Anonymous
Post 10/21/2020 19:45     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
For me, my kids are my first priorities. I have a SO but I made sure that she understands about my priorities. I also don't believe in casually introducing SO to kids unless I could see a future with them. Everyone works on their pace but it took me 13 months to introduce my kids to my GF.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2020 12:49     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:why the pressure is always on the kids to make it work when adults couldn't do it in their previous marriages. Imaging the toll on them when you go through SOs and just call your own kids causality because you care more about yourself. Pathetic!


Yep, this. You can opt out of a bad marriage, well, I can opt out of bad steprelatives.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2020 11:46     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
why the pressure is always on the kids to make it work when adults couldn't do it in their previous marriages. Imaging the toll on them when you go through SOs and just call your own kids causality because you care more about yourself. Pathetic!
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2020 07:10     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I also doubt about this one. The partner without kids do get resentful after a while if the parent with kids are giving too much attention to the kids. There is a reason other partner does not have kids or don't deal with them and no way they are interested in handling the affair or sharing time with the kids that are not his/her. I could see a guy getting more impatient and resentful on this as handling kids or playing second fiddle gets boring pretty quick.


Don’t forget money is a big issue. I make it a point to not spend a cent on anything which isn’t my responsibility, including stepkids.


Fine, just don't screw them out of college financial aid.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2020 01:50     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:I also doubt about this one. The partner without kids do get resentful after a while if the parent with kids are giving too much attention to the kids. There is a reason other partner does not have kids or don't deal with them and no way they are interested in handling the affair or sharing time with the kids that are not his/her. I could see a guy getting more impatient and resentful on this as handling kids or playing second fiddle gets boring pretty quick.


Don’t forget money is a big issue. I make it a point to not spend a cent on anything which isn’t my responsibility, including stepkids.
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2020 10:49     Subject: Re:Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:
Yikes. Many angry people on here. My DH and I and our kids (together as a family since 12ish; now older teems) live peacefully together. I think egos need to be re-examined. Me me me me me!


Have you read this thread and other accounts of adult kids from divorced families? There is resentment from being forced to play a role growing up, splitting time for holidays, etc. as these kids have their own families. You want to believe your family is immune to this, but your kids may well disagree (even if they don't share it with you).


Yes! What you think of as "living peacefully", they may think of as living in a fake family, stifling their true thoughts and feelings, and appeasing your demands for validation by their silence. That isn't really peace. You do not know, and you may not ever know, what they really think. When they are adults and no longer under your control, you may be surprised at what comes out. And you will watch them struggle with the logistical demands of a complicated family for decades to come.
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2020 10:44     Subject: Re:Does a blended family actually work?
Yikes. Many angry people on here. My DH and I and our kids (together as a family since 12ish; now older teems) live peacefully together. I think egos need to be re-examined. Me me me me me!


Have you read this thread and other accounts of adult kids from divorced families? There is resentment from being forced to play a role growing up, splitting time for holidays, etc. as these kids have their own families. You want to believe your family is immune to this, but your kids may well disagree (even if they don't share it with you).
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2020 09:10     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Many angry people on here. My DH and I and our kids (together as a family since 12ish; now older teems) live peacefully together. I think egos need to be re-examined. Me me me me me!


That’s not going to sting the way you might have hoped because, frankly, many of us have heard it all before. Immature. Ungrateful. “Why don’t you want me to be happy for once?” “I can’t believe Larla isn’t over the divorce yet.”

The dynamic is not rocket science. The children learn that they are expected to play a certain role, and at minimum never express any dissatisfaction with the blended family arrangement. They pretend. They keep their mouth shut. The parents interpret this silence as meaning the blended family is working, and laud themselves for being sensitive, understanding, and mature, and the children for being “resilient.” That illusion must be protected at all costs, even on anonymous message boards.

It’s cool though, you do you. Sometimes it works great, I am sure, and even where it doesn’t it’s not the end of the world.
But many of us here are providing honest answers to OPs question, and I, at least, wanted to share the long-term emotional poker face required of many children in this situation.


