You aren’t going to be able to stop the grumbling. You need to realize that - you can’t control others, only your reaction to others.

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by all you people suggesting hotel.

OP raised no other issues with the ILs. Apparently the stay is fine. What happens is that there is not as much food as they want, and likely the stray comment once or twice a day. OP seems to have found a workaround that feeds her family.

Doesn't every family have some aspects that you don't like? My dad picks at his toenails and I can't stand it. My mom frequently complains about something. My MIL makes lots of remarks that either intentionally or unintentionally compare my DH to my BIL. It is all annoying. But do we really expect perfection from anyone, much less family?

I agree with this. It’s ok to be assertive - just eat what you want when you want. My MIL served me three shrimp and a 1/4 of rice once for dinner when I was breastfeeding! But when she comes over to my house she eats all of what I cook and tells me I’m a genius chef. So it evens out.

NP here who is still blamed by ILs for starting a domino effect of people not staying with them anymore because of their refusal to stock their house with food, allow others to bring their own food, or watch people go out to eat without endless commentary and criticism.

Once I was pregnant and was derided for feeding myself during a visit, I decided I wouldn’t bring my child into that environment, ever. So we stay in a hotel. Once we made the move, DH’s brother and sister and their families always now stay in hotel. Sorry, MIL/FIL, no grandkids at your house because you couldn’t let go of your food obsession and be decent hosts.

I hope all the other cultures are taking note of why "americans so easily cut off family" -- at least you guys are getting fed!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s a semi-rural location, but we can go to a diner (and have) when they pull antics like not serving lunch. At the end of the day, DH and I do what we need to do to feed ourselves and our kids, and of course we always clean up after ourselves. We don’t mindlessly snack, but if the kids are hungry, we give them a string cheese and ignore the glares.

I guess we just have to either keep dealing with the glares and comments, or yes, hotel. (I can’t imagine getting an Air BnB in this rural NJ/PA location.) The hotel is like 20 minutes away, but maybe worth it. I think I’ll ask DH what he thinks of telling them, “Unless you promise not to make food a big deal, we’re going to stay in a hotel. Which do you prefer?”

Why give them a choice? Just inform them that you’ll be staying separately.

+1. Just tell them you are staying at a hotel. Have a large breakfast out before you come to their house everyday. If you have to stay with them, I would have a "snack" bag--that you keep control of--and ignore the comments about food. My husband's aunt is a "close the kitchen" type serving very small portions and allowing no snacks. We've tried to bring baskets of fruit/cheese/nuts to snack on throughout the day. Once you give food to them, it becomes theirs and it put away with everything else. Not to mention, they complain that they have too much food and it will now go to waste. Keep control of any food you bring in, it is yours, not your parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by all you people suggesting hotel.

OP raised no other issues with the ILs. Apparently the stay is fine. What happens is that there is not as much food as they want, and likely the stray comment once or twice a day. OP seems to have found a workaround that feeds her family.

Doesn't every family have some aspects that you don't like? My dad picks at his toenails and I can't stand it. My mom frequently complains about something. My MIL makes lots of remarks that either intentionally or unintentionally compare my DH to my BIL. It is all annoying. But do we really expect perfection from anyone, much less family?

I think if you haven't dealt with this form of mental illness you don't get it.

Denying someone a basic need like food, and verbally abusing them for having basic needs, isn't the same as an annoying habit.

I grew up with a parent like this. I lived in a house that recently sold for $1.4 million, and went to school at a pricy private school where my parents paid full tuition, and bed hungry every day of my childhood. A huge part of my childhood was figuring out how I could either earn money (babysitting, dog walking, etc . . . by the time I was 9), or get invited to someone's house who had snacks.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that growing up, sincerely.

But that is not what OP describes. Nobody is "denied" food and everybody eats. And OP described the comments as "grumbling." That is not verbal abuse.

Criticizing a child for eating lunch is verbal abuse. OP is just acclimated to it and so isn't describing it that way.

You are projecting. The bolded may be true. Another thing that may be true is that they are old people who don't eat a lot, have a disordered attitude toward food and are anxious about messes and disruption in their house. So they don't provide as much food as they should and get stare and question the two times a day the OP provides additional food.

And she never said that any of the comments were directed at the kids or were critical of the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by all you people suggesting hotel.

OP raised no other issues with the ILs. Apparently the stay is fine. What happens is that there is not as much food as they want, and likely the stray comment once or twice a day. OP seems to have found a workaround that feeds her family.

