Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a MIL and I would never in a million years when my DIL is pregnant show no concern for her while only showing concern for my son.

If anything when my DIL was pregnant I always made sure that my son was treating her right and taking care of her like she deserves as the person going through the brunt of it.

I care about my DIL as a person and when my son got married I saw her as my family as well.

It’s shitty that so many of you on here choose to take a cold stance towards your DIL.

As a MIL I believe that your relationship with your adult son needs to shift to allow his wife to be the #1 woman in his life and you need to step back a little to make that transition happen.

If he has problems or issues then he should be turning to his wife not “checking up” on him as if that’s not the wife’s role. It just seems like you would be trying to upsurp his wife’s role in his life.

You had 18-20 something years to be the #1 woman and spend alone time and all those good things allow room for his wife now.

No. When you get married, you don’t suddenly lose the right to have your parent check up on you and your wellbeing. It doesn’t all have to go through the spouse. And I say that as a daughter in law not MIL. Do you seriously think only my husband gets to ask about my wellbeing and my dad doesn’t get to ask how I’m doing, simply because I got married?? Get real.

What I meant by that was don’t you think your son’s wife will make sure he is ok if there is an issue. Once married they become the most important person. They made vows to each other.

She should check on him but that doesn’t mean her husband’s friends and family can’t ask too, and it’s very controlling to say otherwise.

NP. Yes but in this specific case, of course you make sure you ask about the MOTHER of the new baby before you ask about how your son is doing.

Do you not get that not asking how a new mom is doing and focusing only on dad is just as bad as a woman being in a horrible car crash, and how weird it would be to ask her husband who was not involved in the crash, "How are you handling all this," first and only?

NP OMG that’s funny that that’s the example you gave bc that actually happened to me with my mother in law. That’s the reason I never visit her anymore when my husband does.

I got into a car crash where I could have DIED but it was pretty much a miracle I didn’t and my mother in law didn’t ask about me once never mind the fact I could have died and instead she said she was worried because her son seemed stress out and she called him up all worried about him.

That example right there was the cherry on top of the cake on how she viewed me. Like lady I’m so sorry that I’m stressing your son out by potentially almost dying next time I’ll try not to let that happen.

I understand how you feel. I wonder what your relationship with this woman was before this car crash? Because I imagine a woman like that was…problematic…even from the beginning. That doesn’t seem to reflect what OP is saying. She and her MIL were getting along just fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a MIL and I would never in a million years when my DIL is pregnant show no concern for her while only showing concern for my son.

If anything when my DIL was pregnant I always made sure that my son was treating her right and taking care of her like she deserves as the person going through the brunt of it.

I care about my DIL as a person and when my son got married I saw her as my family as well.

It’s shitty that so many of you on here choose to take a cold stance towards your DIL.

As a MIL I believe that your relationship with your adult son needs to shift to allow his wife to be the #1 woman in his life and you need to step back a little to make that transition happen.

If he has problems or issues then he should be turning to his wife not “checking up” on him as if that’s not the wife’s role. It just seems like you would be trying to upsurp his wife’s role in his life.

You had 18-20 something years to be the #1 woman and spend alone time and all those good things allow room for his wife now.

No. When you get married, you don’t suddenly lose the right to have your parent check up on you and your wellbeing. It doesn’t all have to go through the spouse. And I say that as a daughter in law not MIL. Do you seriously think only my husband gets to ask about my wellbeing and my dad doesn’t get to ask how I’m doing, simply because I got married?? Get real.

What I meant by that was don’t you think your son’s wife will make sure he is ok if there is an issue. Once married they become the most important person. They made vows to each other.

She should check on him but that doesn’t mean her husband’s friends and family can’t ask too, and it’s very controlling to say otherwise.

NP. Yes but in this specific case, of course you make sure you ask about the MOTHER of the new baby before you ask about how your son is doing.

Do you not get that not asking how a new mom is doing and focusing only on dad is just as bad as a woman being in a horrible car crash, and how weird it would be to ask her husband who was not involved in the crash, "How are you handling all this," first and only?

