far from settled. A new Pew Research Center survey finds that majorities of Americans say men and women are basically different in the way they express their feelings, their physical abilities, their personal interests and their approach to parenting. But there is no public consensus on the origins of these differences. While women who perceive differences generally attribute them to societal expectations, men tend to point to biological differences.


https://www.oecd.org/dev/development-gender/Unpaid_care_work.pdf

Key messages
 Around the world, women spend two to ten times more time on unpaid care work than men.
 This unequal distribution of caring responsibilities is linked to discriminatory social institutions
and stereotypes on gender roles.
 Gender inequality in unpaid care work is the missing link in the analysis of gender gaps in labour outcomes, such as labour force participation, wages and job quality
 Tackling entrenched gender norms and stereotypes is a first step in redistributing responsibilities for care and housework between women and men.

Anonymous wrote:Why is anyone surprised?

Patriarchy.

It's only a small portion of the world's males of THIS young generation who has been taught that they, too, can be successful caregivers. The minuscule portion with equity and gender-conscious parents.

There are always exceptions, of course.

My workaholic, patriarchal, "separate-gender-roles" Japanese father became the main housekeeper, cook and child-raiser when my mother's Multiple Sclerosis became too handicapping. He bought a book on bento and made them from scratch every morning for my school lunch and drove me to school. He cleaned the house to perfection every Sunday morning, sewed my pantomine costumes and coached me in math. He also worked late nights and weekends, to make up for sometimes not showing up to work at the Japanese-approved early morning time.

So. It can be learned despite a very gender-rigid childhood. But under duress.

Wow. Your dad is a wonderful man. Thanks for sharing this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Maybe but gentle communication helps.

My daughter told my son I was hurt he never calls me (I worked incredibly hard to help him overcome many challenges and enjoy success now and tried to be the best mother I could despite coming from an abusive mentally unwell mother myself). He told her immediately that he loves me very much but was busy and he was sorry. He called very soon after and agreed to check in more regularly.

I adore his wife and there is no jealousy between us. She does communicate much more regularly with her parents than he does, even though she confides a lot of stuff to me she can mmm does not talk about with them. On the other hand, my brother is one of the best communicators in my family.

So it may not be always true, but I think you right that sons are often less sensitive than daughters to being considerate to feelings of parents - otherwise where would that cliche come from (a son is a son until he gets a wife but a daughter is a daughter for life) … yet with gentle nudges, they can do better. There are so many other ways, he is a great son by working hard to reach his dreams and being a devoted Husband who chose a kind, intelligent wife. I am so glad we have good relations with his wife and that helps keep us all connected.

If you want to talk to your son, call him. If you are upset with him, tell him. You’re really pitting your kids against each other.

Don’t be so quick to judge honey / I told my daughter in confidence and she told my brother. We got into an argument about it as I did not want to put pressure on him. It worked out well but I try not not to put pressure on my son or DIL as they are both so busy. When we do get together we have wonderful times.

Well, you’re condescending by saying “honey.” If you feel hurt about your son, tell a friend or SO. Do not tell your daughter, who is clearly not trustworthy.

Thank you for your parent8 advice all knowing non patroniz8ng one.