Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 14:06     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
"Not OP, but this strikes me as awfully judgmental. Having been on the other side of this, your "fix the marriage" comment seems ill-informed to me. It seems distressingly common, from what I have heard, for the lower-sex drive partner to raise any and all issues as pretexts to avoid addressing the issue of sex itself, and frustrated high-drive partners are often left in the position where they are trying to move heaven and earth to resolve other issues in the marriage as a prerequisite to addressing the sex issue another day, a day that somehow never seems to come. This can cause extreme frustration, which is what I hear in OP's words. "

Yes, the humiliation and devastation caused by long term rejection can cause extreme frustration."

NP here. But that poster wasn't talking about a LD issue; s/he was suggesting that OP consider that the problem is the (emotional) state of his marriage, not sex drive or hormones. Big difference. I thought my sex drive was slowing down as I aged, but once I divorced I realized it was the unhappiness and stress of a bad marriage.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 14:03     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with 10:19. Your wife has sacrificed her body, her sleep, her mental energy, her emotional well to ensure the survival and well-being of your babies. Your sacrifice--several years of less sex.


I'd throw in that SHE wanted #2 but....oh well


So you resent the baby then?


No I don't. While I was necessary in producing #2, I made it clear that I wasn't looking forward to being in that stage of parenthood again. That stage where the mother lacks sleep and you have even less sex than normal.


Does anyone look forward to the lack of sleep and difficulties associated with newborns?

Seriously, OP? You sound like a 13yo boy.


Ah, and now we're back to "wanting sex is immature."


No, that's not what I said. I do think that bringing up the issue of whether this baby was 100% wanted is immature.


Well, I think the question of who wanted the baby became relevant when someone above seemed to be suggesting that his desire for sex was somehow less legitimate because his wife "sacrificed" for the baby. It wasn't a sacrifice *for* him. So it's not exactly an even trade. If she was the driving force in baby #2, the exchange was more like "I want a baby, and it's going to mean I don't want sex as much, so I also want you to have less sex."


So it is acceptable among mature adults to determine who in a couple "wanted" their child more and to use that information in a conversation like this?

Really?


Really? Yeah, *really,* you passive aggressive twit. Did you really have to type "really"? If you're going to devalue his side of things on the pretense that she's "sacrificing" for him, then you have to address whether the sacrifice was for him. The better practice would be not to turn her into some kind of martyr. But that ship has sailed.


Yes, I typed REALLY because it is astonishing to me that any mature adult parent would consider using the question of who wanted the baby - the live, here-right-now, human baby - as a bargaining chip in this conversation.


OP here. OK . I'm immature. Let's move on./ Thanks.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 14:02     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Listen OP, your issues may have been going on for 6 years, but the point is that 4 months post-partum is simply not the time to fix them. You have to be patient, wait for a more sane time in your lives, then figure out a loving way to find space for both of your needs. But it's just not going to be now.


He should be patient, but they should also start working on the pre-baby problems now. The "oh, it'll be better when [x]" is just kicking the can down the road. We know that when the baby gets older, there is going to be another reason why she doesn't want sex with him. Not starting to deal with that now is just leading him on. Next thing you know, 7 years will have gone by and there will be a laundry list of excuses he's checked off with no real progress.


And we know this ... how?

The baby is four MONTHS old. SIXTEEN WEEKS. Who are you to predict anything seven years down the road?


OP here. We can use the last 6 year of my sexless marriage.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 13:56     Subject: Re:If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
I am the original PP. But I wrote OP off after he blithely disregarded the possibilty that his DW was uncomfortable during sex post-partum and all his inane talk of knowing vaginas. Not worth saving. Also what's with the "I noticed DW was drier"???? Using lube (with perhaps some oral foreplay to boot) the first times postpartum is an absolute must and just sex 101 (it was like the first thing my OB told me). As I said, lost cause. Y'know why your DW is LD? Here's a simple answer: Bad sex.

I had an an episiomotomy so may have been somewhat worse off than others. Had to stop sex literally "mid-stream" the first two times (@ around 2.5 mos postpartum), wasn't remotely "normal" till 6 mos. My DH was considerate and just rolled with it. I am sorry to hear about the experience of the previous poster. Hope you have recovered in all ways from the experience!


So you are the poster who is talking like you were in my room seeing my wife tear in pain as I forced myself on her. You write to me about using lube and tell me I have bad sex. Pardon my french but you don't know a fking thing about what happened while DW and I were together. Inane talk of vaginas? That was someone else responding to your non stop blah about dry vaginas! Stop fking accusing me of being a monster!
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 13:55     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: with newborns?

Seriously, OP? You sound like a 13yo boy.


Yes, you are back to being ass-y. If you didn't want the impact on your life, you should have been honest and said you didn't want another child. Did you expect any different? What did you think was going to happen? That because you told her you weren't looking forward to it she should have steeled herself to screw you more often anyway?


OK, you wish upon me to not only be sexually frustrated but add to that a resentful wife for not giving her a 2nd child.


