Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 10:42     Subject: Re:WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
This was cruel. Btw, there’s a difference between being a helicopter parent and wanting bullies to be held accountable. If my kid was in on such a “prank,” I would want to know it. Parents who dismiss a-holish behaviors from their kids are the true helicopter parents/enablers.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 10:36     Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Again, thank you to everyone for talking this to with me -- all the responses have been helpful to help me formulate a going forward plan.

Just a quick note -- I guess it wasn't clear from my "heart-to-heart" post that contacting the Sports Star is off the table, either through social media or old-fashioned means. I like how a PP above said it -- zero footprint on the issue from our side.

Having said that, I have been monitoring daily the social media feeds of the Sports Star and can report to you all that there has been no mention of meeting JV Team on their feed despite a TON of other posts. It's been 8 days and nada, zero, zilch. It's actually been quite gratifying that what was so important to Arranger-Parent and the two Prankster/Bullies didn't merit even a whisper on SM for Sports Star.

Today is the day where I will likely cross paths with some parents and my stomach is a mess.


I don't understand how parents of teens get so involved in their kids' social lives like this. It's not healthy. YOU are clearly taking it personally and believe the parents were involved when really the simplest explanation is that the parents were either oblivious to your DD's absence (most people are pretty self involved and don't spend much time thinking about others as much as we assume they do) OR their DD's lied to them about why your DD was not there.

Why not just do the mature thing and talk to them about it like an adult?
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 10:23     Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
My advice today--if any parents ask why your daughter wasn't there, I'd just say "you'll have to ask your daughter why". Parents will know something is up and you aren't actually disclosing anything. Do not lie and do not gloss over.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 10:14     Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Op here. Again, thank you to everyone for talking this to with me -- all the responses have been helpful to help me formulate a going forward plan.

Just a quick note -- I guess it wasn't clear from my "heart-to-heart" post that contacting the Sports Star is off the table, either through social media or old-fashioned means. I like how a PP above said it -- zero footprint on the issue from our side.

Having said that, I have been monitoring daily the social media feeds of the Sports Star and can report to you all that there has been no mention of meeting JV Team on their feed despite a TON of other posts. It's been 8 days and nada, zero, zilch. It's actually been quite gratifying that what was so important to Arranger-Parent and the two Prankster/Bullies didn't merit even a whisper on SM for Sports Star.

Today is the day where I will likely cross paths with some parents and my stomach is a mess.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 09:51     Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
OP I agree that the coach needs to know, but unfortunately now that you’ve talked this out with your daughter multiple times and promised not to, you will hurt her trust in you if you do it now. You should have told her early on in the discussions that the coach needed to know because this undermines the team.

If your daughter is really the kind of person you describe, appeal to her sense of right and wrong, and that these girls will continue to do things like this to others if they are not checked now. Hopefully she will come around to telling the coach.

I also agree that you should stay out of social media on this completely, as it will backfire on your daughter. But, depending on what this star is like, and if they have a stance on bullying, you might reach out behind the scenes to their rep, and explain that the Star was made an unwitting accomplice to bullying, giving just the basic facts and asking them to keep your daughter’s name out of it. If the star doesn’t really care, nothing will come of it. If they do, they can make a generic post about bullying and how it undermines a team. Unfortunately I doubt these two main girls will learn, but other girls on this team and others will think twice before participating in something like this again.

I’m so sorry for your daughter. Being the target of something like this is so hurtful, so much moreso from “friends.” Those girls are straight up bitches.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 09:49     Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:OP - whatever you do, do not engage anyone about this on social media. Not the other children and certainly not the star. Other people would see it, and find a way to humiliate your daughter once again. DO NOT ENGAGE on social media. Seriously.


This is important advice.

I’m one of the people who suggested reaching out to the sports star. I meant doing something like emailing their publicist or even trying to email the star directly. I didn’t realize until I saw OPs follow up that she was thinking about reaching out on social media. NO, NO, NO. That will make things worse. If OP does reach out to the sports star privately, it has to be with the understanding that sports star did a absolutely nothing wrong to her daughter. When I read OPs draft of an Instagram post my first reaction was “Wow! Way to alianate a possible ally!” Your daughter’s teammates bullied her terribly. The sports star was is only guilty of making time for young fans.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 09:37     Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP - whatever you do, do not engage anyone about this on social media. Not the other children and certainly not the star. Other people would see it, and find a way to humiliate your daughter once again. DO NOT ENGAGE on social media. Seriously.


I agree with this. Social media is forever. It’s much better to have zero footprint.


+1
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 09:31     Subject: Re:WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Yep, no social media. It will make you look silly and not serious. Best course of action is approaching the coach.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 09:31     Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.


And the mom of the prankster chimes in.



