Anonymous wrote:I've got a no kids family wedding coming up. Sadly, my kids would be really excited to go -- they love weddings. (They are teen/tween.) I hate weddings because I think all the lovey-dovey "we're the most special people in the world and we are marrying our soul mates" crap is so laughable. I've been married way too long. I mean, I'm happy for them and all, but some decades ago weddings became like these over-the-top celebration of the bride/groom with toast after toast full of platitudes and inside jokes and professions that these two people are the most special people ever to find each other on the face of the earth. And then half the time you don't even get decent cake because people decided that was too traditional and so they're going to do something "unique" like popsicles or something.
Don't worry -- DCUM, I'm spewing my cynicism here, so I can be all smiles for the bride and groom, who really are a very sweet couple. And I'm going to just leave my kids in a hotel room by themselves with the wifi password and hope for the best.

I like your diversion because it gives me the opportunity to make the observation I love making about weddings - the one about how statistics bear out that the larger and more expensive the wedding, the higher the correlation with divorce.

Spending tens of thousands on a fairytale wedding day is fine I guess, but lots of couples experience a lot of dysfunction in the lead up to the event and often that dysfunction pours over to other family members. This dysfunction is so common it is glorified in reality TV by our culture! Too many people- women especially - obsessed with the ‘princess for a day’ aspect of weddings today and not so focused on the pragmatism of lasting marriage.

My parents got married in my grandmother’s living room. Married 47 years until my mother’s death. I’ve seen so many big production weddings result in marriages that didn’t last 10. Not sure it’s worth that kind of investment - whether or not kids attend.

OP probably long gone. We got married no kids a long time ago and kept it small. You have other expenses : honeymoon save for home buy a car etc etc. money is real. Not everyone is a billlionaire

Haven’t read all the replies.

It’s not rude for them to have a child free wedding. It’s also not rude for you to decline the invitation for any reason you wish. An invitation is not a summons.

We’ve never had any family to watch our kids overnight (and no nanny or anything like that) so yes we do decline out of town weddings that don’t include kids. We are not resentful, we just politely decline and send a gift.

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Anonymous wrote:It seems like many people are confusing wedding with family reunion. Yes it’s great to see family and all the cousins babies friends plus1s and anyone else who wants to show up. BUT a wedding is about two people getting married and considerably expensive. It’s their choice not yours.

That is kind of an interesting perspective.

I never really thought about it as being about the two of us. The marriage is about the two of us, for sure. We invited people to the ceremony because people wanted to come and see us get married. We had a reception because a lot of people were flying in or driving a long way, and it seemed kind of crappy not to at least feed them after the ceremony. Maybe the wedding is about the two people getting married, but the reception is for the people who came out to be with you. It isn't about everyone you know trying to give you this special, magical day.

OK Kim Kardashian, everybody doesn’t have thousands or even millions of dollars to invite and pay for hundreds of all of their friends and relatives. And it’s really asinine that you would not admit that, realize that, or take that into consideration when talking about other people’s’ plans for, YES, THEIR special day !
Guess what? It’s a wedding it’s just that it’s a wedding it’s one of event, it’s not a lifetime and if you judge a lifetime of familial relationships
over one event that your behind is not paying for that says more about you than it does about the couple.

I guess you can see your family how you want to. I felt grateful that the people who came wanted to be present.
I didn’t feel entitled to have everyone I know jump hoops to make my SPECIAL DAY all about me. It’s just a different perspective.

Are you stupid? It’s about budget everybody does not have the budget to have all the kids in their family at their wedding what is it that you weren’t understanding about that?

It’s rarely about budget. If it were about budget, then the kids wouldn’t be invited to the family reunion either.
IME, the more expensive a wedding is, the less likely it is that children are invited.

Are you smoking meth? a wedding is not the same as a family reunion are you kidding me just one person or just one couple throw do not throw a family reunion.

Lol...I think I’m a bit more country than you guys are . I don’t think I have ever received a line item bill for my part of a family get together, and I’ve never issued one when I’ve hosted.
I’ve also been to a number of weddings where people other than the couple contributed food and drinks, (typically kids invited), and ones where people were expected to show up with envelopes full of hundreds (typically no kids invited).
It has NOT been my experience that people aren’t inviting kids because they can’t afford it.

Interesting observation....I've noticed the same thing. Example, my BIL and SIL had a very fancy, no-kids wedding. BIL is a VP of a huge company, so money wasn't an issue. Almost 15 years later, they still complain about the people who didn't give them cash gifts.

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with you completely. But you also have to do what the people hosting the wedding have decided. In your shoes, I left my kids at home with my husband and flew in for 36 hours for the wedding. I was really glad I did it - got quality time with my grandma, etc.

But yes, it is a bummer to attend a family wedding with a giant pile of aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and grandparents... but not kids.

Why is it a bummer?

