Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Please, please, please stop quoting this! Do you think people haven’t heard this before? It is simply not true in a lot of cases. Where you live matters!

These are the types that would tell those in Gaza to “stop whining”…

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I love him and my kids so much… but I don’t know how I’m going to keep living in this area with no end in sight."

Have you said this to him? You said a lot of stuff in your OP. Have you said those things to him also? I can understand him being upset, but I think any loving partner would not want their partner to be this miserable. I'm not saying he should have to agree to move away; I'm saying that he should be sympathetic and open to working on a solution with you, something that can make you both happy as much as possible. Someone will probably end up getting the short end of the stick but feeling heard and knowing that the other person really cares can go a long way.

If he's just angry and not willing even to discuss options, I'd be pissed and probably end up resentful. I don't know how long I could live like that.

Good luck!

OP - yes, I have told him this. I told him that I hope he never dislikes living in a place to the extent that I do. One of our issues is that our viewpoints on finding happiness where you live vary quite a bit - my entire family lives within a short drive of each other, and this has been the case since I was a kid. Most of my high school friends still live back home. He moved around a lot as a kid because his parents’ jobs required it. I think that the fact that he never experienced growing up with family nearby — whereas I did — is playing into this.

Again, thank you all who have constructively asked questions and lended support to me. I really am trying to find happiness here but after over a decade of friends coming and going every couple of years, it’s hard. All of the people that I have become close to have removed away from here unfortunately. We keep in touch but it’s not the same as meeting up for coffee or drinks in-person.

As an introvert it’s exhausting to keep putting yourself out there only to have people leave.

I get this. The transience is tough. You want to live somewhere where you feel rooted. And have the effort you put into relationships pay off in the long run.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Yeah, and some of those theres are better than others. Or better fits, if we want to put it that way.

I liked a lot about living in DC but the weather wore me down. The greeeeyyyyy winters, followed by the broiling hot summers. It felt like I had two months a year, tops, that were actually nice being outside - and I thrive, being able to spend time outside.

We moved somewhere with a better climate. I am happier. There I am.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Please, please, please stop quoting this! Do you think people haven’t heard this before? It is simply not true in a lot of cases. Where you live matters!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many of us are trapped by jobs and other things. I agree. The DMV sucks.

When you use this kind of language you are disempowering yourself. You are assigning control of your life and future to externalities. When people do this except in truly extreme situations, it is so they can disclaim ownership of their own life.

If you were truly trapped would you be passively sitting there whining about it? No you would be fighting with all your resources to break free of the trap.

Where you are now is a combination of your prior choices in life and a bunch of random stuff beyond your control. Where you will be tomorrow, next year, and after that is also a combination of your future choices and future random stuff beyond your control.

The only way out of your mental trap is to take ownership of your life. You are not trapped. You have free choice. Getting to a better place may require a lot of hard work and numerous sacrifices and there still isn't any guarantee you will get what you want. You are no different from anyone else.

DMV does not "suck."

YOU suck.

Suck less.

Wtf haha. People here are truly unhinged!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too hate where I live.
I am from rural Michigan and moved to Chicago after college for a change of scenery. Got married to a native Chicagoan. 15 years later I am just done. I hate it here, I hate the leftist crazies, I hate the identical "We Believe" signs in front of the identical houses, I hate having to socially navigate with the other insane parents around here. Every time we visit my home I cry on the way back because I want to stay so badly. My husband won't leave because he's comfortable here and he would feel guilty leaving his parents. My life is passing me by. My best friend from childhood has a lovely lakefront house that cost less than ours with lower taxes and my husband says "Maybe someday." He would never take the initiative to find a new job. We are both in healthcare and could work anywhere.
I chose to come here when I was young and stupid.

Take responsibility for your life and your decisions.

You want to buy a Michigan lake house and move there with your family. Sounds like a pretty good idea.

What actual planning have you done? Have you looked at areas and priced out Michigan lake houses? Would the numbers work? How long would it take to sell your current house and how much could you realistically net from the sale? If you have school age kids, where would they be going to school?

