We put away money so we can move into a retirement community where we can step from active to assisted to hospice, if/when needed.

Even if I had a gaggle of kids, I'd do that. As the only daughter and the only one without kids, there was a clear message that I was responsible for care when a parent got seriously ill. I was glad to be there for my parent, but the message that my siblings' lives were more important than mine was frustrating. Plan to pay for care, people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don’t have kids and this worries me for sure. But I did not want to spend twenty years of my life raising kids and pregnancy sounds terrifying to me. So I opted out. I am terrified for old age, but I did not think it was a good idea to have kids just do that reason.

That said, practically everyone I know just puts their parents in a nursing home anyway. How many people - well, white Americans anyway - do you know who live with their parents, or nearby enough and go by a few times a week? I don’t know anyone who does that.

Ps. My the tentative plan is to move into assisted living and literally pay each of my seven nieces and nephews to come visit me once or twice a year to help prevent or spot elder abuse. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t.

I hate to say it but if they are also doing elder care for their own parents, this probably won’t happen.

I have a net worth of fifteen million dollars, so they might.

Gross. Not everyone can be bought.

Speak for yourself. I am doing it for free right now and I would definitely go 2x a year AND I have administrative nursing home experience as well as medical assistant experience. I can be bought

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re smart, you move yourself into an adult community with services while you’re still in good shape.

This is our loose plan - childless poster.

Yes, I think this is the best case scenario. A continuing care retirement community with services, different levels of care, and staff who can fill a lot of these roles. But good places like that are expensive. The honest answer is many people without family support and/or money just grow increasingly isolated and neglect their health as they get older.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don’t have kids and this worries me for sure. But I did not want to spend twenty years of my life raising kids and pregnancy sounds terrifying to me. So I opted out. I am terrified for old age, but I did not think it was a good idea to have kids just do that reason.

That said, practically everyone I know just puts their parents in a nursing home anyway. How many people - well, white Americans anyway - do you know who live with their parents, or nearby enough and go by a few times a week? I don’t know anyone who does that.

It’s not so much about being the one who dies the day to day care,it’s more about being an advocate for your parent. For example, it’s usually the family members who notice the early signs of dementia and Alzheimer’s. If you’re on your own, things could get really bad before you’re in a position where you have to get help.

As someone going through this with my mom now, I have to admit it's something that worries me. I have an older friend who's asked me to be her medical advocate but I know there is no way that I will be as attuned to what is going on with her as I am with my parents - and I don't really have the bandwidth to try, even, honestly. (I have told her as much.)

When we get to be older - gd willing - I don't really know how we'll handle that. Perhaps given how many people haven't had kids, there will be better services and options in place. Or, we just run the risk of having worse ends of life because we chose not to have children. That seems possible, too. We traded the middle years we wanted for the possibility of worse later years.

Anonymous wrote:We are an international family and my parents are on a different continent. I am their only child. I really hope that nightmare scenario does not happen. I would do all in my power to go there and help them, but it's not the same as living close by.

I hope you're not a New Zealander. People like this can't get into the country.

DH has two older siblings who are in their 50s and never married. His family is large (he has 6 siblings) and nearly all live within 2hrs of each other (everyone except us!). They will be cares for by siblings and adult nieces and nephews, I assume. There are quite a few. Both of his older sibs have helped other sibs with care of nieces/nephews - lots of babysitting when the kids were small, very close relationship. And the large family helps- the load will be shared among many.

I do worry about a friend of mine, however. Only child, her parents will be gone soon. Really no extended family left either (her parents both came from small families as well). I don’t foresee her every marrying or even being in a LT relationship at this point. She has a LOT of close friends but will those friendships last to that degree? It’s a lot to ask of a friend. But I don’t know...

Our neighbor - who recently passed away - was in that situation. Her husband had passed away years ago so she was on her own. She had a home care worker, though seemed to cycle through a number of those as they can be unreliable. She had a financial and health care advisor. She had a niece and nephew form NY who would drop in about 1x ever 5-6 weeks to check in on her. Mainly, though, the responsibility fell to the neighbors in the area who would check in on her. She had lived here since 89 or so and had long standing relationships with most of the residents in our tight knit community. Two neighbors in particular checked in on her daily. I think they were named as beneficiaries in her will.

So if you are childless, you will need to be tight with your community, as they will have the most eyes on you when family does not live nearby.

My husband has a spinster aunt and the responsibility falls on his mom (her sister). My SIL is single and unlikely to ever get married and I'm very concerned that this is going to be our responsibility when she's old.

Anonymous wrote:As an ICU nurse, I see plenty of adult children that visit their ill parents but have little to do with their actual, physical care. Many adult children also live out of state.

But the much, much more common scenario, is that the advocating, care, etc., all falls onto one child (even in the most "normal" families) and there's conflict and resentment with that.

I hope this thread is not insinuating that people have children so that they can take care of them. It's like having a second child because you think your kids will be BFFs for life or because they need a sibling. There are no guarantees. The best thing you can do for yourself and for those that you love and love you is to have advanced directives in place. Be your own advocate while you can.

+1 to all of this. My mom had five siblings, and she STILL did almost all the work of caring for her mother. I have a brother, and I have always known that he will be totally useless when it comes to caring for our parents, while I live across the country and, while I will do whatever I can for them, I'm not well-placed to handle the day-to-day stuff. Thank goodness my parents are looking ahead and planning for the time when they can't live independently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may be a naive question -- but who advocates/cares for these folks once they are elderly?
Let's say they need to get to multiple doctors' appointments or go into hospital and need someone to advocate for them.
I assume some may have friends or family, but many people are busy with their own lives! Usually this task falls to adult children.
How have you seen it play out?

