Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:South Asians take note. Don't invite the whites to the wedding. They will post about your invite, mock your customs and yet they will still be the ones offended.

I think the way to deal with this and not cause the sort of fracas you see on this subject is really simple:

- one option is not to invite whites or others who would not be able to relate to South Asian customs regarding gift giving
- if you are still going to invite them then don't include anything about gifts or boxed gifts or cash
- have a wedding registry just for those who are not comfortable with the South Asian way of doing these things
- for someone who does get such an invite and is uncomfortable with the type of gift, then either do not go or accept the invitation but don't give any gift

It is difficult for even well-intentioned people not familiar with South Asian ways of doing these things to adjust to demands/requests for cash gifts.

I am a South Asian and I can assure you that there is no South Asian way of dealing with the issue of wedding gifts. South Asians who have lived in the US all their lives approach this as any American would. They would not specify the type of gift they want on an invitation and a wedding registry is the usual format used. Frankly, many would view it as crass and vulgar to ask for cash.

What you are seeing here is really South Asians importing to the US the way they do things in India. It does not make it right or wrong though it does create the potential for misunderstanding among those not familiar with South Asian traditions as practised in some parts of India.

An example of this is the PP who came to the US at the age of 18 years who has been defending gift giving in the form of cash. It is what she is familiar with but would be viewed as an anomaly by most South Asians raised here. I don't say this as a value judgement because for her - given the environment in which she was raised - it is what she views as the norm.

South Asians who have lived here all their lives sometimes end up in conflicts with their parents about wedding arrangments. They are less prone to go with the elaborate weddings with 500+ guests that their parents may want. For the parents who they invite is a matter of social obligations, a desire to impress their social group, wanting the best for their children which somehow translates into a large wedding, etc.

My cousin, when he got married, put his foot down and said that he and his fiance wanted a small wedding - there were less than 60 guests with just immediate family and close friends of the couple. It was a beautiful wedding in a wonderful setting and they specifically said they did not want any gifts but to instead donate the money that would have been spent on gifts to a couple of named charities. BTW, the size of the wedding had nothing to do with what they could afford. It was just a personal preference. The parents held a reception several weeks after the event mainly because they felt socially obligated to do so and at the request of the couple they asked that any gifts be donated to the same charities.

What on earth? I've never seen a wedding invitation in India say "no boxed gifts." I also don't see anything wrong with a gift giver giving cash if that's what the giver wants to do. The only problem here is the recipient is telling everyone that certain gifts will not be accepted. I don't know anyone in India who would actually say that to a wedding invitee, and I don't believe it's because cash is already the customary gift. It's because in India, just like everywhere else in the world, telling the gift giver that certain gifts will not be accepted is insulting and offensive. Period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most judgmental thread I have ever read on DCUM...

I don't know about it being the most judgmental thread because there are lots of those.

What I do wonder is if this had been about some ethnic group or racial group other than South Asians, would we have seen the same degree of vitriol? For whatever reason, Indians seem to come under attack and criticism a lot more than other groups on this forum.

hah. I did a traditional Hungarian dollar dance to a polka. Considering we had a black tie wedding, we weren't in it for the money (and it wasn't mandatory to drop a dollar in), but omg some people get so upset about other culture's traditions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most judgmental thread I have ever read on DCUM...

I don't know about it being the most judgmental thread because there are lots of those.

What I do wonder is if this had been about some ethnic group or racial group other than South Asians, would we have seen the same degree of vitriol? For whatever reason, Indians seem to come under attack and criticism a lot more than other groups on this forum.

Completely agree and was wondering the same thing once this thread got beyond 10 pages.

Anonymous wrote:Most judgmental thread I have ever read on DCUM...

I don't know about it being the most judgmental thread because there are lots of those.

What I do wonder is if this had been about some ethnic group or racial group other than South Asians, would we have seen the same degree of vitriol? For whatever reason, Indians seem to come under attack and criticism a lot more than other groups on this forum.

Anonymous wrote:Most judgmental thread I have ever read on DCUM...

Some posts are judgmental, but many are just from people describing what they do and how they feel about wedding customs. I'm interested to see how people see things differently and I'm happy to describe how I see things.

Everyone can do whatever they want in regard to weddings, but it's interesting to hear the thought process behind the many possible choices.

Anonymous wrote:Most judgmental thread I have ever read on DCUM...

I guess you are new to DCUM!

Most judgmental thread I have ever read on DCUM...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:South Asians take note. Don't invite the whites to the wedding. They will post about your invite, mock your customs and yet they will still be the ones offended.

I think the way to deal with this and not cause the sort of fracas you see on this subject is really simple:

- one option is not to invite whites or others who would not be able to relate to South Asian customs regarding gift giving
- if you are still going to invite them then don't include anything about gifts or boxed gifts or cash
- have a wedding registry just for those who are not comfortable with the South Asian way of doing these things
- for someone who does get such an invite and is uncomfortable with the type of gift, then either do not go or accept the invitation but don't give any gift

It is difficult for even well-intentioned people not familiar with South Asian ways of doing these things to adjust to demands/requests for cash gifts.

I am a South Asian and I can assure you that there is no South Asian way of dealing with the issue of wedding gifts. South Asians who have lived in the US all their lives approach this as any American would. They would not specify the type of gift they want on an invitation and a wedding registry is the usual format used. Frankly, many would view it as crass and vulgar to ask for cash.

What you are seeing here is really South Asians importing to the US the way they do things in India. It does not make it right or wrong though it does create the potential for misunderstanding among those not familiar with South Asian traditions as practised in some parts of India.