You say you and your spouse could work anywhere. Have you polished up your resume and actually started applying for jobs near where you would like to live? What kind of income could you expect and if less than now, what sacrifices are you prepared to make? Do you have 12 months worth of liquid savings just in case it's not so easy for your husband or you to find suitable work?

If your husband isn't on board,have you also looked at jobs that might be suitable for him? It doesn't sound like you've done anything at all to get him onboard with your plan except complain and whine. That doesn't work.

If you literally cry every time you come back from a visit, that's a signal that you need therapy to address some deep rooted emotional issues. You will not be ready to handle the stress of a major move until you can at least stop all the crying.

If you want to make things happen in your life, especially against opposition or friction, you have to get better control of yourself first.

DP. I’m in the same position as the pp. My husband and I also work in healthcare.
All of the stuff you are describing literally takes an afternoon. I have to give 90 days notice on my job, and I could have a new job lined up to start 90 days from now tomorrow. I could find one for DH too, and I have found many. I’ve called physician recruiters at specific hospitals where I know there is a job opening, and he hasn’t made time to talk to them.

He gives no reason. He says that he will do it, but doesn’t. Eventually, I make up an excuse so that I don’t look crazy and lose my ability to ever work there.

Looking for houses is easy and fun. I do this all of the time in my spare time.

We don’t *have* to go near my parents either. We have a child with autism and a normal IQ. We could live near a great school for him. There is literally NO REASON to live here other than DH being afraid of change.

Ok. So actually apply for a new job where you want to live, and when you get the offer, give your 90 days notice to your existing job.

Then pick out a house you like in the new area and out down an earnest money deposit on it. Schedule the closing for 30 days prior to the start of your new job.

Not sure if you currently rent or own but you will have to either negotiate your way out of your existing lease or put your existing house up for sale which you should do right away.

Tell your husband the family is moving and give him all the details. Tell him you will help him find a new job. Then do it.

Since he has told you he does want to move he will appreciate that you are doing the heavy lifting which you say is very easy for you. Win win.

Or don't. But stop complaining a d stop blaming your husband.

I know that you think that you are calling my bluff, but I have gone far enough down this path that interviews have been scheduled and airline tickets have been booked. Private schools have been applied to on behalf of my son. I mean, this isn’t hard to do.
DH just doesn’t acknowledge that it’s happening, doesn’t send his CV, and as the time gets nearer, tells me that he has a conflict and cancels without actually rescheduling. This makes me look crazy to future potential employers.

As far as buying my own house, I can do that, but DH has threatened to divorce me and sue me for full custody if I take the kids without him. I consulted with a family law attorney who told me that he could potentially do this, and it isn’t advisable.

Couples therapy is online, and he will engage, but if I bring up moving, he will shut the laptop closed or leave the room to “get a snack” or something.

I don’t want to divorce because then I have no chance of moving.

Does he have a GF locally? Why is he so againt moving?

Anonymous wrote:I too hate where I live.
I am from rural Michigan and moved to Chicago after college for a change of scenery. Got married to a native Chicagoan. 15 years later I am just done. I hate it here, I hate the leftist crazies, I hate the identical "We Believe" signs in front of the identical houses, I hate having to socially navigate with the other insane parents around here. Every time we visit my home I cry on the way back because I want to stay so badly. My husband won't leave because he's comfortable here and he would feel guilty leaving his parents. My life is passing me by. My best friend from childhood has a lovely lakefront house that cost less than ours with lower taxes and my husband says "Maybe someday." He would never take the initiative to find a new job. We are both in healthcare and could work anywhere.
I chose to come here when I was young and stupid.

I love Michigan and love Chicago (though know it has changed from when I lived there in the late 90s), both beat the DMV for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too hate where I live.
I am from rural Michigan and moved to Chicago after college for a change of scenery. Got married to a native Chicagoan. 15 years later I am just done. I hate it here, I hate the leftist crazies, I hate the identical "We Believe" signs in front of the identical houses, I hate having to socially navigate with the other insane parents around here. Every time we visit my home I cry on the way back because I want to stay so badly. My husband won't leave because he's comfortable here and he would feel guilty leaving his parents. My life is passing me by. My best friend from childhood has a lovely lakefront house that cost less than ours with lower taxes and my husband says "Maybe someday." He would never take the initiative to find a new job. We are both in healthcare and could work anywhere.
I chose to come here when I was young and stupid.

