I have read the entire 20 pages because I am somewhere I must be and I’m bored. The majority of posters find this abnormal and would be disappointed and questions their relationship with the new mom sibling. A few vocal and prolific posters argue this is normal and patrolled this thread like their own little internet fiefdom. But if you take these one or two extremely prolific posters away, most people think it’s pretty rare to withhold a pregnancy from a sibling.

There are plenty of things we don’t know from the OP. Are they sisters? Do each have other kids? How many people are on the chat? Which other family members knew about the pregnancy? Is there a history of violence, abuse, alcoholism, estrangement, in this family? What is the age difference in the siblings? Was this an unwanted pregnancy? Was there previous loss or infertility? Was it surrogacy or adoption? There are others but those come to mind first.

After reading this I have more questions that answers because OP didn’t provide enough info to make a real judgment. OP may be a jerk who cut off contact with a sibling who wanted privacy due to prior loss or OP may have freed themselves for a sibling who has played games for years and this was the final straw. We simply don’t know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You are the one who is obtuse. She is not sad about the baby; she is sad about the poor state of her relationship with her sibling, which she thought was fine until that moment.

This is not true. It is a "always been nothing but drama" relationship. You were led to believe it was "fine" because OP is withholding/trickling information, giving us whatever narrative she needs for her validation.

We are not estranged. We exchange texts about twice a week.

That sounds fine.

[She] has always been nothing but drama and I should have done it long ago to be honest.

Not fine.

Now it's not fine. OP didn't disclose this in the beginning, because it would have called into question the validity of her sibling not telling her about a pregnancy. This tells you everything you need to know about OPs involvement in this drama.

It doesn't really, unless you are making a lot of assumptions or know the family involved. Do you?

Everything we need to know is that we have one bitter participant in a long-standing mutual feud. And based on the responses, this person is only here for validation, not perspective; this person is withholding and misleading; this person is creating hostility for other family members who aren't involved. Yes we have plenty of insight here to make these assumptions.

+1 totally agree with you PP except these are not assumptions but observations

Anonymous wrote:This is a true story - my best friend's younger brother was dating a girl just out of college and one night she went to the hospital because she said she had a really bad stomach flu and the doctors told her she was pregnant and they delivered the baby that day (healthy, no complications). She said SHE HAD NO IDEA she was pregnant. She had gained some weight but not a ton and it was winter so clothes were layered and baggy.

No idea if this is what's going on in your situation, but this is not unheard of.

Years ago I saw a similar story on I believe Oprah. The mother was a *nurse* and already had a kid. She had no idea the entire pregnancy with her 2nd baby. I think her cycles were already irregular so that wasn't a clue. She didn't gain much weight this time and out came a full size newborn!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

Nope, just because you're related to someone doesn't mean they owe you some different kind of duty. You sound like a nightmare.

OP here. That’s fine. But it’s also why I will no longer treat this person like family.

It doesn’t sound like this will reflect much of a change. You don’t see them often, you’re not in close communication. Why are you making a drama of the status quo?

It's their way to cope, presumably.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

Nope, just because you're related to someone doesn't mean they owe you some different kind of duty. You sound like a nightmare.

OP here. That’s fine. But it’s also why I will no longer treat this person like family.

It doesn’t sound like this will reflect much of a change. You don’t see them often, you’re not in close communication. Why are you making a drama of the status quo?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is excused for asking at first if it was a joke. But once she realized it wasn't, removing herself from the group chat/facetime was rude. And describing here that she "sadly" realized it wasn't a joke, is all we need to hear to figure out why the sister didn't share her pregnancy news in the first place.

Removing herself from the chat confirms that the sister (who OP says is prone to "drama") made the right call to keep OP at a distance.

It also sounds like OP and the sibling being in "regular contact" the last 6 months was probably both being on the group chat, not them calling each other weekly, or texting each other every few days about what the kids are up to.

You are the one who is obtuse. She is not sad about the baby; she is sad about the poor state of her relationship with her sibling, which she thought was fine until that moment.