An example of this is the PP who came to the US at the age of 18 years who has been defending gift giving in the form of cash. It is what she is familiar with but would be viewed as an anomaly by most South Asians raised here. I don't say this as a value judgement because for her - given the environment in which she was raised - it is what she views as the norm.

South Asians who have lived here all their lives sometimes end up in conflicts with their parents about wedding arrangments. They are less prone to go with the elaborate weddings with 500+ guests that their parents may want. For the parents who they invite is a matter of social obligations, a desire to impress their social group, wanting the best for their children which somehow translates into a large wedding, etc.

My cousin, when he got married, put his foot down and said that he and his fiance wanted a small wedding - there were less than 60 guests with just immediate family and close friends of the couple. It was a beautiful wedding in a wonderful setting and they specifically said they did not want any gifts but to instead donate the money that would have been spent on gifts to a couple of named charities. BTW, the size of the wedding had nothing to do with what they could afford. It was just a personal preference. The parents held a reception several weeks after the event mainly because they felt socially obligated to do so and at the request of the couple they asked that any gifts be donated to the same charities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:South Asians take note. Don't invite the whites to the wedding. They will post about your invite, mock your customs and yet they will still be the ones offended.

I think the way to deal with this and not cause the sort of fracas you see on this subject is really simple:

- one option is not to invite whites or others who would not be able to relate to South Asian customs regarding gift giving
- if you are still going to invite them then don't include anything about gifts or boxed gifts or cash
- have a wedding registry just for those who are not comfortable with the South Asian way of doing these things
- for someone who does get such an invite and is uncomfortable with the type of gift, then either do not go or accept the invitation but don't give any gift

It is difficult for even well-intentioned people not familiar with South Asian ways of doing these things to adjust to demands/requests for cash gifts.

I disagree.

Anonymous wrote:South Asians take note. Don't invite the whites to the wedding. They will post about your invite, mock your customs and yet they will still be the ones offended.

I think the way to deal with this and not cause the sort of fracas you see on this subject is really simple:

- one option is not to invite whites or others who would not be able to relate to South Asian customs regarding gift giving
- if you are still going to invite them then don't include anything about gifts or boxed gifts or cash
- have a wedding registry just for those who are not comfortable with the South Asian way of doing these things
- for someone who does get such an invite and is uncomfortable with the type of gift, then either do not go or accept the invitation but don't give any gift

It is difficult for even well-intentioned people not familiar with South Asian ways of doing these things to adjust to demands/requests for cash gifts.

Anonymous wrote:South Asians take note. Don't invite the whites to the wedding. They will post about your invite, mock your customs and yet they will still be the ones offended.

Invite me, please! (If you know me and would like to have me at your wedding, that is.) I am white, and I wouldn't do any of this.

Anonymous wrote:

You are correct that gifts should NOT be brought to wedding or reception. As far as "no boxed gifts." beyond tacky. In this case, I would bring gift to wedding in a clear plastic trash bag and gift would be a plastic pink flamingo lawn ornament, unwrapped.

Now there's some gracious, thoughtful gift-giving.

I would hesitate to give cash because I wouldn't want to offend the couple. Many adults would be insulted to be given money by other adults. Even when the couple getting married are of the younger generation, if they are getting married, they are now adults.

In addition, writing a check takes so little time and effort on my part that I would feel that I am saying that I don't value this couple enough to choose a meaningful gift for them.

I can think of one exception: I went to the wedding of a couple who had both been widowed. They were combining full households, so they asked for no gifts for themselves but that if guests felt they wanted to give something, to please give to charities that did research on the illnesses that had caused the deaths of their first spouses. This was unselfish and meaningful and all the guests I spoke with were more than happy to write large checks to these organizations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every single wedding invitation we have received in the US has mentioned multiple registries right on the paper invitation and also on the website. I have also received links to registries for baby showers. I don't see how any of this is more refined than saying "no boxed gifts".


That's tacky too, as many PPs have stated.

Society has clearly moved on, and I think it's time for the etiquette sticklers to move on, too. Although moving on surely provides less personal satisfaction than looking down on nearly everybody for being tacky.

+1

+infinity

I tend to agree with this. Look, I get that it brings some people a great deal of smug satisfaction to be able to proclaim others "tacky." But, norms evolve. And, frankly, I appreciate being told up front where the couple is registered b/c then I don't have to go the extra step of reaching out to a family member. I can always gift cash if I don't find anything reasonably in my price range available.

I'm not a fan of the "go fund me" accounts for honeymoons, etc., but have given to them. I mean, again, it's about conveniences. If the couple is going to use the money for XXX, then why go through the motions of giving to them to then later use the money somewhere else. All for the sake of some artificial etiquette established years and years ago by women who had no inkling of social media and the options available to people now.

So, I don't view these sorts of things as "gift grabs." I view them as a reflection of the reality that most/all people invited to a wedding will give a gift. The registries and so forth makes it easier for me to pick something (if I choose not to give a check) and is a mere suggestion of the couple's tastes. Viewing it through that lens may not make the uptight smuggies happy, but I assure you, I waste much less energy than those folks when it comes to giving gifts for a wedding.

Anonymous wrote:They want money.

I've always thought it was proper etiquette to not bring a boxed gift to a wedding anyways. You mail it ahead of time.

You are correct that gifts should NOT be brought to wedding or reception. As far as "no boxed gifts." beyond tacky. In this case, I would bring gift to wedding in a clear plastic trash bag and gift would be a plastic pink flamingo lawn ornament, unwrapped.