+1000. The denial among divorced people on this thread is so predictable and so telling. They just cannot stand to hear what we have to say.
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2020 07:47     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Many angry people on here. My DH and I and our kids (together as a family since 12ish; now older teems) live peacefully together. I think egos need to be re-examined. Me me me me me!


That’s not going to sting the way you might have hoped because, frankly, many of us have heard it all before. Immature. Ungrateful. “Why don’t you want me to be happy for once?” “I can’t believe Larla isn’t over the divorce yet.”

The dynamic is not rocket science. The children learn that they are expected to play a certain role, and at minimum never express any dissatisfaction with the blended family arrangement. They pretend. They keep their mouth shut. The parents interpret this silence as meaning the blended family is working, and laud themselves for being sensitive, understanding, and mature, and the children for being “resilient.” That illusion must be protected at all costs, even on anonymous message boards.

It’s cool though, you do you. Sometimes it works great, I am sure, and even where it doesn’t it’s not the end of the world.
But many of us here are providing honest answers to OPs question, and I, at least, wanted to share the long-term emotional poker face required of many children in this situation.
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2020 03:09     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
My husband and I each had a kid from a previous relationship and they were only childs at the time, and a year apart. When we were dating the kids became really close friends. Their personalities are very similar. I have my child full time with her going to her dads every other weekend. My step child stayed with us every weekend and every school break including all summer. Stepchild comes over more often now during the week because she drives and comes mostly to hang out with my daughter. My husband and I always tried to treat each of them the same. I’d like to think our blended family works. Our kids are still best friends 10 years later. We do a lot of activities together and I think they enjoy it when all of us spend time together. We also have a small child together that both kids adore.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 18:46     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Yes, but a peaceful blended family only happens in very rare cases. There is always some drama, etc.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 15:26     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Many angry people on here. My DH and I and our kids (together as a family since 12ish; now older teems) live peacefully together. I think egos need to be re-examined. Me me me me me!


You never really know what your kids actually think, nor what they will thonk as adults.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 12:55     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Yikes. Many angry people on here. My DH and I and our kids (together as a family since 12ish; now older teems) live peacefully together. I think egos need to be re-examined. Me me me me me!
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2020 09:20     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
I also doubt about this one. The partner without kids do get resentful after a while if the parent with kids are giving too much attention to the kids. There is a reason other partner does not have kids or don't deal with them and no way they are interested in handling the affair or sharing time with the kids that are not his/her. I could see a guy getting more impatient and resentful on this as handling kids or playing second fiddle gets boring pretty quick.
Anonymous
Post 10/15/2020 13:00     Subject: Re:Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m sure there must be some family out there where it worked. The only one I know of was when the mom had one child from her first marriage and dad was not in the picture. Mom married her 2nd husband and they had one child when the first child was about 10. They seemed to do OK, but note-the first child was not going back and forth for visitation, and the new husband did not have kids of his own. So this situation was much simpler than others.

I have never seen it go well when both partners already came into the marriage with children. The divorce rate for that configuration is 70%, so......


Do you think it is better or easier when only one partner has kids and the other does not want to have her own biological kids?


I’m the PP. I think that’s probably the ideal scenario because it’s the least complicated. A lot of the problems people are citing arise just from the complexity of navigating family systems with two or three sets of siblings (bio, half bio, step) and half a dozen parents and all the corresponding households and schedules.

What I would recommend to the step parent in this scenario would be to let the bio parents do all of the “parenting”. The step parent can look for ways to connect with the stepchild and meet them where they are. Over time maybe goodwill and a bond will develop, maybe not. And make sure you support your spouse spending time with their child one on one, at least some of the time. I would aim for every visit should include at least some one on one time with the kid and parent. If the kid is with you full time, I think at least once a week the parent and kid should have a one on one outing or evening or afternoon in the house without new spouse there.