I am sucking in my breath in continued astonishment. So this is your take on your new baby and wife?
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 13:50     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with 10:19. Your wife has sacrificed her body, her sleep, her mental energy, her emotional well to ensure the survival and well-being of your babies. Your sacrifice--several years of less sex.


I'd throw in that SHE wanted #2 but....oh well


So you resent the baby then?


No I don't. While I was necessary in producing #2, I made it clear that I wasn't looking forward to being in that stage of parenthood again. That stage where the mother lacks sleep and you have even less sex than normal.


Does anyone look forward to the lack of sleep and difficulties associated with newborns?

Seriously, OP? You sound like a 13yo boy.


Ah, and now we're back to "wanting sex is immature."


No, that's not what I said. I do think that bringing up the issue of whether this baby was 100% wanted is immature.


Well, I think the question of who wanted the baby became relevant when someone above seemed to be suggesting that his desire for sex was somehow less legitimate because his wife "sacrificed" for the baby. It wasn't a sacrifice *for* him. So it's not exactly an even trade. If she was the driving force in baby #2, the exchange was more like "I want a baby, and it's going to mean I don't want sex as much, so I also want you to have less sex."


So it is acceptable among mature adults to determine who in a couple "wanted" their child more and to use that information in a conversation like this?

Really?


Really? Yeah, *really,* you passive aggressive twit. Did you really have to type "really"? If you're going to devalue his side of things on the pretense that she's "sacrificing" for him, then you have to address whether the sacrifice was for him. The better practice would be not to turn her into some kind of martyr. But that ship has sailed.


Yes, I typed REALLY because it is astonishing to me that any mature adult parent would consider using the question of who wanted the baby - the live, here-right-now, human baby - as a bargaining chip in this conversation.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 13:48     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote: with newborns?

Seriously, OP? You sound like a 13yo boy.


Yes, you are back to being ass-y. If you didn't want the impact on your life, you should have been honest and said you didn't want another child. Did you expect any different? What did you think was going to happen? That because you told her you weren't looking forward to it she should have steeled herself to screw you more often anyway?


OK, you wish upon me to not only be sexually frustrated but add to that a resentful wife for not giving her a 2nd child.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 13:48     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Listen OP, your issues may have been going on for 6 years, but the point is that 4 months post-partum is simply not the time to fix them. You have to be patient, wait for a more sane time in your lives, then figure out a loving way to find space for both of your needs. But it's just not going to be now.


He should be patient, but they should also start working on the pre-baby problems now. The "oh, it'll be better when [x]" is just kicking the can down the road. We know that when the baby gets older, there is going to be another reason why she doesn't want sex with him. Not starting to deal with that now is just leading him on. Next thing you know, 7 years will have gone by and there will be a laundry list of excuses he's checked off with no real progress.


And we know this ... how?

The baby is four MONTHS old. SIXTEEN WEEKS. Who are you to predict anything seven years down the road?
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 13:47     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with 10:19. Your wife has sacrificed her body, her sleep, her mental energy, her emotional well to ensure the survival and well-being of your babies. Your sacrifice--several years of less sex.


I'd throw in that SHE wanted #2 but....oh well


So you resent the baby then?


No I don't. While I was necessary in producing #2, I made it clear that I wasn't looking forward to being in that stage of parenthood again. That stage where the mother lacks sleep and you have even less sex than normal.


Does anyone look forward to the lack of sleep and difficulties associated with newborns?

Seriously, OP? You sound like a 13yo boy.


Ah, and now we're back to "wanting sex is immature."


No, that's not what I said. I do think that bringing up the issue of whether this baby was 100% wanted is immature.


Well, I think the question of who wanted the baby became relevant when someone above seemed to be suggesting that his desire for sex was somehow less legitimate because his wife "sacrificed" for the baby. It wasn't a sacrifice *for* him. So it's not exactly an even trade. If she was the driving force in baby #2, the exchange was more like "I want a baby, and it's going to mean I don't want sex as much, so I also want you to have less sex."


So it is acceptable among mature adults to determine who in a couple "wanted" their child more and to use that information in a conversation like this?

Really?


Really? Yeah, *really,* you passive aggressive twit. Did you really have to type "really"? If you're going to devalue his side of things on the pretense that she's "sacrificing" for him, then you have to address whether the sacrifice was for him. The better practice would be not to turn her into some kind of martyr. But that ship has sailed.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 13:46     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with 10:19. Your wife has sacrificed her body, her sleep, her mental energy, her emotional well to ensure the survival and well-being of your babies. Your sacrifice--several years of less sex.


I'd throw in that SHE wanted #2 but....oh well


So you resent the baby then?


No I don't. While I was necessary in producing #2, I made it clear that I wasn't looking forward to being in that stage of parenthood again. That stage where the mother lacks sleep and you have even less sex than normal.


Does anyone look forward to the lack of sleep and difficulties associated with newborns?

