Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 17:31     Subject: Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The only thing he helps out with is their bath time?


He also takes them to the bus stop in the morning (3 houses down and he WFH) but I get them ready before I leave for work.


So you have to get yourself ready and the kids and then commute to work while he sleeps in and can work in his pajamas? Ridiculous. Starting next week you have a very important 7 am meeting twice a week for a new project you’re working on. Leave the house by 6:30 and let him figure it out.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 17:30     Subject: Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He works from home and can't get dinner on before you get back or unload the dishwasher?


Correct


To Op, I'm in a similar situation, but my H doesn't even work anymore and has no plans to ever again (he's not even 40 yet) He says he's a SAHD. He sleeps until at least 11am, won't take kids to school, won't help with chores,etc. He usually does make it to pick kids up from school though, but when I get home from work I have to make dinner and help with homework, laundry, etc. I told him I couldn't deal anymore.

He told me to divorce him, he would get physical custody of kids since he's the sahm parent and I wouldn't be able to afford childcare, and child support from me (which I can't afford to pay) I talked to a lawyer for advice and he told me he was likely mostly correct. I've worked my entire life since 14, built up a 401k, but my husband took a huge loan from it and took out credit cards in my name and ran them up. I have no way of proving I didn't take those cards out.

I'm just so tired and lost, and with 2 young kids, and can't afford divorce. I hate him viscerally at this point, and then he complains about the lack of sex and feeling appreciated by me, but he barely does anything to earn my appreciation.

I'm just so exhausted.

So glad I got my tubes tied during my c section for our surprise 2nd baby.

OP, I feel for you, and others in a similar situation.


You need to talk to another lawyer. He would not get full physical custody. Not by a long shot. He’s an able bodied adult who would be expected to become fully employed. The kids are in school.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 17:22     Subject: Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He works from home and can't get dinner on before you get back or unload the dishwasher?


Correct


To Op, I'm in a similar situation, but my H doesn't even work anymore and has no plans to ever again (he's not even 40 yet) He says he's a SAHD. He sleeps until at least 11am, won't take kids to school, won't help with chores,etc. He usually does make it to pick kids up from school though, but when I get home from work I have to make dinner and help with homework, laundry, etc. I told him I couldn't deal anymore.

He told me to divorce him, he would get physical custody of kids since he's the sahm parent and I wouldn't be able to afford childcare, and child support from me (which I can't afford to pay) I talked to a lawyer for advice and he told me he was likely mostly correct. I've worked my entire life since 14, built up a 401k, but my husband took a huge loan from it and took out credit cards in my name and ran them up. I have no way of proving I didn't take those cards out.

I'm just so tired and lost, and with 2 young kids, and can't afford divorce. I hate him viscerally at this point, and then he complains about the lack of sex and feeling appreciated by me, but he barely does anything to earn my appreciation.

I'm just so exhausted.

So glad I got my tubes tied during my c section for our surprise 2nd baby.

OP, I feel for you, and others in a similar situation.


Divorce. Still better than picking up his slack and having him in the house. He wont get more than 50/50 custody. That doesnt happen anymore much anyway.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 17:16     Subject: Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He works from home and can't get dinner on before you get back or unload the dishwasher?


Correct


To Op, I'm in a similar situation, but my H doesn't even work anymore and has no plans to ever again (he's not even 40 yet) He says he's a SAHD. He sleeps until at least 11am, won't take kids to school, won't help with chores,etc. He usually does make it to pick kids up from school though, but when I get home from work I have to make dinner and help with homework, laundry, etc. I told him I couldn't deal anymore.

He told me to divorce him, he would get physical custody of kids since he's the sahm parent and I wouldn't be able to afford childcare, and child support from me (which I can't afford to pay) I talked to a lawyer for advice and he told me he was likely mostly correct. I've worked my entire life since 14, built up a 401k, but my husband took a huge loan from it and took out credit cards in my name and ran them up. I have no way of proving I didn't take those cards out.

I'm just so tired and lost, and with 2 young kids, and can't afford divorce. I hate him viscerally at this point, and then he complains about the lack of sex and feeling appreciated by me, but he barely does anything to earn my appreciation.

I'm just so exhausted.

So glad I got my tubes tied during my c section for our surprise 2nd baby.

OP, I feel for you, and others in a similar situation.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 16:36     Subject: Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
Maybe get this book and sit down with spouse to decide who’s taking which “cards.” My friend was in a similar situation and just went through this with her spouse. It’s made a huge difference.

https://www.fairplaylife.com/
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 16:35     Subject: Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you ask him to wake up with the kids, to figure out dinner that night, to take the kids to an appointment, etc.?


He claims to not hear them wake up. If I didn’t cook dinner, he’d get takeout, he definitely wouldn’t cook. Or like I could never ask him to start dinner except maybe I could convince him to preheat the oven for me or pull something out to thaw. I could tell him to take them to an appointment or an activity occasionally, but probably could not rely on him for regular help, particularly if it required him to alter the schedule of his work day (which my DD’s dance definitely does). But 3 days on Tuesday our busiest activity night, I asked him to empty the dishwasher and trash and also put away a shipment of toilet paper we’d gotten days prior. I can home and none of it was done. In fact none of it is still done (though I caved and emptied the trash because it was so full.


