You guys do not seem compatible. Period.

I really hated the heirloom diamond engagement ring from my first marriage and wanted a non-diamond one instead. However, it’s what I got. When dating my now-DH, he bought a non-diamond ring and then he borrowed it back from me had diamonds added and that’s my engagement ring. I would have been fine with no ring.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like other pps I initially responded thinking he could afford a ring or that you were happy with something simple and inexpensive but that he was refusing on the basis of it being silly and superficial.

He should not be purchasing anything he can not afford right now. You should not be insisting he do that.

As I said, he will definitely make a lot more money quite soon (it’s contracted), does spend on other things he wants, and has not said anything about a small ring now with a future upgrade.

Is he currently overspending on unnecessary items? If so, this is a whole different red flag. Have you spoken to him about wanting a ring once he can afford it or are you assuming he won’t because he hasn’t brought it up?

I wouldn’t dare bring it up bc it seems so rude. But he has not hinted at anything like this, and I can tell he thinks it is all stupid and meaningless even though it is very meaningful to me.

The bigger red flag is that you're afraid to talk to him about this. Talking about uncomfortable things is part of marriage, and it's a good skill to have. I get it. It seems rude, and many men aren't into the whole ring thing. But waiting around for hints will make you miserable.

You need to have a discussion on what your engagement will look like. What is his vision? Does he want to set a wedding date for the near future? Or does he just think you'll fall into marriage "one day"? How does it align with your vision, and how can you make both of you happy? Come with options for him for a ring. Show him rings you like in multiple different budgets. Mention buying a small ring now, and upgrading in 5-10 years.

Trust me on this. I was afraid to say anything, and I was anxious and miserable when a ring/proposal never came. I had to actually verbalize what I wanted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like other pps I initially responded thinking he could afford a ring or that you were happy with something simple and inexpensive but that he was refusing on the basis of it being silly and superficial.

He should not be purchasing anything he can not afford right now. You should not be insisting he do that.

As I said, he will definitely make a lot more money quite soon (it’s contracted), does spend on other things he wants, and has not said anything about a small ring now with a future upgrade.

Is he currently overspending on unnecessary items? If so, this is a whole different red flag. Have you spoken to him about wanting a ring once he can afford it or are you assuming he won’t because he hasn’t brought it up?

I wouldn’t dare bring it up bc it seems so rude. But he has not hinted at anything like this, and I can tell he thinks it is all stupid and meaningless even though it is very meaningful to me.

You and your partner need to get more comfortable discussing finances with each other. You both need to communicate about your current budget and your expectations for the future. It is not rude to talk about money if you plan to be married, it is necessary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

A ring is a shallow and stupid thing to insist on in order to get married. There are plenty of legit and good reasons not to get one-- ethics, cost, etc. So OP is contemplating not marrying someone who won't buy her a piece of jewelry? If that's a dealbreaker for her, she must not have much love or commitment for him.

It just seems crazy.

+1000

I disagree with this rationale as I think it is important to consider what your partner wants; dismissing something because you don’t find it important shows that you are not willing to consider your partner and are inflexible.

In OPs situation, though, she wants her partner to purchase a ring he can not currently afford. This is a whole different can of worms and I believe it is selfish of her to insist on it. If he is already overspending on himself this is also a major issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like other pps I initially responded thinking he could afford a ring or that you were happy with something simple and inexpensive but that he was refusing on the basis of it being silly and superficial.

He should not be purchasing anything he can not afford right now. You should not be insisting he do that.

As I said, he will definitely make a lot more money quite soon (it’s contracted), does spend on other things he wants, and has not said anything about a small ring now with a future upgrade.

Is he currently overspending on unnecessary items? If so, this is a whole different red flag. Have you spoken to him about wanting a ring once he can afford it or are you assuming he won’t because he hasn’t brought it up?

I wouldn’t dare bring it up bc it seems so rude. But he has not hinted at anything like this, and I can tell he thinks it is all stupid and meaningless even though it is very meaningful to me.

You're pressuring him to buy a ring he can't currently afford but think it would be rude to raise the possibility of waiting until he can?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

Right now he has a very limited budget. But in a year or two it will be a drop in the buckle for him. I haven’t insisted on any specific ring. I just know that if he puts it on a card, or borrows for it, which he has done for other things he wanted, he will have no problem paying it off in a couple of years when his salary increases majorly. I am not in general a spendthrift and don’t use credit card debt myself ever. But in his position I absolutely would for something important that I knew would be easily repaid down the road. People take out mortgages. This to me is like that, a cornerstone (more bad puns) of the joint relationship. The debt would become joint anyway. I’m not looking for a 5 carat ring or anything.

Omg, this is NOT like a mortgage. The problem is definitely you. At most, he should give you an inexpensive gold band with the promise to get the one you want if/when your joint finances allow it. But honestly given your position on this, you should have no control over his/joint finances. Going into debt for an engagement ring is madness.