I already addressed this in the post above yours.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like op has got the message that she is kind of a narcissist by now and maybe we should stop piling on.

But op do check in with a therapist. You don’t want your dc on here in 20y saying my mother is a narcissist and everything was always about her.

I’m not seeing this at all but I hope that you are right!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a MIL and I would never in a million years when my DIL is pregnant show no concern for her while only showing concern for my son.

If anything when my DIL was pregnant I always made sure that my son was treating her right and taking care of her like she deserves as the person going through the brunt of it.

I care about my DIL as a person and when my son got married I saw her as my family as well.

It’s shitty that so many of you on here choose to take a cold stance towards your DIL.

As a MIL I believe that your relationship with your adult son needs to shift to allow his wife to be the #1 woman in his life and you need to step back a little to make that transition happen.

If he has problems or issues then he should be turning to his wife not “checking up” on him as if that’s not the wife’s role. It just seems like you would be trying to upsurp his wife’s role in his life.

You had 18-20 something years to be the #1 woman and spend alone time and all those good things allow room for his wife now.

No. When you get married, you don’t suddenly lose the right to have your parent check up on you and your wellbeing. It doesn’t all have to go through the spouse. And I say that as a daughter in law not MIL. Do you seriously think only my husband gets to ask about my wellbeing and my dad doesn’t get to ask how I’m doing, simply because I got married?? Get real.

What I meant by that was don’t you think your son’s wife will make sure he is ok if there is an issue. Once married they become the most important person. They made vows to each other.

She should check on him but that doesn’t mean her husband’s friends and family can’t ask too, and it’s very controlling to say otherwise.

NP. Yes but in this specific case, of course you make sure you ask about the MOTHER of the new baby before you ask about how your son is doing.

Do you not get that not asking how a new mom is doing and focusing only on dad is just as bad as a woman being in a horrible car crash, and how weird it would be to ask her husband who was not involved in the crash, "How are you handling all this," first and only?

NP OMG that’s funny that that’s the example you gave bc that actually happened to me with my mother in law. That’s the reason I never visit her anymore when my husband does.

I got into a car crash where I could have DIED but it was pretty much a miracle I didn’t and my mother in law didn’t ask about me once never mind the fact I could have died and instead she said she was worried because her son seemed stress out and she called him up all worried about him.

That example right there was the cherry on top of the cake on how she viewed me. Like lady I’m so sorry that I’m stressing your son out by potentially almost dying next time I’ll try not to let that happen.

My MIL was so demanding when I was pregnant. Not even remotely concerned about my wellbeing. There were several situations where she was demanding something specific and I was having trouble meeting the demand due to my pregnancy, and she'd get annoyed or mad when it was brought up.

Like they came to visit us at one point, and she wanted to go to the zoo to see the pandas. I had gained about 25 lbs at that point and had major water retention, so long walks were kind of tough for me. I tried suggesting I stay home from the zoo but she made it clear that she thought that would be rude. So I went, but then if I asked if we could sit down for a minute, or if I could rest and then catch up with them, she'd get visibly irritated and be hurrying us along. My feet hurt! I was tired. She did not seem to care that I was gestating a human (her first and only grandchild) and maybe needed a freaking break.

Just multiple times her getting mad at me because I was taking a nap or moving slowly late in my pregnancy, or because I bowed out of things. At one point she got made because they were going to a casino for the night and I chose not to go and she wanted to know why and I explained that there was smoking at the casino and I didn't want to spend the night around cigarette smoke while 8 months pregnant. She just stared at me like I was some intolerable prima donna.

So weird. She's actually much more normal now, but she was c-r-a-z-y when I was pregnant. It took me a solid two years after that before I could stop being resentful about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a MIL and I would never in a million years when my DIL is pregnant show no concern for her while only showing concern for my son.

If anything when my DIL was pregnant I always made sure that my son was treating her right and taking care of her like she deserves as the person going through the brunt of it.

I care about my DIL as a person and when my son got married I saw her as my family as well.

It’s shitty that so many of you on here choose to take a cold stance towards your DIL.

