Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Because he has a wife to pick up the slack. He takes the path of least resistance. OP doesn’t have a lot of good choices. If she divorces she still has to quit breastfeeding the toddler because it will be all on her to take both kids to the ER next time. Breast milk and rigid bedtime routines be damned.

NP

" rigid bedtime routines" What's that mean?

A routine that allows only one parent to perform it.

She's breastfeeding. But I'm sure this guy is totally dying to perform the nighttime routine and it's mean mommy who devised this plot to alienate him from the kids, since he's such a loving, patient father.

Breastfeeding a toddler is a choice, not a necessity. This mean mommy had not one but two kids with this man. What was she thinking?

Do you know how babies are made? The man has a part in it.

Sure but do you see the one complaining here? Her husband has a good paying cushy job. OP benefits by being a SAHM. She could just go get a job, earn her own money and kick him out. But what she’s going to do is keep complaining to anyone who listens about her poor choices. My mom lived a whole life doing this and died a bitter unhappy woman.

Easy peasy

Much easier for a woman whose oldest child is 6. Presumably she had a job before, no? Do you think it’s easier for a woman with teens? Imagine how this plays out over time. I have a pretty good idea, having seen it first hand.

My SIL did this when her kids were 6 and 2 and was murdered by her STBEx. Nothing easy about it.

Strange that divorce rates are so high if exes murder each other before it happens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Because he has a wife to pick up the slack. He takes the path of least resistance. OP doesn’t have a lot of good choices. If she divorces she still has to quit breastfeeding the toddler because it will be all on her to take both kids to the ER next time. Breast milk and rigid bedtime routines be damned.

NP

" rigid bedtime routines" What's that mean?

A routine that allows only one parent to perform it.

She's breastfeeding. But I'm sure this guy is totally dying to perform the nighttime routine and it's mean mommy who devised this plot to alienate him from the kids, since he's such a loving, patient father.

Breastfeeding a toddler is a choice, not a necessity. This mean mommy had not one but two kids with this man. What was she thinking?

Do you know how babies are made? The man has a part in it.

Sure but do you see the one complaining here? Her husband has a good paying cushy job. OP benefits by being a SAHM. She could just go get a job, earn her own money and kick him out. But what she’s going to do is keep complaining to anyone who listens about her poor choices. My mom lived a whole life doing this and died a bitter unhappy woman.

Easy peasy

Much easier for a woman whose oldest child is 6. Presumably she had a job before, no? Do you think it’s easier for a woman with teens? Imagine how this plays out over time. I have a pretty good idea, having seen it first hand.

My SIL did this when her kids were 6 and 2 and was murdered by her STBEx. Nothing easy about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:So OP is a SAHM and she makes her DH get up in the night for a nosebleed????

I am trying to imagine being married to a man so wimpy and delicate that he couldn’t do that without issue. Omg.

Needing sleep is a standard issue requirement for all adults. The one who has to drag his ass out of bed and be presentable at work is the one who gets to have an issue with getting up for a nosebleed when the SAHP should be able to handle it herself.

This is so bizarre to me. DH and I both work FT, and both are able to handle nighttime issues without acting in such a way. Most normal people can. There is clearly something wrong with this guy.

Agree!

I have 4 kids and they all knew we split bedtime routine by day "dad's night" or "mom's night". The routine varied slightly - I did math story problems after reading and DH did hidden pictures.

There are probably some cases of the mom purposefully keeping dad from participating. But much more likely that he gives off overt and covert signs he is not interested in bedtime, doesn’t think the kid needs any special attention at bedtime, doesn’t bother to attune to the kids needs … so mom does it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP is a SAHM and she makes her DH get up in the night for a nosebleed????

I am trying to imagine being married to a man so wimpy and delicate that he couldn’t do that without issue. Omg.

Needing sleep is a standard issue requirement for all adults. The one who has to drag his ass out of bed and be presentable at work is the one who gets to have an issue with getting up for a nosebleed when the SAHP should be able to handle it herself.

Funny how nobody cared about me needing to drag my ass out of bed and be presentable at work when I was a new mom.

Who are you? Did you post here about your sleep problems and no one cared? Or are you bringing up completely irrelevant stuff because you are still upset?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because he has a wife to pick up the slack. He takes the path of least resistance. OP doesn’t have a lot of good choices. If she divorces she still has to quit breastfeeding the toddler because it will be all on her to take both kids to the ER next time. Breast milk and rigid bedtime routines be damned.

