Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.

Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.

The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!

I don't think that quitting your job to spend more time with your kids is analogous to OP throwing a tantrum in front of her toddler that she has to spend an extra 30 minutes with the child after spending all morning on her own time.

I quit my job because I was all done being taken advantage of and treated like a SAHM when I had to work just as much and as hard as my husband. I don’t think any working mom should be shamed for wanting to be paid the same respect as a working dad.

It’s not about respect. It’s about bickering over your kid the same way you’d bicker over the laundry or toilet scrubbing.

OP's options are to let her husband walk all over her or push back. The younger the kid is when she pushes back the better. By doing this, things will either improve or she will get clarification that they will not ever improve because her husband won't do better, at which point she will know enough to leave. With someone who takes a mile, there's no amount you can do that won't result in having this argument unless you literally always say yes because the issue isn't just that he's tired and can you help, it's that he's entitled and controlling. I have been here and I tried just doing it all myself and it was never good enough.

How was he “exausted” when MIL was the one who cared for the child?

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.

Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.

The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!

I don't think that quitting your job to spend more time with your kids is analogous to OP throwing a tantrum in front of her toddler that she has to spend an extra 30 minutes with the child after spending all morning on her own time.

I quit my job because I was all done being taken advantage of and treated like a SAHM when I had to work just as much and as hard as my husband. I don’t think any working mom should be shamed for wanting to be paid the same respect as a working dad.

It’s not about respect. It’s about bickering over your kid the same way you’d bicker over the laundry or toilet scrubbing.

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Anonymous wrote:The women here agreeing with OP’s husband and acting as though OP is talking about this particular hour on this particular Saturday rather than all of the hours that preceded it are honestly worse than OP’s husband. At least you can understand OP’s husband.

These other women, though, what kind of moral superiority are they on about… geez, they’re the kind of people that hold all women back, the type that don’t understand why families should want maternity leave (can just hear them saying, “Well, I just loved being pregnant and having a newborn, why are you people acting as though you should be paid for that time as though it’s a burden”). Ya’ll are honestly terrible people or acting like you are just to f*** with my blood pressure.

Like the one PP, bragging about how her mom never had a moment to herself until her third kid went to kindergarten like.. that’s a good thing? WTH? What is wrong with you people, how do you not see what a problem that is?

+1

I assume most of those posters are trolls. OP's kid is 3; she takes naps. A kid at the nap-taking stage is not going to remember what happened on Saturday, nor will she remember feeling like a burden or whatever nonsense the posters said. However, if OP does not get the dynamic together by the time DD is sentient, then yes, it will absolutely affect her if she has a father who cannot care for or keeps his word to her mother.

Are you kidding me? I hope you don’t have children; this is profoundly wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women here agreeing with OP’s husband and acting as though OP is talking about this particular hour on this particular Saturday rather than all of the hours that preceded it are honestly worse than OP’s husband. At least you can understand OP’s husband.

These other women, though, what kind of moral superiority are they on about… geez, they’re the kind of people that hold all women back, the type that don’t understand why families should want maternity leave (can just hear them saying, “Well, I just loved being pregnant and having a newborn, why are you people acting as though you should be paid for that time as though it’s a burden”). Ya’ll are honestly terrible people or acting like you are just to f*** with my blood pressure.

Like the one PP, bragging about how her mom never had a moment to herself until her third kid went to kindergarten like.. that’s a good thing? WTH? What is wrong with you people, how do you not see what a problem that is?

+1

I assume most of those posters are trolls. OP's kid is 3; she takes naps. A kid at the nap-taking stage is not going to remember what happened on Saturday, nor will she remember feeling like a burden or whatever nonsense the posters said. However, if OP does not get the dynamic together by the time DD is sentient, then yes, it will absolutely affect her if she has a father who cannot care for or keeps his word to her mother.

Ummm 3yos are plenty aware. Maybe you'd realize if you actually spent time with one. They are very attune and their socio emotional development is even beyond their cognitive (which is already a lot - talking a ton etc). A lot of this imprinting happens well before we can remember specific memories as adults.

