Anonymous
02/20/2020 16:22
Subject: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
A scientist doing research on dolphins discovered that if he fed them a certain type of sea gull, they did not age at all. He kept his secret (and the dolphins) for many years, collecting all the sea gulls he could find while the dolphins continued to live forever, unchanged.
One day he went to the beach looking for more sea gulls, but there were none to be found. He had captured them all. So he went to the zoo, where he had heard that they kept a few specimens. He found their cage, snatched several chicks from their nest, and tried to beat a hasty exit from the zoo. On the way out, he snuck through the lion enclosure. Tiptoeing gingerly over a sleeping lion towards the door and freedom, he was immediately arrested and thrown in prison. The charge?
Wait for it......
Transporting underage gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
One day he went to the beach looking for more sea gulls, but there were none to be found. He had captured them all. So he went to the zoo, where he had heard that they kept a few specimens. He found their cage, snatched several chicks from their nest, and tried to beat a hasty exit from the zoo. On the way out, he snuck through the lion enclosure. Tiptoeing gingerly over a sleeping lion towards the door and freedom, he was immediately arrested and thrown in prison. The charge?
Wait for it......
Transporting underage gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Anonymous
02/20/2020 16:12
Subject: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
I worked at the U.S. Mint because it was the only job close by.
I didn't have a car, it was just the only thing that made cents at the time.
I didn't have a car, it was just the only thing that made cents at the time.
Anonymous
02/20/2020 15:10
Subject: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
If I'm fat but identify as slim,
does that mean I am trans slender?
does that mean I am trans slender?
Anonymous
02/20/2020 13:43
Subject: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
I proposed to my ex-wife, but she said no.
She believes I’m just after my money.
Anonymous
02/20/2020 13:34
Subject: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.
Her boyfriend would've helped, but he's out of town.
Her boyfriend would've helped, but he's out of town.
Anonymous
02/20/2020 05:35
Subject: Re:What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
I told her to get out of my fort.
Anonymous
02/20/2020 02:44
Subject: Re:What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
*
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
*
''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
*
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
*
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
*
There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
*
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
*
You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
*
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
*
(My favourites from a Facebook list. omg these are so funny to me. Especially the shitzu and Tom Jones ones).
I don't get the shih tzu one.
Shit zoo
Anonymous
02/20/2020 02:01
Subject: Re:What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
Anonymous wrote:A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
*
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
*
''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
*
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
*
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
*
There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
*
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
*
You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
*
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
*
(My favourites from a Facebook list. omg these are so funny to me. Especially the shitzu and Tom Jones ones).
I don't get the shih tzu one.
Anonymous
02/19/2020 23:16
Subject: Re:What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
*
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
*
''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
*
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
*
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
*
There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
*
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
*
You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
*
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
*
(My favourites from a Facebook list. omg these are so funny to me. Especially the shitzu and Tom Jones ones).
*
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
*
''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
*
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
*
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
*
There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
*
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
*
You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
*
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
*
(My favourites from a Facebook list. omg these are so funny to me. Especially the shitzu and Tom Jones ones).
Anonymous
02/19/2020 14:44
Subject: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
I believe this won a contest once as the best clean joke --
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Anonymous
02/19/2020 14:40
Subject: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
I was shocked when I came home and saw that the curtains were drawn.
Luckily, the rest of the furniture was real.
Luckily, the rest of the furniture was real.
Anonymous
02/19/2020 14:18
Subject: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
Anonymous wrote:Some say that I'm condescending.
That means I talk down to people.
Hahaha!
Anonymous
02/19/2020 14:17
Subject: Re:What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Solomon, an elderly Holocaust survivor, dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he asks to tell God a joke. God agrees and Solomon tells the Almighty a Holocaust joke. When he’s finished, God says "That's not funny." “I guess you had to be there,” Solomon says.
Is this joke "better" or more philosophical if Soloman says at the end..."I guess you should have been there." ?
I'm curious if English is your second language? The structure of the joke depends on your understanding of cliches/utterances like "guess you had to be there," and the double meaning it has when saying that TO GOD, about a horrible atrocity.
The joke is in the usually harmless quip "guess you had to be there."
Anonymous
02/19/2020 14:13
Subject: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
Two Italian men get on a bus, sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say to the other, "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say to the other, "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Anonymous
02/19/2020 13:59
Subject: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
I once visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...
I asked him, "Are you the friar?"
"No," he said, "I'm the chip monk."
I asked him, "Are you the friar?"
"No," he said, "I'm the chip monk."