Anonymous
12/21/2016 16:22
Subject: Re:what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
My high school "personal and family issues" class teacher told us about her best friend who cheated on her now husband at a party in college and got knocked up. People literally walked in on them having sex at the party and told the husband, but he didn't believe them. The other guy was black, and when the baby was born biracial the husband pretended not to notice and still to this day raises the child as his own. So bizarre.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 16:19
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Pp, a friend of mine almost killed himself (now brain damaged) when he found out his father, who he admired, was having an affair. So, kids get hurt.
My suggestion was that it was how the parents handled the affair that made or broke the children of the marriage. I'd be interested to know how his parents handled (ie, how did he find out, how did his mom react, were the parents still Coparenting or was it world War 3?
Anonymous
12/21/2016 15:14
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Pp, a friend of mine almost killed himself (now brain damaged) when he found out his father, who he admired, was having an affair. So, kids get hurt.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 13:19
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I am not the "incredibly damaged" PP, but how do you know how incredibly damaged the son was? or does it not matter because you weren't incredibly damaged?
You are right, I don't know. I can't fault my parents for giving me an intact, tranquil home.
How would you feel if your dad divorced your mom and chose to cut contact with you because he wanted to give his other children a stable home?
What other children?
If he chose to remarry and have other children.
Children of marriage #1 do not threaten the stability of marriage #2, because a) there has been a formal marriage and divorce, b) wife #2 knew her husband was married before and had other children, there was no deception, and she was presumably fine with this when she married him. She went into this with her eyes open. These two scenarios are not anywhere comparable.
I am asking a specific PP whose dad does not speak with his son from his first marriage. PP and sibling are from second marriage.
I'm sure I would feel horrible. My point was to counter the earlier comment that ALL children are INCREDIBLY psychologically damaged by this. Well, I had no contact with my half sibling and I am not damaged by it in the slightest.
FWIW I wasn't the one who specifically invoked the 'incredibly psychologically damaged' line but I would think that the child most at risk of damage is the illegitimate one. I think the children in the marriage are at risk to have a volatile relationship with the parent that put the family at risk but the only way I see the children of the marriage being 'incredibly' damaged is if the married couple goes the super bitter angry fighting route which frequently puts the kids in the middle of the conflict. If your parents are amicable and kind to one another, together or apart, I think that's a good sign that the kids will all be alright. If your parents are angry and hateful towards each other, then regardless of whether or not the marriage is intact, the kids will be damaged.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 12:55
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I am not the "incredibly damaged" PP, but how do you know how incredibly damaged the son was? or does it not matter because you weren't incredibly damaged?
You are right, I don't know. I can't fault my parents for giving me an intact, tranquil home.
How would you feel if your dad divorced your mom and chose to cut contact with you because he wanted to give his other children a stable home?
What other children?
If he chose to remarry and have other children.
Children of marriage #1 do not threaten the stability of marriage #2, because a) there has been a formal marriage and divorce, b) wife #2 knew her husband was married before and had other children, there was no deception, and she was presumably fine with this when she married him. She went into this with her eyes open. These two scenarios are not anywhere comparable.
I am asking a specific PP whose dad does not speak with his son from his first marriage. PP and sibling are from second marriage.
I'm sure I would feel horrible. My point was to counter the earlier comment that ALL children are INCREDIBLY psychologically damaged by this. Well, I had no contact with my half sibling and I am not damaged by it in the slightest.
Got you. I missed your point.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 12:44
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I am not the "incredibly damaged" PP, but how do you know how incredibly damaged the son was? or does it not matter because you weren't incredibly damaged?
You are right, I don't know. I can't fault my parents for giving me an intact, tranquil home.
How would you feel if your dad divorced your mom and chose to cut contact with you because he wanted to give his other children a stable home?
What other children?
If he chose to remarry and have other children.
Children of marriage #1 do not threaten the stability of marriage #2, because a) there has been a formal marriage and divorce, b) wife #2 knew her husband was married before and had other children, there was no deception, and she was presumably fine with this when she married him. She went into this with her eyes open. These two scenarios are not anywhere comparable.
I am asking a specific PP whose dad does not speak with his son from his first marriage. PP and sibling are from second marriage.
I'm sure I would feel horrible. My point was to counter the earlier comment that ALL children are INCREDIBLY psychologically damaged by this. Well, I had no contact with my half sibling and I am not damaged by it in the slightest.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 12:32
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I am not the "incredibly damaged" PP, but how do you know how incredibly damaged the son was? or does it not matter because you weren't incredibly damaged?
You are right, I don't know. I can't fault my parents for giving me an intact, tranquil home.
How would you feel if your dad divorced your mom and chose to cut contact with you because he wanted to give his other children a stable home?
What other children?
If he chose to remarry and have other children.
Children of marriage #1 do not threaten the stability of marriage #2, because a) there has been a formal marriage and divorce, b) wife #2 knew her husband was married before and had other children, there was no deception, and she was presumably fine with this when she married him. She went into this with her eyes open. These two scenarios are not anywhere comparable.
I am asking a specific PP whose dad does not speak with his son from his first marriage. PP and sibling are from second marriage.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 12:24
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I am not the "incredibly damaged" PP, but how do you know how incredibly damaged the son was? or does it not matter because you weren't incredibly damaged?
