Regardless of what this feels like to you right now, know that you've just taught your wife that the price of getting her way to is to just do whatever she wants and cry a lot and consistently when questioned. This lesson should help you with raising your children. Don't know about grown adults, though.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. A lot of it is that my DW made a lot of decisions in a very passive way without my input. She stopped job hunting after leaving a job she didn't like. She just felt it was impossible to get hired pregnant. And with daycare cost, it was a wash. So, she just made the decision to stop working or looking and that was that. There are jobs she'd be qualified for but she just isn't willing to do the work to hustle for them like she used to.

But I really liked our daycare. Our older thrived and our younger one really would benefit from being in a more structured environment. I actually would have been happier taking a small loss and having the kids go because our time together would be quality time and our time apart would be spent furthering ourselves professionally as adults. And truthfully, the wear and tear on home would be so much less because we'd all be gone for large parts of the day. I can tell you right now the house is a mess and will be until this weekend when I will spend it doing a deep cleaning.

I just think that the decision was a bad one and when I try to bring it up, I get tears, demands that she needs a break and wants to just be a mom as her job (I just point our being a parent isn't a job so much as a role in a family. You don't stop being a mom just because you work). Financially, it's stupid for us to not both be working. We aren't saving for retirement beyond my 401k and we aren't saving for the kids' college or anything beyond a few months of emergency saving. That stresses me out.

I actually started therapy to deal with my resentment. It helped but the therapist mentioned that this might just be a phase. So I wanted to see if anyone else went through this...

So, with just one kid in daycare, her working would have been a wash. With one kid in preschool and one kid in daycare, it will be an ever bigger loss of income. So you will have even less to save for retirement, etc.....wouldn't that stress you out even more? It sounds like your family is better off with her being a SAHM until both your kids are in public school, and then hopefully she can go back to work. Have you actually talked to her about it, and if so, what did she say?

Anonymous wrote:
First of all, daycare is an expense counted against BOTH parents' salaries. Not hers, not his, BOTH. So it's not "her" salary paying daycare costs; it is the household income paying those costs.

Second: Working is about more than today's take-home pay. It is about retirement benefits, healthcare, an investment in one's career (which pays off in higher earnings as time goes by). The list goes on. And daycare is a short-term proposition, relative to one's career. Yes, it is expensive and eats into income - we were in the red for several years when we had both a nanny and part-time preschool - but that is only for a few years. In the longer run, that becomes negligible vis-a-vis the income that a parent who continues to work earns compared to what s/he would have earned had s/he left the workforce.

OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

Anonymous wrote:

OK, OP, but PLEASE use birth control. No more kids with your wife!!

Why do you think having any more or not having any more would make a difference. The issue wasn't even the kids. It was that the DW made a family decision without telling her DH and left him with the fallout of that decision.

OK, OP, but PLEASE use birth control. No more kids with your wife!!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've only read the first and last pages of this thread, but you sound like you need some perspective. The fact that your wife organizes and does crafts with your kids is infinitely more important than a load of laundry getting done and the floor being scrubbed. This comes from a person whose mother never spent any time with her because she was too busy cooking and cleaning. I would've appreciated delivery and an hour to actually talk with my mother over her being "good" at being a SAHM.

Absolutely. Take this to heart op.

OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

Anonymous wrote:

I actually felt tmy marriage was stronger when we both worked and both parented together. Everything is just so lopsided right now. That's the best way I can describe it.

OP, mommy wars aside, this is your problem. How are you going to fix this?