Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses in here are nauseating.

Can you please share on why?

They are either in a shitty marriage or are generally incapable of secure attachment.

What do you consider to be secure attachment and please share an example of secure attachment from your own relationship? Considering other's marriage shitty is a bit judgmental don't you think?

Only in the most negative sense is my now ex spouse the foundational person in my life. The trauma and abuse I experienced derailed my life, and in that sense he was foundational. My future life will now be built on a foundation of recovery from that trauma and the consequences of his abuse. Wish I had not been raised with the idea that marriage is about falling in love and finding the “one”.

I will teach my kids very differently - love is a spark that can be nurtured or extinguished. Be very aware of the type of person you nurture that spark with. For long term stable happy marriage you need to be in love AND with a person without active addictions, personality disorder, untreated mental illness and who is mature, independent, nurturing, responsible and honest. When you get involved with someone, watch their behavior closely over an extended period of time and be willing to draw firm boundaries and exit without hesitation upon negative behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses in here are nauseating.

Can you please share on why?

They are either in a shitty marriage or are generally incapable of secure attachment.

Can you cite a specific one??

I feel like this was written by somebody who has read a few articles on attachment and is a downer of a person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses in here are nauseating.

Can you please share on why?

They are either in a shitty marriage or are generally incapable of secure attachment.

Can you cite a specific one??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses in here are nauseating.

Can you please share on why?

They are either in a shitty marriage or are generally incapable of secure attachment.

Anonymous wrote:The responses in here are nauseating.

Can you please share on why?

Yes, absolutely. Spouse is the person I am building a life with: we created wonderful kids we are raising to adulthood in a warm and happy home. We support each other emotionally, logistically and financially. Share fears, hopes and plans for our future. We know each other to the core and can communicate a joke with a raised eyebrow or certain inflection in tone. We know all each other's best stories over 20 some years.

My spouse is foundational and central to my life.

Anonymous wrote:My spouse, who passed recently, was such an important and wonderful part of my life. I’m lost without them in my life.

So very sorry for your loss. Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am not sure of the definition, but we met when I was 26 and my adult self was formed. My college boyfriend was my foundational relationship, but that clearly didn't last forever. He is the one with whom I formed an understanding of what I wanted out of life.

That said, my husband is very important to me as is the life we built/are making together.

Really? I met and married my husband in my mid-late 20s but I'd still say my adult self wasn't (and still isn't) fully formed. I'm still trying to be a better person. A lot of what I learned from my family has been added to, and has really evolved. My husband has definitely helped shape me. Some ways - I like. Otherways - I need to fight against. I'm certainly not thinking he is a 100% good influence on me. But he certainly is a mostly good influence on me. Our upbringings were similar in many ways (similar economic bracket, I think) but very different in other ways (society vs. non-society, region of the country, norms of society in those areas). So his perspective on things can be very different than mine.

I still find that I am growing and making decisions about who I want to be, and relooking at who I am as a person. So, yes, his influence (and my kids influence, TBH) has been foundational.

Really. Personality is formed by about 6 and after mid 20s you keep learning, but you aren’t building your brain in the same way you are before 25 ish or so. Think rental cars- they charge more under 25 because the brain is more impulsive/building in a different way. Of course you continue living and growing, but I don’t think I would really be all that different without my husband at this point in my life. Things would be, my children would be different, but I’m not sure I would be radically different. My college boyfriend did have a bigger impact upon my brain in that sense. We were together after moving out of our parent’s houses for the first time, and while choosing majors and careers. I’m no longer making those decisions and my husband didn’t impact them, so I’m not sure he helped “build” my foundational adult being.
No one isn’t growing or making decisions about who they want to be, but yes psychology and brain structure differences have a role in our emotional and developmental lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses in here are nauseating.

You knew what you were in for. True love exists, even though people usually don’t want to hear about somebody else’s experience with it.

Meh! I truly love my spouse, but I agree with pp the responses in this thread are nauseating and sound like they were written by middle school girls.

No one is defining this the same. It’s like some bad AP English lit question…..

Most people meet their spouse later in life so it’s take a tragic event or very positive (or negative) things to alter one’s foundation…. I suppose you could build a new foundation, like for your kids…

I'm not sure I completely understand the question, but I think of a foundation as something that, if removed, causes a collapse. In that case, no, I don't consider my spouse "foundational." Things won't collapse around me if I'm on my own.

Anonymous wrote:The responses in here are nauseating.

You knew what you were in for. True love exists, even though people usually don’t want to hear about somebody else’s experience with it.

Absolutely, and while we both would step in front of a bus/take a bullet for our child, we put our marriage even above her.

Could you explain the question?