+100 It definitely seems from the posts that at least one of the "pranksters" or her mother has found this thread and is trying to prevent repercussions for her (and the others') bad acts by attacking other posters thinking that this will prevent OP from contacting the coach and principal. The act OP describes rises well above prank and is definitely bullying. It needs to be reported and handled. If I were OP I would take the ferocity of the rebuttal comments into consideration because they certainly seem to point to a rising hostility level that needs to be quickly mitigated by the school.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 09:29     Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:OP - whatever you do, do not engage anyone about this on social media. Not the other children and certainly not the star. Other people would see it, and find a way to humiliate your daughter once again. DO NOT ENGAGE on social media. Seriously.


I agree with this. Social media is forever. It’s much better to have zero footprint.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 09:26     Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:OP - whatever you do, do not engage anyone about this on social media. Not the other children and certainly not the star. Other people would see it, and find a way to humiliate your daughter once again. DO NOT ENGAGE on social media. Seriously.


Agree. Nothing on social media. However OP as the adult you need to do the right thing and tell the school and coach about this. Keeping it a secret is not healthy for your daughter. Do not approach the parents of the girls about it though. If they have any scruples they will reach out to you and hopefully apologize profusely and make their daughters apologize.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 09:17     Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:OP, I’d tweet at the famous person that the girls got to meet, and tell him/her what happened. If the person is a decent person, they might come meet your DD personally, which would really show up those mean girls, and the joke would be on them.


Nooooooo don’t do this


Getting involved and naming names on SM or the media will turn this bump in the road into a mountain, as the girls’ parents will inevitably get defensive and lawyer up and the girls themselves will make your DD’s life at school hell on earth. Guarantee.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 08:31     Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've had a chance to read the entire thread. It has been so helpful, thank you all. A couple of things:

First, thank you to everyone who suggested that the Honor Code might have been violated. I would never have thought of that. I've read and re-read the code and do think it applies here. Now it is just a matter of whether I broach the school about it (still do not have permission to do so from DD).

Second, thank you all for the suggestions about contacting the unwitting sports star. I would never have thought of that either. I've looked up their Instagram feed to see whether there was a post along the lines of "Had a wonderful time meeting JV Team" but haven't seen anything yet. I think it would be appropriate then to say something like, "Hey, just so you know, you didn't actually meet with JV Team but, rather, JV Team minus one member who was pranked out of getting to meet you. Can you please change your post to reflect that you "Just met with A GROUP OF GIRLS who play X Sport because leaving post the way it is is hurtful to my DD."

Finally, many of you have wondered why my DD was targeted to begin with and not another girl on the team. I've been wondering the same thing everyday for the last week. DD was the girl that all the girls turned to for advice or help with homework. DD always had an extra item if someone forgot theirs and would willingly give it up. DD always smoothed over awkward situations in the locker room. DD always was the peacemaker. Since this is the first time (that I know of) that the Pranksters have pulled something like this, the best theory I have is that the two Pranksters decided that they wanted to pull a prank and consciously or perhaps unconsciously figured that my DD was the safest target, that she would be the most likely to say "yup, that was funny" and not get angry. Also may have figured that other teammates have parents who are more vocal, more chummy with coach or are downright helicopter-ish and wouldn't stand for it. That's the best I've got. We were really blindsided, as I've said before.


Um no that’s not the reason. Teen girls’ brains don’t work this way. The queen bee girl wanted revenge on her for some reason. Probably a boy involved.


The parents of these girls are total assholes. I don't know them but sancationing, encouraging, and going along with this so-called prank was an asshole, mean girl move. You cannot dress it up and put a bow on it. If your daughter doesn't want to report them, that's her choice. I was a very good athlete, made varsity and became a starter, beating out one of the co-captains. The co-captain and one of her friends began targeting me and I stood up to them. I directly called them out on their crap and did so in a way that they never tried anything for the rest of high school. They knew that I was not going to stand for it. Mean people suck and those parents and their kids are mean. I would factually tell people what happened. When people show you who they are believe them.


^I totally agree with this move--stand up for yourself and make sure people know you won't take their shit. Bullies get away with their behavior b/c weaker "friends" don't stand up to them b/c they don't want to get targeted.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 08:31     Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I’d tweet at the famous person that the girls got to meet, and tell him/her what happened. If the person is a decent person, they might come meet your DD personally, which would really show up those mean girls, and the joke would be on them.


Yes, this!


Actually, you shouldn’t do it, your daughter should.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2018 08:30     Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:OP, I’d tweet at the famous person that the girls got to meet, and tell him/her what happened. If the person is a decent person, they might come meet your DD personally, which would really show up those mean girls, and the joke would be on them.


Yes, this!