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Anonymous wrote:Found out about DH's affair and confronted his AP, only to be shocked by her accusatory stance and lack of empathy. Is this really happening?

Why on earth would you think confronting someone with sociopathic or psychopathic tendencies would go well (unless you are a trained professional, and even then you are hardly a neutral third party)? I am not a cheater, but say this as someone in treatment for antisocial personality disorder myself. I would not react how you wish I would either.

Oh please. Get a grip, you weirdo. People who cheat are selfish and self-serving but spare us the diagnoses, Dr. Freud. It's infidelity, not homicide. It's not that serious.

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Anonymous wrote:Found out about DH's affair and confronted his AP, only to be shocked by her accusatory stance and lack of empathy. Is this really happening?

How do you compare to her in looks? not that it is right, but if she is much hotter than you, she will think she has the upper hand. if you are hotter, than it makes her look like a loser on multiple levels.

I was way hotter. Way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Found out about DH's affair and confronted his AP, only to be shocked by her accusatory stance and lack of empathy. Is this really happening?

Why on earth would you think confronting someone with sociopathic or psychopathic tendencies would go well (unless you are a trained professional, and even then you are hardly a neutral third party)? I am not a cheater, but say this as someone in treatment for antisocial personality disorder myself. I would not react how you wish I would either.

Anonymous wrote:Found out about DH's affair and confronted his AP, only to be shocked by her accusatory stance and lack of empathy. Is this really happening?

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Anonymous wrote:It's amusing but also sad how desperate some women are just to be married that they stay with a cheater -- and then try to act like they've won something. Your cheater DH sucks but so do you...

Nobudy want to stay with a cheater, but the alternative ends up hurting kids.

So yea it sucks but the person they stays is just being unselfish.

+1. Some parents put their kids needs and emotional well-being before their own. Cheaters wouldn’t understand.

Some parents are delusional. Don't use your kids to play martyr. My mom staying with my cheating dad didn't do me and my siblings any favors

Maybe dad’s cheating is the reason you cheat. Definitely your daddy issues

I don't cheat love but keep telling yourself you're helping your children by being a doormat

How are OW's not doormats? Y'all believe the lies and stick around and then have nerve enough to get your feelings hurt when he cuts you off. If a wife wants to work with her husband to save their marriage, that's their business. It takes a lot more strength to stay and work on the marriage than it does to leave. Everybody has their breaking point, maybe him dipping with your dumbass wasn't reason enough for her.

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Anonymous wrote:Reaching out to the spouse could get someone killed. Also so often the APs have a lot to lose socially if the affair comes to light. So the BW won’t confront the AP or her DH bc it would make the cheating husband look bad at work if everyone knew, expose him or his firm to a lawsuit, or whatever. So the cheating husband strings along the OW until she thinks it’s her idea to end it so he isn’t materially harmed and the wife says nothing because it’s her $ too.

Let’s change your first sentence:

Sleeping with someone else’s spouse could get someone killed.

Christ. The passion from betrayal causes stable people to do crazy things. It all would never happen if the cheating didn’t happen in the first place. End of story.

Yep. Again a poster trying to shame a betrayed partner for not keeping everyone’s secrets. The toll it takes on a person to let that happen and carry that secret is huge. It’s gross people are advocating he/she turn a blind eye and just let everyone keep up their harmful, abusive behavior. The only one suffering in this situation is the victim: the betrayed spouse.

No blind eye needed. Divorce is appropriate. And you can be frank about why, if you want, although sometimes there are reasons not to be quite as frank as at other contexts (e.g., tell your best friend or his mom or your shared old friend the details, but you don't have to bring it up to your child's middle school teacher that his dad was doing anal at the Route 66 No-Tell Motel while the other woman did 8-balls and honked like a goose, or whatever. You can, if you want, leave it at irreconcilable differences and a disapproving look. Or not. It's your child, you decide).

If you think extreme displays of wrath and comeuppance is the only alternative to "keeping secrets," then there is a problem with your imagination.

And no, I've never cheated, not been cheated on. Other bad things have happened, including physical abuse, but not that.

That’s very black and white thinking.

Divorce might be appropriate but I don’t think a 25 year happy marriage with a short affair indicates a spouse needs therapy not a divorce (necessarily).

Not sure why you have jumped to extreme displays of wrath when nobody on this thread has reported doing that or recommended it. I’m thinking your abuse has you in a pattern of this disordered thinking and I suggest DBT therapy for that.