Sorry I’m the poster above I didn’t see this when I posted.

So you hear them get up, and you get up? Why don’t you just roll over and shake him awake? Or do you not sleep in the same bed?


I do get up. When I force him to wake up, he has them climb into bed with us and then falls back asleep. Then I get annoyed/can’t go back to sleep so I just get up. So I maybe wouldn’t even mind getting up before him as I’m more a morning person if A) I wasn’t solo parenting for an additional 3-4 hours in the morning or B) there were trade offs for me to be the one to do this.

And I don’t know how we go here either. Just little by little he started doing less so I started doing more. Weirdly, him WFH has made it worse.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 16:33     Subject: Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
So what does he care about? And other than another paycheck, what value is he bringing to this relationship?
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 16:30     Subject: Re:Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
What you allow is what will continue. That’s all there is to it.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 16:24     Subject: Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you ask him to wake up with the kids, to figure out dinner that night, to take the kids to an appointment, etc.?


He claims to not hear them wake up. If I didn’t cook dinner, he’d get takeout, he definitely wouldn’t cook. Or like I could never ask him to start dinner except maybe I could convince him to preheat the oven for me or pull something out to thaw. I could tell him to take them to an appointment or an activity occasionally, but probably could not rely on him for regular help, particularly if it required him to alter the schedule of his work day (which my DD’s dance definitely does). But 3 days on Tuesday our busiest activity night, I asked him to empty the dishwasher and trash and also put away a shipment of toilet paper we’d gotten days prior. I can home and none of it was done. In fact none of it is still done (though I caved and emptied the trash because it was so full.


Sorry I’m the poster above I didn’t see this when I posted.

So you hear them get up, and you get up? Why don’t you just roll over and shake him awake? Or do you not sleep in the same bed?
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 16:23     Subject: Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you ask him to wake up with the kids, to figure out dinner that night, to take the kids to an appointment, etc.?


+1

I’m not trying to be be mean, OP, it sounds like you’re in a terrible spot and he’s a terrible guy. But I honestly don’t understand how this happens. I mean, as soon as I weaned my eldest, literally the next weekend, it was, “okay, we should each get a day to sleep in, which one do you want?” And so it has been, for years now.

So - you say that, and what happens? He says no? He says yes and doesn’t actually get up? I can’t imagine how that conversation goes that actually ends in “no” and if he had agreed to get up when we talked the night before, I just… wouldn’t get out of bed? If the kid is crying, and he isn’t waking up, I’m going to kick him until he does. I honestly cannot fathom how you got here.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 16:20     Subject: Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you ask him to wake up with the kids, to figure out dinner that night, to take the kids to an appointment, etc.?


He claims to not hear them wake up. If I didn’t cook dinner, he’d get takeout, he definitely wouldn’t cook. Or like I could never ask him to start dinner except maybe I could convince him to preheat the oven for me or pull something out to thaw. I could tell him to take them to an appointment or an activity occasionally, but probably could not rely on him for regular help, particularly if it required him to alter the schedule of his work day (which my DD’s dance definitely does). But 3 days on Tuesday our busiest activity night, I asked him to empty the dishwasher and trash and also put away a shipment of toilet paper we’d gotten days prior. I can home and none of it was done. In fact none of it is still done (though I caved and emptied the trash because it was so full.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 14:40     Subject: Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
What does he say when you ask him to wake up with the kids, to figure out dinner that night, to take the kids to an appointment, etc.?
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 14:30     Subject: Re:Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If he's that lazy, he might not even want the kids half of the time in a divorce. He'll be that dad who never shows up for his time with the kids. I'm a single mom who does everything and I wouldn't be able to stand having a lazy man around the house like that. But just be careful. Nobody can force a parent to parent.


Np. That’s what I think…what if he wants no custody? Is that a thing?


Then he pays more in child support, which op can use to hire some help to get relief. Unfortunately the more likely scenario is that he takes the kids part time but does the bare minimum when they’re in his care- lets them fend for themselves/eat junk food and watch tv all morning, blows off extracurriculars and doesn’t enforce homework or other requirements.


Actually he'll just rope in some unsuspecting stepmom who will do it all for him.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 14:25     Subject: Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
So he’s useless at home and you’re not having sex? Divorce, seriously.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2021 14:23     Subject: Re:Husband never gets up with kids in the morning
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If he's that lazy, he might not even want the kids half of the time in a divorce. He'll be that dad who never shows up for his time with the kids. I'm a single mom who does everything and I wouldn't be able to stand having a lazy man around the house like that. But just be careful. Nobody can force a parent to parent.


Np. That’s what I think…what if he wants no custody? Is that a thing?


Then he pays more in child support, which op can use to hire some help to get relief. Unfortunately the more likely scenario is that he takes the kids part time but does the bare minimum when they’re in his care- lets them fend for themselves/eat junk food and watch tv all morning, blows off extracurriculars and doesn’t enforce homework or other requirements.