Comparing this to a mortgage is really problematic. You need some financial literacy, OP. I say this as a PP who was sympathetic before reading the update that he would need to take out debt

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like other pps I initially responded thinking he could afford a ring or that you were happy with something simple and inexpensive but that he was refusing on the basis of it being silly and superficial.

He should not be purchasing anything he can not afford right now. You should not be insisting he do that.

As I said, he will definitely make a lot more money quite soon (it’s contracted), does spend on other things he wants, and has not said anything about a small ring now with a future upgrade.

Is he currently overspending on unnecessary items? If so, this is a whole different red flag. Have you spoken to him about wanting a ring once he can afford it or are you assuming he won’t because he hasn’t brought it up?

I wouldn’t dare bring it up bc it seems so rude. But he has not hinted at anything like this, and I can tell he thinks it is all stupid and meaningless even though it is very meaningful to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like other pps I initially responded thinking he could afford a ring or that you were happy with something simple and inexpensive but that he was refusing on the basis of it being silly and superficial.

He should not be purchasing anything he can not afford right now. You should not be insisting he do that.

As I said, he will definitely make a lot more money quite soon (it’s contracted), does spend on other things he wants, and has not said anything about a small ring now with a future upgrade.

Is he currently overspending on unnecessary items? If so, this is a whole different red flag. Have you spoken to him about wanting a ring once he can afford it or are you assuming he won’t because he hasn’t brought it up?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

A ring is a shallow and stupid thing to insist on in order to get married. There are plenty of legit and good reasons not to get one-- ethics, cost, etc. So OP is contemplating not marrying someone who won't buy her a piece of jewelry? If that's a dealbreaker for her, she must not have much love or commitment for him.

It just seems crazy.

+1000

Ok, I have changed my mind also. Insisting on a ring based on what he “should be able to afford in a couple of years” is obnoxious.

But, if he is also overspending on things he wants, that is a problem also.

You guys may actually both have a spending problem — which will be a train wreck if you marry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends upon the reason.

Rings were made up as an emblem in order to sell diamonds by the De Beers Consolidated Mines to make money. I don't put much stock in a ring that was invented as part of a marketing plan to sell more diamonds, yet others do.

https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/02/how-an-ad-campaign-invented-the-diamond-engagement-ring/385376/

PS: The idea that a rock from the dirty ground worn on my finger means anything is awfully strange. The fact the size of a rock can impress someone (or not) is pretty funny. De Beers controlled the supply and demand of diamonds in order to make them seem more rare and, therefore, more valuable.

Their "value" is all made up!

I am aware of this history. It has no bearing on the fact that it is an important symbol and milestone (ugh, pun) for many adult women, or the fact that I want one. I love the idea of a ring that I wear and admire for the rest of my life that reminds me of the sparkling promise of these days, that my kids associate with me, and that will outlast us both.

NP and while I was of the "rings are optional" mindset, it was important to my husband and my grandmother had diamonds for me that she wanted me to have from one of my namesakes specifically FOR a ring set for us.

My husband did not propose in a traditional way -- the rings had to be made from a different piece of jewelry -- so he proposed with a different type of jewelry and we had already planned our wedding, to include putting a deposit on a venue.

In the end, I love our rings. The gold from the old jewelry was used in both my engagement and wedding rings, and the remainder was used in my husbands wedding ring which has some distinct features to go with my rings, and I'm really happy that we worked with a jeweler to design something special to us.

When I got engaged we were not making much money. I got an inexpensive stone set in a setting I loved. Later on, when we could easily afford it, we swapped out the stone with a lab diamond. Something to consider (if this would work for his current budget).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

Right now he has a very limited budget. But in a year or two it will be a drop in the buckle for him. I haven’t insisted on any specific ring. I just know that if he puts it on a card, or borrows for it, which he has done for other things he wanted, he will have no problem paying it off in a couple of years when his salary increases majorly. I am not in general a spendthrift and don’t use credit card debt myself ever. But in his position I absolutely would for something important that I knew would be easily repaid down the road. People take out mortgages. This to me is like that, a cornerstone (more bad puns) of the joint relationship. The debt would become joint anyway. I’m not looking for a 5 carat ring or anything.

Omg, this is NOT like a mortgage. The problem is definitely you. At most, he should give you an inexpensive gold band with the promise to get the one you want if/when your joint finances allow it. But honestly given your position on this, you should have no control over his/joint finances. Going into debt for an engagement ring is madness.

Anonymous wrote:Like other pps I initially responded thinking he could afford a ring or that you were happy with something simple and inexpensive but that he was refusing on the basis of it being silly and superficial.

He should not be purchasing anything he can not afford right now. You should not be insisting he do that.

As I said, he will definitely make a lot more money quite soon (it’s contracted), does spend on other things he wants, and has not said anything about a small ring now with a future upgrade.