As a MIL I believe that your relationship with your adult son needs to shift to allow his wife to be the #1 woman in his life and you need to step back a little to make that transition happen.

If he has problems or issues then he should be turning to his wife not “checking up” on him as if that’s not the wife’s role. It just seems like you would be trying to upsurp his wife’s role in his life.

You had 18-20 something years to be the #1 woman and spend alone time and all those good things allow room for his wife now.

No. When you get married, you don’t suddenly lose the right to have your parent check up on you and your wellbeing. It doesn’t all have to go through the spouse. And I say that as a daughter in law not MIL. Do you seriously think only my husband gets to ask about my wellbeing and my dad doesn’t get to ask how I’m doing, simply because I got married?? Get real.

What I meant by that was don’t you think your son’s wife will make sure he is ok if there is an issue. Once married they become the most important person. They made vows to each other.

She should check on him but that doesn’t mean her husband’s friends and family can’t ask too, and it’s very controlling to say otherwise.

NP. Yes but in this specific case, of course you make sure you ask about the MOTHER of the new baby before you ask about how your son is doing.

Do you not get that not asking how a new mom is doing and focusing only on dad is just as bad as a woman being in a horrible car crash, and how weird it would be to ask her husband who was not involved in the crash, "How are you handling all this," first and only?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a MIL and I would never in a million years when my DIL is pregnant show no concern for her while only showing concern for my son.

If anything when my DIL was pregnant I always made sure that my son was treating her right and taking care of her like she deserves as the person going through the brunt of it.

I care about my DIL as a person and when my son got married I saw her as my family as well.

It’s shitty that so many of you on here choose to take a cold stance towards your DIL.

As a MIL I believe that your relationship with your adult son needs to shift to allow his wife to be the #1 woman in his life and you need to step back a little to make that transition happen.

If he has problems or issues then he should be turning to his wife not “checking up” on him as if that’s not the wife’s role. It just seems like you would be trying to upsurp his wife’s role in his life.

You had 18-20 something years to be the #1 woman and spend alone time and all those good things allow room for his wife now.

No. When you get married, you don’t suddenly lose the right to have your parent check up on you and your wellbeing. It doesn’t all have to go through the spouse. And I say that as a daughter in law not MIL. Do you seriously think only my husband gets to ask about my wellbeing and my dad doesn’t get to ask how I’m doing, simply because I got married?? Get real.

Also if you read my whole post you would have seen that I also said it’s important to not overlook your DIL in the process. Meaning don’t just show care and concern for your son show care and concern for your DIL as well. Otherwise she would rightfully show feel just like the incubator to your grandkids.

My MIL was amazing to me and she always made me feel like a true part of the family.

I bolded the specific argument I had with what you wrote. I do think a MIL should check in on her DIL. I suspect in this case that there is a reason OP’s MIL isn’t, and it may have to do with her behavior, her tone, maybe she doesn’t seem tired/stressed, it’s not clear. But this is a woman OP has had a good relationship with so I don’t buy that all of a sudden she has transformed into this uncaring woman.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a MIL and I would never in a million years when my DIL is pregnant show no concern for her while only showing concern for my son.

If anything when my DIL was pregnant I always made sure that my son was treating her right and taking care of her like she deserves as the person going through the brunt of it.

I care about my DIL as a person and when my son got married I saw her as my family as well.

It’s shitty that so many of you on here choose to take a cold stance towards your DIL.

As a MIL I believe that your relationship with your adult son needs to shift to allow his wife to be the #1 woman in his life and you need to step back a little to make that transition happen.

If he has problems or issues then he should be turning to his wife not “checking up” on him as if that’s not the wife’s role. It just seems like you would be trying to upsurp his wife’s role in his life.

You had 18-20 something years to be the #1 woman and spend alone time and all those good things allow room for his wife now.

No. When you get married, you don’t suddenly lose the right to have your parent check up on you and your wellbeing. It doesn’t all have to go through the spouse. And I say that as a daughter in law not MIL. Do you seriously think only my husband gets to ask about my wellbeing and my dad doesn’t get to ask how I’m doing, simply because I got married?? Get real.

