Anonymous wrote:OP, if your DH were writing this entry, it would
most likely state: MY DW has strong opinions about everything big or small, so I have learned to defer to her and ask her opinion on even the smallest decisions because chances are—according to her—if I decide somethjng or make a choice, I’m doing it wrong or making the wrong choice.
But now she claims I am lazy and can’t make decisions and she is overwhelmed with this burden.
If I try to take things off her plate like taking our child to the doctor, she claims that this doesn’t help because I don’t take notes at the appointment the way she would. Or if I take in the task of giving out child the daily dose of required medication, she will micromanage to “make sure” that I am pouring the medication into the cup precisely the way she would do it.

She says she can’t trust me to do things and that I am lazy and stupid. And then
she wonders why I get nervous and anxious when she speaks to me this way.
What should I do to make her happy?

……
And the answer would probably be “nothing. She is determined to be unhappy with you, OP”

Anonymous wrote:Nah, you just sound like an insufferable nag, OP. Husband has learned you are a close minded and toxic person. I bet for years you asked husband opinions and advice on topics and issues and he provided input, yet 100% of the time it was disregarded and you both had to go with your way or the highway. Husband has learned to stop GAF about your incessant nagging and neediness, because it won't matter what he says. Much easier to defer to your decisions anyway, because no matter what the says you'll just be contrarian and do the opposite.

Many women are like this. They ask for opinions when they don't really want any.

Anonymous wrote:Nah, you just sound like an insufferable nag, OP. Husband has learned you are a close minded and toxic person. I bet for years you asked husband opinions and advice on topics and issues and he provided input, yet 100% of the time it was disregarded and you both had to go with your way or the highway. Husband has learned to stop GAF about your incessant nagging and neediness, because it won't matter what he says. Much easier to defer to your decisions anyway, because no matter what the says you'll just be contrarian and do the opposite.

Many women are like this. They ask for opinions when they don't really want any.

Anonymous wrote:Once a spouse loses respect for other spouse, the relationship is doomed.

Anonymous wrote:He is also lazy.

I think the nice way to put this would be something like “exhibits deficits in executive functioning” and is “inattentive,” but the truth is that he is a stupid and lazy man. In decisions big and small, he doesn’t have any ideas, asks me questions like “what should we do?” as if I have a manual, and shuts down easily. When crises hit, I am both the idea person and the doer. I can’t entrust tasks to him because the simplest job is an opportunity to shirk, forget, or make some idiotic mistake I couldn’t even imagine was possible.

Before we had a child and all sorts of difficulties hit, his deficits were well hidden. He was slow to do basic things, but there was not nearly as much to do. And I am a very energetic, take-charge person who naturally assumes responsibility. Now, however, there is simply too much for me to take on, no matter how much energy I have. I work 60-80 hour weeks, while he works no more than 40. Yet, I have to do most things.

He can’t be trusted with our child’s appointments because when he goes, he checks out and forgets to tell the doctor important information and then forgets what the doctor told him. He can’t be trusted with our child’s medication because it is a controlled substance with a precise dose and he likes to pour “roughly” enough. He forgets to feed her when I’m not home. He can’t even grocery shop.

It has gotten to the point at which I struggle to talk to him with respect, which makes him even more nervous and helpless. I have never heard of sheer stupidity as a ground for divorce, but that is where I am.

Anonymous wrote:OP you BOTH are stupid. That is why you married. Like attracts like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestions in this thread are killing what little hope I have. They all boil down to re-raising this man-child and sending him to therapy/treatment while I continue to slave, in the hopes he may be remotely useful one day. And that is even assuming I can convince him he needs help. All of this is a huge ask and not feasible in our current lives.

I know the “right” thing to say here is that I am going to spend what little free time I have helping him get better, but I can’t do this. I cannot parent this helpless adult. I have carried him for almost a decade now and am out of patience and love. I am angry and tired and wish I had never met him. It is simply not fair to ask women (who would ask this of a man?) to take on so much.

I have about 5 years to go until DD is old enough to take care of herself in a shared custody scenario. In the meantime, I am ready to give up on him and cheat to get by.

Cheating is another task to be managed. If he isn’t creating problems just raise your kid and let him coexist alongside you two. Stop trying to co-parent or ask his opinion just do the shit that needs doing and he can amble along behind you and get in where he fits in.