Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has always been a bit selfish and I knew that but it’s gotten worse as he’s gotten older. He’s just not resilient at all, he gets all old mannish about things like technology and is helpless sometimes. He then criticizes me constantly and never has a kind word for me maybe once in a while he will compliment something I cooked. But never my appearance. I think he truly believes if he does I will “let myself go”. Yeah. I have kept separate finances to protect an inheritance of mine because some day I may just be done. We have a school age child and mostly get along fine on the surface. It’s not bad enough to leave, it seems. I dunno. I used to feel he was always on my side but I’m not sure now.

This post sounds like you are evaluating the relationship against perfect with little communication about expectations and needs. Adding in the separate finance reasoning it doesn’t sound like your relationship is a relationship. You need to find a good IC, then MC if you want a better marriage.

FYI, If you didn’t have a prenup it is all 50/50 in divorce, unless the inheritance was given in some form of trust, but in that case you wouldn’t need separate finances.

Inaccurate.

As long as you don’t commingle inheritance and keep it separate from joint money/marital assets (your salary while married is considered joint money) your inheritance is yours. Although you may have to share any interested earned in the inheritance from the period you were married.

So put the inheritance in a separate account with just your name on it and do NOT add any other funds to the account.

That’s not what happened in my divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has always been a bit selfish and I knew that but it’s gotten worse as he’s gotten older. He’s just not resilient at all, he gets all old mannish about things like technology and is helpless sometimes. He then criticizes me constantly and never has a kind word for me maybe once in a while he will compliment something I cooked. But never my appearance. I think he truly believes if he does I will “let myself go”. Yeah. I have kept separate finances to protect an inheritance of mine because some day I may just be done. We have a school age child and mostly get along fine on the surface. It’s not bad enough to leave, it seems. I dunno. I used to feel he was always on my side but I’m not sure now.

This post sounds like you are evaluating the relationship against perfect with little communication about expectations and needs. Adding in the separate finance reasoning it doesn’t sound like your relationship is a relationship. You need to find a good IC, then MC if you want a better marriage.

FYI, If you didn’t have a prenup it is all 50/50 in divorce, unless the inheritance was given in some form of trust, but in that case you wouldn’t need separate finances.

Inaccurate.

As long as you don’t commingle inheritance and keep it separate from joint money/marital assets (your salary while married is considered joint money) your inheritance is yours. Although you may have to share any interested earned in the inheritance from the period you were married.

So put the inheritance in a separate account with just your name on it and do NOT add any other funds to the account.

Anonymous wrote:No. I love my husband and don’t feel overwhelmed. He’s more my parent then I am his.

Eww.

Anonymous wrote:My husband has always been a bit selfish and I knew that but it’s gotten worse as he’s gotten older. He’s just not resilient at all, he gets all old mannish about things like technology and is helpless sometimes. He then criticizes me constantly and never has a kind word for me maybe once in a while he will compliment something I cooked. But never my appearance. I think he truly believes if he does I will “let myself go”. Yeah. I have kept separate finances to protect an inheritance of mine because some day I may just be done. We have a school age child and mostly get along fine on the surface. It’s not bad enough to leave, it seems. I dunno. I used to feel he was always on my side but I’m not sure now.

This post sounds like you are evaluating the relationship against perfect with little communication about expectations and needs. Adding in the separate finance reasoning it doesn’t sound like your relationship is a relationship. You need to find a good IC, then MC if you want a better marriage.

FYI, If you didn’t have a prenup it is all 50/50 in divorce, unless the inheritance was given in some form of trust, but in that case you wouldn’t need separate finances.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

My husband is a combo of this and OP’s husband. He has high standards and is upset if they aren’t met, but he doesn’t feel that he needs to do any of it himself.
I did hire a lot of help when the kids were little. I had a babysitter when I was working plus a husband and wife team that did all of the housework, cooking, and yard work. It saved our marriage, but I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do. It really covered up a lot of issues.

What was your DH’s childhood and cultural background like that he grew up expecting this?!