NP

" rigid bedtime routines" What's that mean?

A routine that allows only one parent to perform it.

She's breastfeeding. But I'm sure this guy is totally dying to perform the nighttime routine and it's mean mommy who devised this plot to alienate him from the kids, since he's such a loving, patient father.

Breastfeeding a toddler is a choice, not a necessity. This mean mommy had not one but two kids with this man. What was she thinking?

Do you know how babies are made? The man has a part in it.

Sure but do you see the one complaining here? Her husband has a good paying cushy job. OP benefits by being a SAHM. She could just go get a job, earn her own money and kick him out. But what she’s going to do is keep complaining to anyone who listens about her poor choices. My mom lived a whole life doing this and died a bitter unhappy woman.

I’m sorry you hate your mom.

That sounds hard.

Well, she’s dead, so…. But you know on her deathbed she finally admitted she had a pretty good life. After decades of focusing on the negative.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because he has a wife to pick up the slack. He takes the path of least resistance. OP doesn’t have a lot of good choices. If she divorces she still has to quit breastfeeding the toddler because it will be all on her to take both kids to the ER next time. Breast milk and rigid bedtime routines be damned.

NP

" rigid bedtime routines" What's that mean?

A routine that allows only one parent to perform it.

She's breastfeeding. But I'm sure this guy is totally dying to perform the nighttime routine and it's mean mommy who devised this plot to alienate him from the kids, since he's such a loving, patient father.

Breastfeeding a toddler is a choice, not a necessity. This mean mommy had not one but two kids with this man. What was she thinking?

Do you know how babies are made? The man has a part in it.

Sure but do you see the one complaining here? Her husband has a good paying cushy job. OP benefits by being a SAHM. She could just go get a job, earn her own money and kick him out. But what she’s going to do is keep complaining to anyone who listens about her poor choices. My mom lived a whole life doing this and died a bitter unhappy woman.

I’m sorry you hate your mom.

That sounds hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because he has a wife to pick up the slack. He takes the path of least resistance. OP doesn’t have a lot of good choices. If she divorces she still has to quit breastfeeding the toddler because it will be all on her to take both kids to the ER next time. Breast milk and rigid bedtime routines be damned.

NP

" rigid bedtime routines" What's that mean?

A routine that allows only one parent to perform it.

She's breastfeeding. But I'm sure this guy is totally dying to perform the nighttime routine and it's mean mommy who devised this plot to alienate him from the kids, since he's such a loving, patient father.

Breastfeeding a toddler is a choice, not a necessity. This mean mommy had not one but two kids with this man. What was she thinking?

Do you know how babies are made? The man has a part in it.

Sure but do you see the one complaining here? Her husband has a good paying cushy job. OP benefits by being a SAHM. She could just go get a job, earn her own money and kick him out. But what she’s going to do is keep complaining to anyone who listens about her poor choices. My mom lived a whole life doing this and died a bitter unhappy woman.

Easy peasy

Much easier for a woman whose oldest child is 6. Presumably she had a job before, no? Do you think it’s easier for a woman with teens? Imagine how this plays out over time. I have a pretty good idea, having seen it first hand.

I am no longer surprised that parents kill their children in this country.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because he has a wife to pick up the slack. He takes the path of least resistance. OP doesn’t have a lot of good choices. If she divorces she still has to quit breastfeeding the toddler because it will be all on her to take both kids to the ER next time. Breast milk and rigid bedtime routines be damned.

NP

" rigid bedtime routines" What's that mean?

A routine that allows only one parent to perform it.

She's breastfeeding. But I'm sure this guy is totally dying to perform the nighttime routine and it's mean mommy who devised this plot to alienate him from the kids, since he's such a loving, patient father.

Breastfeeding a toddler is a choice, not a necessity. This mean mommy had not one but two kids with this man. What was she thinking?

Do you know how babies are made? The man has a part in it.

Sure but do you see the one complaining here? Her husband has a good paying cushy job. OP benefits by being a SAHM. She could just go get a job, earn her own money and kick him out. But what she’s going to do is keep complaining to anyone who listens about her poor choices. My mom lived a whole life doing this and died a bitter unhappy woman.