OP here. Thank you. This is exactly it. I wasn’t sad the baby was born of course, but sad that my sister didn’t think to tell me before it happened. Because of that choice, I have sadly realized that the relationship I thought we had is nonexistent, and I will no longer be in touch with this person. I will redirect the energy and resources into the other children in my life whose parents value our relationship. Thank you for understanding the situation as I described it and not misconstruing my words.

OP is no-contacting the new family member who has nothing to do with this. Nothing. This child is entirely innocent; except in the unhinged judgement of OP.

This just lends more credibility to the theory that the sibling's actions had justification.

OP here. I am simply not willing to allow this sibling to control mu access to her child going forward. Obviously I would prefer a relationship with her child, but I am not going to beg for it or put any more energy into it. She has shown me how little she values our relationship, so I will accept that and move on. It’s fine, there are plenty of other worthy recipients of my time and money.

Whatever helps you sleep. You have your own work to do if you think it's normal to hold resentment and cut off siblings.

OP here. I think the choice was made for me. Why should I sweat it? Plenty of other people in my life tbh. I’m sleeping just fine.

There's no doubt you "think" the choice was made for you. It's not reality, but nobody with any sense is expecting reality to inform your decisions.

OP here. I am fully aware that the decision was mine, and I am happy to have made it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

Nope, just because you're related to someone doesn't mean they owe you some different kind of duty. You sound like a nightmare.

OP here. That’s fine. But it’s also why I will no longer treat this person like family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d go no or low contact with this sibling as they clearly don’t value a relationship with you.

Wow. You’re exactly the kind of person people hide a pregnancy from.

+1

These people insist on knowing IF you are pregnant, WHEN you will become pregnant, WHERE you are in your family planning, WHY you are not pregnant, HOW many pregnancies you are planning.

These people are insufferable and need to be shut down in the most direct way possible.

I think the real horror is that these people think another person’s feelings— possible loss, grief, pain and recovery should all be subordinate to their “need” to know about a baby not yet born. It’s basically the definition of malignant narcissism.

This is OP's sibling. If you feel like you can't tell your parents or siblings that you're pregnant that is a really sad and unusual situation. Let your family help with your feelings, good and bad. You and your child will be better off in most cases (barring an abusive family situation).

The bolded is ridiculous for many (most?) families even if they have loving relationships. There is so much untreated anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues - among all generations in this country but especially the current grandparent generation. Just because you love your family and enjoy time with them, does not mean they are equipped to "help with your feelings." And if you don't want to tell the grandparents then you can't tell your siblings.

Plus, pregnancy brings out all kinds of weird buried stuff. I had otherwise normal family members ringing my doorbell to "see with their own eyes" that I was ok while on bed rest. Completely counterproductive.

Sorry but I don’t think it’s accurate about most families. No family is perfect, but most people do tell their families that they’re pregnant before giving birth and most do get love and support, even though that love and support might not be demonstrated in a way that is 100% how you would prefer it. Would you really expect your own child not to tell you if they were having a baby? I feel like I’m being trolled.

People are saying you can EXPECT your own child to tell you if they were having a baby but you don't get the DEMAND that they do. It isn't about you. Say that as many times as you need to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is excused for asking at first if it was a joke. But once she realized it wasn't, removing herself from the group chat/facetime was rude. And describing here that she "sadly" realized it wasn't a joke, is all we need to hear to figure out why the sister didn't share her pregnancy news in the first place.

Removing herself from the chat confirms that the sister (who OP says is prone to "drama") made the right call to keep OP at a distance.

It also sounds like OP and the sibling being in "regular contact" the last 6 months was probably both being on the group chat, not them calling each other weekly, or texting each other every few days about what the kids are up to.

You are the one who is obtuse. She is not sad about the baby; she is sad about the poor state of her relationship with her sibling, which she thought was fine until that moment.

OP here. Thank you. This is exactly it. I wasn’t sad the baby was born of course, but sad that my sister didn’t think to tell me before it happened. Because of that choice, I have sadly realized that the relationship I thought we had is nonexistent, and I will no longer be in touch with this person. I will redirect the energy and resources into the other children in my life whose parents value our relationship. Thank you for understanding the situation as I described it and not misconstruing my words.