Take responsibility for your life and your decisions.

You want to buy a Michigan lake house and move there with your family. Sounds like a pretty good idea.

What actual planning have you done? Have you looked at areas and priced out Michigan lake houses? Would the numbers work? How long would it take to sell your current house and how much could you realistically net from the sale? If you have school age kids, where would they be going to school?

You say you and your spouse could work anywhere. Have you polished up your resume and actually started applying for jobs near where you would like to live? What kind of income could you expect and if less than now, what sacrifices are you prepared to make? Do you have 12 months worth of liquid savings just in case it's not so easy for your husband or you to find suitable work?

If your husband isn't on board,have you also looked at jobs that might be suitable for him? It doesn't sound like you've done anything at all to get him onboard with your plan except complain and whine. That doesn't work.

If you literally cry every time you come back from a visit, that's a signal that you need therapy to address some deep rooted emotional issues. You will not be ready to handle the stress of a major move until you can at least stop all the crying.

If you want to make things happen in your life, especially against opposition or friction, you have to get better control of yourself first.

DP. I’m in the same position as the pp. My husband and I also work in healthcare.
All of the stuff you are describing literally takes an afternoon. I have to give 90 days notice on my job, and I could have a new job lined up to start 90 days from now tomorrow. I could find one for DH too, and I have found many. I’ve called physician recruiters at specific hospitals where I know there is a job opening, and he hasn’t made time to talk to them.

He gives no reason. He says that he will do it, but doesn’t. Eventually, I make up an excuse so that I don’t look crazy and lose my ability to ever work there.

Looking for houses is easy and fun. I do this all of the time in my spare time.

We don’t *have* to go near my parents either. We have a child with autism and a normal IQ. We could live near a great school for him. There is literally NO REASON to live here other than DH being afraid of change.

Ok. So actually apply for a new job where you want to live, and when you get the offer, give your 90 days notice to your existing job.

Then pick out a house you like in the new area and out down an earnest money deposit on it. Schedule the closing for 30 days prior to the start of your new job.

Not sure if you currently rent or own but you will have to either negotiate your way out of your existing lease or put your existing house up for sale which you should do right away.

Tell your husband the family is moving and give him all the details. Tell him you will help him find a new job. Then do it.

Since he has told you he does want to move he will appreciate that you are doing the heavy lifting which you say is very easy for you. Win win.

Or don't. But stop complaining a d stop blaming your husband.

If a post on DCUM described a MAN doing everything you tell that PP to do -- effectively changing jobs, buying a house and making plans to move with zero consultation with his wife -- everyone here would roast the hell out of your idea above. And deservedly so.

If you would be furious at a man unilaterally moving the family, we should be equally furious at a woman doing the same thing. Unilateral actions should not be part of a marriage. Especially not major actions like buying a home and changing jobs and moving kids to new schools. What you advise would probably lead to a divorce, less over the move than over the total lack of any consutation and, oh yes, spending what likely is joint money, unilaterally.

But I suspect you'll say that the PP should just divorce him anyway. That's the usual drumbeat here on DCUM. Divorce!

Guess what? It's possible she might just love him, but hate where they live and hate his fear. Work on that fear first and foremost. She needs to find out why he is so afraid of change, when she's shown the logistics can and do work easily in their favor. I'd wager he fears change about many other aspects of life too.

If she does what you advise, and moves the family without talking to her DH -- if he actually did come with her to HER new home in her chosen place, she would only find his fears coming up in new and different ways in the new and different location.

Well maybe what I wrote could be interpreted this way. But I was actually just telling that PP to stop whining and blaming her husband for her unhappiness, she actually does something to try and make changes.

That's the whole issue. These complaining whinging spouses are unhappy and do nothing other than complain and blame it on their husbands.

She hasn't even done even a single thing towards actually preparing for a move. It is ALL a giant fantasy and the some purpose is to blame her husband.