He grew up middle class in the Midwest. His family didn’t really have things together. His dad was an alcoholic.
I think that he just believed that if he did the right things, studied hard and did well in school, got a good job, that he would have his life together at home. Like he felt that if he had a good job and he got married and had kids and mortgage and a golden retriever, then there would be a clean house and dinner on the table every night at six. It didn’t really occur to him that the only way for there to be dinner on the table every night at six is for someone to go out and buy the ingredients and to cook a meal and set it on the table.
It’s not that he thought that I should be doing all of this stuff. He believed in this dream for me too. Like that I could work and come home to a clean house and a homecooked meal at six.
It just didn’t really occur to him that someone has to clean the house and do the shopping and cooking and that it’s really kind of a lot of work.

This is my DH, too. Almost identical. We are both almost 50, for reference.

And his mom had FIVE kids and worked FT - but not until all of the kids were school aged. He is the youngest of 5 and his two sisters (the oldest) picked up the slack (taking turns babysitting the younger ones after school and getting dinner started). Which, to be fair, was not so uncommon then. If they were unavailable, then his grandparents (who lived nearby) helped. Kid “activities” were much less common then as well.

He grew up with a model where his mom worked FT yet his dad still lived a very 50s life (coming home after working and doing nothing), and everything was just magically done . I doubt he ever even thought about it.

He sees his own life as a massive downgrade from his dad’s. And I suppose it probably is. His dad came home and watched tv or did whatever he wanted, while DH is expected to do things- and he has no model for what this looks like. At the same time, parenting has become more intensive. DH wants the kids to do things like little league, kids sports etc like all of his friends’ kids- but secretly doesn’t want to drive them and resents doing so. He wants what HIS dad had- yet still wants the current lifestyle model of a wife who works FT, kids busy with activities etc. Which really is not possible or realistic.

My husband has always been a bit selfish and I knew that but it’s gotten worse as he’s gotten older. He’s just not resilient at all, he gets all old mannish about things like technology and is helpless sometimes. He then criticizes me constantly and never has a kind word for me maybe once in a while he will compliment something I cooked. But never my appearance. I think he truly believes if he does I will “let myself go”. Yeah. I have kept separate finances to protect an inheritance of mine because some day I may just be done. We have a school age child and mostly get along fine on the surface. It’s not bad enough to leave, it seems. I dunno. I used to feel he was always on my side but I’m not sure now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quiet quitting has its own emotional baggage but after on and off marriage therapy and years of clashing over his lack of interest, I see my husband is willing to put time and effort into everything except me and kids. I suggest going out one evening, he's too busy. I try to get us to sit down for a chat, he's too tired. The kids want to play a game, he's reading. But one of his friends calls, or he is asked by a vague acquaintance to help with something, and he miraculously has the time. I have a good job so I can support myself and only 1 kid left at home and will graduate soon from high school. Right now I want to do a year of therapy and make sure my reasoning is sound. I know it's never just one person's fault, but I also know it does take two to fix things. And right now, there's just one of us trying.

Who remembers or takes the vehicles in for oil change or maintenance?

Who seasonable takes care of the home and property or identifies needed repairs/ arranges them?

There are lots near the airport where you can leave your car and they wil get the oil changed while you are on a business trip. And you are suggesting that this is the equivalent of making dinner every single night? In what possible universe?

And it's not just making dinner every single night. It's planning the dinners, getting the groceries, and timing the meals around the family's schedule.

If you’re doing all the planning, WHY are you cooking dinner EVERY night?

Haven’t you ever heard of leftovers?

Most kids don’t eat leftovers

DP.

Is this a joke? Kids will eat what you give them to eat.

DP

This is true unless you want the extra unnecessary work to complain about. If your spouse is this useless, your kids are eating leftovers. They just are.

My friend did this. Sadly. she died of cancer a couple years later. Her DH made it all about him.

Meant if I had legs I’d Kick You.

Lol not lol

Meant PP

Yikes.

Op sounds like the woman then off the ledge in I’d Kick You But My Legs are Bad.