Honestly, if people have been married 25 years, he’s probably just bored to tears with your snatch. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

She likely is bored with his D and dad bod as well. But she doesn’t need to blow other men.

I heartily concur! Same old D is boring as hell. Why don’t they come to an agreement, then?

They did. The agreement was to be monogamous. He broke the agreement.

But if she’s bored as well, then why not spice things up?

Because they see more value in monogamy. People who always need to “spice things up” are chasing something that doesn’t exist. I’d suggest understanding why you have that unhealthy thought patterns.

Many people can’t be happy unless there is drama. It’s due to early childhood trauma and an addiction to cortisol which is released when engaging in risky activities. This is why when an affair is brought to light it becomes boring and rarely becomes a relationship.

Lol, there’s nothing sacrosanct about monogamy. Wanting something else is not pathological. Would you prefer your husband abruptly divorce you, than broach the topic of trying something a bit different?

An agreement is sacrosanct. If I choose monogamy that’s my choice. If my spouse agrees it’s on him to not break that agreement unilaterally. Taking away my choice breaks out agreement.

I’d rather my H bring up opening the marriage and I have the option to do that or divorce.

The problem is a H knows it will lead to divorce and they didnt want to divorce.

I divorced.

Always chasing “spice” is pathological. I suggest reading the “power of now” by Eckert Tolle to understand the root of your destructive thinking.

I simply disagree completely. Variety is the spice of life, in every regard. Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

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Anonymous wrote:It's amusing but also sad how desperate some women are just to be married that they stay with a cheater -- and then try to act like they've won something. Your cheater DH sucks but so do you...

Nobudy want to stay with a cheater, but the alternative ends up hurting kids.

So yea it sucks but the person they stays is just being unselfish.

+1. Some parents put their kids needs and emotional well-being before their own. Cheaters wouldn’t understand.

Some parents are delusional. Don't use your kids to play martyr. My mom staying with my cheating dad didn't do me and my siblings any favors

Maybe dad’s cheating is the reason you cheat. Definitely your daddy issues

I don't cheat love but keep telling yourself you're helping your children by being a doormat

Anonymous wrote:It's amusing but also sad how desperate some women are just to be married that they stay with a cheater -- and then try to act like they've won something. Your cheater DH sucks but so do you...

Anonymous wrote:I seriously contemplated mailing the OW glitter bombs for a very long time.

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A third party cannot waltz in and break up a happy, healthy marriage. Your spouse was clearly open to the idea of being with someone else, so all the fault is with him. The AP doesn't matter, and there is no pointing in "confronting" her. Even if she goes away, your DH will still be looking for another woman because he isn't satisfied with you.

This is just wrong on so many levels it's not even worth getting into your ridiculous assumptions.

I'm sorry you were cheated on, but the above is true. I don't think it's necessarily that "he isn't satisfied with you", but something else is going on. It's not like APs are some irresistible siren and the cheater has no control.

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Anonymous wrote:I emailed her H. That was pretty satisfying. She was part of a friends group and cutting them off was also satisfying because they tried to pretend to “my friend” to get information for her. I stayed friends with the ones that just didn’t get involved. The ones I cut off are still a little bitter.

I actually confronted another one because she was single. She also wrote me a letter begging me to be friends and she’d promise not to sleep with my h anymore. I told her about the married one, that was fun. She told me I was a bad wife, lol. I ran into her dad and said, “your daughter dates married men btw, I think she needs therapy”. He later made her get therapy do I feel I did the world a favor

I am not afraid of conflict so it was fine for me but I think it’s bad if you avoid conflict or that brings you anxiety.

You sound crazy.

My kinda crazy. I'm never afraid of conflict and will wreck shop. These OW's like to think they're flying under the radar and will never be found out and called out.

Thank you!

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Anonymous wrote:My husband's ex-wife confronted me. He and I became friends after they'd started divorce proceedings and didn't date until after his divorce was finalized. She apparently thought differently and wanted to confront me about it, and while she was at it, about things I did with their kids. She thought I was home alone and didn't realize DH was one room over and could hear her.

It's been four years since that and I'm still not sure she's recovered.

Not sure what the point of this story is. What did he do to her that she hasn't recovered from it for 4 years?

He didn't do anything. She hasn't recovered from the embarrassment of trying to confront me for being a homewrecker and having it proven by my husband (her ex) that I wasn't.

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Anonymous wrote:Found out about DH's affair and confronted his AP, only to be shocked by her accusatory stance and lack of empathy. Is this really happening?

It's called triangulation. Don't get in the triangle.