Anonymous
11/21/2019 21:21
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.
I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.
Yes, sexless marriages is normal especially after a woman raises kids and a man-child.
Looking back you should have considered her mental load.
Anonymous
11/21/2019 21:18
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Correct. PP, this is called the mental load and it's an ongoing theme in most marriages,
The "mental load" or "emotional labor" = made-up bullshit that women invent so they can feel put-upon and grumble about perfectly decent, hard-working, loving husbands. Sad!
You are clearly someone who doesn't carry any of the mental load.
Exactly. To that poster I will say that any given time I have 20+ notes on my phone of random crap that needs to be done. 70% of it is absolutely necessary (call xyz company about over billing, make ortho appt for Susie, P/T conference for Larlo, refill prescription, call chimney sweep for appt, make hotel
For johns wedding, return field trip forms) blah blah blah blah. The rest tends to be basic relationship stuff so that we live in a half civilized society (send aunt Edna a bday card, call sister and see how surgery went, whatever). Only rarely is there an “unnecessary” item on the list- like schedule family
Photos.
My DH is great and I love him. And if I ask specifically he will do most of the above. but I am the one who needs to remember, and I need to ask him specifically and tell him what tasks. Very little of it would get done otherwise.
Are you a procrastinator? Much of what you listed could be handled in about as much time as it took to put the reminder in your phone.
Then why don't you go it, bro?
Take these tasks and ease the mental load for your wife. You might get laid more.
Anonymous
11/21/2019 14:11
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Introvert/Extrovert
DH wants to be a homebody and be quiet together. I am non stop chit chat and busy! Hanging out quietly together is not my idea of a good time (unless we are having sex while the kids are napping and trying to keep it down).
Ours is also this, but in a different way. I value my 'village' and find joy in being part of a large social circle. DH is friendly enough, but would be content spending all of his time with me and our kids. I appreciate it sometimes (I like quiet nights at home as well) but we have been dropped from friend groups etc because hosting things stresses him out so much, he never wants to go out with the guys (this would be like, once every month or two to watch a game, not to a strip club nightly), he doesn't understand my allegiance to my friends and my sadness when these issues arise, etc.
You’ve been dropped from multiple friend groups because of this?
One group in particular, and the hosting issue is a situation with another. It's frustrating.
I'd rather be home with my DH and kids. You're wasting your time especially if they dropped you, lol. They did you a favor, your treasure is at home.
Anonymous
11/21/2019 11:38
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Introvert/Extrovert
DH wants to be a homebody and be quiet together. I am non stop chit chat and busy! Hanging out quietly together is not my idea of a good time (unless we are having sex while the kids are napping and trying to keep it down).
Ours is also this, but in a different way. I value my 'village' and find joy in being part of a large social circle. DH is friendly enough, but would be content spending all of his time with me and our kids. I appreciate it sometimes (I like quiet nights at home as well) but we have been dropped from friend groups etc because hosting things stresses him out so much, he never wants to go out with the guys (this would be like, once every month or two to watch a game, not to a strip club nightly), he doesn't understand my allegiance to my friends and my sadness when these issues arise, etc.
You’ve been dropped from multiple friend groups because of this?
One group in particular, and the hosting issue is a situation with another. It's frustrating.
Anonymous
11/21/2019 11:30
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:First one, lack of sex for me. I have a very high drive, he says he does too, but sex just happens once a week at the most.
Second, challenging schedule, he’s always busy and takes on more work at times when he should normally be available, and when i am off of work. I find out after the fact.
Also the need to over explain/clarify everything, hyper sensitivity, need to be right, lack of common sense. Tried to understand it and realized it comes from deep emotional issues and potentially evolved into a mental condition. I am very much attracted to him, he’s a very smart and caring person, and I want to work it out, but it’s proven impossible so far. I am not a shrink and don't want to act like one. It created too much stress to have very careful conversations and watch words to avoid having a flare up. Most likely latter of issues that have escalated are what prompted the busy schedule and lack of sex as a way to detach. It’s really sad.
You need to grow up. Life gets busy, you're still being intimate once a week. If you expect one person to meet all your needs you'll end up divorced a few times. Until finally one day you realize it was you all along. It's not sad, you have a great partner from everything I've read. Sorry, again it's you. Put your priorities where they belong.
Anonymous
11/21/2019 09:04
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:First one, lack of sex for me. I have a very high drive, he says he does too, but sex just happens once a week at the most.
Second, challenging schedule, he’s always busy and takes on more work at times when he should normally be available, and when i am off of work. I find out after the fact.