OP is no-contacting the new family member who has nothing to do with this. Nothing. This child is entirely innocent; except in the unhinged judgement of OP.

This just lends more credibility to the theory that the sibling's actions had justification.

OP here. I am simply not willing to allow this sibling to control mu access to her child going forward. Obviously I would prefer a relationship with her child, but I am not going to beg for it or put any more energy into it. She has shown me how little she values our relationship, so I will accept that and move on. It’s fine, there are plenty of other worthy recipients of my time and money.

Whatever helps you sleep. You have your own work to do if you think it's normal to hold resentment and cut off siblings.

OP here. I think the choice was made for me. Why should I sweat it? Plenty of other people in my life tbh. I’m sleeping just fine.

There's no doubt you "think" the choice was made for you. It's not reality, but nobody with any sense is expecting reality to inform your decisions.

Anonymous wrote:Has she had prior losses? I know people who told no one after they had loss(es) until the baby was born alive and home.

After two losses I didn't tell anyone except mother in law father in law and my dad we were expecting. Did this for both my girls. Told everyone once they were born and ok. His cousin was annoyed. Guess she thinks she is his sister but I don't care. The trauma of miscarriage was too much for me. My uterus my decision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d go no or low contact with this sibling as they clearly don’t value a relationship with you.

Wow. You’re exactly the kind of person people hide a pregnancy from.

+1

These people insist on knowing IF you are pregnant, WHEN you will become pregnant, WHERE you are in your family planning, WHY you are not pregnant, HOW many pregnancies you are planning.

These people are insufferable and need to be shut down in the most direct way possible.

I think the real horror is that these people think another person’s feelings— possible loss, grief, pain and recovery should all be subordinate to their “need” to know about a baby not yet born. It’s basically the definition of malignant narcissism.

This is OP's sibling. If you feel like you can't tell your parents or siblings that you're pregnant that is a really sad and unusual situation. Let your family help with your feelings, good and bad. You and your child will be better off in most cases (barring an abusive family situation).

The bolded is ridiculous for many (most?) families even if they have loving relationships. There is so much untreated anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues - among all generations in this country but especially the current grandparent generation. Just because you love your family and enjoy time with them, does not mean they are equipped to "help with your feelings." And if you don't want to tell the grandparents then you can't tell your siblings.

Plus, pregnancy brings out all kinds of weird buried stuff. I had otherwise normal family members ringing my doorbell to "see with their own eyes" that I was ok while on bed rest. Completely counterproductive.

Sorry but I don’t think it’s accurate about most families. No family is perfect, but most people do tell their families that they’re pregnant before giving birth and most do get love and support, even though that love and support might not be demonstrated in a way that is 100% how you would prefer it. Would you really expect your own child not to tell you if they were having a baby? I feel like I’m being trolled.

People are saying you can EXPECT your own child to tell you if they were having a baby but you don't get the DEMAND that they do. It isn't about you. Say that as many times as you need to.

Yessss. Again from the back, slow clap. You nailed it big time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is excused for asking at first if it was a joke. But once she realized it wasn't, removing herself from the group chat/facetime was rude. And describing here that she "sadly" realized it wasn't a joke, is all we need to hear to figure out why the sister didn't share her pregnancy news in the first place.

Removing herself from the chat confirms that the sister (who OP says is prone to "drama") made the right call to keep OP at a distance.

It also sounds like OP and the sibling being in "regular contact" the last 6 months was probably both being on the group chat, not them calling each other weekly, or texting each other every few days about what the kids are up to.

You are the one who is obtuse. She is not sad about the baby; she is sad about the poor state of her relationship with her sibling, which she thought was fine until that moment.

OP here. Thank you. This is exactly it. I wasn’t sad the baby was born of course, but sad that my sister didn’t think to tell me before it happened. Because of that choice, I have sadly realized that the relationship I thought we had is nonexistent, and I will no longer be in touch with this person. I will redirect the energy and resources into the other children in my life whose parents value our relationship. Thank you for understanding the situation as I described it and not misconstruing my words.

OP is no-contacting the new family member who has nothing to do with this. Nothing. This child is entirely innocent; except in the unhinged judgement of OP.

