Anonymous wrote:Was this out of line?

SIL told my mother this is the last Christmas or Christmas Eve (or even Christmas Eve Eve) she’ll see them and their two kids as they’re planning family vacations next year and moving forward.

This is a thing at the private school their kids go to, so they are dropping out of participating in Christmas with our family; a tradition going back 20 plus years of all of us getting together for Christmas Eve or Christmas Eve Eve. Brother and SIL live near my mother, so no travel involved.

My mom was so sad. Can’t help but think how many more Christmases does she have left. They can’t go on their vacation a day or two later?

Her announcement wasn't timed compassionately but may be your mother asked and SIL didn't want to lie.

It’s the American dream. Individualization. It’s all about you. Never give a shit about anyone else. Do what you want when you want and be as self centered as you can be. Leave everyone else to look after themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

OP’s desire to control and her seething with jealousy over SIL’s wealth and her close ties to her own family no doubt carry over into real life. No doubt SIL, OP’s brother and their kids have all picked up on SIL’s resentment, bitterness, jealousy, and my-way-or-the-highway attitude. OP’s brother clearly doesn’t care about having a relationship with his sister, and no wonder. She’s a pill.

Maybe I missed it but why the assumption SIL is wealthy or wealthier than OP?

Op's disdainful reference to the private school culture.

I am a private school parent and an element of private school culture is a lot of travel, vacation homes, and cliquish families taking trips as a big group. There is an undercurrent of pressure to participate and (keep up with the Joneses).

I'm a private school parent too, and I know there are people like this there. I'm not one of them and don't pretend or try to be.

Ditto. We sometimes spend holidays with family, sometimes travel $$$, sometimes go camping at the state park. I don’t really care what anyone thinks

Not one person is thinking any kind of way about this unless they have serious issues with insecurity (like op)

I grew up in a situation similar to OP. We had an annual Thanksgiving with my dad’s parents, my dad’s brothers and their families. It was nice when we were younger, but in our teen years it started to feel really awkward to be obligated to attend this event with people we see only once per year and were essentially strangers (other than our Granpda,
since Grandma died when I was 9). Ultimately, my mom and dad insisted on going until my grandpa passed away in his 90s.

After Grandpa died, we celebrated Thanksgiving at our house and it was amazing. We had so much fun with my siblings and parents and adored this new tradition. We felt comfortable and happy and loved doing the cooking instead of being a guest at someone’s house. But then, a couple of years later, my mom got dementia and she couldn’t host.

All in all, we got less than 5 years as a family to celebrate Thanksgiving together between my grandpa’s death and my mom’s dementia. I wish we had stopped going to Thanksgiving years earlier so we had more time with my immediate family.

OP, families change and change is hard. I’m going to do my best not to pressure my kids to do specific traditions and instead focus on trying to have regular get together with them that aren’t mandatory or structured around a holiday, but rather voluntary and lower pressure.

Both my and my husbands parents are in their early to mid-80's and are the most selfish people on the planet. They don't realize that by the time they were our age, mid-50s, their parents were gone and they were free to live their lives the way they wished. I am sick and tired of anwering to 85-year-olds. We simply should not be living this long.

Anonymous wrote:The announcement was bad timing and seems harsh. Why not wait until fall to say you have other plans? Makes me wonder if there are some other family issues.

because of will say it's too late. It's good they've announced the change early.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is not the right venue for a sympathetic ear. Remember, DCUM is filled with women just like your SIL. they are going to empathize with her here, and not you, because they hate their ILs too.

OP, is your mother/extended family less well off than SIL's? If so, that is your answer right there. SIL is not trying to have middle class Christmas while all the school Joneses are Christmasing in Palm Beach. There isn't any way to slice it, you've lost, a primary feature of UMC people is that family only matters when the family is equally rich or willing to spend to look it, or richer and willing to share fringe benefits (like invitations to ski or beach houses). Then, its "family is everything" otherwise, it is "family is awful, unsupportive and dysfunctional and we cannot bear to spend another holiday with them."

Good luck,

Sadly spot on. Vapid social climbers act like associating with middle class let alone working class family is noblesse oblige. Once maybe twice a year you’re a backwater charity case disrupting their carefully curated status-obsessed brand. A buzzkill who reminds them of their roots; the low stock proletariat they really are beneath their wannabe bourgeois patina. But boy do they ever love a rich grandma and grandpa. Visits, trips, frequent FaceTiming, heck, maybe even give a baby the middle name of a rich grandparent to score some estate planning points. While a working class grandma should just literally drop dead.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

Good grief. No one is getting bent out of shape that grandma is sad. People are (rightly) reacting to OP's initial post, and subsequent follow-ups, which suggest (or outright state) that her SIL is an evil manipulator and social climber; that her brother has no spine and is doing just what his terrible wife wants; that this is all due to SIL's desire to keep up with the Joneses; and that somehow her brother's family is in the wrong for wanting to do something different than OP thinks they should do next Christmas. Also, she's speculating about a lot of things (SIL's motives and her plan to spend Christmas with her parents), all in a way to cast SIL in a bad light.