What I meant by that was don’t you think your son’s wife will make sure he is ok if there is an issue. Once married they become the most important person. They made vows to each other.

She should check on him but that doesn’t mean her husband’s friends and family can’t ask too, and it’s very controlling to say otherwise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a MIL and I would never in a million years when my DIL is pregnant show no concern for her while only showing concern for my son.

If anything when my DIL was pregnant I always made sure that my son was treating her right and taking care of her like she deserves as the person going through the brunt of it.

I care about my DIL as a person and when my son got married I saw her as my family as well.

It’s shitty that so many of you on here choose to take a cold stance towards your DIL.

As a MIL I believe that your relationship with your adult son needs to shift to allow his wife to be the #1 woman in his life and you need to step back a little to make that transition happen.

If he has problems or issues then he should be turning to his wife not “checking up” on him as if that’s not the wife’s role. It just seems like you would be trying to upsurp his wife’s role in his life.

You had 18-20 something years to be the #1 woman and spend alone time and all those good things allow room for his wife now.

No. When you get married, you don’t suddenly lose the right to have your parent check up on you and your wellbeing. It doesn’t all have to go through the spouse. And I say that as a daughter in law not MIL. Do you seriously think only my husband gets to ask about my wellbeing and my dad doesn’t get to ask how I’m doing, simply because I got married?? Get real.

Also if you read my whole post you would have seen that I also said it’s important to not overlook your DIL in the process. Meaning don’t just show care and concern for your son show care and concern for your DIL as well. Otherwise she would rightfully show feel just like the incubator to your grandkids.

My MIL was amazing to me and she always made me feel like a true part of the family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a MIL and I would never in a million years when my DIL is pregnant show no concern for her while only showing concern for my son.

If anything when my DIL was pregnant I always made sure that my son was treating her right and taking care of her like she deserves as the person going through the brunt of it.

I care about my DIL as a person and when my son got married I saw her as my family as well.

It’s shitty that so many of you on here choose to take a cold stance towards your DIL.

As a MIL I believe that your relationship with your adult son needs to shift to allow his wife to be the #1 woman in his life and you need to step back a little to make that transition happen.

If he has problems or issues then he should be turning to his wife not “checking up” on him as if that’s not the wife’s role. It just seems like you would be trying to upsurp his wife’s role in his life.

You had 18-20 something years to be the #1 woman and spend alone time and all those good things allow room for his wife now.

No. When you get married, you don’t suddenly lose the right to have your parent check up on you and your wellbeing. It doesn’t all have to go through the spouse. And I say that as a daughter in law not MIL. Do you seriously think only my husband gets to ask about my wellbeing and my dad doesn’t get to ask how I’m doing, simply because I got married?? Get real.

What I meant by that was don’t you think your son’s wife will make sure he is ok if there is an issue. Once married they become the most important person. They made vows to each other.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a MIL and I would never in a million years when my DIL is pregnant show no concern for her while only showing concern for my son.

If anything when my DIL was pregnant I always made sure that my son was treating her right and taking care of her like she deserves as the person going through the brunt of it.

I care about my DIL as a person and when my son got married I saw her as my family as well.

It’s shitty that so many of you on here choose to take a cold stance towards your DIL.

As a MIL I believe that your relationship with your adult son needs to shift to allow his wife to be the #1 woman in his life and you need to step back a little to make that transition happen.

If he has problems or issues then he should be turning to his wife not “checking up” on him as if that’s not the wife’s role. It just seems like you would be trying to upsurp his wife’s role in his life.

You had 18-20 something years to be the #1 woman and spend alone time and all those good things allow room for his wife now.

No. When you get married, you don’t suddenly lose the right to have your parent check up on you and your wellbeing. It doesn’t all have to go through the spouse. And I say that as a daughter in law not MIL. Do you seriously think only my husband gets to ask about my wellbeing and my dad doesn’t get to ask how I’m doing, simply because I got married?? Get real.

