DCUM Forum

Anonymous

03/22/2018 17:45 Subject: wife keeps her name

Anonymous wrote:My comment was snarky yes but I really see that as the defining aspect of it being my family vs just a baby daddy.

If the wife doesn't have my name and the kids don't have my name, the who the hell am I?

Their father?

Anonymous

03/22/2018 17:41 Subject: wife keeps her name

My comment was snarky yes but I really see that as the defining aspect of it being my family vs just a baby daddy.

If the wife doesn't have my name and the kids don't have my name, the who the hell am I?

Anonymous

03/22/2018 17:38 Subject: wife keeps her name

Anonymous wrote:Me. That was a condition of marrying me. Kids have my last name. Otherwise I might as well just knock her up and maybe play dad some weekends, maybe not some other weekends.

No snark, I just can't imagine equating your children having your wife's name with being a part-time parent. Admittedly, I live in the liberal enclave of NWDC but I know five families just off the top of my head where either all (or some) of the kids have the wife's last name. By all accounts, these kids have full-time dads.

Anonymous

03/22/2018 17:36 Subject: wife keeps her name

I think you are imagining that I meant something a lot more old fashioned than I in fact meant. I don't think a man having HOH status (along with his wife and kids taking his last name) suggests that he gets to make all the decisions all the time. But it does indicate ultimate responsibility for the family. For example, my husband's job is the "big" job. It determined where we would live, and he spends a lot more time on it than I spend on my job. This "privilege" comes with responsibility. He manages his career in large part according to the needs of the family. He wouldn't travel around unnecessarily to our detriment. He wouldn't take a new role somewhere that wouldn't be good for us. He wouldn't ratchet down on a whim because we have financial goals as a family. This is a lot of pressure and responsibility, and I, for one, am damn grateful that I don't have it on my shoulders.

Now, if I had a very ambitious and talented daughter who herself wanted (and showed talent for) a "big" job, I would encourage it. But this is rare, even though it might not seem so to you if you live within a tiny subpopulation of self-selected over achievers.

Every time you post I think you might be getting it or not be as bad as I think then you drop something like that in there at the end

Anonymous

03/22/2018 17:33 Subject: wife keeps her name

Me. That was a condition of marrying me. Kids have my last name. Otherwise I might as well just knock her up and maybe play dad some weekends, maybe not some other weekends.

Anonymous

03/22/2018 17:31 Subject: Re:wife keeps her name

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really like Chrissy Teigen's take on this.

http://time.com/5211049/chrissy-teigen-john-legend-last-name/

As far as husband's views - my DH is not on DCUM but he never thought that I would change my name and he also expects that DD won't either. Not because of the patriarchy but because these are our names just like his name is his own.

So why did DD get his name and not your name?

I'm assuming because her husband would have refused to marry her if the kids didn't have his last name, and she decided she'd rather be married and start a family than start all over again trying to find someone who is ok with that idea.

I read sh*t like this and I am grateful for my easygoing husband. Who would refuse to marry someone over this?

Anonymous

03/22/2018 17:31 Subject: wife keeps her name

Are there really women who still change their names upon marriage?

Apart from those marrying into the Royal family, of course.

Anonymous

03/22/2018 17:31 Subject: Re:wife keeps her name

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really like Chrissy Teigen's take on this.

http://time.com/5211049/chrissy-teigen-john-legend-last-name/

As far as husband's views - my DH is not on DCUM but he never thought that I would change my name and he also expects that DD won't either. Not because of the patriarchy but because these are our names just like his name is his own.

So why did DD get his name and not your name?

I'm assuming because her husband would have refused to marry her if the kids didn't have his last name, and she decided she'd rather be married and start a family than start all over again trying to find someone who is ok with that idea.

Nope - DD has his name and DS has mine! I chose DD's first name and DH chose DS's first name.

Anonymous

03/22/2018 17:28 Subject: Re:wife keeps her name

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really like Chrissy Teigen's take on this.

http://time.com/5211049/chrissy-teigen-john-legend-last-name/

As far as husband's views - my DH is not on DCUM but he never thought that I would change my name and he also expects that DD won't either. Not because of the patriarchy but because these are our names just like his name is his own.

So why did DD get his name and not your name?

I'm assuming because her husband would have refused to marry her if the kids didn't have his last name, and she decided she'd rather be married and start a family than start all over again trying to find someone who is ok with that idea.

Anonymous

03/22/2018 17:27 Subject: wife keeps her name

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are women expected to do it a show of commitment to the marriage and family, and love for their husbands? I don't know. Why are men expected to buy a ridiculously expensive engagement ring? I guess some traditions are just worth keeping, am I right, ladies?

Checkmate

Except that not all of us even want a ridiculously expensive engagement ring. I certainly didn't. What a dumb thing to blow money on.

The cost of the engagement ring is not relevant. The point is, an engagement ring, even a $500 ring, is an antiquated tradition that most women still insist on.

Between DH and I, you know who wanted to buy the engagement ring? DH, because he didn't want to look like a loser who couldn't afford a ring. I thought that was crazy but he insisted.

Anonymous

03/22/2018 17:25 Subject: Re:wife keeps her name

Anonymous wrote:I really like Chrissy Teigen's take on this.

http://time.com/5211049/chrissy-teigen-john-legend-last-name/

As far as husband's views - my DH is not on DCUM but he never thought that I would change my name and he also expects that DD won't either. Not because of the patriarchy but because these are our names just like his name is his own.

So why did DD get his name and not your name?

Anonymous

03/22/2018 17:25 Subject: wife keeps her name

Anonymous wrote:

It's very simple, really. Leadership is a service and a responsibility. It does not imply one person is better than the other. Does being a parent imply the parent is better than the child? And no, I am in no way implying that a husband is the parent of a wife, which would be a very large power imbalance.

Functioning systems all have some measure of hierarchy. Grow up, really. Or go live in a commune where everyone has exactly the same role and responsibilities and see how that works out for you.

DP. Leadership implies that one person is the leader and one is the follower. It's an odd dynamic to have in a marriage. Now, it's true that in most marriages, one person is the "leader" in certain areas of daily life, but not in ALL things. One person might take the lead on finances, the other might take the lead on education for the kids, etc. But it sounds like your DH is the leader in every respect when it comes to your marriage and family. That means you are the follower. It's a very old-fashioned way to approach marriage. Why can't you ALSO be a leader in some respects? It's not mutually exclusive. I also wonder what kind of example you are setting for your children. How can you ever expect them, especially any daughters you may have, to become leaders when you are deferring that role to your DH?

I think you are imagining that I meant something a lot more old fashioned than I in fact meant. I don't think a man having HOH status (along with his wife and kids taking his last name) suggests that he gets to make all the decisions all the time. But it does indicate ultimate responsibility for the family. For example, my husband's job is the "big" job. It determined where we would live, and he spends a lot more time on it than I spend on my job. This "privilege" comes with responsibility. He manages his career in large part according to the needs of the family. He wouldn't travel around unnecessarily to our detriment. He wouldn't take a new role somewhere that wouldn't be good for us. He wouldn't ratchet down on a whim because we have financial goals as a family. This is a lot of pressure and responsibility, and I, for one, am damn grateful that I don't have it on my shoulders.

Now, if I had a very ambitious and talented daughter who herself wanted (and showed talent for) a "big" job, I would encourage it. But this is rare, even though it might not seem so to you if you live within a tiny subpopulation of self-selected over achievers.