Why should the husband believe she is serious when all she does is whine about it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too hate where I live.
I am from rural Michigan and moved to Chicago after college for a change of scenery. Got married to a native Chicagoan. 15 years later I am just done. I hate it here, I hate the leftist crazies, I hate the identical "We Believe" signs in front of the identical houses, I hate having to socially navigate with the other insane parents around here. Every time we visit my home I cry on the way back because I want to stay so badly. My husband won't leave because he's comfortable here and he would feel guilty leaving his parents. My life is passing me by. My best friend from childhood has a lovely lakefront house that cost less than ours with lower taxes and my husband says "Maybe someday." He would never take the initiative to find a new job. We are both in healthcare and could work anywhere.
I chose to come here when I was young and stupid.

Take responsibility for your life and your decisions.

You want to buy a Michigan lake house and move there with your family. Sounds like a pretty good idea.

What actual planning have you done? Have you looked at areas and priced out Michigan lake houses? Would the numbers work? How long would it take to sell your current house and how much could you realistically net from the sale? If you have school age kids, where would they be going to school?

You say you and your spouse could work anywhere. Have you polished up your resume and actually started applying for jobs near where you would like to live? What kind of income could you expect and if less than now, what sacrifices are you prepared to make? Do you have 12 months worth of liquid savings just in case it's not so easy for your husband or you to find suitable work?

If your husband isn't on board,have you also looked at jobs that might be suitable for him? It doesn't sound like you've done anything at all to get him onboard with your plan except complain and whine. That doesn't work.

If you literally cry every time you come back from a visit, that's a signal that you need therapy to address some deep rooted emotional issues. You will not be ready to handle the stress of a major move until you can at least stop all the crying.

If you want to make things happen in your life, especially against opposition or friction, you have to get better control of yourself first.

DP. I’m in the same position as the pp. My husband and I also work in healthcare.
All of the stuff you are describing literally takes an afternoon. I have to give 90 days notice on my job, and I could have a new job lined up to start 90 days from now tomorrow. I could find one for DH too, and I have found many. I’ve called physician recruiters at specific hospitals where I know there is a job opening, and he hasn’t made time to talk to them.

He gives no reason. He says that he will do it, but doesn’t. Eventually, I make up an excuse so that I don’t look crazy and lose my ability to ever work there.

Looking for houses is easy and fun. I do this all of the time in my spare time.

We don’t *have* to go near my parents either. We have a child with autism and a normal IQ. We could live near a great school for him. There is literally NO REASON to live here other than DH being afraid of change.

Ok. So actually apply for a new job where you want to live, and when you get the offer, give your 90 days notice to your existing job.

Then pick out a house you like in the new area and out down an earnest money deposit on it. Schedule the closing for 30 days prior to the start of your new job.

Not sure if you currently rent or own but you will have to either negotiate your way out of your existing lease or put your existing house up for sale which you should do right away.

Tell your husband the family is moving and give him all the details. Tell him you will help him find a new job. Then do it.

Since he has told you he does want to move he will appreciate that you are doing the heavy lifting which you say is very easy for you. Win win.

Or don't. But stop complaining a d stop blaming your husband.

I know that you think that you are calling my bluff, but I have gone far enough down this path that interviews have been scheduled and airline tickets have been booked. Private schools have been applied to on behalf of my son. I mean, this isn’t hard to do.
DH just doesn’t acknowledge that it’s happening, doesn’t send his CV, and as the time gets nearer, tells me that he has a conflict and cancels without actually rescheduling. This makes me look crazy to future potential employers.

As far as buying my own house, I can do that, but DH has threatened to divorce me and sue me for full custody if I take the kids without him. I consulted with a family law attorney who told me that he could potentially do this, and it isn’t advisable.

Couples therapy is online, and he will engage, but if I bring up moving, he will shut the laptop closed or leave the room to “get a snack” or something.

I don’t want to divorce because then I have no chance of moving.

Anonymous wrote:I mean obviously, divorce is the answer here. OP -- get yourself a new job and move! Leave your DH behind!