Also the need to over explain/clarify everything, hyper sensitivity, need to be right, lack of common sense. Tried to understand it and realized it comes from deep emotional issues and potentially evolved into a mental condition. I am very much attracted to him, he’s a very smart and caring person, and I want to work it out, but it’s proven impossible so far. I am not a shrink and don't want to act like one. It created too much stress to have very careful conversations and watch words to avoid having a flare up. Most likely latter of issues that have escalated are what prompted the busy schedule and lack of sex as a way to detach. It’s really sad.
What's your number? I can fill in the gaps.
Anonymous
11/21/2019 08:55
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.
I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.[/quotes
That’s on you. You should be communicating with her that’s not how you see your future together. If you’re considering divorce, there should be no surprises on her end.
Anonymous
11/21/2019 07:35
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.
I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.
Tell us about your affair partner because THAT is how sexless couples grow old together
Well, if you must know, I had a short term AP and it ended and I am not interested in doing it again. More trouble than worth it
Anonymous
11/21/2019 06:45
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.
I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.
Tell us about your affair partner because THAT is how sexless couples grow old together
Anonymous
11/21/2019 03:25
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.
I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.
I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.
Anonymous
11/20/2019 22:54
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
First one, lack of sex for me. I have a very high drive, he says he does too, but sex just happens once a week at the most.
Second, challenging schedule, he’s always busy and takes on more work at times when he should normally be available, and when i am off of work. I find out after the fact.
Also the need to over explain/clarify everything, hyper sensitivity, need to be right, lack of common sense. Tried to understand it and realized it comes from deep emotional issues and potentially evolved into a mental condition. I am very much attracted to him, he’s a very smart and caring person, and I want to work it out, but it’s proven impossible so far. I am not a shrink and don't want to act like one. It created too much stress to have very careful conversations and watch words to avoid having a flare up. Most likely latter of issues that have escalated are what prompted the busy schedule and lack of sex as a way to detach. It’s really sad.
Second, challenging schedule, he’s always busy and takes on more work at times when he should normally be available, and when i am off of work. I find out after the fact.
Also the need to over explain/clarify everything, hyper sensitivity, need to be right, lack of common sense. Tried to understand it and realized it comes from deep emotional issues and potentially evolved into a mental condition. I am very much attracted to him, he’s a very smart and caring person, and I want to work it out, but it’s proven impossible so far. I am not a shrink and don't want to act like one. It created too much stress to have very careful conversations and watch words to avoid having a flare up. Most likely latter of issues that have escalated are what prompted the busy schedule and lack of sex as a way to detach. It’s really sad.
Anonymous
11/19/2019 21:39
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:so for 12:04 and 12:46, what does the emotional intimacy/connection look like for you? (genuinely asking)
I’ve heard it said that women give sex to get love, and men give love to get sex. A generalization, of course, but I find truth in it. When you’re dating, the sex is frequent and hot—men want that to last forever. The level of emotional engagement is usually “hot” too—deep conversation, genuine interest, disclosure, listening and curiosity. Women want that to last forever. In reality, of course, it all ebbs and flows, and kids, financial and household responsibilities eat up time and energy. But neither person in a couple wants the kind of intimacy they value to dry up entirely, and it’s all too easy to grow resentful when it does—and to think about what you’re not getting rather than how to break the impasse. Chicken and egg.
This is definitely one of the worst adolescent theories I've read on this site. You're like one step from becoming an incel, dude.
Anonymous
11/19/2019 21:37
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:At age 53 she is done with sex. I am not.
“Done” in what way? Entirely?
If you stay with her, it doesn't matter.
Don’t worry no man is done just because his wife is done. Another sexless marriage saved by opening it.
Anonymous
11/19/2019 20:07
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:so for 12:04 and 12:46, what does the emotional intimacy/connection look like for you? (genuinely asking)
I’ve heard it said that women give sex to get love, and men give love to get sex. A generalization, of course, but I find truth in it. When you’re dating, the sex is frequent and hot—men want that to last forever. The level of emotional engagement is usually “hot” too—deep conversation, genuine interest, disclosure, listening and curiosity. Women want that to last forever. In reality, of course, it all ebbs and flows, and kids, financial and household responsibilities eat up time and energy. But neither person in a couple wants the kind of intimacy they value to dry up entirely, and it’s all too easy to grow resentful when it does—and to think about what you’re not getting rather than how to break the impasse. Chicken and egg.
Anonymous
11/19/2019 19:12
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:At age 53 she is done with sex. I am not.
“Done” in what way? Entirely?
If you stay with her, it doesn't matter.