Clearly you are not someone who values the opportunities to have large / extended families get together. Those experiences are highlights of my childhood and adult life and something I deeply cherish so yes, disappointing to not have this opportunity.

NP here, there are lots of opportunities to have large/extended family gatherings (pre-COVID) but IMO it is often a thankless job organizing and becomes an issue of money, time, and the difficulties of not everyone being happy/agreeing with what is planned. It’s like the little Red Hen, I think a lot of people value being the one attending the events with the kids and getting to see cousins etc but not to the extent of volunteering or looking for opportunities to take on responsibility for

-family reunions
-birthday parties for adults like grandma’s 95th birthday
-renting a beach house/vacation house together (that should be a subtopic on DCUM Family relationships unto itself)
-milestone anniversaries for parents, grandparents etc.
-hosting everyone for holidays so everyone can get together

To OP, I agree with posters of you want an event with the kids together, feel free to plan the event you want. It’s also perfectly valid to decide the childcare outweighs attending your cousin’s wedding, same as people declining because of financial constraints. We haven’t attended any destination weddings because of cost.

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Anonymous wrote:I wanted a nighttime wedding which IMO is incompatible with children. It was nice to have a beautiful adult affair before children took over my life lol.

At an evening reception there were sibs kids plus some others invited. Others were not. They fit within the capacity limit of the venue. These were the cost free declined baby sitting offers:
1. hotel suite with 3-4 sitters for ceremony and/or reception or as needed
2. 3-4 sitters at ceremony placed next to parents or stationed in the back of church as needed
3. church had big vestibule plus room to use and large terrace out front with grassy areas and gardens.

Parents and relatives including aunts, cousins, grandparents said they'd help etc so no need. Reality of that? GP's etc in gowns, tuxes or cocktail attire are not relinquishing their adult beautiful time so the parents can have their adult beautiful time.

So if kids not invited there can be option 1. If a teen isn't invited they can be part of the babysitting and get paid. There are capacity limits and what used to hold 125 might now be 50 or less. The babysitting area isn't part of that 50.

Grandparents don't help when a wedding is not happening - no way in hell they are helping in the midst of a wedding. If the grandparent wants to dictate
how someone else plans their day, the grandparents can pay for the wedding.

We were the childless couple getting married. Problems went beyond screaming-crying during the ceremony. Despite my offers the parents, GP's, etc wanted those kids present. There were numerous situations that were dangerous where the rescuers of the kids were people who didn't even know those kids and were reprimanded by some parents. Long dinner and some under a table- pulled on the cloth and entrees crashed so we also had 4 extra entrees on the bill. Clean up in aisle 5 - sorry table 5.

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Anonymous wrote:I wanted a nighttime wedding which IMO is incompatible with children. It was nice to have a beautiful adult affair before children took over my life lol.

At an evening reception there were sibs kids plus some others invited. Others were not. They fit within the capacity limit of the venue. These were the cost free declined baby sitting offers:
1. hotel suite with 3-4 sitters for ceremony and/or reception or as needed
2. 3-4 sitters at ceremony placed next to parents or stationed in the back of church as needed
3. church had big vestibule plus room to use and large terrace out front with grassy areas and gardens.

Parents and relatives including aunts, cousins, grandparents said they'd help etc so no need. Reality of that? GP's etc in gowns, tuxes or cocktail attire are not relinquishing their adult beautiful time so the parents can have their adult beautiful time.

So if kids not invited there can be option 1. If a teen isn't invited they can be part of the babysitting and get paid. There are capacity limits and what used to hold 125 might now be 50 or less. The babysitting area isn't part of that 50.

Grandparents don't help when a wedding is not happening - no way in hell they are helping in the midst of a wedding. If the grandparent wants to dictate
how someone else plans their day, the grandparents can pay for the wedding.

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I think we can end this thread as everyone is repeating themselves. Those who think children can be part of a wedding celebration won't convince those who want child free weddings and vice versa.

One unavoidable truth: you ain't in charge of someone else's wedding. So decline and get over it.

One more unavoidable truth: you can't force people to come yo your child free wedding. Get over yourself.

Who...is trying to force OP (or anyone) to go to this wedding? That has never happened. You are perhaps overestimating the degree to which anyone wants to see a cousin at their wedding.

+1

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to bring my kids to a wedding. They are too much work and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself.

I don’t think anyone is forcing you.

I don’t think I have ever been to a wedding where anyone local has brought their kids. It’s more people who are coming in from out of town, and want to turn it into a little vacation and introduce their kids to relatives they don’t see often who are all gathered in one place.

In my family, people bring their kids to funerals as well for similar reasons.

For the PP who mentions family reunions - you need to schedule, arrange, plan and pay for a family reunion, if that is what you want. Clearly, this is not what the bride and groom had in mind, and they are absolutely within their right. Kind of abhorrent how appalled one or two of you are that the bride and groom's day isn't about you and your little one.