They have two children. Do you really have no idea at all how that affects the simplistic, naive "Get yourself a new job and move!" you just blathered?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too hate where I live.
I am from rural Michigan and moved to Chicago after college for a change of scenery. Got married to a native Chicagoan. 15 years later I am just done. I hate it here, I hate the leftist crazies, I hate the identical "We Believe" signs in front of the identical houses, I hate having to socially navigate with the other insane parents around here. Every time we visit my home I cry on the way back because I want to stay so badly. My husband won't leave because he's comfortable here and he would feel guilty leaving his parents. My life is passing me by. My best friend from childhood has a lovely lakefront house that cost less than ours with lower taxes and my husband says "Maybe someday." He would never take the initiative to find a new job. We are both in healthcare and could work anywhere.
I chose to come here when I was young and stupid.

Take responsibility for your life and your decisions.

You want to buy a Michigan lake house and move there with your family. Sounds like a pretty good idea.

What actual planning have you done? Have you looked at areas and priced out Michigan lake houses? Would the numbers work? How long would it take to sell your current house and how much could you realistically net from the sale? If you have school age kids, where would they be going to school?

You say you and your spouse could work anywhere. Have you polished up your resume and actually started applying for jobs near where you would like to live? What kind of income could you expect and if less than now, what sacrifices are you prepared to make? Do you have 12 months worth of liquid savings just in case it's not so easy for your husband or you to find suitable work?

If your husband isn't on board,have you also looked at jobs that might be suitable for him? It doesn't sound like you've done anything at all to get him onboard with your plan except complain and whine. That doesn't work.

If you literally cry every time you come back from a visit, that's a signal that you need therapy to address some deep rooted emotional issues. You will not be ready to handle the stress of a major move until you can at least stop all the crying.

If you want to make things happen in your life, especially against opposition or friction, you have to get better control of yourself first.

DP. I’m in the same position as the pp. My husband and I also work in healthcare.
All of the stuff you are describing literally takes an afternoon. I have to give 90 days notice on my job, and I could have a new job lined up to start 90 days from now tomorrow. I could find one for DH too, and I have found many. I’ve called physician recruiters at specific hospitals where I know there is a job opening, and he hasn’t made time to talk to them.

He gives no reason. He says that he will do it, but doesn’t. Eventually, I make up an excuse so that I don’t look crazy and lose my ability to ever work there.

Looking for houses is easy and fun. I do this all of the time in my spare time.

We don’t *have* to go near my parents either. We have a child with autism and a normal IQ. We could live near a great school for him. There is literally NO REASON to live here other than DH being afraid of change.

Ok. So actually apply for a new job where you want to live, and when you get the offer, give your 90 days notice to your existing job.

Then pick out a house you like in the new area and out down an earnest money deposit on it. Schedule the closing for 30 days prior to the start of your new job.

Not sure if you currently rent or own but you will have to either negotiate your way out of your existing lease or put your existing house up for sale which you should do right away.

Tell your husband the family is moving and give him all the details. Tell him you will help him find a new job. Then do it.

Since he has told you he does want to move he will appreciate that you are doing the heavy lifting which you say is very easy for you. Win win.

Or don't. But stop complaining a d stop blaming your husband.

If a post on DCUM described a MAN doing everything you tell that PP to do -- effectively changing jobs, buying a house and making plans to move with zero consultation with his wife -- everyone here would roast the hell out of your idea above. And deservedly so.

If you would be furious at a man unilaterally moving the family, we should be equally furious at a woman doing the same thing. Unilateral actions should not be part of a marriage. Especially not major actions like buying a home and changing jobs and moving kids to new schools. What you advise would probably lead to a divorce, less over the move than over the total lack of any consutation and, oh yes, spending what likely is joint money, unilaterally.

But I suspect you'll say that the PP should just divorce him anyway. That's the usual drumbeat here on DCUM. Divorce!

Guess what? It's possible she might just love him, but hate where they live and hate his fear. Work on that fear first and foremost. She needs to find out why he is so afraid of change, when she's shown the logistics can and do work easily in their favor. I'd wager he fears change about many other aspects of life too.

If she does what you advise, and moves the family without talking to her DH -- if he actually did come with her to HER new home in her chosen place, she would only find his fears coming up in new and different ways in the new and different location.

I mean obviously, divorce is the answer here. OP -- get yourself a new job and move! Leave your DH behind!