This doesnt go to whatever split OP has but rather how they should be engaging in front of the DD.

I’ve spent plenty of time with 3 year olds. The question is have you spent time with older kids? What do they remember about being 3? What do they remember if the dynamic is completely different at age 5 vs 3? Or 13 vs 3?

Not directed at this thread - but I spend time with abused older kids. They may not remember exact memories of 3 - but sure remember how they felt about things which develop into their adult personalities. Maybe do some research.

+1 anyone who knows anything about child health and development would not say something as asinine as that PP. 3 year olds are absolutely aware, and this behavior is absolutely damaging to OP’s daughter

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.

Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.

The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!

I don't think that quitting your job to spend more time with your kids is analogous to OP throwing a tantrum in front of her toddler that she has to spend an extra 30 minutes with the child after spending all morning on her own time.

I quit my job because I was all done being taken advantage of and treated like a SAHM when I had to work just as much and as hard as my husband. I don’t think any working mom should be shamed for wanting to be paid the same respect as a working dad.

So you quit the one thing that was giving you respect (lawyer) and now have the least respected job out there, the SAHM. And now you don’t bring in any income, so you’ve lost your negotiating power with DH.

I don’t get it?

I see why you’d say that but things are actually working around here, so it worked out for me.

In hindsight I think DH’s job (biglaw partner in an especially intense practice area) just could not be done while being a truly equal partner to someone who also had a high demands job. There have been some articles floating around recently about the unacknowledged value of the “wife at home” for high powered execs, and I think it’s very true. Some jobs are just designed around a “wife at home” assumption.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.

Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.

The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!

I don't think that quitting your job to spend more time with your kids is analogous to OP throwing a tantrum in front of her toddler that she has to spend an extra 30 minutes with the child after spending all morning on her own time.

I quit my job because I was all done being taken advantage of and treated like a SAHM when I had to work just as much and as hard as my husband. I don’t think any working mom should be shamed for wanting to be paid the same respect as a working dad.

So you quit the one thing that was giving you respect (lawyer) and now have the least respected job out there, the SAHM. And now you don’t bring in any income, so you’ve lost your negotiating power with DH.

I don’t get it?

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.

Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.

The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!

I don't think that quitting your job to spend more time with your kids is analogous to OP throwing a tantrum in front of her toddler that she has to spend an extra 30 minutes with the child after spending all morning on her own time.

I quit my job because I was all done being taken advantage of and treated like a SAHM when I had to work just as much and as hard as my husband. I don’t think any working mom should be shamed for wanting to be paid the same respect as a working dad.

Do you always make everything all about you?

Nope, but I sure do recognize that as a go-to line for a certain DCUM troll, when they have nothing substantive to offer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.

Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.

The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!

I don't think that quitting your job to spend more time with your kids is analogous to OP throwing a tantrum in front of her toddler that she has to spend an extra 30 minutes with the child after spending all morning on her own time.

I quit my job because I was all done being taken advantage of and treated like a SAHM when I had to work just as much and as hard as my husband. I don’t think any working mom should be shamed for wanting to be paid the same respect as a working dad.

Do you always make everything all about you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.

Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.

The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!

I don't think that quitting your job to spend more time with your kids is analogous to OP throwing a tantrum in front of her toddler that she has to spend an extra 30 minutes with the child after spending all morning on her own time.

I quit my job because I was all done being taken advantage of and treated like a SAHM when I had to work just as much and as hard as my husband. I don’t think any working mom should be shamed for wanting to be paid the same respect as a working dad.

My marriage came back from that point. I know that's weird, but it did. My husband legitimately stepped up. The answer was my being far more selfish and willing to leave. And I'm a much more fun wife now that I sleep enough and go to the gym regularly and generally take care of myself, and he gets to enjoy that.

.

Sometimes this is the answer. Women think men will change and men think women won't leave. Someone has to call the other's bluff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.

Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.

The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!

I don't think that quitting your job to spend more time with your kids is analogous to OP throwing a tantrum in front of her toddler that she has to spend an extra 30 minutes with the child after spending all morning on her own time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.

Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.

The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.

Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.