I am new to this thread, and I read some of the responses, but not all 20 pages, tbh.

I am a 37-year-old married mother of 2 (elementary-aged kids). We were too young when we got married. We are coming up on 15 years of marriage, and like many others, I do 90% of the physical and emotional labor of the household and child-rearing labor. I have always had to prioritize my family, while he has prioritized his work (while also working worse hours for worse pay/benefits our entire marriage).

I have ADHD/anxiety/mild depression, and my DH has anxiety/depression. Our children are both neurodivergent and have pretty intense needs. The amount of work on my shoulders, the lack of support, and the utter lack of follow-through has burnt me out.

There are times when my DH *tries* but his incredible unpredictability, lack of follow-through, and inability to initiate basically any tasks without being directly prompted is EXHAUSTING. I am not good at organizing, but I have to organize, plan, and re-organize for my entire family, while also brainstorming all of the academic, social, emotional supports, activities, services, meds/medical follow-ups, and all communication with providers/teachers, relatives, all family activity planning, holiday/gift/activities/vacations, haircuts/dentist appointments, college savings, most bills, all budgeting - despite my husband not being open about what he is spending money on, and being "punished" passive-aggressively when I take breaks by having our children be almost neglected and the house trashed.....it has gotten to me and I also work a full-time job that allows me to work more closely around the kids schedule, but is a high-stress job and is a helping profession. I have had hundreds of conversations with my husband, cried countless times, tried tons of approaches to get him to step up, and he'll listen, but completely emotional shut down and sometimes apologizes but never makes a real plan for how he will address these issues and no change ever occurs. He'll occasionally write things on a to-do list and then he'll try to write sweet notes to me, thanking me for all my work and telling me how much he loves me, but love without action.....it's exhausting. I had a nervous breakdown earlier this winter and am working very hard to recover with therapy, psychiatry, working out, and I am literally doing "less". I'm not sure if I am "quiet quitting", but I'm at the point where I simply cannot continue to center him in my life and I need to focus on my own well-being before it kills me and then go from there. My kids need me more than anyone else and so whatever that looks like, I'm trying to heal. I can't see myself staying with him forever like this. He has also sabotaged our finances and MY credit and so I really have no way out right now I may have to quiet quit until I can leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quiet quitting has its own emotional baggage but after on and off marriage therapy and years of clashing over his lack of interest, I see my husband is willing to put time and effort into everything except me and kids. I suggest going out one evening, he's too busy. I try to get us to sit down for a chat, he's too tired. The kids want to play a game, he's reading. But one of his friends calls, or he is asked by a vague acquaintance to help with something, and he miraculously has the time. I have a good job so I can support myself and only 1 kid left at home and will graduate soon from high school. Right now I want to do a year of therapy and make sure my reasoning is sound. I know it's never just one person's fault, but I also know it does take two to fix things. And right now, there's just one of us trying.

Who remembers or takes the vehicles in for oil change or maintenance?

Who seasonable takes care of the home and property or identifies needed repairs/ arranges them?

There are lots near the airport where you can leave your car and they wil get the oil changed while you are on a business trip. And you are suggesting that this is the equivalent of making dinner every single night? In what possible universe?

And it's not just making dinner every single night. It's planning the dinners, getting the groceries, and timing the meals around the family's schedule.

If you’re doing all the planning, WHY are you cooking dinner EVERY night?

Haven’t you ever heard of leftovers?

Most kids don’t eat leftovers

DP.

Is this a joke? Kids will eat what you give them to eat.

Anonymous wrote:As a wife who has been married for 40+ years, I advise you women that marriage can get better after kids are grown. Children raising years are so hard and women bear the brunt. You might like your husband better later. Being single isn’t easy either. Unless he is a cheater, or abuser, if so cut him loose.

This is more or less that decision I made. But I did check out for a number of years.

I've gotten grief on this board for staying in my marriage. And I have very seriously considered divorce. I decided I didn't want to be divorced and also think I likely have things of my own to work on.