Easy peasy

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because he has a wife to pick up the slack. He takes the path of least resistance. OP doesn’t have a lot of good choices. If she divorces she still has to quit breastfeeding the toddler because it will be all on her to take both kids to the ER next time. Breast milk and rigid bedtime routines be damned.

NP

" rigid bedtime routines" What's that mean?

A routine that allows only one parent to perform it.

She's breastfeeding. But I'm sure this guy is totally dying to perform the nighttime routine and it's mean mommy who devised this plot to alienate him from the kids, since he's such a loving, patient father.

Breastfeeding a toddler is a choice, not a necessity. This mean mommy had not one but two kids with this man. What was she thinking?

Do you know how babies are made? The man has a part in it.

Sure but do you see the one complaining here? Her husband has a good paying cushy job. OP benefits by being a SAHM. She could just go get a job, earn her own money and kick him out. But what she’s going to do is keep complaining to anyone who listens about her poor choices. My mom lived a whole life doing this and died a bitter unhappy woman.

Preach.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP is a SAHM and she makes her DH get up in the night for a nosebleed????

I am trying to imagine being married to a man so wimpy and delicate that he couldn’t do that without issue. Omg.

Needing sleep is a standard issue requirement for all adults. The one who has to drag his ass out of bed and be presentable at work is the one who gets to have an issue with getting up for a nosebleed when the SAHP should be able to handle it herself.

Funny how nobody cared about me needing to drag my ass out of bed and be presentable at work when I was a new mom.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry this is happening. As a father, I can say that I've felt this type of anger before and I'm embarrassed that I've even cursed at my young child for waking me up in the middle of the night. I was really stressed out, etc. Not an excuse, but I didn't have any tools to deal with the massive shifts in my life that two young children brought.

I was always stressed about money (because I wanted my wife to have long maternity leave or work PT). As I climbed the ladder at work, I couldn't maintain a balance between the hours I had to be elsewhere and when my wife needed me home. I was running from one stressful situation to another...never feeling like I was giving enough.

I can say that it got easier as my kids got older and could better articulate their needs. But I also found that I needed a more intense level of therapy and parenting support. I recommend looking in to Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It gave me more concrete skills to improve my parenting and engage better with my kids/wife in stressful moments.

Good luck and remember these are some of the harder times in parenting (aside from the teen years which are a real bit*@ if you don't get this type of anger under control).

Thanks for this vulnerable comment (though you sound more self-aware than the husband in this scenario).

I also discovered DBT as an adult and found it to be transformative.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because he has a wife to pick up the slack. He takes the path of least resistance. OP doesn’t have a lot of good choices. If she divorces she still has to quit breastfeeding the toddler because it will be all on her to take both kids to the ER next time. Breast milk and rigid bedtime routines be damned.

NP

" rigid bedtime routines" What's that mean?

A routine that allows only one parent to perform it.

She's breastfeeding. But I'm sure this guy is totally dying to perform the nighttime routine and it's mean mommy who devised this plot to alienate him from the kids, since he's such a loving, patient father.

Breastfeeding a toddler is a choice, not a necessity. This mean mommy had not one but two kids with this man. What was she thinking?

Do you know how babies are made? The man has a part in it.

Sure but do you see the one complaining here? Her husband has a good paying cushy job. OP benefits by being a SAHM. She could just go get a job, earn her own money and kick him out. But what she’s going to do is keep complaining to anyone who listens about her poor choices. My mom lived a whole life doing this and died a bitter unhappy woman.

OP my husband can be like this but it has gotten better in the last two years. My breaking point came when our kid, who was 5 at the time, was diagnosed with ARFID which is an eating disorder that presents as "picky eating" but is actually serious -- she would gag on food or throw it up due to the smell or texture of it, and she was not trying to be picky but could not control her aversion. It was and still is a very hard thing to parent through, but DH made it much worse because he'd blow up at her for not eating even after she'd been diagnosed and we'd learned that conflict and confrontation over eating would only make it worse. When he did this I'd feel so abandoned because I was also very frustrated but working really hard to control it so I could give her what she needed, and he wasn't even trying. So my efforts were for nothing and she was getting more and more stressed about food anyway.