You are right, I don't know. I can't fault my parents for giving me an intact, tranquil home.
How would you feel if your dad divorced your mom and chose to cut contact with you because he wanted to give his other children a stable home?
What other children?
If he chose to remarry and have other children.
Children of marriage #1 do not threaten the stability of marriage #2, because a) there has been a formal marriage and divorce, b) wife #2 knew her husband was married before and had other children, there was no deception, and she was presumably fine with this when she married him. She went into this with her eyes open. These two scenarios are not anywhere comparable.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 12:15
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I am not the "incredibly damaged" PP, but how do you know how incredibly damaged the son was? or does it not matter because you weren't incredibly damaged?
You are right, I don't know. I can't fault my parents for giving me an intact, tranquil home.
How would you feel if your dad divorced your mom and chose to cut contact with you because he wanted to give his other children a stable home?
What other children?
If he chose to remarry and have other children.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 11:55
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I am not the "incredibly damaged" PP, but how do you know how incredibly damaged the son was? or does it not matter because you weren't incredibly damaged?
You are right, I don't know. I can't fault my parents for giving me an intact, tranquil home.
How would you feel if your dad divorced your mom and chose to cut contact with you because he wanted to give his other children a stable home?
What other children?
Anonymous
12/21/2016 11:53
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I am not the "incredibly damaged" PP, but how do you know how incredibly damaged the son was? or does it not matter because you weren't incredibly damaged?
You are right, I don't know. I can't fault my parents for giving me an intact, tranquil home.
Nobody is saying you should.
We are saying that it takes a special kind of man to abandon his child, and it takes a special kind of woman to love that man.
We do not know the circumstances in your case((maybe the first wife wanted nothing to do with him?), so nobody is saying your father is that special kind of man.
I can't disagree with this. I think many of us eventually find out our parents have clay feet. They are flawed people just like everyone else.
Even if my dad is that special kind of man, my mother and he must have decided that this is what's best for the family and the children. I can't fault them for this because they did do a good job with the family and the kids, and are still together. I'm not saying it was a perfect decision, I'm saying they did well by me and my sister. So at least for us kids, it was a good decision because we aren't damaged in any way. I don't really know what happened there, I believe the first wife moved away, but I do know that dad never saw the kid, and I know that I have zero interest or inclination to see him.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 11:51
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I am not the "incredibly damaged" PP, but how do you know how incredibly damaged the son was? or does it not matter because you weren't incredibly damaged?
You are right, I don't know. I can't fault my parents for giving me an intact, tranquil home.
How would you feel if your dad divorced your mom and chose to cut contact with you because he wanted to give his other children a stable home?
Anonymous
12/21/2016 11:47
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I am not the "incredibly damaged" PP, but how do you know how incredibly damaged the son was? or does it not matter because you weren't incredibly damaged?
You are right, I don't know. I can't fault my parents for giving me an intact, tranquil home.
Nobody is saying you should.
We are saying that it takes a special kind of man to abandon his child, and it takes a special kind of woman to love that man.
We do not know the circumstances in your case((maybe the first wife wanted nothing to do with him?), so nobody is saying your father is that special kind of man.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 11:46
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I feel like this thread is DCUM at its most batshit crazy. Can you guys hear yourself? "Separating a woman from her biological child is lethal but separating a man is merely painful"
Jeeeeesus. I've said it a few times in this thread but you are all about preserving the 'marriage' over basically everything else in the world. Including your own values, general morality, and a completely innocent baby's well being.
I also echo another PP. Apparently being married to a dead beat is ok with some of you as long as he never talks to his side piece again but in my world? Any man who has accepted that he is not allowed to see his own child, his own flesh and blood, is not the type of man I want to be married to. I would be absolutely disgusted.
I almost broke up with my DH when we were dating because HIS BROTHER had a baby in college with a girlfriend that he walked away from and the whole family seemed kind of ok with it. It was only until I talked to him about it more and learned that DH had kind of been keeping tabs on the girl and making sure she was alright that I thought he was ok. Walking away from a child is a horrific thing for an adult to do.
No one is about preserving the marriage over everything else. That type of infidelity shatters marriages and any woman who decides to divorce over this has my enthusiastic support. If this is not for you, it doesn't have to be!
For those who decide to try and rebuild the marriage, do you think they should NOT know about the scenarios that give them the best shot?
I want to address your comment I bolded above. There is no "general morality" about this. Until less than a hundred years ago, men were expected to ignore their illegitimate children. The idea that ALL children need to be embraced, much less prioritized, is a very new one. Don't oversell this as "general morality", because it isn't.
As for the wellbeing of an innocent baby, well of course it is important, but is it more important than everything else? More important than the wellbeing of the children of marriage? More important than the wellbeing of the wife? Why? They too are innocent so why should the baby be the priority to the detriment of everyone else?
Alternately, why should anyone else take priority over the baby?
Using your general morality argument (fallacy), based on historical precedent, we also shouldn't be upset about rape, because that's what happened to women with little consequence until very recently. Right?
Anonymous
12/21/2016 11:43
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:
I am not the "incredibly damaged" PP, but how do you know how incredibly damaged the son was? or does it not matter because you weren't incredibly damaged?
You are right, I don't know. I can't fault my parents for giving me an intact, tranquil home.