Doesn't every family have some aspects that you don't like? My dad picks at his toenails and I can't stand it. My mom frequently complains about something. My MIL makes lots of remarks that either intentionally or unintentionally compare my DH to my BIL. It is all annoying. But do we really expect perfection from anyone, much less family?

I think if you haven't dealt with this form of mental illness you don't get it.

Denying someone a basic need like food, and verbally abusing them for having basic needs, isn't the same as an annoying habit.

I grew up with a parent like this. I lived in a house that recently sold for $1.4 million, and went to school at a pricy private school where my parents paid full tuition, and bed hungry every day of my childhood. A huge part of my childhood was figuring out how I could either earn money (babysitting, dog walking, etc . . . by the time I was 9), or get invited to someone's house who had snacks.

That sounds really terrible, PP, and different from the usual DCUM scenario where the controlling behavior around food starts with advancing age. Did you end up having a relationship with this parent as an adult?

I'm also the PP whose kids need to swim every day. My mom's behavior has definitely gotten worse as she's gotten older, because as her calorie needs have naturally declined she's continued to reset what she thinks a kid would need. We had lunch, for example, I also think that in her mind she fed her kids X amount and we still all ended up with some degree of weight struggles, so clearly kids need less, when in reality because we were all food seeking, and what we had access to wasn't particularly healthy we were eating more calories than she was aware of.

Of the 3 kids in my family, two of us have relationships as adults that are very structured, and one has no relationship. The two of us who have a relationship recognize this as mental illness, which provides a little more compassion. The other also has severe mental illness, although it presents differently.

Anonymous wrote:What is DH’s take on why they act this way and what were his coping mechanisms growing up?

NP here. MIL is like this, too. A tiny chicken will be for 16+ people, then when there are no "seconds" (not really seconds, just that no one had enough, to begin with, including the grown men) - then MIL insists "WELL, that must have been a GREAT dinner! There is nothing LEFT! And I thought I made enough for an army!" All this proclamation with a straight face. Some people have food and control issues, that are tied to their anxiety/ies. In MIL's case, there were always too many kids in her family growing up, and not enough food during the depression, and the kids were nothing but a drain on the family and the nothing (literally, nothing) they had.

Additionally MIL will ALWAYS wait when the BILs are late for dinner - no one can eat, even if we have to wait literally hours for them to join us. But if her own son is late for dinner, there will be nothing left by the time we get there, and we have to explain to the kids why we are going to the McDonald's drive through on Christmas. MIL is =messed up, for sure.

Perfect example of grown people carrying their untreated child hood traumas with them for life.

OP, I feel you. Do what you have to do, and tell them, don't ask them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by all you people suggesting hotel.

OP raised no other issues with the ILs. Apparently the stay is fine. What happens is that there is not as much food as they want, and likely the stray comment once or twice a day. OP seems to have found a workaround that feeds her family.

Doesn't every family have some aspects that you don't like? My dad picks at his toenails and I can't stand it. My mom frequently complains about something. My MIL makes lots of remarks that either intentionally or unintentionally compare my DH to my BIL. It is all annoying. But do we really expect perfection from anyone, much less family?

I think if you haven't dealt with this form of mental illness you don't get it.

Denying someone a basic need like food, and verbally abusing them for having basic needs, isn't the same as an annoying habit.

I grew up with a parent like this. I lived in a house that recently sold for $1.4 million, and went to school at a pricy private school where my parents paid full tuition, and bed hungry every day of my childhood. A huge part of my childhood was figuring out how I could either earn money (babysitting, dog walking, etc . . . by the time I was 9), or get invited to someone's house who had snacks.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that growing up, sincerely.

But that is not what OP describes. Nobody is "denied" food and everybody eats. And OP described the comments as "grumbling." That is not verbal abuse.

Criticizing a child for eating lunch is verbal abuse. OP is just acclimated to it and so isn't describing it that way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by all you people suggesting hotel.

OP raised no other issues with the ILs. Apparently the stay is fine. What happens is that there is not as much food as they want, and likely the stray comment once or twice a day. OP seems to have found a workaround that feeds her family.

Doesn't every family have some aspects that you don't like? My dad picks at his toenails and I can't stand it. My mom frequently complains about something. My MIL makes lots of remarks that either intentionally or unintentionally compare my DH to my BIL. It is all annoying. But do we really expect perfection from anyone, much less family?

I think if you haven't dealt with this form of mental illness you don't get it.

Denying someone a basic need like food, and verbally abusing them for having basic needs, isn't the same as an annoying habit.

