Anonymous wrote:The STD is TV.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you link to Jeff's summaries? I can't find this.

I can't link, but you can access them on the home page. The summaries are thoughtful, well written and witty.

I agree. Jeff writes thoughtful summaries.

Omg. I've been posting on DCUM for more than a decade and never knew Jeff wrote summaries. I wonder if my post have ever been summarized!

It’s a fairly new feature, it has not been around for years. Have fun catching up!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you link to Jeff's summaries? I can't find this.

I can't link, but you can access them on the home page. The summaries are thoughtful, well written and witty.

I agree. Jeff writes thoughtful summaries.

Omg. I've been posting on DCUM for more than a decade and never knew Jeff wrote summaries. I wonder if my post have ever been summarized!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you link to Jeff's summaries? I can't find this.

I can't link, but you can access them on the home page. The summaries are thoughtful, well written and witty.

I agree. Jeff writes thoughtful summaries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not saying this is by any means common (and I surely hope not) but at my former federal agency’s on-site gym, there was a woman who’d sit down on the bare bench in the locker room totally naked. And it wasn’t a quick perch- she was doing full ministrations that took a while.

So…

Same at my agency in DC. She would change tampons in the general area while completely naked. I stopped going because she was all over everything naked.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I would have done the same as you. I am sorry you chose to experience that,

Fify

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I would have done the same as you. I am sorry you chose to experience that,

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

Anonymous wrote:Not saying this is by any means common (and I surely hope not) but at my former federal agency’s on-site gym, there was a woman who’d sit down on the bare bench in the locker room totally naked. And it wasn’t a quick perch- she was doing full ministrations that took a while.

So…

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

Having been raped before, I'd rather couch surf, be divorced or even die before I am raped again. Not high and mighty, just a person who will not add trauma on top of trauma. Risking it all, being down and out is better for me than submitting myself for rape. Better for my kids, too, because I don't want them in rapey relationships.

You clearly need more therapy.

More therapy because I won't submit myself to rape? Weird. You'd think the person who believes getting raped repeatedly by her dh is preferable to leaving and *not getting raped* would require extensive psychotherapy, plus aftercare for all the rape.

Read this to your therapist. I’m sorry someone hurt you so badly.

You are freaking nuts, pp.

You are siding with somebody with untreated complex PTSD who thinks sleeping with a cheating H is similar to rape.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

Having been raped before, I'd rather couch surf, be divorced or even die before I am raped again. Not high and mighty, just a person who will not add trauma on top of trauma. Risking it all, being down and out is better for me than submitting myself for rape. Better for my kids, too, because I don't want them in rapey relationships.

You clearly need more therapy.

More therapy because I won't submit myself to rape? Weird. You'd think the person who believes getting raped repeatedly by her dh is preferable to leaving and *not getting raped* would require extensive psychotherapy, plus aftercare for all the rape.

Read this to your therapist. I’m sorry someone hurt you so badly.

You are freaking nuts, pp.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

Having been raped before, I'd rather couch surf, be divorced or even die before I am raped again. Not high and mighty, just a person who will not add trauma on top of trauma. Risking it all, being down and out is better for me than submitting myself for rape. Better for my kids, too, because I don't want them in rapey relationships.

You clearly need more therapy.

More therapy because I won't submit myself to rape? Weird. You'd think the person who believes getting raped repeatedly by her dh is preferable to leaving and *not getting raped* would require extensive psychotherapy, plus aftercare for all the rape.

Read this to your therapist. I’m sorry someone hurt you so badly.

You are freaking nuts, pp.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

Having been raped before, I'd rather couch surf, be divorced or even die before I am raped again. Not high and mighty, just a person who will not add trauma on top of trauma. Risking it all, being down and out is better for me than submitting myself for rape. Better for my kids, too, because I don't want them in rapey relationships.

You clearly need more therapy.

More therapy because I won't submit myself to rape? Weird. You'd think the person who believes getting raped repeatedly by her dh is preferable to leaving and *not getting raped* would require extensive psychotherapy, plus aftercare for all the rape.

Read this to your therapist. I’m sorry someone hurt you so badly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.