I’m a MIL and I would never in a million years when my DIL is pregnant show no concern for her while only showing concern for my son.

If anything when my DIL was pregnant I always made sure that my son was treating her right and taking care of her like she deserves as the person going through the brunt of it.

I care about my DIL as a person and when my son got married I saw her as my family as well.

It’s shitty that so many of you on here choose to take a cold stance towards your DIL.

As a MIL I believe that your relationship with your adult son needs to shift to allow his wife to be the #1 woman in his life and you need to step back a little to make that transition happen.

If he has problems or issues then he should be turning to his wife not “checking up” on him as if that’s not the wife’s role. It just seems like you would be trying to upsurp his wife’s role in his life.

You had 18-20 something years to be the #1 woman and spend alone time and all those good things allow room for his wife now.

Anonymous wrote:NP. This makes me so sad reading that most of you think it’s normal for a mil to only care about her son and not her DIl. In my social circle all of my friends MIL’s ask about them as well. In fact some of them may ask about their DIL’s more than their sons as it’s typically the woman who goes through more stress during the early child rearing stages and who is always the one who goes through the pregnancy.

My mil always took an interest in my as my own person and not just someone who came alongside her grandchild and son. And for that I’m forever thankful to her and I take an interest in her as an individual as well.

It’s odd to me to be more concerned especially as a fellow woman with your son when his body isn’t the one recovering and going through physical trauma after recovering from first time child birth and let’s be real the mother is often the one who does the brunt of the work with the baby. Yes sadly even in2024.

I don’t think it’s normal but I also don’t think that this one situation, where MIL asked her son how he is doing, defines her. Asking about how her son is doing does NOT mean MIL only cares about her son! We have no idea why MIL timed her question the way she did. Maybe OP was in a harsh mood (reading her posts here, that’s very possible) or maybe like a PP said, she seemed glowing and happy and MIL didn’t want to bring down the mood by asking if her son was tired while DIL was around. WHO KNOWS.

OP has said they have a good relationship in the past and she has said this repeatedly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with a lot of what you said in your original post, but your example of his mom asking about how he is tired when you aren’t around? You are 100 percent over reacting. I imagine it’s your hormones and stress. There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, wrong with a mother asking her son how it’s going, is he tired, etc etc and yes, that includes asking when you aren’t around. Given the tone of your posts, I really do get the feeling she couldn’t win either way and I suspect she is on eggshells around you and that’s why she didn’t ask about your rough pregnancy. Maybe you could try resetting the tone of your relationship by letting go of your animosity and focusing on the joy of this baby. Open up to your MIL, be friendly and warm, and ask questions about her day - I.e., treat her the way you would want to be treated. See if the dynamic between the two of you changes over time.

I guess I felt like she was with us all day then all of a sudden when I’m out of the room she decides to ask her son if he is tired etc..like she only wanted to hear from her son instead of asking how both moth and dad were adjusting to everything. Like she wanted to ask him separate from his wife. Like does she think he would tell his mother something he wouldn’t tell his own wife?

I truly don’t understand why you think your MIL did anything wrong in asking her son how he is doing. Who cares if you were out of the room? This is such a complete overreaction to what happened on your part.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

About her aches and pains, social group, senior breakfasts? sure.

About me? No.

Trash-talking someone's spouse isn't care for them. It's catty betch bs. No excuses.

Nobody “trashed” op. The MIL just told her son he looked tired. He has a four month old, of course he is tired, but old people are so far removed from that experience they don’t really remember HOW tired a person gets with a baby, especially their first baby.

I remember my parents’ commentary was definitely clueless and less than helpful pretty much always. In fact, my kids are entering tween/teen years and my parents are still offering really annoying, unhelpful commentary and manufacturing problems that don’t actually exist. I let it roll off my back because they’re just words from clueless people who still love us.

And nothing about asking about someone’s tiredness implicates OP or a lack of care for OP. OP is making that assumption.