I grew up with a parent like this. I lived in a house that recently sold for $1.4 million, and went to school at a pricy private school where my parents paid full tuition, and bed hungry every day of my childhood. A huge part of my childhood was figuring out how I could either earn money (babysitting, dog walking, etc . . . by the time I was 9), or get invited to someone's house who had snacks.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that growing up, sincerely.

But that is not what OP describes. Nobody is "denied" food and everybody eats. And OP described the comments as "grumbling." That is not verbal abuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by all you people suggesting hotel.

OP raised no other issues with the ILs. Apparently the stay is fine. What happens is that there is not as much food as they want, and likely the stray comment once or twice a day. OP seems to have found a workaround that feeds her family.

Doesn't every family have some aspects that you don't like? My dad picks at his toenails and I can't stand it. My mom frequently complains about something. My MIL makes lots of remarks that either intentionally or unintentionally compare my DH to my BIL. It is all annoying. But do we really expect perfection from anyone, much less family?

I think if you haven't dealt with this form of mental illness you don't get it.

Denying someone a basic need like food, and verbally abusing them for having basic needs, isn't the same as an annoying habit.

I grew up with a parent like this. I lived in a house that recently sold for $1.4 million, and went to school at a pricy private school where my parents paid full tuition, and bed hungry every day of my childhood. A huge part of my childhood was figuring out how I could either earn money (babysitting, dog walking, etc . . . by the time I was 9), or get invited to someone's house who had snacks.

That sounds really terrible, PP, and different from the usual DCUM scenario where the controlling behavior around food starts with advancing age. Did you end up having a relationship with this parent as an adult?

What is DH’s take on why they act this way and what were his coping mechanisms growing up?

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by all you people suggesting hotel.

OP raised no other issues with the ILs. Apparently the stay is fine. What happens is that there is not as much food as they want, and likely the stray comment once or twice a day. OP seems to have found a workaround that feeds her family.

Doesn't every family have some aspects that you don't like? My dad picks at his toenails and I can't stand it. My mom frequently complains about something. My MIL makes lots of remarks that either intentionally or unintentionally compare my DH to my BIL. It is all annoying. But do we really expect perfection from anyone, much less family?

I think if you haven't dealt with this form of mental illness you don't get it.

Denying someone a basic need like food, and verbally abusing them for having basic needs, isn't the same as an annoying habit.

I grew up with a parent like this. I lived in a house that recently sold for $1.4 million, and went to school at a pricy private school where my parents paid full tuition, and bed hungry every day of my childhood. A huge part of my childhood was figuring out how I could either earn money (babysitting, dog walking, etc . . . by the time I was 9), or get invited to someone's house who had snacks.

I'm in this situation, and our solution is that we stay in a hotel with a pool and onsite breakfast. We wake up, eat at the hotel, drive to my mom's and have "breakfast" with her, something the size of what my kid consider a snack (half an english muffin with jam, or a sliced apple to share). Then we spend some time together for a few hours, and then I tell her I'm taking the kids back to "swim and nap". She approves of them exercising to burn of all those calories (in the half apple). We find a restaurant or take a picnic to a playground, and then come back for dinner. We stop for ice cream on the way back to the hotel after dinner, or I'll have a treat waiting for them in the car. My kids know that when you visit Grandma you get dessert every night (not our norm).

When we've tried to be flexible, she has tried but she just doesn't get what we actually need. One time when my kids were pretty small I insisted on lunch. She was like "well but it will be a mess, who will clean it up" an I assured her I would. My older kid, who was 5, finished and needed the bathroom, so I told him to put his cup and plate in the sink and go, and was wiping my younger kids' hands and getting him out of his booster seat when my mom came in and was like "I can't believe you promised to clean up and there's a mess in my kitchen". The "mess" was the one child sized plate and cup that were in the sink for the 5 minutes between the time one kid finished eating and the other.

Based on my experience, I wouldn't tie the hotel thing to food in any way. I'd simply say "we've decided to do this".

I'm confused by all you people suggesting hotel.

OP raised no other issues with the ILs. Apparently the stay is fine. What happens is that there is not as much food as they want, and likely the stray comment once or twice a day. OP seems to have found a workaround that feeds her family.

Doesn't every family have some aspects that you don't like? My dad picks at his toenails and I can't stand it. My mom frequently complains about something. My MIL makes lots of remarks that either intentionally or unintentionally compare my DH to my BIL. It is all annoying. But do we really expect perfection from anyone, much less family?