Anonymous wrote:The people insisting OP say where "home" is and then attacking it are just gaslighting.

It wouldn't matter if "home" was Baltimore or Hawaii -- if OP wishes she lived there, that's a valid feeling she's entitled to.

And OP, I get it -- this is an aspect of marriage that can be so hard. When one partner wants one life choice and the other wants another. And you can't always anticipate these differences in advance because often they are in response to having kids, changes in career, changes in your extended family, and aging.

If you'd told me 15 years ago when I met my DH that one day he'd be very attached to living in a city center and I'd be the one longing for a big garden in a less populated area with more quiet, I wouldn't have believed you. When we met, I was the citified careerist and he was the country boy unsure about city life. Now I literally dream about being in the woods with no one around and struggle with the feeling of concrete and buildings and people all around. But he's acclimated and thinks he'd be lonely if we move. It's really hard! No one is right or wrong, but it's tough that when you come to an impasse like this, the person who likes the status quo "wins" more easily because inaction gets them what they want.

That's what this is really about. You are the partner advocating for a change, he wants things to stay as they are. Since you can't agree, you stay where you are and he's happy but you aren't. This is such a classic couple problem. I wish you luck in figuring it out. Let me know how if you do!

It sounds like the problem is some people can't be happy no matter what. You live in the city because that's what you wanted, you were unhappy. Now you're unhappy again and move out of the city. You don't take any responsibility at all for why you are where you are in life.

Stop doing things because you are looking for happiness from external things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too hate where I live.
I am from rural Michigan and moved to Chicago after college for a change of scenery. Got married to a native Chicagoan. 15 years later I am just done. I hate it here, I hate the leftist crazies, I hate the identical "We Believe" signs in front of the identical houses, I hate having to socially navigate with the other insane parents around here. Every time we visit my home I cry on the way back because I want to stay so badly. My husband won't leave because he's comfortable here and he would feel guilty leaving his parents. My life is passing me by. My best friend from childhood has a lovely lakefront house that cost less than ours with lower taxes and my husband says "Maybe someday." He would never take the initiative to find a new job. We are both in healthcare and could work anywhere.
I chose to come here when I was young and stupid.

Take responsibility for your life and your decisions.

You want to buy a Michigan lake house and move there with your family. Sounds like a pretty good idea.

What actual planning have you done? Have you looked at areas and priced out Michigan lake houses? Would the numbers work? How long would it take to sell your current house and how much could you realistically net from the sale? If you have school age kids, where would they be going to school?

You say you and your spouse could work anywhere. Have you polished up your resume and actually started applying for jobs near where you would like to live? What kind of income could you expect and if less than now, what sacrifices are you prepared to make? Do you have 12 months worth of liquid savings just in case it's not so easy for your husband or you to find suitable work?

If your husband isn't on board,have you also looked at jobs that might be suitable for him? It doesn't sound like you've done anything at all to get him onboard with your plan except complain and whine. That doesn't work.

If you literally cry every time you come back from a visit, that's a signal that you need therapy to address some deep rooted emotional issues. You will not be ready to handle the stress of a major move until you can at least stop all the crying.

If you want to make things happen in your life, especially against opposition or friction, you have to get better control of yourself first.

DP. I’m in the same position as the pp. My husband and I also work in healthcare.
All of the stuff you are describing literally takes an afternoon. I have to give 90 days notice on my job, and I could have a new job lined up to start 90 days from now tomorrow. I could find one for DH too, and I have found many. I’ve called physician recruiters at specific hospitals where I know there is a job opening, and he hasn’t made time to talk to them.

He gives no reason. He says that he will do it, but doesn’t. Eventually, I make up an excuse so that I don’t look crazy and lose my ability to ever work there.

Looking for houses is easy and fun. I do this all of the time in my spare time.

We don’t *have* to go near my parents either. We have a child with autism and a normal IQ. We could live near a great school for him. There is literally NO REASON to live here other than DH being afraid of change.

