Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 10:52     Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s sounds like we are strikingly similar. Maybe I can help?

DH and I are worth $5M+, he makes 7 figures, and let’s just say he pays more in taxes than I make (and I’m a $200K+ MD/JD/MBA type.) I still work, and I have deep financial anxiety. I question if being a SAHM is for me, but the thought of making myself dependent on another human being is truly terrifying.

I do talk about it with my therapist. It’s multi-layered, but starts with some real inter generational trauma of having grandmothers and aunts who were financially abused by their spouses (and physically abused to boot). While it never happened to my mother, I do think people truly underestimate how traumatizing it is to watch a woman be trapped in a marriage and *not be able to get out*. It’s like someone who grows up poor – it never really leaves you. I’ve also worked incredibly hard for my career, and while I have moments of wanting to say eff this, I do love having an identity outside of wife and mother, and I love having my own money. I’m still trying to decide if I want to take on a bigger career when my children are older (maybe high school?), or if I’ll just want to throw in the towel and become a lady of leisure who’s sits on charity boards. My solution for now is a highly flexible, work from home job + nanny.

One final note – I have noticed that generally women who become stay at home moms tend to have a higher financial risk appetite naturally. Clearly, I’ve got my own anxiety so I’m not a bellwether, but I have observed this sort of eternal financial and marital optimism in them. Even in the face of talks about divorce and job loss. Good for them; I wish them well. It’s just not who I am.


This post is depressing. It seems sad to spend so many hours working a boring paper pushing 200k job when your husband is earning 7 figures. What a waste of opportunity.

I’d try to get help for anxiety. Technically every single person is dependent on someone else financially. You’re dependent on your employer, his employer and the federal government. Working a 200k job is a false sense of security.

I would try to identify what you’re actually scared of. You think with 5 million you’d need to go on food stamps and live in the projects if he left you? You think you could never be gainfully employed again? The anxiety you have is unreasonable and unfounded.

My own mother has extreme financial anxiety. A high net worth but can’t ever relax. One day I asked her how many more millions she needs to not worry. She couldn’t answer my question because there isn’t an answer. No amount of money will help her stop worrying about money.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 09:52     Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:My mom used to have to ask my father for money to buy his birthday present.

I would never be reduced to needing someone (like a daddy) to support me. That does not feel like being an independent adult to me. That is just baked into my (female) DNA.


I think that if you were raised in an unstable home like that, that it makes perfect sense for your mental health to maintain your personal financial resources. There is not just one way to do this; just live your life the way that feels right to you. Follow your instincts. It's ok to be risk averse, just as it is OK to plan for a SAHP and take the leap.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 09:44     Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mom used to have to ask my father for money to buy his birthday present.

I would never be reduced to needing someone (like a daddy) to support me. That does not feel like being an independent adult to me. That is just baked into my (female) DNA.


You can be a SAHM (or SAHD) in a healthy relationship where that is not the case. My husband's money is OUR money and always has been. Just like if I made less than him (or I made more than him) our money was always pooled together jointly, we never kept separate "his and hers" bank accounts. It works for us.
Been SAHM for 20+ years, manage our finances and never felt as if I was slighted for "not having an income"



This is totally me, too! It is our money, I agree. I loved being a SAHM and now I am an empty nester and was very happy to spend those years with my DC's


Same. Also, when we had two incomes (and mine was higher), we lived off of the lower one, prioritized good insurance and solid savings, and made sure everything is set up for a seamless transition should one of us die (joint names on all accounts, utilities, house, etc.). I manage all the finances, taxes, and accounts.

I appreciate the worry. It was not an easy choice to make for me, nor did we take it lightly.

The main reason I have seen women suffer in divorce is the inability to pay for an attorney because the spouse acted illegally (emptied out accounts and stole all assets, changed the locks, etc), but they didn't have liquid assets to fight it, due to the theft. So I suppose there is another thing you could do to mitigate that risk (besides not marrying a narcissistic arsehole) if you are really concerned and have no other safety net: agree to maintain an individual account (liquid, growth, automatic deposits) for the nonworking spouse that the other cannot access (with a third party as death beneficiary - your parents or maybe even the kids) to be used for attorney fees should things go south. When that "insurance policy" is no longer needed, you will have a nice little nest egg to use for a splurge 50th wedding anniversary trip. You could also try to find an individual legal insurance polity.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 08:50     Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
I was a PT SAHM for 10+ years with my 3 kids, though I volunteered and worked very PT doing odds and ends. Husband traveled a lot for work and it just didn’t seem financially viable for me to be able to stay at home PT while also having some childcare. Then all of a sudden I blink and my kids are in HS and I am fretting having to save money for college cause up till then I thought we might qualify for financial aid but no dice. So I scrambled and got an admin job which moved into a promotion and now I’m so glad I did. Looking back my brain turned a bit mushy being with those kids all day, which I found out once I was working FT and I had nothing to talk about with co workers other than my kids. Yikes! I also became a bit of a control freak about the kids and house which were habits that were hard to break once I had to switch my focus to FT work, and created a space for my husband to help out less when he was around since it seemed like I had it covered, which created quite a bit of stress. I’m not sure the answer here - just sharing my experience.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 08:13     Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:PP. I’m happy she found something, but I do think it highlights that while you may be able to get a job after taking time off, it may not be a particularly great one.

I’m in the legal industry and while I know the rare bird that took a decade off and then returned to the workforce, it’s usually low paid and wouldn’t permit the woman to truly support herself if she divorced.


This is why I think women should set a goal to save enough to cover contingencies like loss of DH's high-paying job or divorce. Then they can stop working once they reach that goal. Working and saving first then becoming a SAHM on solid financial footing seems smarter than be a SAHM now with an eye to trying to reenter the workforce after a big gap.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2023 22:56     Subject: Re:Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:I truly don’t understand why anyone would make babies with someone they don’t trust.