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Anonymous wrote:I’m just curious how others feel and would handle out of state, family weddings where your child isn’t invited. I would like to go, we have a small family and it’s my only cousin but I think it’s rude to not invite our daughter since, in my opinion, weddings are about celebrating with family and friends (including kids!). My parents will be at the wedding and my husbands family lives abroad so they are unable to help.... most likely my husband will be skipping the festivities, which makes me sad. Again, just curious how people would react - it’s making me feel sad but I don’t want to cause hurt feelings by not attending.

Childen are a PITA at a wedding. I specifically said no children under age 16
It is their wedding, not yours and they can invite whom they choose.

If you don't like it then don't go

+1

It's not a party thrown in your honor - it is a celebration of the bride and groom. Get over it, OP.

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Anonymous wrote:It seems like many people are confusing wedding with family reunion. Yes it’s great to see family and all the cousins babies friends plus1s and anyone else who wants to show up. BUT a wedding is about two people getting married and considerably expensive. It’s their choice not yours.

That is kind of an interesting perspective.

I never really thought about it as being about the two of us. The marriage is about the two of us, for sure. We invited people to the ceremony because people wanted to come and see us get married. We had a reception because a lot of people were flying in or driving a long way, and it seemed kind of crappy not to at least feed them after the ceremony. Maybe the wedding is about the two people getting married, but the reception is for the people who came out to be with you. It isn't about everyone you know trying to give you this special, magical day.

OK Kim Kardashian, everybody doesn’t have thousands or even millions of dollars to invite and pay for hundreds of all of their friends and relatives. And it’s really asinine that you would not admit that, realize that, or take that into consideration when talking about other people’s’ plans for, YES, THEIR special day !
Guess what? It’s a wedding it’s just that it’s a wedding it’s one of event, it’s not a lifetime and if you judge a lifetime of familial relationships
over one event that your behind is not paying for that says more about you than it does about the couple.

I guess you can see your family how you want to. I felt grateful that the people who came wanted to be present.
I didn’t feel entitled to have everyone I know jump hoops to make my SPECIAL DAY all about me. It’s just a different perspective.

Are you stupid? It’s about budget everybody does not have the budget to have all the kids in their family at their wedding what is it that you weren’t understanding about that?

It’s rarely about budget. If it were about budget, then the kids wouldn’t be invited to the family reunion either.
IME, the more expensive a wedding is, the less likely it is that children are invited.

Are you smoking meth? a wedding is not the same as a family reunion are you kidding me just one person or just one couple throw do not throw a family reunion.

Lol...I think I’m a bit more country than you guys are . I don’t think I have ever received a line item bill for my part of a family get together, and I’ve never issued one when I’ve hosted.
I’ve also been to a number of weddings where people other than the couple contributed food and drinks, (typically kids invited), and ones where people were expected to show up with envelopes full of hundreds (typically no kids invited).
It has NOT been my experience that people aren’t inviting kids because they can’t afford it.

Our family reunions are at two beach houses and involve catered dinners, so yes, everyone pays the portion full r their family unit. We’ve also rebated cabins at a mountain resort and ate at the restaurants in the lodge.

If it was a BBQ at a public park like yours, sure, I’d happily cover the bill myself.

Ahh...yes. It makes sense why you don't have enough money to invite your only cousin's child to your wedding then.

Weddings aren’t “family events.” A wedding is whatever the bride and groom want it to be. Their wedding, their guest list, their choices. Go or don’t, but certainly don’t harangue them about it.

I've got a no kids family wedding coming up. Sadly, my kids would be really excited to go -- they love weddings. (They are teen/tween.) I hate weddings because I think all the lovey-dovey "we're the most special people in the world and we are marrying our soul mates" crap is so laughable. I've been married way too long. I mean, I'm happy for them and all, but some decades ago weddings became like these over-the-top celebration of the bride/groom with toast after toast full of platitudes and inside jokes and professions that these two people are the most special people ever to find each other on the face of the earth. And then half the time you don't even get decent cake because people decided that was too traditional and so they're going to do something "unique" like popsicles or something.
Don't worry -- DCUM, I'm spewing my cynicism here, so I can be all smiles for the bride and groom, who really are a very sweet couple. And I'm going to just leave my kids in a hotel room by themselves with the wifi password and hope for the best.

Anonymous wrote:I’m just curious how others feel and would handle out of state, family weddings where your child isn’t invited. I would like to go, we have a small family and it’s my only cousin but I think it’s rude to not invite our daughter since, in my opinion, weddings are about celebrating with family and friends (including kids!). My parents will be at the wedding and my husbands family lives abroad so they are unable to help.... most likely my husband will be skipping the festivities, which makes me sad. Again, just curious how people would react - it’s making me feel sad but I don’t want to cause hurt feelings by not attending.

Childen are a PITA at a wedding. I specifically said no children under age 16
It is their wedding, not yours and they can invite whom they choose.

If you don't like it then don't go