Here's what helped:

1) I point it out, but do so later when things are calm. So if he blew up at her at dinner, in the moment I would either ignore him or just say "I'll handle it," address DD's needs, and move on. But then after the kids were in bed, I'd turn off the TV and explain calmly that it sucks for me to have to be the functional parent in those moments, and that what I really want is a partner to go through it with me, instead of another person whose emotions I have to manage. I really worked to not get overly critical or blaming in these talks. I used lots of "I" statements and explained why the situation was hard for me or what I wish I got from him, instead of saying "you do this, you do that." That helped him hear me better.

2) He went to therapy and worked on anger management. This is critical. It could be therapy, a meditation practice, a parenting class. Just anything to show he's working on it. I remember at one point talking to my DH about this and he said "I just don't handle stress well," and I pointed out that there's no way for me to eliminate stress from our lives and that it's unfair for him to expect to be exempt from the stress of being a working, middle class parent while I take it all on. That helped him realize that every time he just can't deal with a situation, that's yet another thing I have to do. That's when he started to realize this was a problem he needed to solve and not a "take it or leave it" situation. I didn't threaten divorce, but I did tell him that it was very hard for me to imagine spending the next 40-50 years of my life with someone who simply cannot handle stress, because I expect there to be some stress during that time.

3) As my kids got older, I got them involved. I guess this could be controversial, but the truth is my kids are pretty emotionally intelligent and good at naming their feelings and talking through how to deal with them. But my older kid definitely struggles with blowing up when she gets frustrated, and IMO that has to be addressed head on. So as I worked with her to build up her tolerance for frustration or distress, I used situations with DH and I as examples and she started calling out DH when he did exactly the thing she was working on getting better at. This was hard at first but then great. Sometimes DH and DD will get upset with each other and have a little mini tantrum (not as bad as they once were) but then they will come together, apologize, and talk about what the each could have done better. Without any prompting from me. It was great.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I'm just really over my husband's inability to control his temper during any kind of stressful parenting situation. Case in point, a couple days ago my 6 yo daughter came home from camp where she had a basketball hit her on the side of the head. Initially she seemed ok but around dinnertime started complaining of severe ear pain and a headache. Called her pediatrician who advised us to go to urgent care to get her checked out. As I'm still breastfeeding a young toddler, my husband was to take her and spent the entire time they were getting ready to go huffing around the house, slamming dresser drawers or whatever, because he was pissed that he had to go, because he didn't think her pain was "that bad" and "nobody gets a concussion from a basketball." Meanwhile this is while I'm comforting my daughter who is in a lot of pain. On the way out he slammed the front door. Cute. Turns out she had a pretty severe injury and ended up vomiting and dizzy and needed to be admitted to the hospital.. she's doing a lot better now but I'm just still so angry when I think about his temper tantrum about taking his injured kid to urgent care.

Oh and a few weeks ago our toddler had a nosebleed in the middle of the night and my husband and I were with him to help, and my husband was just so angry at having been woken up that he was cussing out the toddler,"WTF (toddler name!)! It's the middle of the night! ARRRGHHHH", and stomping around, meanwhile the poor kid can't help that he had a nosebleed and is scared and stressed out already and I'm trying to get both of them to calm down.

These are both medical examples but he loses it during any kind of mundane stress, kid won't get ready for school on time, kid isn't hungry and won't eat at dinner, kid isn't listening, whatever. Just normal everyday parental interactions he manages to get so worked up and makes every situation worse and way more stressful than it needs to be. We use an easy 1,2,3 then time-out strategy at our house when our kids our misbehaving, which works well for them, and he never remembers to use it, just lets himself get super annoyed and angry instead and then blows up. We talk about it and he admits he loses his patience too easily and feels bad but we never get beyond that.

BTDT. Tried tons of counseling, meds, more counseling, more meds, for years. Don't waste the time. Divorce is the only path forward though not a solution for the problem. People like this are incapable of change. Be aware that you will still have to deal with it if you have kids, it will just be a bit less. But he will call you whenever these things happen when kids are with him, and you will have to solve it for the sake of the children. Eventually, kids will realize he is an idiot and that is slightly redeeming to know that others see the same deficits that you do, but the underlying problem will still be there.

This is 18:07. Also, he may escalate and break objects. These are early signals of abuse. Ask me how I know. Immediately call policy and apply for a restraining order to document for divorce proceedings. Hopefully this will get you more custody, though not 100pct.

I'm sorry you went through that. Agree with you on documenting. Earlier in the thread I advised her to ask an attorney if she can record his outbursts (cursing at the kids when they are hurt or injured). How old were your kids when you divorced?