PP.

^ This is the sort of optimism I’m talking about.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2023 20:41     Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm watching a friend try to re-enter the workforce after 10 years as SAHM and it's not pretty.


I had been SAHM for 11 years and it took me 9 months to find a job. It can be done.


What type of job, same one you left 11 years ago? This may not work for some industries where you have to keep up with recent developments (like tech, medicine, etc) to stay employed. Anyone can find any job if you aren't picky, harder to enter a career especially high paying one.


I reentered in a different industry than what I left. I don't think anyone who has been home for a long period of time should expect to be making a very high salary. In addition there is a lot of discrimination against SAHMs so there isn't opportunity for SAHMs to be picky.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2023 20:07     Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I regret it. My ds is 15 and I’m miserable.
My future relies on his business, life insurance, and not getting divorced.


So get a job. Why the melodrama?


You’re annoying. I’ll just put my magic hat on get a high-paying job after being home for 15 years. My husband has a large salary, but I am dependent. And if things fall apart I’m screwed.


My mom went back to work after staying home with four kids for 14 years. She recently retired after nearly 30 years there. She started out part time and ended up full time. She completely switched careers, and it was a bonus because it was flexible enough for her to also be the primary parent. You could go back to work if you actually wanted to, and especially if you don’t actually need the money.


I went back to work when my youngest entered K. It was part-time, and I slowly ramped up to full-time as the kids got older. I'm in process of making a big lateral move in my industry into the more demanding areas now that one kid is off o college and the younger one 2 years away from graduating HS. The women I knew 20 years ago who were at the same level as I was are now directors and principals of their firms. Whereas I am moving from company to company gathering the work experience to get me where I want to be. I can't park it and set my career on cruise control, I am making up for lost time by strategizing each project choice.
But I don't regret for one minute being a SAHM when they were little, nor for the part-time status so I could still be there afterschool.
It's not a lucrative field but we did well in real estate assets and savings. Asset rich but cash poor we are.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2023 20:01     Subject: Re:Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
I truly don’t understand why anyone would make babies with someone they don’t trust.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2023 19:48     Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So many people dump on part time, but a lot of these answers seem like it might be a good middle road? Preserves flexibility to return full-time to job force if ever needed, provides some identity, provides some extra cash to feel relevant, but still affords more time to chill? I have no idea how realistic it is maybe it's a unicorn job to find.


It is a unicorn. Our workforce didn't evolve yet to adapt a different model where teams consist of people who are not fully engaged all the time. In medical industry I see more of it with doctors who own their own practices and set their hours, or maybe are partners in a practice giving them more flexibility. Some dentists and doctors only work 2-3 days a week. In corporate world that's not possible. It's mostly via having your own business or being a partner in one you can accomplish flexibility over your engagement. Most of PT work is freelance and gig work that doesn't pay well.


Most of the women in my wealthy neigborhood who work do so part time. Offhand in my circle I can think of a PT pediatrician, dermatologist, physical therapist, child psychologist, social worker, several PT attorneys, technical writer, statistician.


I work with a wealthy woman who went part time. However, she’s very driven/tireless and ended up working over 40 hours anyway. Good if someone can find a truly part time gig.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2023 19:45     Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So many people dump on part time, but a lot of these answers seem like it might be a good middle road? Preserves flexibility to return full-time to job force if ever needed, provides some identity, provides some extra cash to feel relevant, but still affords more time to chill? I have no idea how realistic it is maybe it's a unicorn job to find.


It is a unicorn. Our workforce didn't evolve yet to adapt a different model where teams consist of people who are not fully engaged all the time. In medical industry I see more of it with doctors who own their own practices and set their hours, or maybe are partners in a practice giving them more flexibility. Some dentists and doctors only work 2-3 days a week. In corporate world that's not possible. It's mostly via having your own business or being a partner in one you can accomplish flexibility over your engagement. Most of PT work is freelance and gig work that doesn't pay well.


Most of the women in my wealthy neigborhood who work do so part time. Offhand in my circle I can think of a PT pediatrician, dermatologist, physical therapist, child psychologist, social worker, several PT attorneys, technical writer, statistician.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2023 16:28     Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:PP. I’m happy she found something, but I do think it highlights that while you may be able to get a job after taking time off, it may not be a particularly great one.

I’m in the legal industry and while I know the rare bird that took a decade off and then returned to the workforce, it’s usually low paid and wouldn’t permit the woman to truly support herself if she divorced.


I mean, we are paying admins with a college degree but no other specific skill set (other than being organized and taking ownership) $100k and we still can't find anyone good.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2023 13:58     Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
PP. I’m happy she found something, but I do think it highlights that while you may be able to get a job after taking time off, it may not be a particularly great one.

I’m in the legal industry and while I know the rare bird that took a decade off and then returned to the workforce, it’s usually low paid and wouldn’t permit the woman to truly support herself if she divorced.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2023 12:23     Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm watching a friend try to re-enter the workforce after 10 years as SAHM and it's not pretty.


I had been SAHM for 11 years and it took me 9 months to find a job. It can be done.


This is pretty much true for everyone I know.

- Another long time SAHM


PP with the friend... she found a job thankfully, it's just not super high paying or flexible, which is less than ideal for a single mom.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2023 08:19     Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm watching a friend try to re-enter the workforce after 10 years as SAHM and it's not pretty.


I had been SAHM for 11 years and it took me 9 months to find a job. It can be done.


This is pretty much true for everyone I know.

- Another long time SAHM


Np here. True for me as well.


What industries and what jobs? General comp?