Anonymous wrote:Why are people such jerks? Stop piling on OP as not being "alone". She feels that way and her feelings are valid.

God, some of you are such miserable, nasty people.

+1

Value of their perspectives is undermined by Self righteous platitudes without any practical tips for achieving demands to relax and enjoy.

OP it is fine to mourn lack of extended family and hopefully you can create lots of traditions and special holidays for your nuclear family …there were some good posts earlier with tips for doing fun holiday season stuff earlier I hope you saw …

Season’s sparkles

OP needs to change her perspective. Growing up, my family of 5 spent every holiday with 'just us.' It was nice and I never felt like we were all alone. My mom was a nurse and didn't have many days off. Now I'm doing the same thing with my family of 5 and have never questioned it as being sad or lonely.

OP's description of her holiday as being just another day, but with fancier take out, is a little sad though. I think if she wants to surround herself with people she should take the advice of others in this thread and go to a resort to celebrate with a crowd, lots of activities, and things to do. It won't be the big family dinner she wants to recreate from movies, but would still be fun.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people such jerks? Stop piling on OP as not being "alone". She feels that way and her feelings are valid.

God, some of you are such miserable, nasty people.

She is, quite objectively, not alone.

+1

I see it from both sides. DH and I both come from troubled backgrounds and we don’t have good memories of holidays with our nuclear families. We live really far away from any relatives and we have one child, so we spend all of our holidays at home, just the three of us. It was really hard when our DC was little. It’s better now because we have a rowdy ES student who loves all the traditions we have been doing since he was little. Creating traditions doesn’t happen overnight. It felt like work,honestly, for the first 5-6 years and now it’s so much better.

During the holidays we are deluged with images of big families with Hallmark holidays and it feels shaming and isolating when you don’t have that. I think for many of us it triggers feelings that we’d prefer to have left behind from our youth. Bizarrely it felt better to me the last 2 years because we finally were just like everyone else, staying home for the holidays due to COVID.

We have often wanted to pair up with another small family or invite single people to celebrate with us. Goodness knows I’ve read that advice 1000 times. I think it’s harder to do than many people realize. We’ve had people to invite only once or twice.

Some practical tips for OP - I always have music or holiday shows on in the background. Keeps that depressing silence at bay. As others have said, LOTS of planned activities to keep you busy. We make our pets a part of the celebration. They get small gifts and a special treat on each holiday. We spend at least one day cooking for a homeless shelter near our house or doing other charitable works. We talk a lot, with purpose, to our DC about how lucky we are.

I’m sorry, OP, this is hard. But there is truth in the remark that perspective is so important. I hope you enjoys the upcoming holidays.

Anonymous wrote:Why are people such jerks? Stop piling on OP as not being "alone". She feels that way and her feelings are valid.

God, some of you are such miserable, nasty people.

She is, quite objectively, not alone.

Anonymous wrote:Why are people such jerks? Stop piling on OP as not being "alone". She feels that way and her feelings are valid.

God, some of you are such miserable, nasty people.

It’s not piling on, it’s encouraging her to view this as a glass half full, rather than glass half empty, way.

Anonymous wrote:Why are people such jerks? Stop piling on OP as not being "alone". She feels that way and her feelings are valid.

God, some of you are such miserable, nasty people.

I disagree. Sometimes perspective is a really important thing, and yes, while OP *feels* alone, feelings aren’t facts. OP is unhappy because she is unable to see what she has, instead of focusing on what she doesn’t have.

I left home at 17, and spent many, many holidays completely alone, without any of the trimmings because I couldn’t afford them. I used that money to put myself through nursing school, and I used to volunteer at the hospital on holidays because they always had a hard time filling those shifts. I learned then that even I, at my darkest, had no idea what loneliness really was compared to some of the people that graced the doors of the emergency room those days.

OP a is choosing a fantasy of what she thinks happiness is, vs. The real happiness of feeling gratitude for what she actually has, which is a family of 4 who can afford take out and all the trimmings. It sounds like she has friends and people in her life, other than the few days they are busy, including distant parents.