Seriously, OP? You sound like a 13yo boy.


Ah, and now we're back to "wanting sex is immature."


No, that's not what I said. I do think that bringing up the issue of whether this baby was 100% wanted is immature.


Well, I think the question of who wanted the baby became relevant when someone above seemed to be suggesting that his desire for sex was somehow less legitimate because his wife "sacrificed" for the baby. It wasn't a sacrifice *for* him. So it's not exactly an even trade. If she was the driving force in baby #2, the exchange was more like "I want a baby, and it's going to mean I don't want sex as much, so I also want you to have less sex."


So it is acceptable among mature adults to determine who in a couple "wanted" their child more and to use that information in a conversation like this?

Really?


The question of who wanted the baby is NEVER relevant. This is their CHILD. He exists and OP is his father. Any look-back to who wanted this child and how much is unproductive, hurtful, and IMMATURE.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 13:44     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:Listen OP, your issues may have been going on for 6 years, but the point is that 4 months post-partum is simply not the time to fix them. You have to be patient, wait for a more sane time in your lives, then figure out a loving way to find space for both of your needs. But it's just not going to be now.


He should be patient, but they should also start working on the pre-baby problems now. The "oh, it'll be better when [x]" is just kicking the can down the road. We know that when the baby gets older, there is going to be another reason why she doesn't want sex with him. Not starting to deal with that now is just leading him on. Next thing you know, 7 years will have gone by and there will be a laundry list of excuses he's checked off with no real progress.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 13:44     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.


It's common that the LD spouse is not bothered by the lack of sex. It's common that the HD spouse is very aggitated at the lack of sex. Who should give up the ground? The one who is not feeling bothered or the frustrated one?

At least meet half way since it's 50% your duty to right?


Are you willing to meet halfway? I.e. accept a decreased frequency of sex and/or make accomodations to help your spouse? Or do you just want to complain about your situation and blame your spouse 100%?


I have sex once a month now. How much more do you want me to decrease? PLease tell me. Shall I go once every 2 months?
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 13:42     Subject: Re:If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
It's awful and guess what? For some of us that never goes away. Ever. It makes sex far less pleasant than it was before, frankly. I know the HD people on here will basically be of the position that you should suck it up because it's "your duty" or whatever, but yeah, if you bothered to ask you'd know this shit.


Look lady, you obviously have issues and some anger probably at your DH. Since I'm sure (mostly) that you ARN'T my DW, stop pretending to know and speak like what you're saying is FACT in MY situation.


I'm not pretending to speak for you wife. I'm saying maybe you should ask her. She may have issues like this that you don't know about.


Well, I must have mis-interpreted your tone above then......... So you know, I did ask, she said it didn't hurt.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 13:41     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with 10:19. Your wife has sacrificed her body, her sleep, her mental energy, her emotional well to ensure the survival and well-being of your babies. Your sacrifice--several years of less sex.


I'd throw in that SHE wanted #2 but....oh well


So you resent the baby then?


No I don't. While I was necessary in producing #2, I made it clear that I wasn't looking forward to being in that stage of parenthood again. That stage where the mother lacks sleep and you have even less sex than normal.


Does anyone look forward to the lack of sleep and difficulties associated with newborns?

Seriously, OP? You sound like a 13yo boy.


Ah, and now we're back to "wanting sex is immature."


No, that's not what I said. I do think that bringing up the issue of whether this baby was 100% wanted is immature.


Well, I think the question of who wanted the baby became relevant when someone above seemed to be suggesting that his desire for sex was somehow less legitimate because his wife "sacrificed" for the baby. It wasn't a sacrifice *for* him. So it's not exactly an even trade. If she was the driving force in baby #2, the exchange was more like "I want a baby, and it's going to mean I don't want sex as much, so I also want you to have less sex."


So it is acceptable among mature adults to determine who in a couple "wanted" their child more and to use that information in a conversation like this?

Really?
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 13:39     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with 10:19. Your wife has sacrificed her body, her sleep, her mental energy, her emotional well to ensure the survival and well-being of your babies. Your sacrifice--several years of less sex.


I'd throw in that SHE wanted #2 but....oh well


So you resent the baby then?


No I don't. While I was necessary in producing #2, I made it clear that I wasn't looking forward to being in that stage of parenthood again. That stage where the mother lacks sleep and you have even less sex than normal.


Does anyone look forward to the lack of sleep and difficulties associated with newborns?

Seriously, OP? You sound like a 13yo boy.


Ah, and now we're back to "wanting sex is immature."


No, that's not what I said. I do think that bringing up the issue of whether this baby was 100% wanted is immature.


Well, I think the question of who wanted the baby became relevant when someone above seemed to be suggesting that his desire for sex was somehow less legitimate because his wife "sacrificed" for the baby. It wasn't a sacrifice *for* him. So it's not exactly an even trade. If she was the driving force in baby #2, the exchange was more like "I want a baby, and it's going to mean I don't want sex as much, so I also want you to have less sex."