NP. You're right that finding out about houses, best areas, etc. is so very doable. Plus, it's an incredible advantage that you and your DH are BOTH in a field where you know for certain (because you've actually found the potential new jobs!) you can be employed in your desired location. I applaud you for taking all that initiative. And I applaud you even more for saying you do not *have* to live near your parents, because I think there are some posts where the "I want to go back to my hometown and live close to my family/friends" is being seen through rose-colored glasses.

So the question I have is this -- If DH is the one and only hangup, and you have already invested time and effort (yeah, it's easy but it's still your effort!), why not tell him you have done all this, and you are now going to go to couples therapy or counseling about the fact you feel stuck and he is afraid of change? I would involve a neutral third party like a therapist or counselor. Sometimes it takes an outsider to push a person to admit to fear and make a change. I'd also tell DH (if this is true) that this is starting to affect how you feel about him as a husband and you don't want resentment to fester, and you and he need this objective help. The point of therapy of course is not to help either side "win" but it sounds as if he isn't invested in "winning" at staying put, he's just hunkering down in fear of the unknown. I know, everyone on DCUM says "Therapy!" and it's not a magic bullet, but I'd tell DH that you have reached a point where the marriage is in trouble if you and he don't find a way to be happier somewhere, or where you are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too hate where I live.
I am from rural Michigan and moved to Chicago after college for a change of scenery. Got married to a native Chicagoan. 15 years later I am just done. I hate it here, I hate the leftist crazies, I hate the identical "We Believe" signs in front of the identical houses, I hate having to socially navigate with the other insane parents around here. Every time we visit my home I cry on the way back because I want to stay so badly. My husband won't leave because he's comfortable here and he would feel guilty leaving his parents. My life is passing me by. My best friend from childhood has a lovely lakefront house that cost less than ours with lower taxes and my husband says "Maybe someday." He would never take the initiative to find a new job. We are both in healthcare and could work anywhere.
I chose to come here when I was young and stupid.

Take responsibility for your life and your decisions.

You want to buy a Michigan lake house and move there with your family. Sounds like a pretty good idea.

What actual planning have you done? Have you looked at areas and priced out Michigan lake houses? Would the numbers work? How long would it take to sell your current house and how much could you realistically net from the sale? If you have school age kids, where would they be going to school?

You say you and your spouse could work anywhere. Have you polished up your resume and actually started applying for jobs near where you would like to live? What kind of income could you expect and if less than now, what sacrifices are you prepared to make? Do you have 12 months worth of liquid savings just in case it's not so easy for your husband or you to find suitable work?

If your husband isn't on board,have you also looked at jobs that might be suitable for him? It doesn't sound like you've done anything at all to get him onboard with your plan except complain and whine. That doesn't work.

If you literally cry every time you come back from a visit, that's a signal that you need therapy to address some deep rooted emotional issues. You will not be ready to handle the stress of a major move until you can at least stop all the crying.

If you want to make things happen in your life, especially against opposition or friction, you have to get better control of yourself first.

DP. I’m in the same position as the pp. My husband and I also work in healthcare.
All of the stuff you are describing literally takes an afternoon. I have to give 90 days notice on my job, and I could have a new job lined up to start 90 days from now tomorrow. I could find one for DH too, and I have found many. I’ve called physician recruiters at specific hospitals where I know there is a job opening, and he hasn’t made time to talk to them.

He gives no reason. He says that he will do it, but doesn’t. Eventually, I make up an excuse so that I don’t look crazy and lose my ability to ever work there.

Looking for houses is easy and fun. I do this all of the time in my spare time.

We don’t *have* to go near my parents either. We have a child with autism and a normal IQ. We could live near a great school for him. There is literally NO REASON to live here other than DH being afraid of change.

Ok. So actually apply for a new job where you want to live, and when you get the offer, give your 90 days notice to your existing job.

Then pick out a house you like in the new area and out down an earnest money deposit on it. Schedule the closing for 30 days prior to the start of your new job.

Not sure if you currently rent or own but you will have to either negotiate your way out of your existing lease or put your existing house up for sale which you should do right away.

Tell your husband the family is moving and give him all the details. Tell him you will help him find a new job. Then do it.

Since he has told you he does want to move he will appreciate that you are doing the heavy lifting which you say is very easy for you. Win win.

Or don't. But stop complaining a d stop blaming your husband.