Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has gone through it, I believe this as well. Cheating is bad, but so are a lot of other things. I think most betrayed partners don’t realize that the cheating doesn’t have anything to do with them. Sexless married guy will chime in that happily married and well sexed men don’t cheat. That’s BS.

In my case, and that of my friends, our spouses cheated because they were broke inside - midlife crisis, addicts, childhood trauma, too much stress, low self-esteem, etc. The cheating was a manifestation of the problems of the cheater. The betrayed spouse wasn’t to blame or the cause.

Once you can bifurcate the pain that you feel as a result of the betrayal from the underlying cause, then you can accept the cheating for what it is - a spouse not being able to deal with their underlying issues. It could have just as easily have been gambling, a new sports car, drinking, partying, workaholic, or extreme exercise. It’s a way to escape from the bad feelings caused by the issues. Love and new sex energy are a drug, and the high they produce make you feel good when you’re normally feeling bad.

My cheating spouse got help and has changed his life. I was crushed after I found out. Once I was able to heal and see things without the cloud of pain hanging over me, I know I had nothing to do with his cheating.

Cheating, gambling , addiction

I’d divorce over all those.

Or just low self esteem that manifested itself as verbal abuse.

Aint nobody got time for that.

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has gone through it, I believe this as well. Cheating is bad, but so are a lot of other things. I think most betrayed partners don’t realize that the cheating doesn’t have anything to do with them. Sexless married guy will chime in that happily married and well sexed men don’t cheat. That’s BS.

In my case, and that of my friends, our spouses cheated because they were broke inside - midlife crisis, addicts, childhood trauma, too much stress, low self-esteem, etc. The cheating was a manifestation of the problems of the cheater. The betrayed spouse wasn’t to blame or the cause.

Once you can bifurcate the pain that you feel as a result of the betrayal from the underlying cause, then you can accept the cheating for what it is - a spouse not being able to deal with their underlying issues. It could have just as easily have been gambling, a new sports car, drinking, partying, workaholic, or extreme exercise. It’s a way to escape from the bad feelings caused by the issues. Love and new sex energy are a drug, and the high they produce make you feel good when you’re normally feeling bad.

My cheating spouse got help and has changed his life. I was crushed after I found out. Once I was able to heal and see things without the cloud of pain hanging over me, I know I had nothing to do with his cheating.

Anonymous wrote:Lots of people feel this way OP, but they are quiet about it because of the judgment of other women.

Anonymous wrote:I care a lot less after 16 years of marriage. I wonder if people who get wound up over cheating are still in the new and passionate phase? I would have been far more hurt then. Now, I kinda get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is only talking about the physical act.

It’s so much more complex than that.

Yeah, OP, are you just envisioning "cheating" in a vacuum? Like a one-time hook-up? Just a sexual act, nothing more?

Because cheating is rarely that. And if that IS what you're talking about -- say, a one-night stand on a business trip with someone he'll never see again -- I think a lot of women wouldn't divorce over that, so you're not alone there. But cheating involves making you look like a fool -- lying to your face, kissing you without washing off first, etc -- and that's hard to get over and still feel loving toward the person who did that to you.

If you husband is having sex with other men, it could very well be just that.

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you okay if your H is having sex with men?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is only talking about the physical act.

It’s so much more complex than that.

Yeah, OP, are you just envisioning "cheating" in a vacuum? Like a one-time hook-up? Just a sexual act, nothing more?

Because cheating is rarely that. And if that IS what you're talking about -- say, a one-night stand on a business trip with someone he'll never see again -- I think a lot of women wouldn't divorce over that, so you're not alone there. But cheating involves making you look like a fool -- lying to your face, kissing you without washing off first, etc -- and that's hard to get over and still feel loving toward the person who did that to you.

Anonymous wrote:I care, but I don't worry about it. One, because I don't believe my DH is the cheating kind, and two, because I just don't worry about it.

I have a friend who is pretty wonderful but she is obsessed with the idea that a partner might cheat on her. Posts memes about it on FB, discussion about her past cheating DH, etc. So, maybe she had a disproportionate number of cheaters in her past, or something about her issues make it so that she attracts cheaters.

I have issues, but I don't worry about cheating and haven't ever dealt with cheating.