Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:38     Subject: Incapable and Defensive Spouse
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a man and my spouse is woman. A highly intelliget, highly educated (Ivy undergrad and grad) woman but I'm losing my mind.

It's been like this for years but I lost it this morning over a half dozen things we needed and neither had time to clean up. Then she played victim that I was upset by a problem she caused that affected me and our kids.


Well, you’ve now gotten three pages of suggestions. What are you going to do about it?
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:36     Subject: Incapable and Defensive Spouse
OP here. I'm a man and my spouse is woman. A highly intelliget, highly educated (Ivy undergrad and grad) woman but I'm losing my mind.

It's been like this for years but I lost it this morning over a half dozen things we needed and neither had time to clean up. Then she played victim that I was upset by a problem she caused that affected me and our kids.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:31     Subject: Incapable and Defensive Spouse
Bless your heart you’ve never had to live with someone like OPs spouse.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:28     Subject: Incapable and Defensive Spouse
Whatever sex the person is, you have to do what each of you does well.

If you are picky, you pretty much have to do everything yourself. I am a woman and my dh would be incredibly picky about how the dishwasher was loaded, so I refused to load it. After he loaded it for ten years, he became less picky because he didn't want to load it constantly. Win win.

If you want really specific things from the grocery store, you need to go, or place a pickup order and dh just picks it up curbside..
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:24     Subject: Incapable and Defensive Spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Of course he’s going to get defensive. You describe him as “incapable” and there’s no way that doesn’t come through. Even if you’re just pointing out the mistakes he made (i.e. “you got regular coffee instead of decaf and nobody drinks decaf”) he picks up on your low opinion of him.


NP. So what’s the solution? (Similar things have happened in my house.)

If I don’t point out the difference between what I asked for and what he purchased, he won’t know to look for it next time. It’s not about blaming him for his past mistake, it’s just about preventing the same mistake going forward. But my spouse takes everything I say so negatively, like OP’s spouse. I’ve been reading about rejection sensitive dysphoria, which sometimes occurs with ADD. I think it may be that.


You don’t point out mistakes that have already been made. You set spouse up to succeed in the future. Next time you make a grocery list, you don’t write “coffee.” You write “Coffee - NO DECAF.”


And then what when they brings home decaf coffee anyway? At one point does OP get to stop managing their spouse like a five year old?


That’s up to OP to decide. Different people have different thresholds. Which does OP value more: having spouse do the grocery shopping or getting the exact groceries she wants?


I’d ask him What can he do well? See if he even answers.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:22     Subject: Incapable and Defensive Spouse
Anonymous wrote:OP - you're focused on minutiae

Post if you want for entertainment. But I hope there are more important things in life, for you, than this.

Np

Yeah! Right on! It’s so much fun to find out 10x a day and 70x a week you adult husband didn’t do something he agreed to do or half a$$ed it yet again on mowing the lawn, getting the XYZ from the store, keep the kid safe, locking the front door, paying a bill sent to him, remembering where to take a kid. Details schmetails. Never mind that verbal, written and digital reminders all fail time and time again. It’s not important to be able to rely on your spouse or the other parent of your children!
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:19     Subject: Incapable and Defensive Spouse
Anonymous wrote:I stopped expecting my husband to do half the grocery shopping and instead gave him more of the laundry. He would prefer to grocery shop but would either call me three times per trip or come home without critical items or with “great idea!” items that distracted him at the store. You have to play to the strengths of your teammate to make this work.

I disagree with the poster who says it’s your job to set them up for success— no it isn’t. You don’t get extra jobs because your spouse struggles, it is their job to review the list before departing, follow the list, read the package at the store, etc.


Correct. It was his parents job to teach him and get his help if he was struggling with life skills (hygiene, planning, organizing, prioritizing, animal care, etc.)
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:17     Subject: Incapable and Defensive Spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Of course he’s going to get defensive. You describe him as “incapable” and there’s no way that doesn’t come through. Even if you’re just pointing out the mistakes he made (i.e. “you got regular coffee instead of decaf and nobody drinks decaf”) he picks up on your low opinion of him.


NP. So what’s the solution? (Similar things have happened in my house.)

If I don’t point out the difference between what I asked for and what he purchased, he won’t know to look for it next time. It’s not about blaming him for his past mistake, it’s just about preventing the same mistake going forward. But my spouse takes everything I say so negatively, like OP’s spouse. I’ve been reading about rejection sensitive dysphoria, which sometimes occurs with ADD. I think it may be that.


I fired my housekeeper who couldn’t follow our grocery list even 75% accurately.

Not sure what is do with a life partner who couldn’t care or think enough to buy $hit off a list or remember what types of fatty milk there is.
Come on, after age 5 you are not drinking milk fat!!
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:14     Subject: Incapable and Defensive Spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like classic ADHD to me.

And the way I treat my son with ADHD is to praise the hell out of him when he gets it right. It is so much more effective than pointing out the mistakes. Trust me.