The only (slight) thing I can see that SIL did wrong is disclosing this during this year's celebration. That seems unnecessary. But given OP's characterizations here, I'm guessing it was far more innocuous than she made it appear. Even OP admits that SIL was nice about it - it's the "premise" she finds rude. In other words, the fact that her brother's family will not be around next Christmas is the only offense here, and that translates into "SIL told elderly MIL that this is the last Christmas she'll see family." What nonsense. Based on this thread alone, it can't be ruled out that part of the reason brother's family is making other plans for next Christmas is OP and her histrionics.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

Only on DCUM is inviting your children for Christmas "running the entire family." Especially when the family already accommodated by celebrating on December 23 so SIL could have both Christmas Eve and Day with her family.

An invitation is something that you can accept or decline. This is a demand.

Where is the demand? The post said the SIL announced they would be going on vacation next year and for the foreseeable future and that her mother was very sad.

Exactly. There are a bunch of dysfunctional people from dysfunctional families projecting their own BS on to OP.

But then again, that's DCUM for you. I don't know why anyone bothers to post. It's always a contest to see who can twist OPs post the most and project all kinds of crazy assumptions on OP to make them the "bad guy".

If DCUM is so awful, why are you here? Why don’t you make it your New Year’s resolution to leave if it is so bothersome and useless.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

Only on DCUM is inviting your children for Christmas "running the entire family." Especially when the family already accommodated by celebrating on December 23 so SIL could have both Christmas Eve and Day with her family.

An invitation is something that you can accept or decline. This is a demand.

Where is the demand? The post said the SIL announced they would be going on vacation next year and for the foreseeable future and that her mother was very sad.

Exactly. There are a bunch of dysfunctional people from dysfunctional families projecting their own BS on to OP.

But then again, that's DCUM for you. I don't know why anyone bothers to post. It's always a contest to see who can twist OPs post the most and project all kinds of crazy assumptions on OP to make them the "bad guy".

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is not the right venue for a sympathetic ear. Remember, DCUM is filled with women just like your SIL. they are going to empathize with her here, and not you, because they hate their ILs too.

OP, is your mother/extended family less well off than SIL's? If so, that is your answer right there. SIL is not trying to have middle class Christmas while all the school Joneses are Christmasing in Palm Beach. There isn't any way to slice it, you've lost, a primary feature of UMC people is that family only matters when the family is equally rich or willing to spend to look it, or richer and willing to share fringe benefits (like invitations to ski or beach houses). Then, its "family is everything" otherwise, it is "family is awful, unsupportive and dysfunctional and we cannot bear to spend another holiday with them."

Good luck,

You, like OP, sound awful. Am glad I don't ever have to spend time with you.

Anonymous wrote:I am smiling at how this whole this has devolved into a battle about wealth, competitive women, and private school culture.

What is SIL doesn’t like OP? What if SIL enjoys her husband’s family but genuinely wants to celebrate Christmas with her family on vacation the next few years, before her kids get older and no longer live with her? What’s wrong with that? What happens if SiL gets sick and dies before grandma and never got to enjoy Christmas with her family the way she wanted because she spent her life catering to others?

Answer - there’s nothing wrong with SIL. It is weird to me that you would want someone to come to your event if they didn’t want to be there but did so only out of guilt? I get it they you’re sad they won’t be there OP, but I do think you’re the jerk here if you think it’s a legitimate reason to be mad.

I feel like OP stirred the pot from the beginning by mentioning this was a private school thing. To me, that is an irrelevant detail. SIL (and maybe the actual brother?) want a different kind of xmas. May be understandably sad for some to have the tradition change but so be it.

There are a lot of very cranky people on this thread (maybe because they've had too much family time this week?) throwing around a lot of dramatic words on both sides (controlling, selfish, freakin' losers) and jumping to a lot of conclusions - some people take vacations for fun not for a social media presence.

I am smiling at how this whole this has devolved into a battle about wealth, competitive women, and private school culture.

What is SIL doesn’t like OP? What if SIL enjoys her husband’s family but genuinely wants to celebrate Christmas with her family on vacation the next few years, before her kids get older and no longer live with her? What’s wrong with that? What happens if SiL gets sick and dies before grandma and never got to enjoy Christmas with her family the way she wanted because she spent her life catering to others?

Answer - there’s nothing wrong with SIL. It is weird to me that you would want someone to come to your event if they didn’t want to be there but did so only out of guilt? I get it they you’re sad they won’t be there OP, but I do think you’re the jerk here if you think it’s a legitimate reason to be mad.

The announcement was bad timing and seems harsh. Why not wait until fall to say you have other plans? Makes me wonder if there are some other family issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

OP’s desire to control and her seething with jealousy over SIL’s wealth and her close ties to her own family no doubt carry over into real life. No doubt SIL, OP’s brother and their kids have all picked up on SIL’s resentment, bitterness, jealousy, and my-way-or-the-highway attitude. OP’s brother clearly doesn’t care about having a relationship with his sister, and no wonder. She’s a pill.

Maybe I missed it but why the assumption SIL is wealthy or wealthier than OP?

Op's disdainful reference to the private school culture.

I am a private school parent and an element of private school culture is a lot of travel, vacation homes, and cliquish families taking trips as a big group. There is an undercurrent of pressure to participate and (keep up with the Joneses).

I'm a private school parent too, and I know there are people like this there. I'm not one of them and don't pretend or try to be.

Ditto. We sometimes spend holidays with family, sometimes travel $$$, sometimes go camping at the state park. I don’t really care what anyone thinks