Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 21:58     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex and intimacy for sure. Although oddly it's gone from a source of frustration to a source of complacency. I used to initiate all the time, and really get frustrated by the rejection. I finally gave up, truly have lost desire for my wife and the marriage feels oddly completely platonic now and fine. Not good but fine, like roommates who come and go but don't fight and sometimes have a good conversation.



I swear you just described my marriage. Maybe you are my DH


Maybe, but how do you keep your eye and heart from wandering? I don't want to leave you but darn I am so tempted and starved for affection I feel like jumping in bed with the first woman that is nice to me!
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 21:51     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Sex, although I am resigned to the fact that you can have sex or be in a long term marriage but not both (affairs are common for a reason). So I choose to stay married and "faithful" for the kids. And because according to that other whack-job thread, I must lead a celibate life or my kids will hate me.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 20:50     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.

I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.


I'm in a similar boat as we are both in our late 50's and I'm soon to retire and our children are out of the house and doing well on their own. We haven't had sex in five years and my wife has been very honest that that part of her life is behind her but she is really looking forward to all the fun things we can do in retirement given we have a very nice nest egg. I've given up arguing with her about the lack of a love life and any affection and I'm convinced she doesn't see that it is a big issue. I would have filed a couple of years ago but decided to wait until I retire and when I do it will be a big surprise to her. She is a nice person but I'd like someone who is more than a roommate.


Why do you want the divorce to be a surprise to someone you’ve been married to for decades? If you know now you will divorce her, why not communicate with her and give her a chance to work towards a solution unless you just want a divorce.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 20:32     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:so for 12:04 and 12:46, what does the emotional intimacy/connection look like for you? (genuinely asking)


I’ve heard it said that women give sex to get love, and men give love to get sex. A generalization, of course, but I find truth in it. When you’re dating, the sex is frequent and hot—men want that to last forever. The level of emotional engagement is usually “hot” too—deep conversation, genuine interest, disclosure, listening and curiosity. Women want that to last forever. In reality, of course, it all ebbs and flows, and kids, financial and household responsibilities eat up time and energy. But neither person in a couple wants the kind of intimacy they value to dry up entirely, and it’s all too easy to grow resentful when it does—and to think about what you’re not getting rather than how to break the impasse. Chicken and egg.

This is definitely one of the worst adolescent theories I've read on this site. You're like one step from becoming an incel, dude.


I disagree. What's adolescent or incel-like about that opinion? PP isn't saying (I don't think) that men don't need intimacy and women don't like sex. Just that one is often a proxy for the other, and both want their preferred form of intimacy to persist over time, which is difficult on both ends.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 18:27     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Sex and intimacy for sure. Although oddly it's gone from a source of frustration to a source of complacency. I used to initiate all the time, and really get frustrated by the rejection. I finally gave up, truly have lost desire for my wife and the marriage feels oddly completely platonic now and fine. Not good but fine, like roommates who come and go but don't fight and sometimes have a good conversation.



I swear you just described my marriage. Maybe you are my DH
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 17:21     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.

I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.


I'm in a similar boat as we are both in our late 50's and I'm soon to retire and our children are out of the house and doing well on their own. We haven't had sex in five years and my wife has been very honest that that part of her life is behind her but she is really looking forward to all the fun things we can do in retirement given we have a very nice nest egg. I've given up arguing with her about the lack of a love life and any affection and I'm convinced she doesn't see that it is a big issue. I would have filed a couple of years ago but decided to wait until I retire and when I do it will be a big surprise to her. She is a nice person but I'd like someone who is more than a roommate.

Meanwhile have fun with your affair partners while treating wife like the platonic room mate that she wants to be. Another sexless marriage saved by opening it.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 16:53     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
I'm now divorced because he never did his fair share of anything. I stopped sending holiday cards when he said he was too busy to address and write notes in the 20 cards going to his family. Expected me to do it. That was the last year I sent cards. The list goes on and on. I am so happy now. Last kids is in college.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 16:26     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Core issue is my spouse is an alcoholic.


