OP here. I'm a little shell shocked here. First off, my daughter's college is not an issue. She has a college fund, and a father with so many assets that any CSS profile makes her ineligible for aid. UVA uses the CSS in addition to the FAFSA anyway. And all her other schools are private. Secondly, my kids have a rich asshole dad and my divorce agreement protects them for life.

I'm with this guy because he's loving and kind-- yes too generous-- but not the kind of asshole my workaholic arrogant narcissistic ex husband was.

Lots of men are financially devastated by divorce. That doesn't mean they deserve no future. After eight years single I ran across all the types of single men in their 40's-- the losers, the scam artists, the impotent ones, the misogynists, the control freaks, and the fundamentally broken.

This guy is not that. He does all the cooking, all the cleaning, takes me to doctors appointments, loves my disabled son way more than his own dad does, and is supportive of my career and nice to my family. In addition, his income is 4x what mine is.

Yes, he needs to learn basic financial skills, and his dynamic with his family of origin is clearly fundamentally problematic. But so is mine. My mother has borderline personality disorder and my father comes from a long line of alcoholics. People come with stuff-- it's what they do with it that counts.

So the advice I was looking for was how to work together to establish boundaries and protect us from them.

FWIW we had already decided not to get legally married because living in a high cost of living area, the SALT CAP means our taxes would go up $8K annually by getting legally married. We are getting married in a church, which is what I consider marriage.

I do appreciate all the concerns and red flags-- trust me, I have been with that guy before- the user and loser. But this guy is better than that. He's just imperfect like all of us.

Why would you want to marry into this mess, esp a second marriage! No way. Don't do it.

Do not marry. I’m in an almost identical situation. We had a commitment ceremony with the rings/vows/reception, but we never had a marriage license. No one knows. Do the things you need for legal protection of one another (POA, wills, etc).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is rarely in unanimous agreement. Right now I feel like we’re at a girls night out with OP (several of us are wearing puffers because it is 65 degrees after all) and everyone is sitting around the table exclaiming “DO NOT MARRY HIM!”

Op you have a whole virtual community here of people with all kinds of life experiences and every single one is warning you away. You said it yourself— he will ruin your life.

Joining the chorus. When there is this kind of unanimity, DCUM is never wrong.

Dont marry him. You owe it to your daughter

OP, are you still out there?

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is rarely in unanimous agreement. Right now I feel like we’re at a girls night out with OP (several of us are wearing puffers because it is 65 degrees after all) and everyone is sitting around the table exclaiming “DO NOT MARRY HIM!”

Op you have a whole virtual community here of people with all kinds of life experiences and every single one is warning you away. You said it yourself— he will ruin your life.

Joining the chorus. When there is this kind of unanimity, DCUM is never wrong.

Are you sure the money is going to his parents and his ex? It’s not like he can prove it to you, all you see is money going out the door and he can tell you anything. If he’s really nasty, he can even send the money to an account with his ex’s name on it(but “owned” by him, so it appears like he’s sending it to her. And, why would you want a man who still pays for his ex? Seriously.

All this being said, Id run. This is why you don’t mix money and family/friends. Any love or affection or just nice feelings about someone go away real quick once they ask for money because the asks never end. They come at literally every hour of the day and night. They cause fights among the couple who were probably having a nice day up until then. I truly believe people who ask for money want to break couples up.
I’m only sorry you and this guy own a house together. And, you cant “insist” on anything. The bank can, you can’t especially if you continue to live like a couple, sleep together, go out together, eat breakfast together. You can scream at him, you can call him bad names, but that’s just a garden variety fight, something you could do over the lawn not being mowed too. You can’t even kick him out of the house unless he’s living there as your guest. I’m sorry, op.

Anonymous wrote:OMG. DO NOT MARRY DO NOT MARRY DO NOT MARRY.

Honestly what is the appeal of marrying this man? You could just live together and call each other "partners" (the permanent fiance thing is tacky and awkward IMO).

Absolutely this. And you also need to be prepared to pay the entire amount of your "joint mortgage". Whose name is the house in, and who took out the mortgage?

Anonymous wrote:Do not marry this guy. It makes zero sense to tie yourselves together financially. Just live together.

+1

It's crazy to marry this guy. Don't do it.

Absolutely do not marry him. He is a disaster if he thinks he can afford to support irresponsible parents in living in Manhattan. They need to sell that apartment, move to a lower COL area like New England, and have someone else who has an ounce of financial sense invest the balance of their assets. It is lunacy to support irresponsible parents when you are not out of debt yourself.

DCUM is rarely in unanimous agreement. Right now I feel like we’re at a girls night out with OP (several of us are wearing puffers because it is 65 degrees after all) and everyone is sitting around the table exclaiming “DO NOT MARRY HIM!”

Op you have a whole virtual community here of people with all kinds of life experiences and every single one is warning you away. You said it yourself— he will ruin your life.

No do not get married. Do NOT get married. He will eventually pay them a small bit for their retirement and as they age they will want more and more. Because you are married it will just become that you pay all the bills etc and he will be sending money to his parents and getting into more debt.

If you want financial security in your retirement keep your finances completely separate from this man and do not marry him. Honestly protect yourself. He is not good with money and if you combine your life with him your finances are gone.

OP, all the warning signs are fishing red so when your marriage inevitably blows up, don’t act surprised. Money is the number one source of stress and fights in marriage so why would you even consider moving forward? I’ve always believed that most marriages fail for reasons that were known and apparent beforehand but were minimized, and yours is a prime example. Don’t be a fool and marry this guy. In fact, just break up.

Add me to the list of people who are baffled that you are planning to marry this guy. Even outside of the massive financial/judgment red flags on his part, with two children entering college unless you are both independently high enough income that you have no chance of qualifying for grants you are also severely impacting the financial aid they will be eligible for. You’ve both already had the whole wedding/marriage experience before and given the financial concerns, your fiancé’s apparent inability to set boundaries or stand up to his family of origin, and the relatively dismal track record for second marriages why not just live together without the legal entanglement?

This guy’s boundary issues are going to be a disaster. OP, what is his appeal? He can’t say no to his ex-wife even? He was raised by profligate, irresponsible spenders. He is one himself. He has no boundaries and will put his parents, siblings, child, and ex first.

No good comes from this.

You are NIT going to change him.

So. Do you want to be the sole financial security if you marry him? Do you want your own exiling future to be impacted by his ex, his parents, his siblings, and his child?