Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH was very sweet to me, but also immature when we first met, and he basically told his friends that he was just using me for a "good lay" and thought I was stupid. Even before he proposed, when his friends would ask if it was getting serious, he would say "nah, it's not like that. NOTHING like that. haha." He then got stuck in that weird role, so after we were engaged he would joke about me being his "ball and chain" and trying to get pregnant and "hook him." And, well, of course, a couple months before the wedding, I got pregnant, did not know any of this, and was happily announcing to everyone there (I was 32, diagnosed with severe endometriosis and told that infertility was a real possibility -- plus I wasn't drinking and made our toast with chocolate milk!).

I found out about all this bad-mouthing years and two-kids later, when I heard a concerned friend talk to him in our pantry about "getting out" because he was so unhappy and just "pretending". It's been an emotional roller coaster over the past few weeks as I confronted him and then he has started to open up about the issues and I have started to piece them together. We are talking about counseling, but I want to know if I can ever bounce back from being bad-mouthed with his friends.

Some of DH's friends somewhat like me because they hang out with us, but many of them only see him when he "gets away" from me. (This gets bizarre, but is sadly true -- they plan coed "boys" trips so he can have an excuse and the only uninvited wife is me and it's been happening for years.) And, two of his high school friends did a "tough love pack" (that is what they called it) where they are not talking to him until he divorces me.

This is far above our heads. DH is as scared as me. We obviously will need professional help with someone who specializes in this issue. But, I need to know if there is any real hope for me to be accepted by his friends. I was thinking of writing a personal letter to each one of them (starting with the two who did the "tough love pack" since there is nothing to lose) and explaining what happened. Thoughts? I loved my marriage, but I feel more betrayed than if he had just had an anoymous one-night stand and no one knew. This has been going on for at least 4 years now.

I have a different take on this - I think the husband has been with another woman possibly many of the times he was out solo with “friends”; maybe the conversation overheard between him and a friend who was asking when he was going to get out etc was in response to the husband telling his buddy his wife was awful and that’s why he has another woman. I don’t know any men who would ice out the wife for years and think it was normal that their friend stayed with her but spoke with so little respect for her. It just doesn’t seem realistic . Even if they’re all jerks I truly don’t believe the situation as it was told to OP happened.

And if she overheard one friend saying get out, you’re unhappy etc why did her husband tell her all the rest? The coed trips , the “pact”- if his friends did do all of that (doubtful) but he was concerned about his wife he would do what most people do when caught behaving badly- lie and minimize the truth to avoid further hurting the spouse. He would have said he was venting to a friend about a rough patch or something similar and then apologized and not gone on to detail the rest. Maybe he has said horrible things either because he’s just a jerk or to explain another woman but telling her the rest seems like he’s almost hoping for the OP to say enough, I want out. Then he’s not the one to make the decision and could blame her for the marriage ending. I don’t know but I know this guy isn’t suddenly being a stand up nice honest guy. And if he was, he wouldn’t refuse to put the OP before friends.

I agree with the posters who suggested talking to the friends who aren’t in his life right now; or possibly try the wives or girlfriends of his friends and saying woman to woman my husband said xyz & I know I am not getting the full story, what am I missing? If another woman came to me in similar circumstances I would be uncomfortable but honest. Most people don’t act like this. Even people who are immature or overall jerks don’t go on for years trashing a friends spouse and there’s no way a group of people all think this is normal. I’ve had couple friends where no one really likes one spouse - like the alcoholic guy who gets sloppy drunk and is disrespectful to his wife- but they will put him in check in the moment and then both he and his wife are the first to jump in and stop any negative comments about the other. They can talk badly sometimes each other, but no one else can.

And OP- no letters are a bad idea. I also wouldn’t assume he would actually send them or send emails to these people (maybe he’d make up email addresses who knows). He won’t talk to them openly in front of you because what he told you is BS. It’s hard, I’m sorry this happened- but if you are worried about your kids put emotion aside. Think- this will not get better. You’re husband is a terrible father to trash his wife and the mom of his children to his friends. Big picture he is not concerned about protecting the family he helped create. You need to not keep talking about it to him, go see a counselor on your own, get copies of any financial records, and meet with an attorney just to know what your options are if you decide - or he does because I really think he wants out- to split. I wouldn’t sleep with him either without protection because I 100% believe he’s got somebody else around and I’d get checked for STDS.

I really hope you can step back and imagine a friend or sister said her husband did these things; wouldn’t your first thought be she doesn’t deserve that and it’s sooooo not normal or acceptable? I think your husband has made you insecure and scared but you can get out and will be better off single by a thousand times! And down the road you can find a normal loving man who will be a partner. Don’t settle for this- if not for you do better for your kids. My mom was an alcoholic and not always a great mom or a nice wife but my dad never let anyone talk badly about her, and the one friend that did ended up with a broken nose and was no longer welcome in the group. He isn’t a man, please don’t live like this is ok Good luck

Anonymous wrote:DH was very sweet to me, but also immature when we first met, and he basically told his friends that he was just using me for a "good lay" and thought I was stupid. Even before he proposed, when his friends would ask if it was getting serious, he would say "nah, it's not like that. NOTHING like that. haha." He then got stuck in that weird role, so after we were engaged he would joke about me being his "ball and chain" and trying to get pregnant and "hook him." And, well, of course, a couple months before the wedding, I got pregnant, did not know any of this, and was happily announcing to everyone there (I was 32, diagnosed with severe endometriosis and told that infertility was a real possibility -- plus I wasn't drinking and made our toast with chocolate milk!).

I found out about all this bad-mouthing years and two-kids later, when I heard a concerned friend talk to him in our pantry about "getting out" because he was so unhappy and just "pretending". It's been an emotional roller coaster over the past few weeks as I confronted him and then he has started to open up about the issues and I have started to piece them together. We are talking about counseling, but I want to know if I can ever bounce back from being bad-mouthed with his friends.

Some of DH's friends somewhat like me because they hang out with us, but many of them only see him when he "gets away" from me. (This gets bizarre, but is sadly true -- they plan coed "boys" trips so he can have an excuse and the only uninvited wife is me and it's been happening for years.) And, two of his high school friends did a "tough love pack" (that is what they called it) where they are not talking to him until he divorces me.

This is far above our heads. DH is as scared as me. We obviously will need professional help with someone who specializes in this issue. But, I need to know if there is any real hope for me to be accepted by his friends. I was thinking of writing a personal letter to each one of them (starting with the two who did the "tough love pack" since there is nothing to lose) and explaining what happened. Thoughts? I loved my marriage, but I feel more betrayed than if he had just had an anoymous one-night stand and no one knew. This has been going on for at least 4 years now.