That can be addressed. My mom is an alcoholic, the daughter of an alcoholic and the granddaughter of an alcoholic. Was headed to an early death. We intervened. That was 22 years ago and she is 78 and healthy and happy.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 16:00     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Core issue is my spouse is an alcoholic.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 15:48     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Sex and intimacy for sure. Although oddly it's gone from a source of frustration to a source of complacency. I used to initiate all the time, and really get frustrated by the rejection. I finally gave up, truly have lost desire for my wife and the marriage feels oddly completely platonic now and fine. Not good but fine, like roommates who come and go but don't fight and sometimes have a good conversation.



This. DW and I are on completely different wavelengths. I knew it when we married. She's the yin to my yang (and (I think) we work well together but we're emotionally vacant.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 15:23     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.

I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.


I'm in a similar boat as we are both in our late 50's and I'm soon to retire and our children are out of the house and doing well on their own. We haven't had sex in five years and my wife has been very honest that that part of her life is behind her but she is really looking forward to all the fun things we can do in retirement given we have a very nice nest egg. I've given up arguing with her about the lack of a love life and any affection and I'm convinced she doesn't see that it is a big issue. I would have filed a couple of years ago but decided to wait until I retire and when I do it will be a big surprise to her. She is a nice person but I'd like someone who is more than a roommate.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 14:57     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.

I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.


Yes, sexless marriages is normal especially after a woman raises kids and a man-child.
Looking back you should have considered her mental load.


Triple yep. So obvious. How on earth is being that helpless, useless, and stupid going to be sexually attractive?
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 14:55     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Core issue is my spouse is a bonafide idiot.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 12:38     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
this
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.

I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.


Yes, sexless marriages is normal especially after a woman raises kids and a man-child.
Looking back you should have considered her mental load.


and this:

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:His idea of dividing all the family responsibilities: I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest.


Yeah, essentially this for us, too. More like: I do what I feel like, when I feel like, and she'll do the rest.


Ha! I have told my husband that he is like the first roommate to move out. Takes a few of the bigger, obvious things, but then leaves all of the little crap that no one really wants, but which is somehow 80% of what is there.


I love this analogy. I was always the last roommate out and this is so true!


I know, right? I think that's why people always have such a difficult time describing what they do that takes so long.

Ok, so we packed up the kitchen, the books, and all of the clothes and moved the furniture out. That should be like 90% of it, right? It's like cooking, laundry, yardwork, and grocery shopping.

But somehow that's only like 20% of it. And when you go to describe what's left it all is stuff that's so overlooked that it sounds kind of crazy to complain about it. Well, I have the christmas decorations and have to clean out stuff under the bathroom sink, go through the garage, the sheets, towels, bedspreads, paintings on the walls... And everything you list just sounds like nothing compared to the big stuff. But somehow, by their power combined, the miscellaneous is more powerful than all of the big stuff put together.



I feel so seen right now. We've been together almost 13 years, married almost 5. We have a 2 year old. both DH and i work very hard at full time jobs, so this is where a lot of the stress emanates from.

if we don't figure out this division of labor i dont know how we are going to make it. i'm not even asking for 50/50. just something that feels equitable. 66/44, i'll take it.
https://www.npr.org/2019/05/12/722173367/all-the-rage-isn-t-about-moms-having-it-all-it-s-about-moms-doing-it-all

i'm catholic, so divorce is not an option. i'm starting to understand the appeal of separate bedrooms.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 12:32     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:His idea of dividing all the family responsibilities: I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest.


Yeah, essentially this for us, too. More like: I do what I feel like, when I feel like, and she'll do the rest.


Ha! I have told my husband that he is like the first roommate to move out. Takes a few of the bigger, obvious things, but then leaves all of the little crap that no one really wants, but which is somehow 80% of what is there.


I love this analogy. I was always the last roommate out and this is so true!


I know, right? I think that's why people always have such a difficult time describing what they do that takes so long.

Ok, so we packed up the kitchen, the books, and all of the clothes and moved the furniture out. That should be like 90% of it, right? It's like cooking, laundry, yardwork, and grocery shopping.

But somehow that's only like 20% of it. And when you go to describe what's left it all is stuff that's so overlooked that it sounds kind of crazy to complain about it. Well, I have the christmas decorations and have to clean out stuff under the bathroom sink, go through the garage, the sheets, towels, bedspreads, paintings on the walls... And everything you list just sounds like nothing compared to the big stuff. But somehow, by their power combined, the miscellaneous is more powerful than all of the big stuff put together.