This just lends more credibility to the theory that the sibling's actions had justification.

OP here. I am simply not willing to allow this sibling to control mu access to her child going forward. Obviously I would prefer a relationship with her child, but I am not going to beg for it or put any more energy into it. She has shown me how little she values our relationship, so I will accept that and move on. It’s fine, there are plenty of other worthy recipients of my time and money.

If you are incapable of resolving this incident - or setting it aside - to start a new relationship with a new family member, then you avoiding the child is probably best for the child.

OP here. I agree. That is my plan. Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is excused for asking at first if it was a joke. But once she realized it wasn't, removing herself from the group chat/facetime was rude. And describing here that she "sadly" realized it wasn't a joke, is all we need to hear to figure out why the sister didn't share her pregnancy news in the first place.

Removing herself from the chat confirms that the sister (who OP says is prone to "drama") made the right call to keep OP at a distance.

It also sounds like OP and the sibling being in "regular contact" the last 6 months was probably both being on the group chat, not them calling each other weekly, or texting each other every few days about what the kids are up to.

You are the one who is obtuse. She is not sad about the baby; she is sad about the poor state of her relationship with her sibling, which she thought was fine until that moment.

OP here. Thank you. This is exactly it. I wasn’t sad the baby was born of course, but sad that my sister didn’t think to tell me before it happened. Because of that choice, I have sadly realized that the relationship I thought we had is nonexistent, and I will no longer be in touch with this person. I will redirect the energy and resources into the other children in my life whose parents value our relationship. Thank you for understanding the situation as I described it and not misconstruing my words.

OP is no-contacting the new family member who has nothing to do with this. Nothing. This child is entirely innocent; except in the unhinged judgement of OP.

This just lends more credibility to the theory that the sibling's actions had justification.

OP here. I am simply not willing to allow this sibling to control mu access to her child going forward. Obviously I would prefer a relationship with her child, but I am not going to beg for it or put any more energy into it. She has shown me how little she values our relationship, so I will accept that and move on. It’s fine, there are plenty of other worthy recipients of my time and money.

Whatever helps you sleep. You have your own work to do if you think it's normal to hold resentment and cut off siblings.

OP here. I think the choice was made for me. Why should I sweat it? Plenty of other people in my life tbh. I’m sleeping just fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d go no or low contact with this sibling as they clearly don’t value a relationship with you.

Wow. You’re exactly the kind of person people hide a pregnancy from.

+1

These people insist on knowing IF you are pregnant, WHEN you will become pregnant, WHERE you are in your family planning, WHY you are not pregnant, HOW many pregnancies you are planning.

These people are insufferable and need to be shut down in the most direct way possible.

I think the real horror is that these people think another person’s feelings— possible loss, grief, pain and recovery should all be subordinate to their “need” to know about a baby not yet born. It’s basically the definition of malignant narcissism.

This is OP's sibling. If you feel like you can't tell your parents or siblings that you're pregnant that is a really sad and unusual situation. Let your family help with your feelings, good and bad. You and your child will be better off in most cases (barring an abusive family situation).

The bolded is ridiculous for many (most?) families even if they have loving relationships. There is so much untreated anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues - among all generations in this country but especially the current grandparent generation. Just because you love your family and enjoy time with them, does not mean they are equipped to "help with your feelings." And if you don't want to tell the grandparents then you can't tell your siblings.

Plus, pregnancy brings out all kinds of weird buried stuff. I had otherwise normal family members ringing my doorbell to "see with their own eyes" that I was ok while on bed rest. Completely counterproductive.

Sorry but I don’t think it’s accurate about most families. No family is perfect, but most people do tell their families that they’re pregnant before giving birth and most do get love and support, even though that love and support might not be demonstrated in a way that is 100% how you would prefer it. Would you really expect your own child not to tell you if they were having a baby? I feel like I’m being trolled.

People are saying you can EXPECT your own child to tell you if they were having a baby but you don't get the DEMAND that they do. It isn't about you. Say that as many times as you need to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

Nope, just because you're related to someone doesn't mean they owe you some different kind of duty. You sound like a nightmare.