Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of these posters think they more about OP’s mother’s intentions than OP herself?

I don't think that.

But I do find in my own life when I am struggling with a personal dynamic, that it is helpful to be reminded that I don't always know the other person's intentions and should not impute them. Rather, I should focus on the actions, and my response to them. I was trying to do that here.

If OP does not like the negative references, she should absolutely say that, and develop strategies to shut the stories down or avoid the situation. But she should also consider whether changing her own mindset is also a viable option (not saying it is!) as other posters have indicated they choose not to look at these childhood stories through the same lens. Of course it is up to the OP to decide what is best for her and her children. The mom could just be bullheaded, forgetful, caught up in nostalgia that she wants to share when she looks at her daughter's children, etc. She is not necessarily a manipulative bully, jealous of her daughter, etc.

Or she might be, why is this so hard for people to wrap their heads around? If you can't imagine this then maybe this isn't the thread for you. People like my mom who do this as well, aren't forgetful, and if you knew her and seen this in action, you would know it too.

PP you are responding to- I know that she could be, and I wrote my post intending to allow for that possibility. My entire point was that we don't know. That isn't to say OP's feelings aren't valid. It is to say that, absent a history of lots of other types of conduct to support it, I don't know how we impute these characteristics and intentions.

As I said earlier, my own mother also "does this" and it doesn't bother me and I know it is not from a place of mean-spiritedness. So the conduct alone does not support the imputed intention, or necessitate the same emotional response.

Why not give the OP the benefit of the doubt and not the mother who isn't posting? You're twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid the possibility that OP knows what she's talking about. That it doesn't bother you what your mom does is totally irrelevant.

1. Because I was offering a way to think about the situation that may help.
1. OP only said the mother "tried to embarrass her" Giving her "the benefit" of the doubt, that is not the same thing as many people have extrapolated to her mother being a manipulative, jealous, bully...

How nice for you to have no idea what the OP is talking about. Consider yourself lucky.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of these posters think they more about OP’s mother’s intentions than OP herself?

I don't think that.

But I do find in my own life when I am struggling with a personal dynamic, that it is helpful to be reminded that I don't always know the other person's intentions and should not impute them. Rather, I should focus on the actions, and my response to them. I was trying to do that here.

If OP does not like the negative references, she should absolutely say that, and develop strategies to shut the stories down or avoid the situation. But she should also consider whether changing her own mindset is also a viable option (not saying it is!) as other posters have indicated they choose not to look at these childhood stories through the same lens. Of course it is up to the OP to decide what is best for her and her children. The mom could just be bullheaded, forgetful, caught up in nostalgia that she wants to share when she looks at her daughter's children, etc. She is not necessarily a manipulative bully, jealous of her daughter, etc.

Or she might be, why is this so hard for people to wrap their heads around? If you can't imagine this then maybe this isn't the thread for you. People like my mom who do this as well, aren't forgetful, and if you knew her and seen this in action, you would know it too.

PP you are responding to- I know that she could be, and I wrote my post intending to allow for that possibility. My entire point was that we don't know. That isn't to say OP's feelings aren't valid. It is to say that, absent a history of lots of other types of conduct to support it, I don't know how we impute these characteristics and intentions.

As I said earlier, my own mother also "does this" and it doesn't bother me and I know it is not from a place of mean-spiritedness. So the conduct alone does not support the imputed intention, or necessitate the same emotional response.

Why not give the OP the benefit of the doubt and not the mother who isn't posting? You're twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid the possibility that OP knows what she's talking about. That it doesn't bother you what your mom does is totally irrelevant.

1. Because I was offering a way to think about the situation that may help.
1. OP only said the mother "tried to embarrass her" Giving her "the benefit" of the doubt, that is not the same thing as many people have extrapolated to her mother being a manipulative, jealous, bully...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a WASP thing?

Not in my case. We are not WASP and my mother does this.

Are you striving to emulate WASP culture?

Why would anyone want to do that? Are you?

If you do not like your own mother, do you like your MIL? Or she is a bee itch too?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a WASP thing?

Not in my case. We are not WASP and my mother does this.

Are you striving to emulate WASP culture?

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else have a parent who does this? For example, if my mother is visiting while kids are doing homework, she will tell them about how I got very bad grader for a period of time or never even bothered to open my books. Then elaborated that I struggled with leaning and had to work harder than my brother did. I’m the one in the family with a Phd, my brother flunked out of grad school. Other times, it’s about how I was a bad cook and didn’t know how to use an oven until I was married blah, blah. I could go on and on. Same thing happens when I receive a compliment from someone. If my mom is present she adds something she feels is embarrassing or reminds me that I was a very difficult kid.

I’m beginning to see that it’s pretty sad I’ve put up with this for so long.

No. I have never heard this. Your family life sound very messed up. You should explore this further in therapy. Come back and tell us if it is a SES thing, a race thing, a divorced parents thing, a did-not-go-to-college thing. Tell us just what this is because I have never heard and seen this before.