Or classic high functioning autism. Brain can’t handle more than one thing, doesn’t multitask unless vitally important and for external people (ie getting fired or job reputation).

Keep a log so you know how pervasive the pattern is.

If adhd meds can help, if aSD maybe an executive functioning coach or behavioral therapy. But early intervention is the only way to avoid bad habits and defensive attitudes. At age 40 it’s Unf pretty ingrained. He’s in over his head w adult responsibilities and is going to get nasty about it.


So why is it that the brain doesn't work with internal people?


Autism is part of the brain never developed. It won’t connect senses sensed with where it goes. The input packet falls off, thus no output. Audio instructions are particularly lost fast. In fact some can’t even recall what they just said, especially if stressed or in an argument. They literally will not remember things said or that happened since it fell off and wasn’t cataloged. Thus when someone else neurotypical said something happened they will quickly get testy since in their brain, it did not happen. They literally do not know what they do not know.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:11     Subject: Re:Incapable and Defensive Spouse
Anonymous wrote:It can’t be fixed unless your spouse acknowledges the problem.

Sloppily slop slop.
Hope he has a decent income so you or hired help can do or fix all the adult stuff he is incapable of.

Doesn’t matter if he’s a jerk, misogynist, ADHD/ ASD’er, narcissist, or dim witted, the outcome is the same: you can’t trust or rely on your spouse to do things or to do them right.

He has minimized himself. Decide if you can out your w this and for how long. Get therapy and for your kids lest they copy his lazy, inept, incompetent habits.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:09     Subject: Incapable and Defensive Spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Of course he’s going to get defensive. You describe him as “incapable” and there’s no way that doesn’t come through. Even if you’re just pointing out the mistakes he made (i.e. “you got regular coffee instead of decaf and nobody drinks decaf”) he picks up on your low opinion of him.


NP. So what’s the solution? (Similar things have happened in my house.)

If I don’t point out the difference between what I asked for and what he purchased, he won’t know to look for it next time. It’s not about blaming him for his past mistake, it’s just about preventing the same mistake going forward. But my spouse takes everything I say so negatively, like OP’s spouse. I’ve been reading about rejection sensitive dysphoria, which sometimes occurs with ADD. I think it may be that.


You don’t point out mistakes that have already been made. You set spouse up to succeed in the future. Next time you make a grocery list, you don’t write “coffee.” You write “Coffee - NO DECAF.”


And then what when they brings home decaf coffee anyway? At one point does OP get to stop managing their spouse like a five year old?


That’s up to OP to decide. Different people have different thresholds. Which does OP value more: having spouse do the grocery shopping or getting the exact groceries she wants?
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:07     Subject: Re:Incapable and Defensive Spouse
I would take over food buying, but not purchase anything that your spouse particularly wants. Just don’t buy anything for them, period. Don’t do anything for them. They sound exhausting.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:01     Subject: Incapable and Defensive Spouse
I don’t think skim vs 2% milk or ziti vs rigatoni raises to the issue of needing to return it (although I might get there with decaf!). Are you this particular about every task around your house?
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 14:48     Subject: Incapable and Defensive Spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Of course he’s going to get defensive. You describe him as “incapable” and there’s no way that doesn’t come through. Even if you’re just pointing out the mistakes he made (i.e. “you got regular coffee instead of decaf and nobody drinks decaf”) he picks up on your low opinion of him.


NP. So what’s the solution? (Similar things have happened in my house.)

If I don’t point out the difference between what I asked for and what he purchased, he won’t know to look for it next time. It’s not about blaming him for his past mistake, it’s just about preventing the same mistake going forward. But my spouse takes everything I say so negatively, like OP’s spouse. I’ve been reading about rejection sensitive dysphoria, which sometimes occurs with ADD. I think it may be that.


You don’t point out mistakes that have already been made. You set spouse up to succeed in the future. Next time you make a grocery list, you don’t write “coffee.” You write “Coffee - NO DECAF.”


And then what when they brings home decaf coffee anyway? At one point does OP get to stop managing their spouse like a five year old?
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 14:34     Subject: Incapable and Defensive Spouse
Anonymous wrote:I stopped expecting my husband to do half the grocery shopping and instead gave him more of the laundry. He would prefer to grocery shop but would either call me three times per trip or come home without critical items or with “great idea!” items that distracted him at the store. You have to play to the strengths of your teammate to make this work.

I disagree with the poster who says it’s your job to set them up for success— no it isn’t. You don’t get extra jobs because your spouse struggles, it is their job to review the list before departing, follow the list, read the package at the store, etc.


I never said it was anyone’s job to set up a spouse to succeed. I was responding to the poster who asked how else can you make sure the same mistakes aren’t repeated (besides pointing out all the mistakes after spouse comes home with the wrong items). I gave an example of another way. Personally, I rarely send spouse to store because it’s too infuriating, but if I have to, I give details such as get this flavor but not that one or I text him photos of the exact product. It creates more work for me (which is why I don’t do it often), but it does ensure I get exactly what I want.