Anonymous wrote:My cousin used to shack up with every woman he dated. He’d meet someone, almost immediately “move her in”, as he put it, and he’d happily stay in that arrangement until she got tired of it. He’d move someone new in again within weeks. He did this for nearly twenty years.
One day he met a woman he wanted. He broke up with the woman who was living with him. He courted the new one, dated her, and asked her to marry him within six months. They bought a house together and moved in after the wedding.
Tale as old as time.

Yup.
Co-worker has been living with his “fiancé” for decades. He’s very open with everyone who isn’t her or a friend of hers that he won’t set a date because he’s not sure about her. When asked when they knew, most married men say it was nearly immediately.

My cousin used to shack up with every woman he dated. He’d meet someone, almost immediately “move her in”, as he put it, and he’d happily stay in that arrangement until she got tired of it. He’d move someone new in again within weeks. He did this for nearly twenty years.
One day he met a woman he wanted. He broke up with the woman who was living with him. He courted the new one, dated her, and asked her to marry him within six months. They bought a house together and moved in after the wedding.
Tale as old as time.

Anonymous wrote:If he wanted to marry her, he’d ask. He doesn’t want to, but feels he might as well live with her until he finds who he wants.
He’s obviously not going to admit that.

Uh, no. You move in with someone if you want to live with him or her. That doesn’t mean you don’t want to marry the person. It means you don’t want to marry the person - make that lifelong commitment - right now. It doesn’t mean you’re looking for someone else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is a gigantic red flag is you using the getting the milk for free trope.

MYOB

OP. I don’t necessarily mean sex, and it’s not a judgement on women. What I mean is that he gets the perks of a wife - not just easier access to sex, but let’s be real, women tend to contribute much more around the house than men. So he basically gets a free cook, maid, household manager, and half the finances are covered, but without putting himself in the more vulnerable position of legally committing.

Correct. This is absolutely true, and if anyone needs any further example that women end up shouldering the burden unequally at home I will direct you to all the news stories about women leaving the job market during the pandemic.

Why marry somebody that goes this? Moving in will open your eyes to this… then find a better man!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is a gigantic red flag is you using the getting the milk for free trope.

MYOB

OP. I don’t necessarily mean sex, and it’s not a judgement on women. What I mean is that he gets the perks of a wife - not just easier access to sex, but let’s be real, women tend to contribute much more around the house than men. So he basically gets a free cook, maid, household manager, and half the finances are covered, but without putting himself in the more vulnerable position of legally committing.

The hole just got deeper.

If he wanted to marry her, he’d ask. He doesn’t want to, but feels he might as well live with her until he finds who he wants.
He’s obviously not going to admit that.

Sounds like your friend is a confident woman who knows exactly what she wants and is drawing her boundaries firmly.

This is a conflict that occurs in many couples and in and of itself is not a red flag.

It is concerning that you are so involved in the romantic problems of your 'female friend' (because you worded it that way, I think you may be a male friend of hers who perhaps likes her and wouldn't be sad if this whole thing fell apart?).

MYOB. Your friend isn't getting pushed around, she's communicating her expectations and limits clearly. And that is important for their relationship, which is something you shouldn't be in the middle of.

Anonymous wrote:What if she moves in an puts up a chore chart or only does her half?

No ring for her!

Anonymous wrote:MYOB is DCUM's (or just a few prolific posters') favorite words.

Of course it's a red flag. He didn't get what he wants, so he threw a tantrum and gaslighted her.

This.

Pretty simple.

This isn’t dude dating a nursing grad student who’s had “tons of women live with him over the years in his house.”???

Huge red flag. He doesn't want to marry so this isn't going anywhere.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Split the difference - they move in together when they get engaged. That's the compromise position for both individuals.

I cannot imagine going through a wedding and then immediately moving at the same time. Holy stress.

This is how it worked for the majority of my friends.

I lived in a group house with others and my then boyfriend. We didn’t get our own apartment until we got engaged.

We were in our 20s.

I realize of people are older and one has a house or they both do that’s very different.

Oh engaged for 1 year. We set the wedding date, and my parents booked the wedding venue the day after we were engaged.

Anonymous wrote:Split the difference - they move in together when they get engaged. That's the compromise position for both individuals.

I cannot imagine going through a wedding and then immediately moving at the same time. Holy stress.

This is how it worked for the majority of my friends.

I lived in a group house with others and my then boyfriend. We didn’t get our own apartment until we got engaged.

We were in our 20s.

I realize of people are older and one has a house or they both do that’s very different.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is a gigantic red flag is you using the getting the milk for free trope.

MYOB

OP. I don’t necessarily mean sex, and it’s not a judgement on women. What I mean is that he gets the perks of a wife - not just easier access to sex, but let’s be real, women tend to contribute much more around the house than men. So he basically gets a free cook, maid, household manager, and half the finances are covered, but without putting himself in the more vulnerable position of legally committing.

And how is this any of your concern? How will this impact you in any way if this is what your friend chose to do? And plenty of women don't do all the things you listed a woman has no one to blame but herself if she decides to become the made. MYOB and worry about your own boyfriend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is a gigantic red flag is you using the getting the milk for free trope.

MYOB

OP. I don’t necessarily mean sex, and it’s not a judgement on women. What I mean is that he gets the perks of a wife - not just easier access to sex, but let’s be real, women tend to contribute much more around the house than men. So he basically gets a free cook, maid, household manager, and half the finances are covered, but without putting himself in the more vulnerable position of legally committing.

Correct. This is absolutely true, and if anyone needs any further example that women end up shouldering the burden unequally at home I will direct you to all the news stories about women leaving the job market during the pandemic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is a gigantic red flag is you using the getting the milk for free trope.

MYOB

OP. I don’t necessarily mean sex, and it’s not a judgement on women. What I mean is that he gets the perks of a wife - not just easier access to sex, but let’s be real, women tend to contribute much more around the house than men. So he basically gets a free cook, maid, household manager, and half the finances are covered, but without putting himself in the more vulnerable position of legally committing.

EXACTLY. Kind of a raw deal for her, and the fact that the guy in this scenario took offence at her preferences/values screams total red flag to me. It's ok to want whatever you want - for both of them - but it isn't OK to get angry at your partner over it.

Good points.