Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Because she put what's best for her kids above her own self interests. "

It is in the best interests of the kids to continue having a relationship with their father. It is not healthy for the kids to believe if you screw up you will forever disowned by your family.

He has been not been disowned. We just don't want his mistress around and neither do his kids.

She’s his girlfriend now. Get over it already. It wasn’t your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:I think you are out of line.

+1

Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Because she put what's best for her kids above her own self interests. "

It is in the best interests of the kids to continue having a relationship with their father. It is not healthy for the kids to believe if you screw up you will forever disowned by your family.

He has been not been disowned. We just don't want his mistress around and neither do his kids.

Yeah, you're going to have to be more intelligent than that. You're being very short-sighted right now.

The larger point here is that you don't need to pick a side. You DO need to act like a mature adult and stop pouring oil on the flames like some teen mean girl. Goodness.

You can accept your brother and his girlfriend, AND you can continue to support your ex-SIL and their children. Perhaps at some point, they will be in the same room together, for a memorial (your parents won't live for ever), or for a graduation or wedding.

You don't want to actively destroy what could be a neutral or even positive co-parenting relationship down the line, OP. It's very damaging to your ex-SIL and brother that you have decided that having a relationship with one side excludes having one with the other. Grow up.

Anonymous wrote:"Because she put what's best for her kids above her own self interests. "

It is in the best interests of the kids to continue having a relationship with their father. It is not healthy for the kids to believe if you screw up you will forever disowned by your family.

He has been not been disowned. We just don't want his mistress around and neither do his kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

Well when it is your niece’s mom, she kind of is, right? Not like a brother but she isn’t nothing to OP’s family.

Yeah, DP, but I still consider my brother's ex wife to be my sister in law. We are close. And she's been amazing letting my mom and I spend time with our niece and nephew. Because she put what's best for her kids above her own self interests. Which likely would have been to ditch my mom and I when my brother went nuts. She definitely was the mature one all around.

The cheater is the one that broke the vows, but chance are there were issues. When people actually leave for the AP, there were issues in the marriage. Not a matter of just getting some sex on the side, but relationship issues.

OP you've gone to far. If you want to maintain a relationship with your brother you need to accept his GF. You don't have to like her or be her best friend but you need to be civil and that includes inviting her to events. I would be cautious about picking the ex-SIL over your brother. She's not your family and will eventually move on. Some day she will have a new man in her life who will not be excited about her hanging around with her ex-husband's family.

Anonymous wrote:I think you are out of line.

+1

It wasn’t your marriage.

You are unreasonable and unfair, because you moved the goalposts here. First you said you wouldn't meet the girlfriend before the divorce, and now you're saying you won't even meet her after the divorce. What are you going to say next? How long is this going to continue?

If I were your brother or his girlfriend, I wouldn't want to come anyway, so this entire thing would be completely moot. But you can only operate on your own behavior, and your behavior is not rational.

I second others who point out that most of the fault lies with your brother, and less with this person. We know blood is thicker than water, but still.

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

My story is very similar. It's a little sad for DH and our kids. I'm a nice person from a nice family, and my family welcomed DH and his kids with open arms, so now it's almost like their my extended family is our only family. I can't take the lead in helping DH reconnect with his family because to him that would be a betrayal. I hope he works through all the hard feelings because he is a good man, a loving and supportive father to both sets of kids, and he's a good son to his parents, who is financially supports and did even when they and his siblings were at their ugliest to him. He and his ex wife were both unhappy in his first marriage for a long time before it imploded, but his ex wife made it her personal mission to make sure all their former friends, their children and his own family of origin blamed him.

"Because she put what's best for her kids above her own self interests. "

It is in the best interests of the kids to continue having a relationship with their father. It is not healthy for the kids to believe if you screw up you will forever disowned by your family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

Well when it is your niece’s mom, she kind of is, right? Not like a brother but she isn’t nothing to OP’s family.

Yeah, DP, but I still consider my brother's ex wife to be my sister in law. We are close. And she's been amazing letting my mom and I spend time with our niece and nephew. Because she put what's best for her kids above her own self interests. Which likely would have been to ditch my mom and I when my brother went nuts. She definitely was the mature one all around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

Well when it is your niece’s mom, she kind of is, right? Not like a brother but she isn’t nothing to OP’s family.

No, she isn’t. She will move on and date and probably remarry. She will eventually only see exILs when kids get married.

OP, why do you feel like you need to carry your former SIL's grudge? That's a heavy load and it is not yours to carry. Are you nervous your own DH will do this to you and you want to use your brother to make a point? Just a thought - not trying to offend. Let it go and love the family you've got.