You're quite naive. Don't you think adult children also are busy with their own lives? It's more likely that spouses care for each other, and if not, you're on your own as you should expect anyway even if you are a parent. There are many examples of elderly people who are aging well and remain lucid. Think Fauci, Pelosi etc. 50 years ago, did you see anyone who was 80 and doing fine? Probably not because people back then weren't as knowledgeable about taking care of themselves as they do now. The best plan is to maximize your QOL for the maximum time you're alive and die a quick and short death at the end.

Absolutely. Plenty of people lived to be 80 and in decent shape. A lot of it is genetics, and then people who were active tended to be in pretty good shape for a long time. I have grandparents and great-grandparents who lived to a ripe old age, and were pretty independent for most of it.

That said, for people who don't have kids -- or whose kids didn't help take care of them, which also happens -- they had a spouse or niece/nephew or younger sibling or cousin or something help out, or someone from their church or neighborhood. Some moved themselves into retirement communities or assisted living early (for the convenience and companionship).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don’t have kids and this worries me for sure. But I did not want to spend twenty years of my life raising kids and pregnancy sounds terrifying to me. So I opted out. I am terrified for old age, but I did not think it was a good idea to have kids just do that reason.

That said, practically everyone I know just puts their parents in a nursing home anyway. How many people - well, white Americans anyway - do you know who live with their parents, or nearby enough and go by a few times a week? I don’t know anyone who does that.

We're White UMC Americans and my mom moved in with my sister after my father passed away earlier this year. Sister is divorced with a couple teenagers and when she purchased her most recent home it was intentionally with a first-floor bedroom, anticipating that one or both of our parents would eventually live with her. When my FIL was widowed his granddaughter moved in with him. My friend recently built an in-law suite on to her house for her mother to move in with them. It may not be the most common solution but intergenerational living can be a great option. Although still nursing home care may be needed for more serious issues.

I had a single, childless great-aunt and my mom handled all of her care issues. She had lived with my grandmother, her sister, for many years and she and my grandma were a pair. There was no question that coordinating her care was my mom's responsibility, along with her mother's.

Are you Italian?

Or at least, not WASPs?

We're WASPs but the friend with the IL suite is Filipino.

For my parent's care, my sister is a critical care nurse and she feels strongly about avoiding institutional care for as long as possible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don’t have kids and this worries me for sure. But I did not want to spend twenty years of my life raising kids and pregnancy sounds terrifying to me. So I opted out. I am terrified for old age, but I did not think it was a good idea to have kids just do that reason.

That said, practically everyone I know just puts their parents in a nursing home anyway. How many people - well, white Americans anyway - do you know who live with their parents, or nearby enough and go by a few times a week? I don’t know anyone who does that.

Ps. My the tentative plan is to move into assisted living and literally pay each of my seven nieces and nephews to come visit me once or twice a year to help prevent or spot elder abuse. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t.

I hate to say it but if they are also doing elder care for their own parents, this probably won’t happen.

I have a net worth of fifteen million dollars, so they might.

Gross. Not everyone can be bought.

I don't believe in heaven or karma. But thinking about who might step up to care for you in your old age should you lose the ability to care for yourself should be incentive enough for most people to treat others well while they can.

Sadly, I think many people don't think about this until it is too late. And I mean literally too late -- older people sometimes lose the capacity for kindness and care of others. They don't know how to fake it, either. You really need to treat people well when you are younger and have energy, and build those relationships. If you choose not to, it doesn't even matter if you have children or not -- no one will want to deal with when you are old and difficult. That's why people wind up in old folks homes with few visitors. People want to pretend it's because young people are callous and cruel and don't value their elders. But people love those who loved them first. You have to care for the younger generation in some real capacity if you expect them to want to care for you later. They might still do it out of obligation, but if you want real care, you must first provide it. Otherwise you are just a taker. The world doesn't owe you something you never offered to it.

As an ICU nurse, I see plenty of adult children that visit their ill parents but have little to do with their actual, physical care. Many adult children also live out of state.

But the much, much more common scenario, is that the advocating, care, etc., all falls onto one child (even in the most "normal" families) and there's conflict and resentment with that.

I hope this thread is not insinuating that people have children so that they can take care of them. It's like having a second child because you think your kids will be BFFs for life or because they need a sibling. There are no guarantees. The best thing you can do for yourself and for those that you love and love you is to have advanced directives in place. Be your own advocate while you can.

Anonymous wrote:This may be a naive question -- but who advocates/cares for these folks once they are elderly?
Let's say they need to get to multiple doctors' appointments or go into hospital and need someone to advocate for them.
I assume some may have friends or family, but many people are busy with their own lives! Usually this task falls to adult children.
How have you seen it play out?

You're quite naive. Don't you think adult children also are busy with their own lives? It's more likely that spouses care for each other, and if not, you're on your own as you should expect anyway even if you are a parent. There are many examples of elderly people who are aging well and remain lucid. Think Fauci, Pelosi etc. 50 years ago, did you see anyone who was 80 and doing fine? Probably not because people back then weren't as knowledgeable about taking care of themselves as they do now. The best plan is to maximize your QOL for the maximum time you're alive and die a quick and short death at the end.