Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

where did OP mention this? OP's wife has a chip on her shoulder because there was no help from Mom, this sentiment didn't come out of thin air.

Op's wife resents her MIL for not helping her more with childcare needs, she resents her MIL for helping her SIL with childcare needs, she resents her SIL for not being more accepting of the help that Op's wife was trying to give her (whatever that means).

Basically Op's wife really dislikes her SIL and resents her MIL. Now she is using her embittered feelings to try to prevent her husband from helping his own parents during a crisis. The common denominator here is Op's wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

where did OP mention this? OP's wife has a chip on her shoulder because there was no help from Mom, this sentiment didn't come out of thin air.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

Even op acknowledged that his family didn't help when they needed it and did not suggest at all all the drama you've projected on to this situation.

Op's wife is being reasonable. She's right that whatever they offer now won't be it, the responsibilities will increasingly fall on op and his family, and his wife and kids will lose out. They've even stepped in and helped sil when she was in need, but she's too busy and cheap to do the same for others. This is something she and op need to figure out. Op's wife is setting reasonable boundaries.

Nope she's giving her husband ultimatums and telling him to choose between her or helping his parents. Her version of reason involves Op abdicating all responsibility towards his parents and placing this all on his sister to figure out. It also involves Op abandoning his Dad during the most difficult, heart wrenching, nightmarish time of his life.

Op's wife is an awful, awful woman. Sorry but she is...truly awful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

You need to take charge here with an eye to the future.

Your wife has had enough. You need to show her you're doing your level best to make your sister rise to the occasion, and to persuade your father that your mother will need more care well before he retires.

Then when it becomes clear after your sister and father do their part, that it's still not enough, your wife will be amenable to you making an extra effort, which may mean finding an aide, driving up there only once a week, coordinating the move to the nursing home, and contributing money to those costs.

You need to pressure your sister much more. You need to get on the phone with her, when your wife is within earshot, and really use all the arguments you have. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Explicitly tell her that she owes her mother, and now she needs to step up. Raise your voice if necessary. Remind her that your wife and yourself had her back and tried to help her before. Make it clear that she's a good-for-nothing if she doesn't do this for her mother. Not only does she need to visit, she also needs to pay her portion for hiring an aide and then possibly contributing to the nursing home. She can afford it.

Separately, you need to get on the phone with your father, also when your wife is around to listen, and convince him by degrees that your mother will decline quicker than he can retire. He is wise to continue working. Financial health is everything. But in the meantime, tell him it's not sustainable for you to drive in the late afternoon several times a week just to check in on your mother.

Enter the senior help, whether trained or not, finances will decide that. It could be a neighbor or student or whatever, as long as they have good references or you have a gut feeling they're honest. Hire someone to check on her daily.
Then you will push your father to get on waiting lists for nursing homes.

My MIL, a widow, has a rotation of women she interviewed and hired as cleaners and cooks a few years ago. Now she's in late Parkinson's and she absolutely relies on them. They are wonderful women who love my MIL and they take great care of her. One or two of them come several hours every day, to prepare all meals, dispense medication, and clean. They take turns depending on what other jobs they have to do, or what vacation they each take. It's taken such a burden of the family's shoulders. My two BILs visit regularly, but couldn't possible take care of their mother by themselves, as they both work full time and have their own families. My husband and I live an 8 hour plane ride away - DH is a doctor, he helps with the medical aspect of things.

Time to step up, OP.

Great advice.

It’s great advice if you have money. The OP stated his parents do not. That’s an incredibly expensive solution.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No. I have "issues" with spouses, especially spouses in helping professions, who would give their wife/husband a hard time for wanting to help out their own parent during a crisis. What Op's dad is dealing with right now is huge and Op needs to be there for his dad. No one is saying that he has to commit himself to providing long term dementia care for his mom.

What is happening with Op's mom did not happen overnight. She's been sick for awhile and, if Op has any relationship with his parents at all, he knows that something has been wrong with his mom for awhile, so does SIL. It has just now come to a head where their dad can no longer handle this alone. He needs help while he figures things out. I just find Op's wife's attitude disgusting - she appears to have little concern for her in-laws and zero empathy for what Op is going through. It's all about how this inconveniences HER and how SHE doesn't want to get involved and how SHE doesn't want to pay for a sitter. She is absolutely awful and Op shouldn't allow her crappy attitude to dictate his response to his parents' crisis.

I wouldn't have been quite so harsh, but I do agree. Here's the thing. OP's dad has everything handled except a 4 pm visit five days a week. OP's sister has refused to help, both financially, though she will take on two of those days each week. Does that suck? yes. But, maybe that's the best she can do given her circumstances. If she were my sister, this might change how I felt about her if I felt she could do more. But, OP can't fix this. Two days is all he's getting. OP's BIL isn't reliable for the reasons he's said. He can't magically change BIL. A neighbor or caregiver isn't going to work because the reason they need a family member is due to his mom's confusion. So those are out. OP knows his wife can't let go of bad feelings to his family, so he isn't looking at her to help with his mother. All he wants is a few hundred dollars a month to pay a baby sitter so that he can help out his parents.