Anonymous wrote:Is this a WASP thing?

Not in my case. We are not WASP and my mother does this.

Is this a WASP thing?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of these posters think they more about OP’s mother’s intentions than OP herself?

I don't think that.

But I do find in my own life when I am struggling with a personal dynamic, that it is helpful to be reminded that I don't always know the other person's intentions and should not impute them. Rather, I should focus on the actions, and my response to them. I was trying to do that here.

If OP does not like the negative references, she should absolutely say that, and develop strategies to shut the stories down or avoid the situation. But she should also consider whether changing her own mindset is also a viable option (not saying it is!) as other posters have indicated they choose not to look at these childhood stories through the same lens. Of course it is up to the OP to decide what is best for her and her children. The mom could just be bullheaded, forgetful, caught up in nostalgia that she wants to share when she looks at her daughter's children, etc. She is not necessarily a manipulative bully, jealous of her daughter, etc.

Or she might be, why is this so hard for people to wrap their heads around? If you can't imagine this then maybe this isn't the thread for you. People like my mom who do this as well, aren't forgetful, and if you knew her and seen this in action, you would know it too.

PP you are responding to- I know that she could be, and I wrote my post intending to allow for that possibility. My entire point was that we don't know. That isn't to say OP's feelings aren't valid. It is to say that, absent a history of lots of other types of conduct to support it, I don't know how we impute these characteristics and intentions.

As I said earlier, my own mother also "does this" and it doesn't bother me and I know it is not from a place of mean-spiritedness. So the conduct alone does not support the imputed intention, or necessitate the same emotional response.

Why not give the OP the benefit of the doubt and not the mother who isn't posting? You're twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid the possibility that OP knows what she's talking about. That it doesn't bother you what your mom does is totally irrelevant.

Our family has all these embarrassing/funny stories about each other and we will always narrate it to each other and any new person who joins the family and laugh until tears flow down our faces.

My DH, my SIL, BIL, myself - have absolutely hilarious and truly embarrassing stories about ourselves, each other, our relatives, parents etc. Our kids are usually hanging around, just listening avidly and laughing along. They have also learned the art of laughing at themselves, at us, at their teachers and friends...their quality/behavior of laughing at themselves and not hiding their awkward actions is what makes them popular with others and keeps them mentally and emotionally healthy.

In fact, very often we will recount something that has happened to us to others, and we will regale others in a manner that makes us sound even more foolish and comedic...just to make it funnier.

I think the people who get offended and don't do this are the "dry toast" families ("My Big Fat Greek Wedding" reference). There is a level of formality and a fear of being judged by their own family members. I think there is nothing sadder than this.

My mom has stories of me being an unruly child. My kids love to hear of my escapades especially when they know that I have high expectations about a lot of things from them. I will laugh and say "Do as I say, not as I did". Of course, it is reassuring to my kids that making a mistake is not end of the world and we can laugh about it later.

But, my God! You people have neither a sense of humor, nor a great relationship with your kids or your parents. I shudder to think how hard it must be to live in your head space.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of these posters think they more about OP’s mother’s intentions than OP herself?

I don't think that.

But I do find in my own life when I am struggling with a personal dynamic, that it is helpful to be reminded that I don't always know the other person's intentions and should not impute them. Rather, I should focus on the actions, and my response to them. I was trying to do that here.

If OP does not like the negative references, she should absolutely say that, and develop strategies to shut the stories down or avoid the situation. But she should also consider whether changing her own mindset is also a viable option (not saying it is!) as other posters have indicated they choose not to look at these childhood stories through the same lens. Of course it is up to the OP to decide what is best for her and her children. The mom could just be bullheaded, forgetful, caught up in nostalgia that she wants to share when she looks at her daughter's children, etc. She is not necessarily a manipulative bully, jealous of her daughter, etc.

Or she might be, why is this so hard for people to wrap their heads around? If you can't imagine this then maybe this isn't the thread for you. People like my mom who do this as well, aren't forgetful, and if you knew her and seen this in action, you would know it too.

PP you are responding to- I know that she could be, and I wrote my post intending to allow for that possibility. My entire point was that we don't know. That isn't to say OP's feelings aren't valid. It is to say that, absent a history of lots of other types of conduct to support it, I don't know how we impute these characteristics and intentions.

As I said earlier, my own mother also "does this" and it doesn't bother me and I know it is not from a place of mean-spiritedness. So the conduct alone does not support the imputed intention, or necessitate the same emotional response.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of these posters think they more about OP’s mother’s intentions than OP herself?

I don't think that.

But I do find in my own life when I am struggling with a personal dynamic, that it is helpful to be reminded that I don't always know the other person's intentions and should not impute them. Rather, I should focus on the actions, and my response to them. I was trying to do that here.

