Anonymous wrote:I'm 41 and have always had lots of friends but went through a major friend upheaval in my 30s that changed how I approach friendship. I used to become friends with literally anyone who wanted to be friends with me. That was it -- if someone was pleasant to me and seemed even remotely interested in friendship, I'd add them to my friend group and start inviting them to things and we'd be friends.

Here's how I think about it now:

It's not enough for someone to be nice/pleasant. They must also seem respectful and actually interested in me as a person. I've wound up with too many friends who are perfectly pleasant but don't seem to value my time or care about any aspect of my life, and then I'm disappointed in them. Now I understand those are "acquaintances" but I do not think of them as real friendships and I have no expectations of those relationships.

Also, people need to have follow through, not just saying they want to get together or making plans and canceling all the time. I don't have time for that. I have kids and a job with a decent amount of responsibility, as do most people I know, and as a result if I make plans with friends I want to feel relatively certain they will happen because it often requires me to make special arrangements just to get that on the calendar.

I also now have a list of stuff I simply do not tolerate in friends anymore, and when I meet people who do these things I just steer clear:

Gossip, specifically of peers, especially other women (gossip about celebrities or something is fine, I don't care about that)
Being very judgmental, especially of other people's relationships or parenting. This is toxic and I've learned also a major sign of insecurity.

Good point!

no drama, or constant complaining. no bragging or showing off. act like you are open to friendship - im not going to convince you.

I'm 41 and have always had lots of friends but went through a major friend upheaval in my 30s that changed how I approach friendship. I used to become friends with literally anyone who wanted to be friends with me. That was it -- if someone was pleasant to me and seemed even remotely interested in friendship, I'd add them to my friend group and start inviting them to things and we'd be friends.

Here's how I think about it now:

It's not enough for someone to be nice/pleasant. They must also seem respectful and actually interested in me as a person. I've wound up with too many friends who are perfectly pleasant but don't seem to value my time or care about any aspect of my life, and then I'm disappointed in them. Now I understand those are "acquaintances" but I do not think of them as real friendships and I have no expectations of those relationships.

Also, people need to have follow through, not just saying they want to get together or making plans and canceling all the time. I don't have time for that. I have kids and a job with a decent amount of responsibility, as do most people I know, and as a result if I make plans with friends I want to feel relatively certain they will happen because it often requires me to make special arrangements just to get that on the calendar.

I also now have a list of stuff I simply do not tolerate in friends anymore, and when I meet people who do these things I just steer clear:

Gossip, specifically of peers, especially other women (gossip about celebrities or something is fine, I don't care about that)
Being very judgmental, especially of other people's relationships or parenting. This is toxic and I've learned also a major sign of insecurity.

If I’m at a party and meet someone new and they are upbeat and fun and then they ask me about my life I’m always attracted to them. I try to do the same myself.

New friends are mostly just parents of kids my kids are friends with. Some I really like, others I tolerate for the sake of my kids. I still have old friends and those are most of my true friends that will last.