Guess what, if you lack grace and empathy you are always going to have trouble in relationships, especially complex relationships. There is a lot of ground between MIL considering someone an “incubator” (OP’s word) and simply understanding that yes, your MIL is always going to love their own baby more than they love you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you. I loved my MIL but I didn’t expect really anything from her. I knew she loved DH and my kids more than me because duh of course she does. If she said something dumb I let it slide because I, a fellow human, also say dumb things sometimes. This facilitated a happy relationship. OP sounds exhausting, sorry OP.

OP here. Absolutely of course she is going to care more about her own son than me. But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t check on me at all.

The woman is the one (not the man) who goes through the brunt of the issues during pregnancy and child birth. Not once did she ask about me. I think there is a fine line between treating me exactly like her son and not asking at all about me.

She could have asked is there anything you need from me. Brought over meal to help us out anything but she did and said nothing.

The incubator comment means that you are seen as nothing more than a person to produce and provide grand babies for you which is the way mil was acting because once the pregnancy got risky she didn’t ask about me the actual human carrying the child but she damn well was worried her grandchild couldn’t make it. So she can care about her son, grandchild, but not her DIL? Why because I’m not blood related?

Hence me being seen as an incubator. My pain and mental and physical anguish didn’t matter as long as that baby and her son were healthy.

But her son seems a little tired and she needs to suddenly inquire about it. I was tired to that day and in a lot of pain but she didn’t give two shits.

There has to be a middle ground. I don’t expect to be in the ladies inheritance but I think the least a mil can do is reach out to her DIl to ask how she is feeling and offer to help in a way that benefits BOTH her son and DIL. Without the DIl there would be no grandchild to speak of.

Have you tried talking to MIL directly about your relationship? Or are you both using DH as a go-between and damaging your own marriage in the process?

OP I understand that you are upset that your MIL has never really asked you how you are doing. That much is clear.

However, are you really sure of the reason she has not asked you? How do you know it is because she does not care? Could it be that she is worried that she may offend you? How do you know it is the former and not the latter? Only you know the history of your interactions and can think back to whether you have perhaps been testy or taken offense too easily towards MIL.

In any event this may be your built in dynamic. She may never ask about you or talk to you directly. You can let it bother you for the rest of her life, or you can find a way to accept her and be kind to her. Maybe she will be a really great grandma that your children love. Will you deprive them of that, or will you rise above it?

I will add that I, as a person, feel very uncomfortable about being seen as “prying” when someone has a medical issue. I have always been this way, and I can see how someone can interpret it as me not caring. I do care but I just have this inherent discomfort and if anyone asks me for help I am very reliable. Have you directly ever asked MIL for help?

You’re right I can’t have my husband be the go between for me and my mil. I have to address her directly. I think the reason it hurts is because we always had a great relationship and I expected more support from her as that’s what my friend’s MILs gave them. And then when she suddenly perked up and seemed concern when the child I was carrying may be at risk I felt like an incubator like my health doesn’t matter until it affects her grandchild not bearing in mind the mental and physical toll it takes on me. As a fellow woman I would expect more in that department.

Since she asked about her son who wasn’t going through a difficult pregnancy and asked about he unborn grandchild it is clear she shows love through asking about them so when she didn’t ask about me the one who was suffering the most at the time it left me wondering why isn’t that love extended to me when mil is clearly capable of it.

I think I have to address it with her head on or else it will fester.

Never ever compare your mother in law to another mother in law! That is just setting yourself up to be unhappy and you can’t ever really know the relationship those two women have.

Also, you can have a lovely relationship with your MIL and enjoy the shared love you have of your child even knowing that outside your husband, she wouldn’t be the type of woman you would choose as a friend. The expectations we have of a good friend especially in a rough pregnancy and labor are just…different than what you might get with a MIL. And that’s ok. You can love your mother in law and have a caring relationship and yet not be best friends.

If anything I would think the expectation you would have when going through a tough time should be higher with a family member than a friend.

Some people have that with their in laws and some don’t. You can choose to cling to those expectations, or you can recognize that you can have a nice relationship with her that stems from your love of the same man, the same baby, that is different than the kind of relationship you would expect of a close girlfriend. Your choice, but it is a choice.