If OP does not like the negative references, she should absolutely say that, and develop strategies to shut the stories down or avoid the situation. But she should also consider whether changing her own mindset is also a viable option (not saying it is!) as other posters have indicated they choose not to look at these childhood stories through the same lens. Of course it is up to the OP to decide what is best for her and her children. The mom could just be bullheaded, forgetful, caught up in nostalgia that she wants to share when she looks at her daughter's children, etc. She is not necessarily a manipulative bully, jealous of her daughter, etc.

Or she might be, why is this so hard for people to wrap their heads around? If you can't imagine this then maybe this isn't the thread for you. People like my mom who do this as well, aren't forgetful, and if you knew her and seen this in action, you would know it too.

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of these posters think they more about OP’s mother’s intentions than OP herself?

I don't think that.

But I do find in my own life when I am struggling with a personal dynamic, that it is helpful to be reminded that I don't always know the other person's intentions and should not impute them. Rather, I should focus on the actions, and my response to them. I was trying to do that here.

If OP does not like the negative references, she should absolutely say that, and develop strategies to shut the stories down or avoid the situation. But she should also consider whether changing her own mindset is also a viable option (not saying it is!) as other posters have indicated they choose not to look at these childhood stories through the same lens. Of course it is up to the OP to decide what is best for her and her children. The mom could just be bullheaded, forgetful, caught up in nostalgia that she wants to share when she looks at her daughter's children, etc. She is not necessarily a manipulative bully, jealous of her daughter, etc.

OP, my mother does this all the time. She thinks it's witty and cute and a way to apparently make me (or whoever she is talking about) relatable, but it gets old and generally just feels awkward. Perhaps because she does it *so* frequently.

If it was every now and then, it would be a good laugh but it's often cringe-worthy and once the listener is past a certain age, the stories just come across as her trying too hard. FWIW, she has always teased people beyond a comfortable level, and makes jokes that embarrass other people. She's never quite been able to "read the room" and stop when someone has had enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still interested in the concept of getting "embarrassed" in front of my kids. I honestly cannot imagine that happening.

For me at least, everything within the family is fair game and all in good fun and/or in the interest of honesty and just being completely comfortable around eachother. Speaking ill outside of the family....different thing altogether.

Everybody is different OP. Decide what works for you. There is a lot of space between not caring at all and cutting her off from your kids.

Its different when the story teller knows what they are doing and it’s not all in good fun. The mocking and demeaning only ever go one way where the story teller is the hero and the other person is the villain.

PP and I agree. But nothing the OP has posted so far makes that clear that is the case here. Certainly not the "hero and villain" part. It may be true, but it may not be. A lot is being assumed about the mother's intent...

Really? You think so? OP stated that her mom repeatedly tells negative stories about her, OP asked her not to, and then her mom cried and accused OP of being mean to her. You think we’re assuming that Op’s mom isn’t caring about OP’s feelings when she keeps doing something OP has asked her to stop doing because it bothers her? Then crying when called out on this bad behavior, you think we’re making too many assumptions when we call it manipulative?

Not sure if your rose colored glasses prevent you from seeing bullying behavior or if something else is at play, and I wouldn’t want to assume anything about you because I don’t know you, but OP spelled the situation out pretty clearly leaving no need to assume if her mother is being kind or unkind to her.

OP said the mom “apologizes then cries and says she is being hard on her”. She doesn’t say how many times this has happened. I’m not sure why we assume both the apology and the tears are insincere. Is it possible that OP was in fact being overly harsh when the mother meant no harm? It isn’t manipulative if the reaction is sincere.

I don’t know what is in the mom’s head. Nor do I know exactly how these interactions have gone down and who said exactly what. Neither do you.

I was offering a different perspective for the OP to consider, given we have no other facts to conclude that the relationship with the mom is terrible. Call them rose-colored glasses if you want, but I try not to assume intent and I try to think the best of people. I also recognize that we only get one side of a story here.

It may very well be that this mother is a manipulative bully. If so, OK. But it also may not…

The fact that it’s happened multiple times is your clue. If someone says you need to stop doing something because it’s hurtful, but you keep on, then you cry when called out on it, you’re the problem. That it keeps happening despite being asked to stop shows the mom prefers to keep saying negative things about OP even if it hurts OP’s feelings. It also shows that OP’s mom doesn’t respect OP’s parenting choices, because she keeps doing this around the children.

I’m sure OP has considered other perspectives. She keeps letting her mom have chances to be a better person and not try to embarrass her in front of her kids or others. She hasn’t cut her off. But she’s within her rights to set a boundary and expect her mom to stop being negative and quit trying to embarrass her. She’s come to the conclusion that her mother’s intentions aren’t good. I’m not sure why it’s always seemingly surprising to some posters that some parents don’t have their kids best interests at heart, that some parents are emotionally and verbally abusive or good old fashioned bullies.