Yes, this plan might go south and might not work. Long term care might be inevitable. But sometimes people need to try and OP's dad is giving it all he's got. If it doesn't work, they make a new one.

OP's wife is a social worker. She knows what the parental bond means, even as an adult. She is really making an ultimatum. How in the this world does any person put their spouse in this situation - pick my or your ill mother and desperate father in what are likely your mother's last period of life. It is a few hundred dollars a month. It's not like their kids are going to miss a meal or even that they won't be able to join the pool this summer or whatever else they like to do. For the person you love and built a family with, I just don't get this.

OP, I hope you figure out a solution. If it were me, at this point, I would just hire the babysitter and then tell my wife. You are at an impasse and no amount of talking is going to change things. And, then I would be ready for any fallout you expect given that your wife is such a bitter person with no compassion for you.

this would be OP's sister, not his wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

Even op acknowledged that his family didn't help when they needed it and did not suggest at all all the drama you've projected on to this situation.

Op's wife is being reasonable. She's right that whatever they offer now won't be it, the responsibilities will increasingly fall on op and his family, and his wife and kids will lose out. They've even stepped in and helped sil when she was in need, but she's too busy and cheap to do the same for others. This is something she and op need to figure out. Op's wife is setting reasonable boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

No. I have "issues" with spouses, especially spouses in helping professions, who would give their wife/husband a hard time for wanting to help out their own parent during a crisis. What Op's dad is dealing with right now is huge and Op needs to be there for his dad. No one is saying that he has to commit himself to providing long term dementia care for his mom.

What is happening with Op's mom did not happen overnight. She's been sick for awhile and, if Op has any relationship with his parents at all, he knows that something has been wrong with his mom for awhile, so does SIL. It has just now come to a head where their dad can no longer handle this alone. He needs help while he figures things out. I just find Op's wife's attitude disgusting - she appears to have little concern for her in-laws and zero empathy for what Op is going through. It's all about how this inconveniences HER and how SHE doesn't want to get involved and how SHE doesn't want to pay for a sitter. She is absolutely awful and Op shouldn't allow her crappy attitude to dictate his response to his parents' crisis.

I wouldn't have been quite so harsh, but I do agree. Here's the thing. OP's dad has everything handled except a 4 pm visit five days a week. OP's sister has refused to help, both financially, though she will take on two of those days each week. Does that suck? yes. But, maybe that's the best she can do given her circumstances. If she were my sister, this might change how I felt about her if I felt she could do more. But, OP can't fix this. Two days is all he's getting. OP's BIL isn't reliable for the reasons he's said. He can't magically change BIL. A neighbor or caregiver isn't going to work because the reason they need a family member is due to his mom's confusion. So those are out. OP knows his wife can't let go of bad feelings to his family, so he isn't looking at her to help with his mother. All he wants is a few hundred dollars a month to pay a baby sitter so that he can help out his parents.

Yes, this plan might go south and might not work. Long term care might be inevitable. But sometimes people need to try and OP's dad is giving it all he's got. If it doesn't work, they make a new one.

OP's wife is a social worker. She knows what the parental bond means, even as an adult. She is really making an ultimatum. How in the this world does any person put their spouse in this situation - pick my or your ill mother and desperate father in what are likely your mother's last period of life. It is a few hundred dollars a month. It's not like their kids are going to miss a meal or even that they won't be able to join the pool this summer or whatever else they like to do. For the person you love and built a family with, I just don't get this.

OP, I hope you figure out a solution. If it were me, at this point, I would just hire the babysitter and then tell my wife. You are at an impasse and no amount of talking is going to change things. And, then I would be ready for any fallout you expect given that your wife is such a bitter person with no compassion for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

Holy projection Batman!

This narrative you’ve created is nuts! This DIL is going to be vilified no matter what she does. Did you miss the parts where OP outlined how his wife tried to help his sister over the years? Even inviting her and the kids to stay with them at their house for extended periods of time. Yes, the OP’s wife is soooo evil. Now, the sisters Kids are older and the sister lives close to her mom. She’s the most natural person to help. Instead you’re trying to create a narrative where the DIL is evil for being unable to commit to TWO years of elder care for her MIL. All this while DIL has young kids who need care and lives an hour away. It just doesn’t make sense for her family to be the ones driving so much for the daily check-ins.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of you have never cared for a person with dementia and you way, way, way underestimate the level of care that is needed and the roller coaster manner in which the disease progresses.

The doctor who said “no more than four hours alone” was just trying to set a backstop so they find her bleeding and not already dead. Or the stove is on but the house hasn’t burned yet. Or she’s in soiled clothes but not long enough to cause an infection.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.