The reality is, until OP against some perspective and gratitude, she won’t be happy with what she has.

Why are people such jerks? Stop piling on OP as not being "alone". She feels that way and her feelings are valid.

God, some of you are such miserable, nasty people.

Anonymous wrote:My little family (me, DH, two kids) spend every holiday alone due to family distance and dysfunctional family (lots of estrangement issues on DH's side).

I find this time of year (November and December) to be the hardest months of the year to get through. All the family holidays, everyone has amazing plans with family, and we always spend all three holidays just the 4 of us.

What can I do to make holidays feel more festive and special, when it's always just the four of us? We already go all out on decorating and the food (we order nice holiday meals from a restaurant and do take-out) since I don't like to cook.

We are new to the area and don't have close friends yet that we could celebrate with. Thanks!

We moved to NE when I was five. We were from the midwest and had no close by family. My parents found a few other families in our town in the same boat and we ended up celebrating most of the holidays with them until we were all grown up and flown.

Anonymous wrote:Getting takeout is kind of sad. How can a grown adult not like to cook. Do you also not like to do dishes or laundry? Actually cooking your own meals would be a fun tradition.

I’m a grown adult and hate to cook. I have a tiny, poorly laid out kitchen with two tiny counters each one square foot, separated by the sink. No dishwasher. I have terrible fine motor skills so severe they are a learning disability, so cutting up food takes a long time and never comes out right. I have rent control and can’t move. I don’t have space in the kitchen to prop up a recipe, so it’s running back and forth to read it in the living room and going back to the kitchen. Last time I made a new recipe I was sweating and cried twice. It took me an hour to cook and ten minutes to eat and then almost a half hour to clean up. So much easier to just get takeout.

OP here. Yes, I do not like to cook. Why is that hard to understand? My husband does most of the cooking and when I cook I cook simple things. So a restaurant take-out meal (traditional Thanksgiving meal) sounds like a great idea. We might make a few side dishes to go along with it.

I have a hard time letting go of the idea of the big, loving, supportive family holiday gatherings, where cousins, aunts and uncles are all there, along with the grandparents. I have never had that, even when I was growing up. I grew up without any local family either, and I thought it was lonely, even when I was a child. Due to various reasons including distance and dysfunctionality, and also the fact that the in-laws do not celebrate any holiday and don't want to join us, we have never had that and will never had the big family holiday gatherings. It makes me incredibly sad.

We've tried to create a family of choice but this is very challenging. Everyone already has their friends/family already. Everyone I meet here already has at least one set of relatives/grandparents here and they spend holidays with them. We are the only ones in our social circle who doesn't see family for holidays (again due to distance first of all but also dynfuctionality and disinterested relatives).

While it's fine to spend the occasional holiday alone with just our little family, we spend every holiday alone (and have for the last 15 years). I am in therapy over this issue, but it's hard to accept that we're very much on our own with no family support on either side, not just at holiday time but all the time.

Anonymous wrote:Getting takeout is kind of sad. How can a grown adult not like to cook. Do you also not like to do dishes or laundry? Actually cooking your own meals would be a fun tradition.

Oh, maybe this is why her family doesn't come to her place for holidays. No food.

OP, maybe cook a turkey this year. Buy a big 18 lb one at TJ (pre-brined fresh not frozen). Buy foil tray with handles, turkey bags, and cornstarch for gravey at Safeway. You can do stovetop stuffing, get 2 boxes. Boil 3 lb bag white potatoes and use hand held masher old fashioned way, add milk and butter. you can do this. Just start very early, like start to get turkey ready at 10am.

Getting takeout is kind of sad. How can a grown adult not like to cook. Do you also not like to do dishes or laundry? Actually cooking your own meals would be a fun tradition.

You’re not alone! You have a spouse and kids! I spend all holidays alone. I live alone and am not invited anywhere.

Can you ask your parents to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with you and their grandchildren next year? I'm surprised they don't ask to come.